keep out. it's boring.

Saturday, December 26, 2009

oh it's not fresh anymore

if only i can apply my memory faster..

i almost didn't hear a christmas song today.

i didn't hear one today also.
got any?
send meee

haha sorry i don't have. i would've heard one if i have one.


why didn't i think of this reply earlier?

(okay first of may isnt exactly a christmas song but wtf christmas trees are mentioned)

Friday, November 27, 2009


"My cousin works as a salesman. He almost rarely help us out."

I was eavesdropping unintentionally to a conversation happening behind my head. Their face features weren't striking enough for me to remember as i walked pass them. It was just that i didn't bring that book to divert me from paying attention to the most trivial and uninteresting happenings around the departure gateway. I was surprised, but not regretting that my attention span wasn't that short to make me wonder what that tall guy with a-face-that-you-would-like-to-punch with elvis presley hair with very formal but colorful clothes and sharp boots was doing with his laptop.

"Why are we so alike... we were fed by only women."

I thought i saw some bubbles from the LCD screen of the laptop. But my brain prioritized my ears over my eyes as i nonchalantly heard that. A brief moment of silence that came after seemed to symbolize the full stop of the sentence. The plain-looking teenagers took some time to empathize each others' mishaps. I felt greeted by a superior maturity coming from that two girls whose age would be at most ten years my junior. Not seeing them, i assumed that they would be staring at each other (like lesbians) or enjoying the same view with blank expressions (like lesbians too).

"Neh we are kinda different.. you guys are only two. I have three other siblings!"

The raise of tone wasn't directed at the one who said the mistake although it was a one-on-one dialogue. Rather, she sounded pitifully proud and i would like to think of that as the reason. The fact that we were in a flight departure gateway implies that they have to live with it and get the best out of life no matter how hard it is. This moment, i could only sympathize, contrary to the me that usually tries his best to empathize.

"Yeah you're right.."

The-answering-one made the-one-who-raised-her-voice sounded as if she triumphed over her in the shortest debate ever. But no, there are no victors or losers here. I continued to feign ignorance after a following quiet moment. Perhaps the two realised that there was an illegal judge to their privately emotional debate.

The silence was then broken by an inclusion of another voice familiar to those two but not me. Then i saw that the game which that-weird-man-whom-i-gave-him-a-long-description was playing was called 'Bubbletronix'. (it wasn't a pretty girl playing so i didnt remember properly)

And beside him, were two human beings responsible for excluding me from participations in debates as such.


Sunday, November 22, 2009

fragments, scatter # 4:

My/His weary legs finally dragged us to my/his room. I had to tolerate her constant complaints about how they are gonna fall away from my body. And the sad little fact that she changed the way she addressed this body from 'us' to 'him', as if it didn't belong to her. If this body was mine it wouldn't be this way. Things would've been different. I wouldn't have to struggle to merely make a step. I wouldn't have to worry about what was I gonna think about. Worrying about what to talk about when things are normal is already hard enough. Especially this one who analyses almost every single thing but fails to do so when I want him to do so.

This one? Am I just another one that you can just simply disregard?
More or less.

I would've looked away. I would've remained in silence. I would've hoped that he was sensitive enough to know what my reactions meant. But I had already answered him before I could do something about it. Naturally but involuntarily. Keeping the mouth shut and keeping the mind shut are two very different things. This was awfully awkward. If this was a phone call, I would've find a way to end the conversation as soon as possible and proceed to occupy my mind with some random activities. All the memories that I have shared with her came to me like a kaleidoscope, immaturely denying the impulsively honest reply her mind gave. My sense of denial was so strong I begged her pardon although I was pretty certain of what she replied.

Another one? Simply disregard?
You want me to rephrase the 'more or less' into a simple 'yes'?

I thought of how she used to rest her chin on one of the side of my shoulders (usually left) whenever we would encounter a mirror to practise our compability in terms of appearance. Oh, so? I thought of how she used to bite MY fingernails instead of her own when she had a manicure and still couldn't shake off that unbreakable habit of hers. You enjoyed it too didn't you? I thought of the uncountable number of clothes she would pick just to try on before purchasing anything to let the shopping attendants eye me with sympathy for being very patient. So you can't really wait?

I can.

The effect was bizzare. It was as if someone threw coins at you. It hits hard. It hurts, in a heartwarming way. This one usually says things that are music to my ears. I used to think that they were fabricated just to please me. I have to admit that I'm a horrible adoration junkie so I artistically provoke victims to compliment me, regardless of the sincerity. Of course, I would prefer them to sound authentic, intellectual, humorous, confident, etc. But this, this two simple words, "I can" sunk into me even if i wanted to doubt it, like food too good to be digested.

But really, so what if you are the most patient person in this world? It doesn't change the fact that i'm stuck here, with you, seeing ghosts everywhere.

I was propelled into a state of shock. Her lack of appreciation sent my self-esteem into a downhill slide. That childish and selfish part of me wanted to deny truth but what I've heard, or received was written in her mind. The childish and selfish part of me persisted to futilely convince myself that the voice projecting in my head wasn't actually Xyren's. Or at least, the Xyren that I knew.

Then, this, is the Xyren that you don't know.


A long silence ensued. It was disturbing for awhile for it being the first silence we had encountered since I woke up with her voice in my head/the cemetery. Even the most timid person in the world should have something going on in his mind in the state of sobriety. Or maybe it felt long, because there wasn't a time that our minds were put to rest since we both were brought into this mess.

You make sense.
You said this to make me feel better, to feel less guilty about yourself didn't you?

For a tiny speck of moment, I thought that we could still.. work. Why did he had to spoil it all with that statement? Why couldn't he just grab hold of the truth and accept it? Why did he had to doubt?

At least you still wanted us to work.
Argh. Did you just ignored everything else that isn't pleasant to your ears?

I couldn't stand this. I wanted him out. Or to put it in a less harsher way, I wanted myself out. He's overreacting too much that it creepy. To think that he had to witness what I felt first hand. And to think that we couldn't seemingly do anything about it. There must be something, right? There must be something we could do. There must be something I could do.

Do you think a witch, or a shaman, or some lady with mystical powers could help us with our current state?
So you hate it that we are completely honest with each other? What about the promise we made to each other about being never lying to each other?
Stop being such a whiney pussy! I bet that you're not enjoying it much either.
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes, no. I don't know!

Seeking for a diversion from this dreadful topic, I looked around. Two figures stood by a blank wide side of the wall, facing away from us. There were so many ghost encounters along the journey back here that these two no longer terrify or surprise us anymore. Their hands seemed to be pre-occupied with doing something... like rubbing the wall with their hands/to the pictures?


An instant flash of memory images of those pictures of Xyren that I've unskillfully but diligently drew popped into my mind. How could I forget those while coming in? I wanted to impress her. I wanted to surprise her. All along. It was dark. We didn't turn on the lights while limping in. But I could read his memory like its mine. I could project the many, many 'pictures-of-me'-s around; which piece was based on which picture and where it was taken, which piece was innovated out of his imagination, which piece he was proud of and which piece that he wanted to throw away.

I gasped.

Are they... me? The fact itself was so hard to believe, but it wasn't something that science couldn't explain. Unlike the situation now. Are they really me? His obsession towards me was scary, in a diabetically sweet kind of way, but still, enough to frighten the hell out of me. It was like a serial murderer that pins up pictures and newspaper articles of his victims on the wall and all his victims are.. essentially me. Are they really really me? Oh Blinkey.. you don't really have to do this.. Can I turn on the lights to see clearer? You don't really need to do this.. Why would you want to draw me? How much time did you spend on everything? Oh the effort.. Why didn't you show me earlier?

It's not completed yet.

I remembered the portrait(s) of her that I've tried to fully draw it with only red. The overall red isn't dark enough to be the outlines so the inadequate contrast of the shading red used to represent the shadows made the picture look like she's crying and growing moustache. The more presentable ones are pinned to the walls to see which part of her that I've properly drew in order to be implemented in future attempts. I remembered the first portrait that I did, it was drawn till her abdomen, which is my second favourite picture among my works. The subsequent pictures of the similiar manner couldn't replace the impression I had on the first picture. However, the proportion of the boobs seemed out. No matter how many times I corrected the right one it would either look like its bigger or smaller than the left one. I finally settled for the right one being bigger, only slightly though. Haha you underestimated them. My favourite one, is a fantasy depiction of an angel of her. Aw... that's so sweet.. but your sense of fashion sucks! Everything was just recited in the mind, his mind so I still needed to see the whole thing with my my own eyes to achieve a higher satisfactory level.

We switched on the lights.

The two ghostly figures gestured us to look at my masterpiece/the wallpaper of me like cinema ushers. My memory served me well. Obviously though, since I see it everyday. Somehow the ghosts didn't strike me as disturbing at all. Rather, their cooperation with my intentions seemed like something that I wanted, although not expected, to see. It was as if something too good to be true came true. A mirage turned reality. They say seeing is believing, but this case defied the saying. I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. My heart raced. Well, not exactly mine. It is. Aw.. I wanted to cry. And then I want to laugh again. Nobody would do such a thing for me. This is too much. I felt guilty but happy. I felt responsible but irresponsible. I felt weird but I kinda welcomed the feeling. I felt orgasm but not sexually. Probably due to the absence of female hormones.

Oh, that's right. I'm already dead.

Tears, that neither of us were sure whose or why, began to wet our cheeks. I began to wonder if dying had brought me to my own heaven. Or if this was the so-called white light or the image phase I'm supposed to see when I am dead. I touched our face to check if it was ethereal. It was physical, and we weren't even sure to react positively or negatively towards it. I wanted to lie, to tell her that everything's fine, that everything's gonna be alright. I wanted to dry the tears, but i'm contributing to them both physically and mentally. I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on but we are crying together and we share the same shoulders now. At least, I'm crying when she's crying.

What the fuck? Lame, but it did made me smile. The slight movement of the lips wasn't mine.

And i'm smiling when you're smiling too.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009


"Put me out of my fucking mi-ser-

I realised I've let too much percentage of my breath out. Don't go too high, rasp the start of 'ryy' with something high enough to go low later for 8 to 9 seconds and then switch back. My throat let out the usual growl that i've earned by sacrificing my ability to do normal falsetto notes and somehow it felt unfamiliar. It's getting rusty already, i pressume.


I can pull this off. The whole ryyy went okay for my untrained throat, i think. I heard someone appauld. Only one pair of hands. Good enough though. The growl i've projected was steadily sustained as till now. Just when i thought i deserve to be proud of myself, i desperately inhaled a sip of air to carry on the punishing yeah and cursed the raggy a few minutes ago for being overconfident. My heart whispered 'shit' but my mouth screamed the


I couldn't pull this off. I struggled after the third second which was supposed to be the twelveth second. My stomach warned me with a slight cramp and i remembered the huge amount of food intake from the buffet breakfast a few half-an-hours ago. I surrendered to silence. Chester's yeah continued in the background for four to five more seconds and my disappontment acknowledged it as a taunt.

"wa ee pi lu ka ku gok" (wah he's longer than you)
"beh chio eh la" (Can't be sung wan la)

Perhaps i just wasn't emo enough.

(for those (i think everyone) who don't know, we were singing k, and i picked the song 'given up' by linkin park which has a 17 second long growl. )
happy belated birthday


The couple, in separate cars, wound down the window simultaneously. The two girls giggled like they found 50 bucks on the floor. We eyed them with almost curious eyes and wondered if there was bird shit on my head and we didn't realised it as we woke up too early in the morning.

"Wa raggy you're so pretty!"
"you look like a girl from this angle!"

I took that as a compliment but remembered that i own (no past tense okay) a dick and gave them two fingers that symbolized it. No hostile situation here, I was still half-smiling because a deluded part of me still believed in that lie.

"HOR zeroes u cheat!"

He smiled, they laughed, my middle fingers persisted and the couple realised that we had enough nonsense and stopped the conversation by winding up the car windows. But it was still red light. Boschbell (haha) became fickle-minded (and jealous) and wound down the window again, as if to tell us something important.

"but i'm prettier!"

happy belated birthday

Work is getting busy. No time for fragments, scatter. #3 has wrong paragraphing. And i am doing nothing about it.

and erm. we skipped our carnival night for you! touched or not? okay maybe that's not much. roar.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

fragments, scatter # 3: wake me up inside

Great. It could be you who gave us the ability to see ghosts. And now is not a good time to be sarcastic.

How do I trust you?
How can you not trust your girlfriend? You're breaking my heart.
It could be that you were hiding that fact all along to spare me the dreadful details.
I'm not.
But it doesn't make sense either.
Or it could the side effects of.. your possession? I wanted to think that this was a dream.
You're convincing me little by little that this isn't a dream, from that statement.
Am I actually listening to your unfiltered thoughts?
Are we actually listening to each other's unfiltered thoughts?
This could be problematic.
Didn't you just say that I could trust you?
Yeah, but..

All of my woman-ly secrets would be unwillingly revealed to you. Like my ex's name is Monero that you didn't know and that I preferred his body over yours. (obviously)

Shivers were sent down my spine. I

felt that too and it was weird as hell because it's like I was making myself shiver. It's not like I heard Xyren pronounced her sentence word by word but it just... occurred to me? I felt the same too. As if we were communicating as one person's inner conflict. Discipline versus temptation. Principle versus efficiency. My angel versus my devil. Heads versus tails. Difference was, it's Blink versus Xyren now. And a kind reminder, we were in a cemetery. I knew, stop repeating. The same silhouettes continued to stare at us like we were a quarreling couple in a drama. That made us realise that all that conversation/ our monologue happened a lot faster than our talking pace. The shiver shock was still apparent within the spine, rendering goosebumps to almost every existing hair of my/his body. The exaggerating vibration was so unbearable that my reflex pointlessly sent our hand to stop the vibration like how you cover a fresh wound. My eyes turned to look at my hand, mine but not authoritatively mine. The unexpected change of view felt 'Cloverfield'-ish.

What the fuck? Much to our horror, 'something' (similar to those festering on Hind's legs) was twisting and tickling and shaking my spine like an emo kid gone bonkers/it was the cause of the shiver. The grotesque was hideous beyond my imagination.

And you actually saw it before?

His question was answered by my memory before fleeing from St Jermane. Somehow, it resembled the sheer ugliness and the lack of form although it didn't look necessarily the same. The missing body parts, or the only existing body parts of the 'something' consisted of three hands, a longer one, one that looked like a human's and one that looked like half a hand. It shared the same faded grey with semi transparency. Adding detail to its atrocity, the three arms seemed to be joined to an asymmetrical face whose face features almost proportionate with the length of the arms. We could see its brain exposed at its forehead and the sight intensified the nerve-numbing sensation. Our hand began to wave frantically at where the 'something' was to shove it away although we didn't exactly know if that action would do any good.

Surprisingly it did.

Really? The situation we were in now wasn't very convincing. For a tiny speck of moment my spine felt normal but your uncertainty seemed to have revived the unholy creature. Then, a second wave of shiver, this one a whole lot more amplified, hit us as if it intended to peel off all the hair from the body. Variations of the 'something's solidified in thin air from trails of black ashes converging from every direction to form the body parts. A pile of apparitions (lets call it apparitions instead of 'something's from now) were cutting each other's queue to 'play' with my/our spinal cord.


I/We wanted to scream but choked momentarily and no sound came out and I imagined those apparitions summoned two hands to choke us to death. I would like to think, though, that both of us issued different commands that confused this body instead of apparitions trying to suffocate us. Impressed by Blinkie's optimistic deduction at such a dangerous timing, I will try to put away all my negativity and help juice out some ideas to free ourselves from this mess. Still, my/our head jerked to the front violently from the attack and I had to move a few steps to the front to accommodate our balance.

Thanks, but did you just called me Blinkey?

And I let my mind get distracted by that embarrassing inquiry although I knew now wasn't exactly the appropriate time. Answering him,

Ever since I'd actually starting to feel something for you.

That's... so weird of you.
Don't you dare call me weird!

Much to our delight that distracting conversation/ monologue lessened the tingling annoying sensation. Another unsolved confusion about the silhouettes that were sitting or moving around observing us suddenly popped. Most of the apparitions broke into fragments and scattered around, diverging to every direction and gathered or disappeared in random spots. The shiver hadn't been completely gone but it felt comfortable enough for me/us to unknowningly stare at the immobile silhouettes I/we saw before. The facial features was a blur at first but every feature seemed to fall onto place the longer I/ we concentrated. The abnormality slowly constructed itself from the scattered fragments from the fragments of the apparition to look more and more normal, and now a middle-aged man stood before my/our eyes. As neither of us were familiar with such sightings, a simple gesture like a smile from that phantom erected every hair in my/our body again what the fuck.

I wanted to look away so I turned around to confirm if my deductions were correct.

Again, the apparitions re-formed the same way to possibly do the same thing to us but we kinda felt prepared for it by forcing ourselves to talk to each other intimately/reenacting lovey dovey sweet talks!

and what the fuck do you mean by 'forcing'!? was talking to me that fricking hard?
Explain blinkey? I do love talking to you. It's just that you always want me to say something smart.
Because I think you're really cute and you deserve a '-ie' behind your original name. and what the fuck- 'i do love talking to you' is nowhere smart.
Why are you replying before I could compose anything from my mind? 'Blinkey' kinda annoys me.
What do you mean annoying?! It's not!
It is, to me! To think that you NEVER actually called me that be- (interrupted by another thought)

An inconvenient truth: I realised we were communicating with each other's unfiltered thoughts too spontaneously. A human brain takes some time to receive input signals coming from random sensing sources and takes some time (the period usually differs for each individual) to interpret them to produce reactions. And now, we were as if listening and talking to each other's processing language - I wasn't even sure it was even English. It could be a customised language for a specific word that you were most familiar with or a picture that pops to the mind. In any case, a picture would be the most instantaneous. A mind then decides which reaction would deem the most appropriate by the norms and then present a reaction. As for now, anything that came to mind will be heard exactly even before any physical reaction is given - because of the 'possession'.

Somehow I understood what Blinkie meant - I'm not sure if I could if I wasn't sharing his mind - and it soothed my mind which was in a boggling mess.Quickly I was reminded about the apparitions which were supposed to be responsible for sending shivers down our spine.

Why you!~


The 'oops' was so casual that it unknowingly distracted my mind from feeling fear. Or maybe it was that smart ass observation that Blinkie made that I wanted to hear which kind of charmed me to the extend I temporarily forgotten that I was starring in a horror film. Did i just not see those apparitions when we were pre-occupied with our own world of thoughts?

Not to mention that our spine was relaxed since what-the-fuck-did-you-mean-by-forcing.
You thinking what I am thinking?
The guilt of the five murders..
and that I forgot about it and no longer see them right after realising that my cause was righteous..
Am I actually reliving in your memory?

It was as if I was recalling the scene. As it was still fresh in her, or our, mind, the details and sensation were so unbelievably... myself, if it was the word for it.I wondered if I could dig into a random stored memory of Xyren's.

Hey! No peeking!
Wow, a few more seconds of distraction from the shiver!

Another shiver.

I would like to think that this one was lesser in magnitude. I would like to think that Blinkie is the most optimistic boyfriend in the world. And that we were pretty moronic for standing and flirting in a cemetery. And cool too. Because I was getting more and more used to it? The form of the apparitions correspond to our feelings?

Uhm. Ya. Smart. Sarcastically impressed. Let's run away?

Impulsively I commanded the right leg to make the first step while I used the left to do the same and fell like an oversized toddler that tried to run before knowing how to walk properly. The bruises I've gathered moments ago from Whart was excruciatingly painful as I/we landed on the ground in contact with them.

The pain couldn't be so real. Your voice couldn't be so clear.

This really wasn't a dream.


how do you convert something from .rtf to here with all the formatting?

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

fragments, scatter # 2 : death isn't enough to separate us

The wheel of fate is turning.

A few droplet of tears met a piece of paper that spells the name Klanfal Oademe. The liquid ate its way throughout the paper within Rag's hand like condensed hydrochloric acid. But it didn't do any harm to the wretched fingers that belonged to the Grim. Several seconds ago, the very same Klanfal Oademe that the paper meant was waiting on his motorcycle for the traffic light in front of his office to turn green. An efficient employee himself, he was always punctual. Sadly, the truck driver from the left junction didnt share his punctuality. Trying to keep his job, the trucker made a high speed corner to save himself some two minutes because he was already five minutes late. However, his vehicle went out of ccntrol. The container dislocated and rammed through poor Klanfal Oademe's head. His helmet wasn't enough to save his fragile life even for a few seconds after impact. When the Grim decided to kill Klanfal Oademe The Grim never knew who he was, how did he look like, how old was he when he perished, or how he perished. Like every other Grim, Rag just randomly chose this name, or any name, not according to how many sins or deeds he/she did, nor showing any signs of remorse or compassion. The wretched fingers would then fill its emptiness with another paper with another name;this time, a Saedem Aerok, forgetting the murder of Klanfal Oademe he committed just a few five seconds ago. Those same emotionless tears. It vanished the same way. As a result, a 46 year-old man surrendered his life to cancer. Modeas Aerok and Mrs Saedom Aerok who were in his dying bed wept after the doctor pronounced his death. Like a doctor, a Grim's job is to pronounce death. Unlike a doctor, a Grim never document the cause of death. A Grim may be an reincarnation of a previous deity, a human, an animal, a plant, another Grim, or nothing at all. Whichever he was, he has no recollection of his previous life nor any prophecy regarding his futuring life. He wouldn't just spare a Thereza-something because of the possiblity of another Mona Thereza. He wouldn't just save a Adulf-something because of the possiblity of another Adulf Hitta. Afterwards, a Thereza Polos was being erased. An angry client just clubbed a prostitute to death. Next a Edawe Ol Desfo. A beggar died of hunger. Next a Adeis Aloaped. Drowning suicide. Then a Poon Soow Sea. Electric chair, death sentence. And no, Rag never bothered to know how even though someone around them knew, be it punished, suicide, accident, or anything. Like a diligent operator, he worked like a machine, never hindered by the absolute monotony of wetting papers.

Then a Xyren Leverouqe. Rag gave this name a few seconds before deciding to cry on it. It was as if it was calling out for something. A distant memory perhaps? For the very first time, he felt curious although he wasn't supposed to. He was then quickly reminded by the 'punishment' if he lost his focus but an obscure sensation in himself made him wonder for a few more seconds again. He dismissed the interference but the interference relented, saving that paper for a few more seconds, and then it was gone. Before he realised it himself, the same few disintergrating tears escaped his eyes like captives from a prison. He never noticed whether the tears reached the paper but the previous mysterious urge resurfaced causing him to let go of that piece of paper. He wasn't sure if his tears came in contact with the paper. That little sheet danced its way back into the wheel of fate. He didn't cared to track it back though. Subsequently, the wretched fingers reached out to grab a Whart Dogdot, resuming his constant routine of eternity.

Little did the careless Rag knew that only one drop of the tears touched that piece of paper with Xyren Leverouqe's name on it. It vapourized a portion of it but it wasnt not enough to make the words unrecognizable. The semi-damaged and semi-viscous piece of paper then landed on another piece with the name of Blink Cryxalis. And merged with it. And disappeared into the billion pieces of papers with many other names on them that spiralled ceaselessly to look like the galaxy's most expensive confetti.

The wheel of fate kept turning.


A fucking dick. It felt alien but mine as I actually felt it being touched. This had to be a dream. Weirder than the one where I had hair that spanned to the length of my knees. Or the one everyone around me looked like me. Or the one I accidentally entered a beauty pageant for travesties. Oh wait I felt like one now. But it was never so.. surreal. I should be waking up anytime now right? I should be waking up. Wake up. Or maybe, the dream wasn't strange enough to signal goosebumps to my whole body that was gonna make me jump off the bed? Right? Right? Right?

What the fuck. For around ten seconds, i was too dumbfounded to move my hand away from my private part. Monero eyed me in disgust, probably infuriated by my indecent queer-like position. Knowing homophobic him, he must had thought I insulted his pride. His state of confusion hadn't left him though, and he was curious enough to talk to, erm, whom he assumed was Blinkie.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

He was loud but wasn't as loud as he was when he was searching for us. It took a few seconds to register in my mind that I should at least reply him to stop ourselves from staring at each other awkwardly. And I could test out my voice too.

"Enjoying my manhood."

I paid attention to myself as i said it. I actually sound like the-man-who-was-gonna marry-my-corpse, but the feeling of myself producing someone else's (although a boyfriend's) voice is extremely freaky. In hopes of provoking the stupid ex further, I grinned and imagined how retarded I/Blinkie would look because I never had cam-whored-with-grinning-poses with a different face before.

With the left arm shielding his waist and the right one clenched to form a fist, he charged wobbily towards me. His movement was much slower than before that I even had time to notice that Hind was still rolling on the floor and Whart was already shot dead probably during the random fires while struggling with Hind.

"Take this!"

That trademark one-shot punch again. Did he thought that I evaded the previous one out of pure luck? Underestimating people had been his negative trait. Inability to learn too. That hand on the wound had gave away more openings on the other parts of his body. Sorry Honey.

I barely dodged the attack and swiftly jabbed on his Adam's apple, nose, and then his stomach. It did hurt my cracked knuckle a little, but watching the big guy tumble to the floor was worth the pain. His fall was accompanied by profanities and gibberish that made me felt sorry for myself for not being able to hit him hard enough to silence him. But hey, I wasnt using my body. What the fuck. So I've beaten the last boss of this virtual game called dream. Do I get to wake up now?

Maybe Blinkie possessed my body in return and was hiding somewhere molesting it. He could've just asked right? That shy boy. But he's so unbelievably cute sometimes. Heeee. I looked around. There were men who were moaning and groaning like they lost their manhood (one did) and men who died happy cause they were satisfyingly silent for catching a glimpse at a dazzling-magnificent-elegant(not forgetting cute)-gorgeous lady's cleavage before breathing their last breath. I didn't see any prima-donna-super-model-beauty-queen that tried to act like a hero, nor any soul that might give me the slightest hint that it was Blinkie's.

Blink blink.

I just murdered a few people. Did Blinkie end up in one of their bodies or mine and then died? Not that I never killed before, but this was kind of.. scary. Guilt surged into me unconsciously, it had being ages since I had actually felt guilty.

Blink blink blink.

Simple logic, nothing was gonna change no matter how many times I blinked. No corpse was gonna spring back to life and tell me he was Blinkie and then we could start a gay relationship. But a little part of me thought that that would be very romantic. Subsequently that little part of me got me to examine the fallen men to ensure if my perception of romanticism was wrong. Something semi transparent that resembled dark clouds seemed to be coming out from all of the bodies that I had obliterated. Okay. They were gonna turn into horrifying ghosts and scare the living hell out of me and I could wake up and cry to my boyfriend about the weirdest (and coolest) nightmare.

Blink blink blink blink.

Similiar unknown entities hovered around Monero, as if they were helping him to regain his stance. The clouds from the dead formed shapes that looked like themselves. I could recognize the-pivot-head, the-castrated-man, the-useless-jerk, the-failed-gunman and the-professional-batter standing transparently on their own body. Hind was still spinning around, very much alive, screaming his lungs out to 'something's kneeling in front of him, licking (or eating) his wounded leg like vultures feasting on a carcass. The 'something's looked like perverted uncles who died to fatal car accidents or brutal samurai slashes or anti-alien laser beams because none of them had complete human body parts. They would push each other like aunties on a hard sale boutique store for food but none of them seemed to extract any mass from the leg.

What the fuck?

Blink blink blink blink BLINK.

I did NOT wake up. The five vengeful spirits were still admiring how good I look. Stupid ex was almost managing to complete his impossible feat of standing up. Vulture food was still screaming like a vampire bathing in sunlight. My guilty conscience multiplied. Fear manifested. So I ran. Down the stairs. Out from St. Jermane. Out from Rakelash Cliffs. Anywhere but there. Anywhere without them.


My knee joints were in stinging pain, as if they were gonna dislocate from my thighs. I had being sprinting for five minutes. Lactic acid was threatening my legs to give it a stop. Oh great, now I'm stuck in the typical-running-from-ghost nightmare, and this was about time my legs would fail me and the ghosts would come so close to me and they would slash or hack or rape or bite or pinch or suffocate or flog me till I wake up. So I braved myself to turn around (as well as cursing Blinkie's untrained legs) to watch how creative my dream would annihilate me out of the dream-world. Odd enough, they were behind me and the distance between them and me was still the same, even when i stopped running. Regrettably, they looked ugly and so I closed my eyes and imagined Blinkie's face so that I could die with a good looking smile (in a dream).


Wow. My imagination rocks. Hold on to meee!!!! Huh? I could imagine his voice as if I really heard him. I remembered that I was lying down with my hands clinging on to the love of my life, and then i was... unconscious? Was I sleepwalking? On such a time? Did I run like a coward?

What the fuck? Where are you? And why was I guilty anyway, I was saving my boyfriend's ass. I opened my eyes anyway, hoping to see Blinkie in my body which was somewhere around and then it occured to me that the external voice sounded just like him. He should sound like me with my body, right? Wait, was it even, external? It sounded like it was coming from within me. Inside. Nevertheless it boosted my courage to deal with those freaks although I might not have any idea how to do so.

What do you mean? Where are you? Was I hearing her talking to herself that she heard what was i saying in my mind? Why couldn't I see her around? Why am I gasping for breath?

I was hearing him, or should I use 'you' too. Let's see.. if I have still had control over this body.

"Where are you?"

I felt my mouth move but my brains or my reflex never issued any command to speak. Was I being mind controlled? I was pretty sure that I heard Xyren's voice just now, but it didn't seem to be coming from any direction. Did I miss her so much that I started to hallucinate her voice in my head? Or did she poss-#

That made perfect sense now. I just poss-#


me?/him. I was unexplainably happy to hear that uninteresting voice though. As fast as the guilt vanished, the apparitions seemed to be dragged away, to the direction of the lighthouse. Haha. What a sweet dream. Now I could hear the exact thoughts of my man.

Grrr. What you mean by uninteresting? And there were ghosts chasing you? As weird as it seemed, this didn't felt like a dream at all.

Oh no.

Death isn't enough to separate us. You/I said that.

Oh no.

Watch what you said! You/I replied.

Our minds went blank for awhile, trying to dissolve what that had happened to me/us. A few seconds proceeded, I could hear this might be the best or worst dream of my life, what if this isn't a dream?, and what happened to the five stupids?; while I could hear did i just pulled her soul into my body?, Where is her body? What happened to her ex and the gang?

Then we saw silhouttes, scattered around in random spots, some stationary while some mobile, staring at us with the most curious eyes. (of course we can't really see their eyes as they are silhouttes. We judged by the way their faces turn towards me/us.)

You gave me the ability to see ghosts, didn't you?

What the fuck. I didn't know. I still thought this was a dream.

Well, good job for dreaming me into a cemetery.

Sunday, October 18, 2009

fragments, scatter # 1: till death do us part

The moon hung on the cloudless sky like a faceless portrait. It wasn't the brightest nor the roundest of moons that i'd seen before. The dim yellow glow seemed to amplify and deamplify in random frequencies; one moment it looked as if it was brighter than itself seconds ago; then the longer i fixated my eyes on it the brightness waned although it still look the same as before. It was as if my eyes weren't collabrating well with my memory. Enigmatic. But beautiful. And the latter adjective wasn't for the moon. Rather, the moment.

A warm exhale met my cheeks, overpowering the seductive spell the moon had casted on me in terms of temptation. I got lured to notice her examining me like i was examining the moon. Maybe she got bored of gazing the moon and wanted to look at something more interesting. Or maybe she intended to look at how pale i would become from reflecting the moonlight. And tease me about it. Seizing the opportunity, I pressed forward and rubbed my right cheek on her left like how a puppy would do to its mother. Ample friction, maximum tenderness. It made her giggle, struggle, and consequently she slapped me in the chest playfully.

"I hate it when you do that!"

A very insincere protest but a rather painful slap. Xyren is a fighter girl. Like a playable female character of the usual role playing games. Like every other normal girl, she embraces being beautiful, is quite good at it, and is proud of it. She would rather die than have even a slight bruise on her face which would make her feel unpretty. Ironically, unlike every other normal girl, she is, or was, constantly involved in violence that collected her body a significant amount of scars. Nevertheless the harsh environment and family background made her a femme fatale, enabling her face and herself to survive to this very moment now so that she could slap me. Which hurts. I know it wasn't intentional. But i enjoyed it.

"You know, I wouldn't even dare to be here alone. Or even with a group of guys. But I'm different, with you around that is."

One of us (me, actually) suddenly thought that love could conquer all and suggested that we climb to the top of St. Jermane for a moment to remember for the rest of our lives. St. Jermane is an abandoned lighthouse overlooking Rakelash Cliffs which was believed to be haunted though there were no confirmed sightings. Rumours have it that a priest mysteriously commited suicide there by jumping from the lighthouse and his body was nowhere to be found. The superstitous ones speculated that he was sent to sky while everyone else thought the lighthouse was too dangerous so another one was erected, replacing St. Jermane. Thus, the place is usually familiar with the absence of living souls.

"Ha. That's cause I can beat them. Literally. And you better be more than different to make me being around longer!"

Hearing that soothed me as i was doubting myself if bringing her here was right. She gave me the impression that she longed for danger. Or something adrenaline pumping. Doing this feat was still manageable, as for an average joe like me. Sometimes i wondered why she would let me pick. Her previous men were what magazines call real men. Those that can still look good with only underwear. On the other hand, I'm boney. Goody-two-shoes. But i possess face features that can put eighty-five percent of the entire population of girls to shame. Perhaps Xyren's feeling bisexual and but isn't bisexual enough to go for a girl.

"Oh yeah? Just watch. I'll turn longer into forever."

I frighten myself sometimes. We had only being together for two months. As much as it felt wrong to use 'forever', it felt right. I suspected that for a fact from her laughter. And then i knew that for a fact when she leaned on me, as if to reciprocate for the slap just now. Connecting my eyes with her most amazing eyes, she taunted,

"What? Till death do us apart? *giggles* No way!"
"Agreed. Death isn't enough to separate us."

I didn't care if it's too cheesy. I didn't care if there's a possibility that i would regret in the future. Those words seemed to lift up magic in the air. The moon which was our only witness seem to generate an imaginary spotlight on where we were. She stared at me unflinchingly, as if to digest what i just said from my eyes, cheeks, mouth and lips. I returned the favour, with ease.

"Watch what you've said!"

Xyren sounded as if she is trying to hold a laughter. I feel like unleashing it. For better effect, I snapped at her as soon as she finished her sentence, with something overrating monogamy.

"If you die, I'll marry your corpse."

That reply tasered her. For a few seconds her mouth made a hole and it has spasms. Then she realised how retarded she look and how she cannot contain the tickle in her. Her jaws weren't functional for the moment so she used her hand to do the hole covering job. Then she burst. Hysterically. It reminded me that i never use those words on anyone before.

"AHahahAHhahaahahahaHaah, you're funny, in a very fail way."

What I didn't realise was our faces are inching towards each other little by little. Our eyeballs seemed grow in size. We exchanged carbon dioxide from each other's breath as if we needed them to live. It felt like friday, the day before saturday and sunday. Or an appetizier to a sumptous meal. Our noses touch, and that acted as a trigger to close our eyes respectively. Our eyelashes entangled each other and never before entangled hair was so blissful. Our heads tilted to our rights, extremely slowly, embracing every minute action that was happening to ourselves. I wa so ready to feel the moisture of her lips....


So what?

Plenty of them.

So what?

First kisses are more important. The ones after it too. I continued the my mini-conquest for euphoria. Maybe we had a peck or maybe we didn't. Her head retreated to a distance, her eyes opened and it didn't look like the dreamy alluring ones she had just now. Rather, they looked like they belonged to a cat at night. I was furious for a moment for not knowing discretely if we did kiss or not and why would there be people in such a deserted place. Then my frustration turned into fear as i suddenly recalled this place is supposed to be haunted.

"They're here for me, or us. My ex's gang." Okay, one less thing to worry about.

Her ears recognized the footsteps. They sounded like an uncoordinated march. It got louder and closer. The spiralling stairs was the only way up or down from where we were. Encountering them, whoever they are, was inevitable.

"Hide. I'll handle them."

I lost all my masculinity hearing that. Nevertheless it made perfect sense; she's familiar with fighting while i could only beat geeks with maths. However, the drastic change of feelings from deep indulgence to slight disappointment to paranoia rendered my face expressionless. So it did to my body. Xyren squinted her eyes and somehow came up with a remedy to my paralysis.

"You can kiss me all night later. Promise."

Ignoring my ego and trusting her prowess in melees, I took cover behind a ledge near the edge of the platform. She did the same at a different place, though. Several men appeared from the stairs.There were about six to seven of them. Some of them even wielded weapons. It was dark, but not dark enough for me to see a few pistols, a few steel bars, and the rest baseball bats. Did they followed us here? Or did one of them spot us here and informed the rest? It didsn't make any sense as we were here for hours. Or did they wait for a time where they would less likely to attract attention? Xyren was nowhere to be seen. It was as if she vanished. Would she bail out on me? I had to trust her. Anyhow, I could only trust her judging from the situation. I silently cursed myself for not picking up any arts of self defense. And prayed that a miracle like a sudden thunder storm would come and electrocute those weapon wielders. And Xyren's safety, most importantly.

"I know you two are out there. Save us some time and we might consider saving you from a few hits lesser."

That voice came from the biggest guy of the gang. He sounded like a police representative demanding a smaller group of terrorists to surrender. They don't usually work in the movies or in real life though. The threat was then followed by complete silence. I began to worry if the sound of my heartbeat's going to reveal my hiding location.

"I was being nice. Don't you test mah patience sweetiepie. COME OUT!!"

The ledge covering me shuddered. Did i just hear 'sweetiepie'? That six foot five big guy must be the ex she was talking about. I couldn't imagine how would someone like Xyren be called 'sweetiepie' from her behaviour and personality. If I were bigger than him I might run up to him and yell at him get over it but i shall and can only keep that as a fantasy. His, i presume, henchmen, started scanning around the area with flashlights.The top of the lighthouse was small. It wouldn't be long till I'm discovered. I felt guilty for suggesting such a date venue suddenly.

"You can do us a favour by showing yourselves now and maybe we'll spare you a feel blows. But if you are not gon--"

The gust of wind flew past as well as a gunshot seemingly pointed towards the air could be heard. Xyren emerged from the darkness she blended so well with and elbowed one of her previous gang mates on his cheek that broke half of the teeth he owned judging from the momentum. The victim wanted to scream but he was interrupted by a second blow landing on his head. The attacker then glided like a gymnast using the first victim's head like a pivot to plant a dropkick on a second victim. The tip of her high heels struck his groins. Somehow i felt evil and hoped that the impact crushed it because it sounded like it did. An eunuch-like scream escaped his mouth making him a her now for the rest of 'its' life. This one was only holding a baseball bat. Nevertheless the two of them fell flat to the floor. The one with the gun stayed motionless while the one without his balls rolled on floor crying away 'its' manhood. I began to wonder if the spirit of Lara Croft possessed my girlfriend. She disappeared into the darkness again.

The remaining five (I could finally spot the exact numbers of the hooligans) turned towards the direction of the noise. They pointed their lights hoping to find that pretty dangerous girl but thankfully they saw nothing but rusted metal platform with flimsy poles that looked like they weren't maintained for very long. One of them with a gun panicked and decided that he could get lucky by shooting into the darkness blindly. The others resumed their search for her and me. One of them with a metal bar walked towards where I was. He didn't see me, right? He couldn't have. I childishly wished I was really good at playing hide and seek. I stayed as motionless as i could but it didn't deter him from moving closer. I could hear his nervous panting but I think I'm the more nervous one. I wished I could do something about it but my negativity reminded me that I could be a burden to the professional if I thought I was smart. Desperately I wanted to call out "SAVE ME XYREN!" and watch another live action movie but that would reveal where i was and there are no re-takes in real life. Or maybe I could try the elbow trick that i saw just now? Yeah, maybe she could be proud of me too. Maybe.

As if he was anticipating someone coming from any direction where he was now, his footsteps lightened. His breathing gave his location away though. My heart was whispering 'give-up-looking-here-already' to his brain while my brain was trying to remember how artistic my girlfriend knocked down the gunner and imitated her position the best i could. When my heart realised it wasn't built for telepathy, it began to convince me to think that I was King Leonidas for a few seconds.

I sprung out of the metal-rod-holder's nothingness with my almighty elbow that missed his nose by two inches. (I was aiming for the cheek too) I couldn't control the inertia of the swing and it hit the dusty pole that was meant to prevent vertigo. The rusted pole cracked a little while my forearm felt numb because. I didn't miss hitting myself on the nerve. A loud "pang!" was apparent. My doom too. I assumed everyone knew where to look for me now. He laughed at my failed attempt to fight back and my sorry face. What were they gonna do to me?

Clag.Clag.Clag.Clag.Swift high heel footsteps. The two with guns heard it too and fired random shots at where they assumed the sound was coming from. Thankfully they had horrible accuracy. I assumed that though, from the temporary silence after a few blank shots.One 'clag' replaced the silence and then it was followed by two 'clangs'. Before anyone saw anything Xyren somersaulted her way to their top while being close enough to steal one of the pistols like an acrobat performing the baton passing stunt. Everyone else who were conscious widened their eyes trying to differentiate if the flying person was Xyren or Jackie Chan. Deep inside my heart, the world's smallest band was playing its cresendo to match the excitement from merely watching what just happened. An urge to cheer for her came and was gone as soon as i remembered there was a guy with a weapon in front of me. Like me, he was utterly shocked too as proven by not changing the same posture he had a few seconds ago. Taking that chance, I pushed him away not knowing what would that do to keep myself safe.

"Holy crap" One of the men exclaimed.

While airborne, Xyren managed to flip the pistol to face the targets. The remaining guy with the gun woke up to his senses and returned fire as if he was defending himself. Neither of them were avid sharpshooters and bullets flew in all the harmless directions. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. To my horror, the landing trajectory of that jump seemed to end at the pole I mistakenly damaged just now. She was gonna fall.

I shouldn't have tried to be smart.

Her heels tapped at the where i estimated it. The failing pole crumbled to her weight. However, her killing intend wasn't replaced by her will to survive. If I were her I would've let go of the gun and reach out for my hands which were trying to save her life. Instead, she continued firing. A few bullets greased through my hair and it stopped the gunfire coming from the other direction and orchestraed the screams of a few dying men. Finally she realised she promised to let me kiss all night later. Maybe I shouldn't have underestimated her agility because her left hand reached out for mine. I felt the grip although gravity was never forgiving. I realised her right hand was still holding on to the weapon and it sort of disappointed me. Either she was hiding it really well or she looked totally calm and that kind of scared me too.

"How very romantic.."

Shit. Should've worked out more and I could've pull Xyren up. Xyren wasn't heavy but my hands were weak. My hands felt like it was going to separate from my body but I believed in my happy ending. Suddenly I thought of myself declaring death isn't enough to separate us moments ago and now this was so going to be so my fault. The crack on the pole. We were so gonna kiss. The way she taunted me. My crude jokes followed by her laughter. The bicycle ride together. Cheating in exams with a stranger. The way she convinced me to go somewhere she desired. Her 'this is the first time i...' to me. My pathetic inability to carry her up..... and finally the optimistic strength of every bit of my body and soul... to ensure my own happiness.

Little did i notice somebody's shadow, and then above that shadow was the shadow of a metal rod. Her reacting right hand made me realise that fact. My anger of her recklessness that i assumed faded. I chose to ignore the possible pain and focused on lifting her.. I didn't care if i misplaced her and she might miss the shot.

I cannot lose you...

Click. Click click click.

Out of ammo?

A roaring thud on my back. The pain was intense. But it must be bearable. I anticipated a few more coming. Or maybe a lot more. I mentally disciplined myself to hold her tighter upon receiving every hit. Tears began to drip uncontrollably that got me to hate myself more to suspect the fact that I was a man who couldn't tolerate physical pain. I won't give up on you, Xyren. It will be worthwhile. It will be worthwhile. It will be.....


Along came a blow that sent stars and fog to my vision. Xyr- Everything blacked out.


"You fucking bastard!"

The leader of the gang, Monero held Whart, the metal rod wielder by his collar so close to himself he could smell his halitosis breath. Whart was always the troublemaker, the coward, the one who talked the loudest only when he knew he was on the winning side. He was sadistic, and always dreamt of being the alpha although he was never being very competent at even the easiest of jobs. Originally Monero had him in the pack just so if shit happens he would be the scapegoat. And originally Monero just wanted to mutilate Blink so Xyren would realise how powerless and useless Blink was around her. He had wanted Xyren back himself. Ironically, his stupidity never thought that bringing people with weapons like guns would result in what that had happened now.

Whart was the shadow over Blink. He was the one who said How very romantic. And the one barraging the helpless guy with a weapon that he was never good at using. Not that he was good at anything anyway. The short-lived feeling of sadistic truimph had been forgotten when his eyes met Monero's. He wanted to flee but fear had sprouted him to the where he was. He wanted to say that he was sorry but he knew it takes more than sorry to rectifiy what he just did. One moment he was laughing hysterically. Now he was crying, even before any pain was inflicted on him.

"You saw that bitch.. She was crazy."
"And so you hit the guy?"
"I. I-"

Before he realised it he was eating up his own words. Another member of the gang, Hind, the third and last survivor from the sky dive bullet shower spoke and it seemed to distract Monero from killing Whart a few minutes earlier. A bullet lodged into his right feet. He somehow felt lucky to be alive although he felt stupid for following someone like Monero just because he was his childhood friend.

"What are you going to do about that pretty boy?"

He was mending himself with the first aid knowledge he got from high school. Monero had always respected Hind and considered him as if he was a brother. But the big guy was fuming mad at the 'scapegoat' he almost ignored his 'brother'. Luckily, for Whart, he didn't. It was a long silence until he muttered,

"Dispose of his body."
"Dead or alive?"

Gathering the remaining bit of energy, Hind got up and limped towards the now unconscious Blink. Monero hadn't answered. He pointed his gun at that pretty head, waiting for an answer from the leader. Monero was never this indecisive, he thought to himself.


I lovee yewwwwwwwww!!

What the fuck? Did I just declared 'I-love-you' instead of 'save-my-life' when I knew I was going to die? Must've been watching too many movies. Wait. Did I just, fall? I didn't remember falling. Was this heaven? If it was then the ground i was on now sure felt like the floor we were leaning on just now. He pulled me up right? I remembered myself being sucked up by a force. But I remembered our fingers disconnected so did every nerve connected to my brain. I remembered yelling out his name with the maximum capability of my lungs. But the i-love-you I wanted to say so much didn't make it. I seemed to lose control and sensation of my throat, my mouth and my lungs. Did I scared myself to death?

Yeah that must had be a dream. My stupid ex came up to carry out the promise I didn't let him make. Then I singled handedly fought them off but died a heroine. I even somersaulted and fire rounds mid-air. Blinkie must've being so proud of me if he happened to see that. Heehee. Maybe I could show him that someday in real life. Oh wait. Did i just fall asleep in his arms? Not my fault okay. Blame his cushion-like arms. He must've being really mad at me now if I really did doze off. We even promised to kiss. Did we? Or was in or out of the dream? When did I start dozing off?

Wait. If i were asleep, why was i here lying on the floor, face down but not on his shoulder?
Yeah, I was gonna wake up anytime soon. It felt like worse hangover I had ever had. I didn't remember any recent alcohol intakes. My back and head ached like it had multiple blunt traumas. Suddenly I remembered, in that dream, Blinkie was holding on to a falling me so tightly while enduring beatings from that useless jerk Whart. I saw his perserverance and that suck-it-up expression and, for the first time in my life, was touched by man to the extend i shed tears. In a dream. Oh, my cheeks were wet. Did I just cried in the dream? Maybe that was why he left me at the floor.

"*blur*pose of is bod*blur*"

What the fuck? That voice bore an uncanny resemblance with my stupid ex's. Was Blinkie trying to imitate it? He sure did a good job. Wait. I never even told him that moron's name! Nevertheless this incident recovered my sense of hearing.

"dead or alive?"

Hind? Okay. This wasn't a dream. Maybe I was unconscious for awhile. Suddenly I worried about Blinkie's safety and hoped I wasn't unconscious for too long. Guiltiness surged into me but it was immediately replaced by adrenaline when I felt a recently fired Glock pointed at my head. A few strands of hair seared to the heat residue of the gun. I didn't remember having such short hair.

Hind was never this careless, I thought to myself. He knew the disarming trick my hand could do, right? Judging from the direction of barrel, the Glock must be right above my wrist. Seizing the precious opportunity, I wrestled the gun out of his hand into mine.

What the fuck? My motions were less fluid. Maybe Hind was being cautious all the while. Or that I got clumsier. I could do it faster three months ago.


Another few rounds were fired randomly due to a struggling Hind. What the fuck? I could out-wrestle him three months ago, too. And now he had the chance of overpowering me. Did I mellowed down ever since I was with Blinkie? Maybe that was the price i had to pay. Was it worthwhile?

Eh. I remembered I just somersaulted moments ago. I didn't believe that my fighting skills were rusted. Did I bruised his manly ego back in the days that he decided to work out more for today? Oh. I just somersaulted and shot him in the leg moments ago. Lucky bastard who survived. Not anymore.

"They should teach you a lesson that revenge is never sweet-"

In some ways I respected this man. But it takes more than respect for me to take such a dishonorable advantage - blame survival instinct. I stomped at his wound with my Jimmy Choos and hoped the pain would incapacitate him enough to move on the next threat.

The attacking sensation was strange - I felt the pressure of my whole feet instead of the supposed pressure only on my heels - and realised I was wearing Nike Air that didn't belong to me. It looked very familiar though. Blinkie's?

Unable to bear the pain, Hind collapsed to the floor and tried his best not to scream but failed. A running stupid ex subsituted for his fallen comrade's position and attempted to land a punch on my face. It was his trademark one-shot-punch or so he called it, I knew exactly how to avoid it but my reflexes seemed slower. Blaming Blinkie again. It didn't critically hit me but the sheer force of the punch and the shockwave made me fell flat to the floor. I was alive enough to feel happy about breaking up with this stupid. At least, if you wanted to kill me, do it in other ways but please don't disfigure my face. Although Moreno was stupid in many ways, he was the best guy I had ever met in bed. I could never find another bull to ride me like that. Not a chance with Blinkie. But that bull came with a catch, his left waist was his forbidden zone. He said it would hurt even upon contact and that he always had to sleep with the right side of his body on the bottom. Never thought that kind of information would come in handy. Half laying on floor, I ran a fist onto his weakness. I was in disbelief when I thought I heard my knuckle crack. Due to the spot on impact, he submitted momentarily but was still strong enough to stand up.

"That bitch told you that?"

Huh? Was 'bitch' addressing himself? I lifted myself up. I realised I was panting. It was been awhile since I've actually ran out of breath like that. Wait a minute. Something was missing. I was fairly sure that what I did just now WASN'T enough to tire me. Moreover, even if i pant, why did my chest felt, lighter? Did my boobs suddenly fall off? Out of nowhere an unlikely hypothesis occured to me. No way this was happening. Doubting how impossible my hypothesis was, my left hand reached to feel what that was in between my legs.

The Nike Air instead of the Jimmy Choos. The cracking of the knuckle. Moreno's "that bitch told you that". Hind's something-something-about-revenge. The panting. The pressumed rust of skills. The pain in the head and back.

A dick.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

fragments, scatter # 0


you've witnessed the fragments of my memory, now behold, the fragments of my imagination.


yes i knew it is very amateur-ish. i can spot grammar mistakes every now and then. my range of vocab is very very limited. my knowledge regarding the topics i wanted to talk about is limited too. Sigh. I optimistically hope readers enjoy it enough to critic, if there is even any. And also if any of you understood what i was writing.

my real life has gotten slightly busier in terms of work. And i think i need to read more to write properly. unlike now =(

also, I wonder if i could commit to fragments, scatter. Any tips, frequent novel readers?

and erm. I'm not Blink. Siren is not Xyren.

Sunday, October 4, 2009

fragments, gather

Dear Siren,
I would be grateful if you actually take the least bit of your time to read any of the feather fragments. I would be even more grateful if you actually visit this page again with your own initiative, although i know it would be less likely. Anyhow, if you happen to do so, here's the table of content for everything, for your convenience's sake.

feather fragments #1: re-know
feather fragments #2: twilight memory
feather fragments #3: the minor spark of light
feather fragments #4: goodnightandsweetdreams#1
feather fragments #5: goodnightandsweetdreams#2
feather fragments #6: goodnightandsweetdreams#3&4
feather fragments #7: January
feather fragments #8: zero is zero and nothing but zero
feather fragments #9: oh sorry i dont remember
feather fragments #10: my song echoes from the deeps
feather fragments #11: anxiety
feather fragments #12: attunement
feather fragments #13: February
feather fragments #14: February*
feather fragments #15: tenth star
feather fragments #16: typical rarity
feather fragments #17: angels*
feather fragments #18: mandate
feather fragments #19: pinch me
feather fragments #20: turning point*
feather fragments #21: disconnect
feather fragments #22: rend
feather fragments #23: the professional refresher
feather fragments #24: taint
feather fragments #25: epic fail
feather fragments #26: Scorpio*
feather fragments #27: don't keep promises you can't make

(*- uhm, highlights? lol)

Thank you for making me feel feelings i have never felt before. I was never being this happy, although it was short-lived.

Yours Sincerely, (够诚意了嗎?)

Thursday, September 24, 2009

feather fragments # 27: don't keep promises you can't make

Those words just blurted out. Even though i considered how uneasy she would react to it. Selfishly i didn't care. Because at that moment i wanted to show how much i cared although i knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

'very hard for me to tell you.'

She sounded as if she was sleeping and my phone call was the one responsible for waking her up that day. Her talking speed was slower than usual. Nonetheless it challenged me to feel nervous. I knew what i heard but i didnt quite understand it.

'what does that mean? like or don't like only wert.'

I never thought i would become so pressuring. An immediate moment of guilt rushed in but it was gone as soon as it came. Our conversation suddenly turned awkward within ten seconds from the start of the call. Taking some time to think to herself, she said blurly, but clear enough for my concentrated ear to pick up.

'don't.. really... know.. how to tell you.'

Why this reply? That pictures will lead or mislead people to think that they are more than friends. My mind became deductive due to the brainstorming-warm-up i'd gotten all night:

a) It is just a picture.
b) Maybe she hadn't decide if she likes him, but still considering.
c) Maybe she already did, and he hadn't proposed so she didn't dare to declare that they were officially an item.
d) She didn't want to tell me.

I thought of the picture that we've taken together although it didnt come as close as the pictures that don't have anyone tagged. I remembered that she told me about boys pursuing her and how easily and firmly she would say no to them but not to this one. I remembered that she wouldn't jump to conclusions hastily so she would take some time considering. Ironically i thought of her being an adoration junkie although im not supposed to.

I snapped out of my own world of thoughts after a few seconds. The next time i said, as impulsive as i was, was the summary of what happened to me the night before. Of what that kept me rolling on the bed till sunrise. Of what that sent me into a violent whirlpool that never reached the bottom.

'i know im not supposed to tell you this, but im jealous.'

Forgive me. I couldn't help it although i knew im no position to tell her that. Or just let me and forget about me begging for forgiveness. Credit me instead for being so honest and direct.

'really.. dont know how to tell you.'

dont really know how to tell me or dont really know how to tell someone like me? I knew she was aware of my intentions. Or maybe she wasn't. Or maybe there was still a slight amount of hope on me but that was merely predicted by my desire. Or less maybe but more definitely, no considerations about me were made due to herself being busy considering the other one. Maybe i should give her some space to sort out her thoughts. Well, not maybe. I should.


It was my friend's birthday. I remembered it but i didn't wish him. I didn't feel like typing the word 'happy' at that time. Happy belated birthday, Recharge.


I couldn't sleep for the next two days. To redundant thoughts of Siren. Jealousy works better than caffeine. Or horror movies.

*************** please kindly skip to the non-purple part. these are just posted as evidence for being imsomniac. They are repetitive and boring if you are not me.**********

what does don't-know-how-to-tell-you means?
She never made any attempts of talking to me. Well, almost never. (ff#21-24)
I'm the first person she would ever got close to in the shortest period of time. (ff#17)
He's the guy she mentioned during ff#14? (ff#14)
What happened to the guy who gave her the chain? (not included in any ff-s, happening during ff#23) Did she return him?
Is the guy who was all over her in the KTV session him? (not included in any ff-s, before ff#26)
She doesn't let me in her room. (ff#18)
Nor staying with her. (ff#24)
She asked me to compare herself with Akasha though. (ff#14)
She never replied that facebook message. (ff#23)
She sometimes askED me if i miss her when i call her (ff#24~ff#2?)

I'm not sincere enough? (ff#20)
Am i missing out something on that day? (ff#20)
Besides getting her phone number. (ff#21)
She said she had this distrust on foreigners due to her so-called 'temptations'. (ff#5, ff#16)
but ff#26 begs to differ.
What if i waited outside her house during ff#19?
What if i didnt chicken out during ff#17?
What if she didnt prolong our meeting period? (ff#8)
I should be happy with what happened. and that delay of flight. if not there wouldn't be ff#16-ff#20. or any feather fragments at all.
what happened to the pendrive and highest hope now? (ff#16)
i so should sleep.
does she remember ff#17?
Can i still carry out epic? (ff#25). seems very imappropriate.
It might be effective. But its too impractical. Takes too long and it might hurt her.
What if i didnt meet her at all? (ff#1)
Does she hate me for passing the flu to her? (ff#2)
I've gotten the best prize ever from learning how to growl/rap. (ff#3) because without that there wouldn't be ff#4.
she asked a total stranger like me if i was single or not. (ff#1)
Statement about secret is no longer valid (ff#16)
what if i stayed and showed what my throat can do during ff#18?
or rather, just mingle with them. (ff#18, again)
I really should sleep. I didn't sleep last night.
She happy?
All her comments on the facebook pictures implied so.
She is happy. Her friends are happy for her too.
She said when SourceofEpic wanted her back he had a girlfriend already in two weeks time and she was really heartbroken about it. (ff#14)
I only wore that boxed shirt once. (ff#14)
When the first angel possessed me, she told me Hong Kong guys are creepy because there's one person who tried to do that to her too. And she had to run. But only to his car because he drove her. And she didn't run away from me. (ff#17)
My first time (ff#17)
There's only 26 ff-s. Too little for anything to happen.
ff#17 could mean nothing to her.
what if i noticed and answered that she wasnt on make-up during ff#20?
Her parents remember me? (ff#10)
What about her sister? (ff#18)
No. No.
Please remember me.
and my birthday.
Maybe she won't.
i hate crabs. (ff#26) like how i hate alcohol.
and gooses. (ff#26) like how i hate christmas eve.
I would love to sleep.
Should i still go visit? (ff#20-24)
she didn't find out a specific date for me to go visit her. (ff#24)
Graduate and go back together? (ff#24)
Don't think she remember saying that.
Together.. (ff#24)
rather, with him. (ff#26)
Age? (ff#5)
Yes. (ff#14)
Security. (ff#16)
Ice cream.. (ff#19)
Nah probably she didnt want to go redbox alone with me was because our genres of songs are way too different. It's like she's heaven and i'm hell. (ff#17)
我准备就现在 乘着流星 抛开崩坏的过去 (ff#15)
骄傲的人类 (灭), supposed to be 毁 (ff#17)
took me two weeks to catch up that part. (ff#20)
did she threw them away? those keychains.. (ff#20)
Oh i should be sleeping.
Her laughter. (ff#1,2,3,7,9,10,11,13,14,15,16,17,18,20,24)
So little.
Her emotional side. (ff#16)
Her sleepy face. (ff#17)
Her compliments. (ff#1,3,4,5,6,14,16,17,20)

Her lousiness in playing chor dai di. (ff#7)
And that cute expression when she thought she was gonna win. (ff#7)
All that will be drowned out and forgotten. (after all ff-s)
by her.
and by me hopefully.
as soon as possible.
as soon as possible.
****************ok i will not put anymore. it's annoying enough already i know**************

Don't worry, even though i couldn't sleep, my diet was still normal. Nevertheless i looked as if my spirit had left me. I went to work carrying the same look, too ignorant to bother what people would think of me. Thankfully there was work, something to distract me from those imsomnia causing thoughts. Never before i was so workaholic; never again either. My bloodshot eyes glued themselves to the computer unflinchingly and it was one of the very rare times i didnt require coffee to keep myself awake to do work even though the consecutive days of not sleeping. (fri, sat, sun)

A kindred soul, or a colleague, noticed my irregularities. She gave me a sneak peek of how she handles such issues and that made me realise how strong she was and relatively, how weak i am. Somehow i felt ashamed for overreacting. For being troubled when i wasn't supposed to. As she couldn't stand seeing the zombie i was, she gave me an advice that brought senses to my corpse. It was just something that anyone could say but the impact was critical.

You can move on in one day or one week or one year or never. But provided with how she is treating you now she wouldn't give a damn. Life is too short to fully enjoy it so enjoy it while you still can. Everyone deserves better.

I saw that coming though i never saw how i would feel upon seeing that. Those words seemed so righteous. Or was it the way she executed it. Or was it the lucky one that got into me after the plenty advices i got from other friends. I didn't know. I knew i had to leave Siren in peace. All odds were against me.

If this was a battle that dying is inevitable, the least i can do is die standing.

So i decided to make that call. To declare that i'm disappearing from trying to get into her life.


'I've decided to give up on visiting you in Melbourne.'

Those words left my mouth stern, loud, clear and very unwillingly. I sure hoped she didn't need me to repeat saying it because it was too contradicting to what I've said to her before this phone call, what I've told people, and what i've wanted to say. Probably surprised by such an initiation of a conversation, she took some time to digest what she heard.

"I think you know what i mean."

She knew. Moreover, she seemed to be relieved upon hearing what i said. I didn't know this for a fact, i merely guessed it from her reaction, which was laughter. As much as i like to hear her laugh, it was upsetting to hear it for such a moment. After she regained her composure, she reassured me of my suspicions of herself being relieved.

"wo he ni ye si mei she me la." (me and you, nothing)

Siren's actually correct. We never promised each other anything. I realised i was keeping a promise i silently made to myself but not to her. Not that i could make it anyway. I no longer have the thinking that action speaks louder than words.

"aiya, we also didn't know each other for very long.. and we went out to eat and sing K for a few times only."

An instant of all the feather fragments flowed into my mind. Yes, it was all pleasant, but it wasn't enough to lead to anything. Perhaps it wasn't never meant to lead to anything. All elements of romanticism were just from my perspective only. It takes two to tango.

"besides, you are too young for me."

I remember. I wanted to defy her principles. By being the exceptional example. But now all the silent vows i made to myself would remain in silence. Nevertheless i appreciate her being so direct. Really.

"So would you tell me who the guy is now?"
"Some guy from my music school. A pianist. How tall are you? Around 180cm right? Almost as tall as you. Known him for more than three years. One year older than us."

Oh. I was this arrogant peacock that have yet to meet a phoenix. Just when i thought i should be proud of those magnificently iridescent feathers of mine, the phoenix prevailed its superiority of feathers by leaving a longer trail of more colorful and sparkling fragments, putting me to shame for thinking so highly of myself before. Or maybe he was just an average peacock while i was only an average pigeon, unrecognized among the many pigeons who approached her.

"He's quite good looking."
"YA MIEH? ok ok only la. Not as good looking as you think la."

Well, i wasn't sure how good looking Siren thought he was, but she seemed to be very concerned and excited when this topic was brought up, and this confirmed who the peacock is and who the pigeon is.

"So would you answer me now if i ask you if you like him?"
"At this moment.. i don't really know how to tell you yet. Getting there i guess.."

Hmmm. Yeah. Good answer. Logic was the right one all the while.

"I didn't sleep the last few days.."
"Haha, your joking, right? I don't believe you."

Right. What was the difference even if Siren believed me? Wouldn't change the fact that i didn't sleep. Neither would it change the fact that she didn't bother.

"Fine if you don't believe me."
"Hmmm... keke.. we also didn't have the advantages of time and space.. Relationships aren't that simple. You have never experienced one so maybe its hard for you to understand. Timing plays an important factor. When we met i was just holiday-ing in Penang. You knew i was going back to Australia."
"Haha... i'm like a kid who have never tasted candy."

It implied that i would cry like one when i thought i almost had a taste and then i didn't.

"You're still small la. You'll understand better once you are in a relationship. When i go out with a particular person and when both parties are single and available, considerations about the other party come to mind. Further considerations and meetings will be made if the person has positive or suitable traits." (translation errors, i doubt the meaning stayed the same but i tried my best to maintain the same meaning.)

I needed a saving grace. I wasn't rational.

"Ever considered me?"

Siren's statement before my question indirectly answered my question. Or maybe she didnt mean to and i was just thinking too much. Maybe she already knew i was. It took her a few long seconds to reply me. Perhaps she was trying to keep the damage at minimum.

"bu yao hui da ni, bu yao ge ni wu si luan xiang" (not answering you. Don't want you to think too much)

It didn't stop me from thinking too much. As a matter of a fact, whatever she answered wouldn't stop me from thinking too much. It would be too mean for her to say she never considered me. On the other hand, she might be afraid to give me false hope if she said she did. Furthermore, even if she did, she wouldn't change herself for someone as insignificant as me. To be honest but bias, it felt like she did consider. The way she said it. The way i saw it. Let me know it as the way i wanted it to be. Nonetheless, it did stop me from inquiring further.

We moved on to discuss about our perspectives towards relationships. Our conversation was abruptly ceased when my parents summoned me for dinner.

I could finally sleep that night.


Siren's facebook relationship status changed during May the 16th. *EDIT*