be warned.

2048

2010-08-12T23:49:00.002+08:00

I inquired you about you and told you about myself but it isn't like what it was before, to me. You didn't reply me. And then reminded you twice. And you even agreed to once of it on MSN, but the fact is, you didn't. Or haven't. Or will never.

and you know what? i didn't care as much. I slept like any other days that i've slept. Yes, there's a wee bit of dissapointment in me, but it's too insignificant.

2048 is the number of times your blog has being visited. I think 1900++ are done by me. The number of hits per day really helped me to keep track of... how much i've missed you. When i started to feel like doing this, i hit 7-8 per day. After a few weeks i put in my effort and it rised up to 15-16 a day. There was once i almost hit 20 in one single day. However, as i wasn't in front of a computer so long on the weekends, Saturday and Sundays usually get 4 to 5 hits. Gradually, the number of hits decreased to a steady 10-12. And since last week (written on 13 aug 2010), 0.

I guess it's time, to wander again, to find new journeys. You shall be in my memory, but i won't let it bother me. Thank you for being another practical teacher, and thank you, for my feather fragments.

you know what?

2010-04-29T00:07:00.001+08:00

i still horribly, miss you.

i feel like: #25

2010-02-11T07:22:00.003+08:00

showing. The amount of laughter i garnered. Too bad you wouldn't be there to see.

i feel like: #24

2010-02-10T14:34:00.001+08:00

thanking you for the alarm again.

i feel like: #23

2010-02-09T08:12:00.000+08:00

Don Quixote. And i don't care.

i feel like: #22

2010-02-08T21:14:00.002+08:00

filling you with bits of my boring life although I know you're less likely to be even interested to know.

i feel like: #21

2010-02-07T21:58:00.002+08:00

everything everywhere, regardless of the relevance, reminds.

i feel like: #20

2010-02-06T21:25:00.002+08:00

asking you where have you two been?

i feel like: #19

2010-02-05T16:00:00.000+08:00

i regretted giving up.

i feel like: #18

2010-02-04T09:15:00.001+08:00

time crawls.

i feel like: #17

2010-02-03T08:39:00.000+08:00

inquiring if you've found the famous laksa&cendol place already.

i feel like: # 16

2010-02-02T08:14:00.002+08:00

it's coming. That expected stinging nonsensical pain that I thought I no longer need to expect anymore.

i feel like: #15

2010-02-01T11:05:00.001+08:00

Illidan Stormrage.

i feel like: #14

2010-01-31T21:29:00.001+08:00

i'm handling it better than i thought.

i feel like: #13

2010-01-30T13:09:00.001+08:00

a foolish tool to everyone else's eyes but a dark knight to my own eyes only.

i feel like: #12

2010-01-29T13:49:00.002+08:00

teaching you how to go Penang Hill and Kek Lok Si. (go KLS during cny, the lightings are spectacular)

i feel like: #11

2010-01-28T08:13:00.003+08:00

thanking you for making me think of you to the extend i remember about your picture to remember about that i forgot to set the alarm yesterday.

i feel like: #10

2010-01-27T23:11:00.001+08:00

asking you about you and you and you.

i feel like: #9

2010-01-26T09:00:00.001+08:00

telling him that there's another one beside the police station

i feel like: #8

2010-01-25T13:56:00.000+08:00

telling him that there's a florist along the road of her house.

i feel like: #7

2010-01-24T15:54:00.000+08:00

listening to whatever that you have to say.

i feel like: #6

2010-01-23T17:58:00.001+08:00

telling you that i finished that novel 'Digital Fortress" in one day! *imagines your pretended applause*

i feel like: #5

2010-01-22T12:57:00.000+08:00

knowing as much as not knowing

i feel like: #4

2010-01-21T19:51:00.000+08:00

hitting 1000. it's 378 now.

i feel like: #3

2010-01-20T08:44:00.001+08:00

fading away and hanging around, imposing at the same time

i feel like: #2

2010-01-19T19:26:00.001+08:00

wishing that you get well soon.

i feel like: #1 telling you many, many things./ fragments, scatter # 5

2010-01-18T22:56:00.002+08:00

oh it's not fresh anymore

2009-12-26T21:32:00.004+08:00

if only i can apply my memory faster..

i almost didn't hear a christmas song today.

i didn't hear one today also.
got any?
send meee

haha sorry i don't have. i would've heard one if i have one.

***************

why didn't i think of this reply earlier?

comeflywithme09.pixnet.net

(okay first of may isnt exactly a christmas song but wtf christmas trees are mentioned)

compliment

2009-11-27T01:22:00.004+08:00

"My cousin works as a salesman. He almost rarely help us out."

I was eavesdropping unintentionally to a conversation happening behind my head. Their face features weren't striking enough for me to remember as i walked pass them. It was just that i didn't bring that book to divert me from paying attention to the most trivial and uninteresting happenings around the departure gateway. I was surprised, but not regretting that my attention span wasn't that short to make me wonder what that tall guy with a-face-that-you-would-like-to-punch with elvis presley hair with very formal but colorful clothes and sharp boots was doing with his laptop.

"Why are we so alike... we were fed by only women."

I thought i saw some bubbles from the LCD screen of the laptop. But my brain prioritized my ears over my eyes as i nonchalantly heard that. A brief moment of silence that came after seemed to symbolize the full stop of the sentence. The plain-looking teenagers took some time to empathize each others' mishaps. I felt greeted by a superior maturity coming from that two girls whose age would be at most ten years my junior. Not seeing them, i assumed that they would be staring at each other (like lesbians) or enjoying the same view with blank expressions (like lesbians too).

"Neh we are kinda different.. you guys are only two. I have three other siblings!"

The raise of tone wasn't directed at the one who said the mistake although it was a one-on-one dialogue. Rather, she sounded pitifully proud and i would like to think of that as the reason. The fact that we were in a flight departure gateway implies that they have to live with it and get the best out of life no matter how hard it is. This moment, i could only sympathize, contrary to the me that usually tries his best to empathize.

"Yeah you're right.."

The-answering-one made the-one-who-raised-her-voice sounded as if she triumphed over her in the shortest debate ever. But no, there are no victors or losers here. I continued to feign ignorance after a following quiet moment. Perhaps the two realised that there was an illegal judge to their privately emotional debate.

The silence was then broken by an inclusion of another voice familiar to those two but not me. Then i saw that the game which that-weird-man-whom-i-gave-him-a-long-description was playing was called 'Bubbletronix'. (it wasn't a pretty girl playing so i didnt remember properly)

And beside him, were two human beings responsible for excluding me from participations in debates as such.

thanks.

fragments, scatter # 4:

2009-11-22T20:46:00.016+08:00

My/His weary legs finally dragged us to my/his room. I had to tolerate her constant complaints about how they are gonna fall away from my body. And the sad little fact that she changed the way she addressed this body from 'us' to 'him', as if it didn't belong to her. If this body was mine it wouldn't be this way. Things would've been different. I wouldn't have to struggle to merely make a step. I wouldn't have to worry about what was I gonna think about. Worrying about what to talk about when things are normal is already hard enough. Especially this one who analyses almost every single thing but fails to do so when I want him to do so.

This one? Am I just another one that you can just simply disregard?
More or less.

I would've looked away. I would've remained in silence. I would've hoped that he was sensitive enough to know what my reactions meant. But I had already answered him before I could do something about it. Naturally but involuntarily. Keeping the mouth shut and keeping the mind shut are two very different things. This was awfully awkward. If this was a phone call, I would've find a way to end the conversation as soon as possible and proceed to occupy my mind with some random activities. All the memories that I have shared with her came to me like a kaleidoscope, immaturely denying the impulsively honest reply her mind gave. My sense of denial was so strong I begged her pardon although I was pretty certain of what she replied.

Another one? Simply disregard?
You want me to rephrase the 'more or less' into a simple 'yes'?

I thought of how she used to rest her chin on one of the side of my shoulders (usually left) whenever we would encounter a mirror to practise our compability in terms of appearance. Oh, so? I thought of how she used to bite MY fingernails instead of her own when she had a manicure and still couldn't shake off that unbreakable habit of hers. You enjoyed it too didn't you? I thought of the uncountable number of clothes she would pick just to try on before purchasing anything to let the shopping attendants eye me with sympathy for being very patient. So you can't really wait?

I can.

The effect was bizzare. It was as if someone threw coins at you. It hits hard. It hurts, in a heartwarming way. This one usually says things that are music to my ears. I used to think that they were fabricated just to please me. I have to admit that I'm a horrible adoration junkie so I artistically provoke victims to compliment me, regardless of the sincerity. Of course, I would prefer them to sound authentic, intellectual, humorous, confident, etc. But this, this two simple words, "I can" sunk into me even if i wanted to doubt it, like food too good to be digested.

But really, so what if you are the most patient person in this world? It doesn't change the fact that i'm stuck here, with you, seeing ghosts everywhere.

I was propelled into a state of shock. Her lack of appreciation sent my self-esteem into a downhill slide. That childish and selfish part of me wanted to deny truth but what I've heard, or received was written in her mind. The childish and selfish part of me persisted to futilely convince myself that the voice projecting in my head wasn't actually Xyren's. Or at least, the Xyren that I knew.

Then, this, is the Xyren that you don't know.

......

A long silence ensued. It was disturbing for awhile for it being the first silence we had encountered since I woke up with her voice in my head/the cemetery. Even the most timid person in the world should have something going on in his mind in the state of sobriety. Or maybe it felt long, because there wasn't a time that our minds were put to rest since we both were brought into this mess.

You make sense.
You said this to make me feel better, to feel less guilty about yourself didn't you?
What?

For a tiny speck of moment, I thought that we could still.. work. Why did he had to spoil it all with that statement? Why couldn't he just grab hold of the truth and accept it? Why did he had to doubt?

At least you still wanted us to work.
Argh. Did you just ignored everything else that isn't pleasant to your ears?

I couldn't stand this. I wanted him out. Or to put it in a less harsher way, I wanted myself out. He's overreacting too much that it creepy. To think that he had to witness what I felt first hand. And to think that we couldn't seemingly do anything about it. There must be something, right? There must be something we could do. There must be something I could do.

Do you think a witch, or a shaman, or some lady with mystical powers could help us with our current state?
So you hate it that we are completely honest with each other? What about the promise we made to each other about being never lying to each other?
Stop being such a whiney pussy! I bet that you're not enjoying it much either.
Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes, no. I don't know!

Seeking for a diversion from this dreadful topic, I looked around. Two figures stood by a blank wide side of the wall, facing away from us. There were so many ghost encounters along the journey back here that these two no longer terrify or surprise us anymore. Their hands seemed to be pre-occupied with doing something... like rubbing the wall with their hands/to the pictures?

Pictures?

An instant flash of memory images of those pictures of Xyren that I've unskillfully but diligently drew popped into my mind. How could I forget those while coming in? I wanted to impress her. I wanted to surprise her. All along. It was dark. We didn't turn on the lights while limping in. But I could read his memory like its mine. I could project the many, many 'pictures-of-me'-s around; which piece was based on which picture and where it was taken, which piece was innovated out of his imagination, which piece he was proud of and which piece that he wanted to throw away.

I gasped.

Are they... me? The fact itself was so hard to believe, but it wasn't something that science couldn't explain. Unlike the situation now. Are they really me? His obsession towards me was scary, in a diabetically sweet kind of way, but still, enough to frighten the hell out of me. It was like a serial murderer that pins up pictures and newspaper articles of his victims on the wall and all his victims are.. essentially me. Are they really really me? Oh Blinkey.. you don't really have to do this.. Can I turn on the lights to see clearer? You don't really need to do this.. Why would you want to draw me? How much time did you spend on everything? Oh the effort.. Why didn't you show me earlier?

It's not completed yet.

I remembered the portrait(s) of her that I've tried to fully draw it with only red. The overall red isn't dark enough to be the outlines so the inadequate contrast of the shading red used to represent the shadows made the picture look like she's crying and growing moustache. The more presentable ones are pinned to the walls to see which part of her that I've properly drew in order to be implemented in future attempts. I remembered the first portrait that I did, it was drawn till her abdomen, which is my second favourite picture among my works. The subsequent pictures of the similiar manner couldn't replace the impression I had on the first picture. However, the proportion of the boobs seemed out. No matter how many times I corrected the right one it would either look like its bigger or smaller than the left one. I finally settled for the right one being bigger, only slightly though. Haha you underestimated them. My favourite one, is a fantasy depiction of an angel of her. Aw... that's so sweet.. but your sense of fashion sucks! Everything was just recited in the mind, his mind so I still needed to see the whole thing with my my own eyes to achieve a higher satisfactory level.

We switched on the lights.

The two ghostly figures gestured us to look at my masterpiece/the wallpaper of me like cinema ushers. My memory served me well. Obviously though, since I see it everyday. Somehow the ghosts didn't strike me as disturbing at all. Rather, their cooperation with my intentions seemed like something that I wanted, although not expected, to see. It was as if something too good to be true came true. A mirage turned reality. They say seeing is believing, but this case defied the saying. I wanted to smile. I wanted to laugh. My heart raced. Well, not exactly mine. It is. Aw.. I wanted to cry. And then I want to laugh again. Nobody would do such a thing for me. This is too much. I felt guilty but happy. I felt responsible but irresponsible. I felt weird but I kinda welcomed the feeling. I felt orgasm but not sexually. Probably due to the absence of female hormones.

Oh, that's right. I'm already dead.

Tears, that neither of us were sure whose or why, began to wet our cheeks. I began to wonder if dying had brought me to my own heaven. Or if this was the so-called white light or the image phase I'm supposed to see when I am dead. I touched our face to check if it was ethereal. It was physical, and we weren't even sure to react positively or negatively towards it. I wanted to lie, to tell her that everything's fine, that everything's gonna be alright. I wanted to dry the tears, but i'm contributing to them both physically and mentally. I wanted to be her shoulder to cry on but we are crying together and we share the same shoulders now. At least, I'm crying when she's crying.

What the fuck? Lame, but it did made me smile. The slight movement of the lips wasn't mine.

And i'm smiling when you're smiling too.

22-23-22

2009-11-10T23:38:00.004+08:00

"Put me out of my fucking mi-ser-

I realised I've let too much percentage of my breath out. Don't go too high, rasp the start of 'ryy' with something high enough to go low later for 8 to 9 seconds and then switch back. My throat let out the usual growl that i've earned by sacrificing my ability to do normal falsetto notes and somehow it felt unfamiliar. It's getting rusty already, i pressume.

ryyyyyyyyyy

I can pull this off. The whole ryyy went okay for my untrained throat, i think. I heard someone appauld. Only one pair of hands. Good enough though. The growl i've projected was steadily sustained as till now. Just when i thought i deserve to be proud of myself, i desperately inhaled a sip of air to carry on the punishing yeah and cursed the raggy a few minutes ago for being overconfident. My heart whispered 'shit' but my mouth screamed the

-yeahhhh"

I couldn't pull this off. I struggled after the third second which was supposed to be the twelveth second. My stomach warned me with a slight cramp and i remembered the huge amount of food intake from the buffet breakfast a few half-an-hours ago. I surrendered to silence. Chester's yeah continued in the background for four to five more seconds and my disappontment acknowledged it as a taunt.

"wa ee pi lu ka ku gok" (wah he's longer than you)
"beh chio eh la" (Can't be sung wan la)

Perhaps i just wasn't emo enough.

(for those (i think everyone) who don't know, we were singing k, and i picked the song 'given up' by linkin park which has a 17 second long growl. )
*****
happy belated birthday

****

The couple, in separate cars, wound down the window simultaneously. The two girls giggled like they found 50 bucks on the floor. We eyed them with almost curious eyes and wondered if there was bird shit on my head and we didn't realised it as we woke up too early in the morning.

"Wa raggy you're so pretty!"
"you look like a girl from this angle!"

I took that as a compliment but remembered that i own (no past tense okay) a dick and gave them two fingers that symbolized it. No hostile situation here, I was still half-smiling because a deluded part of me still believed in that lie.

"HOR zeroes u cheat!"

He smiled, they laughed, my middle fingers persisted and the couple realised that we had enough nonsense and stopped the conversation by winding up the car windows. But it was still red light. Boschbell (haha) became fickle-minded (and jealous) and wound down the window again, as if to tell us something important.

"but i'm prettier!"

***
happy belated birthday
***

Work is getting busy. No time for fragments, scatter. #3 has wrong paragraphing. And i am doing nothing about it.

and erm. we skipped our carnival night for you! touched or not? okay maybe that's not much. roar.

fragments, scatter # 3: wake me up inside

2009-11-05T23:46:00.010+08:00

Great. It could be you who gave us the ability to see ghosts. And now is not a good time to be sarcastic.

How do I trust you?
How can you not trust your girlfriend? You're breaking my heart.
It could be that you were hiding that fact all along to spare me the dreadful details.
I'm not.
But it doesn't make sense either.
Or it could the side effects of.. your possession? I wanted to think that this was a dream.
You're convincing me little by little that this isn't a dream, from that statement.
Am I actually listening to your unfiltered thoughts?
Are we actually listening to each other's unfiltered thoughts?
This could be problematic.
Didn't you just say that I could trust you?
Yeah, but..
but?

All of my woman-ly secrets would be unwillingly revealed to you. Like my ex's name is Monero that you didn't know and that I preferred his body over yours. (obviously)

Shivers were sent down my spine. I

felt that too and it was weird as hell because it's like I was making myself shiver. It's not like I heard Xyren pronounced her sentence word by word but it just... occurred to me? I felt the same too. As if we were communicating as one person's inner conflict. Discipline versus temptation. Principle versus efficiency. My angel versus my devil. Heads versus tails. Difference was, it's Blink versus Xyren now. And a kind reminder, we were in a cemetery. I knew, stop repeating. The same silhouettes continued to stare at us like we were a quarreling couple in a drama. That made us realise that all that conversation/ our monologue happened a lot faster than our talking pace. The shiver shock was still apparent within the spine, rendering goosebumps to almost every existing hair of my/his body. The exaggerating vibration was so unbearable that my reflex pointlessly sent our hand to stop the vibration like how you cover a fresh wound. My eyes turned to look at my hand, mine but not authoritatively mine. The unexpected change of view felt 'Cloverfield'-ish.

What the fuck? Much to our horror, 'something' (similar to those festering on Hind's legs) was twisting and tickling and shaking my spine like an emo kid gone bonkers/it was the cause of the shiver. The grotesque was hideous beyond my imagination.

And you actually saw it before?

His question was answered by my memory before fleeing from St Jermane. Somehow, it resembled the sheer ugliness and the lack of form although it didn't look necessarily the same. The missing body parts, or the only existing body parts of the 'something' consisted of three hands, a longer one, one that looked like a human's and one that looked like half a hand. It shared the same faded grey with semi transparency. Adding detail to its atrocity, the three arms seemed to be joined to an asymmetrical face whose face features almost proportionate with the length of the arms. We could see its brain exposed at its forehead and the sight intensified the nerve-numbing sensation. Our hand began to wave frantically at where the 'something' was to shove it away although we didn't exactly know if that action would do any good.

Surprisingly it did.

Really? The situation we were in now wasn't very convincing. For a tiny speck of moment my spine felt normal but your uncertainty seemed to have revived the unholy creature. Then, a second wave of shiver, this one a whole lot more amplified, hit us as if it intended to peel off all the hair from the body. Variations of the 'something's solidified in thin air from trails of black ashes converging from every direction to form the body parts. A pile of apparitions (lets call it apparitions instead of 'something's from now) were cutting each other's queue to 'play' with my/our spinal cord.

ArEReREerRerreREeReRErgEEeH!!!

I/We wanted to scream but choked momentarily and no sound came out and I imagined those apparitions summoned two hands to choke us to death. I would like to think, though, that both of us issued different commands that confused this body instead of apparitions trying to suffocate us. Impressed by Blinkie's optimistic deduction at such a dangerous timing, I will try to put away all my negativity and help juice out some ideas to free ourselves from this mess. Still, my/our head jerked to the front violently from the attack and I had to move a few steps to the front to accommodate our balance.

Thanks, but did you just called me Blinkey?

And I let my mind get distracted by that embarrassing inquiry although I knew now wasn't exactly the appropriate time. Answering him,

Ever since I'd actually starting to feel something for you.

That's... so weird of you.
Don't you dare call me weird!

Much to our delight that distracting conversation/ monologue lessened the tingling annoying sensation. Another unsolved confusion about the silhouettes that were sitting or moving around observing us suddenly popped. Most of the apparitions broke into fragments and scattered around, diverging to every direction and gathered or disappeared in random spots. The shiver hadn't been completely gone but it felt comfortable enough for me/us to unknowningly stare at the immobile silhouettes I/we saw before. The facial features was a blur at first but every feature seemed to fall onto place the longer I/ we concentrated. The abnormality slowly constructed itself from the scattered fragments from the fragments of the apparition to look more and more normal, and now a middle-aged man stood before my/our eyes. As neither of us were familiar with such sightings, a simple gesture like a smile from that phantom erected every hair in my/our body again what the fuck.

I wanted to look away so I turned around to confirm if my deductions were correct.

Again, the apparitions re-formed the same way to possibly do the same thing to us but we kinda felt prepared for it by forcing ourselves to talk to each other intimately/reenacting lovey dovey sweet talks!

and what the fuck do you mean by 'forcing'!? was talking to me that fricking hard?
Explain blinkey? I do love talking to you. It's just that you always want me to say something smart.
Because I think you're really cute and you deserve a '-ie' behind your original name. and what the fuck- 'i do love talking to you' is nowhere smart.
Why are you replying before I could compose anything from my mind? 'Blinkey' kinda annoys me.
What do you mean annoying?! It's not!
It is, to me! To think that you NEVER actually called me that be- (interrupted by another thought)

An inconvenient truth: I realised we were communicating with each other's unfiltered thoughts too spontaneously. A human brain takes some time to receive input signals coming from random sensing sources and takes some time (the period usually differs for each individual) to interpret them to produce reactions. And now, we were as if listening and talking to each other's processing language - I wasn't even sure it was even English. It could be a customised language for a specific word that you were most familiar with or a picture that pops to the mind. In any case, a picture would be the most instantaneous. A mind then decides which reaction would deem the most appropriate by the norms and then present a reaction. As for now, anything that came to mind will be heard exactly even before any physical reaction is given - because of the 'possession'.

Somehow I understood what Blinkie meant - I'm not sure if I could if I wasn't sharing his mind - and it soothed my mind which was in a boggling mess.Quickly I was reminded about the apparitions which were supposed to be responsible for sending shivers down our spine.

Why you!~

Oops.

The 'oops' was so casual that it unknowingly distracted my mind from feeling fear. Or maybe it was that smart ass observation that Blinkie made that I wanted to hear which kind of charmed me to the extend I temporarily forgotten that I was starring in a horror film. Did i just not see those apparitions when we were pre-occupied with our own world of thoughts?

Not to mention that our spine was relaxed since what-the-fuck-did-you-mean-by-forcing.
You thinking what I am thinking?
The guilt of the five murders..
and that I forgot about it and no longer see them right after realising that my cause was righteous..
Am I actually reliving in your memory?

It was as if I was recalling the scene. As it was still fresh in her, or our, mind, the details and sensation were so unbelievably... myself, if it was the word for it.I wondered if I could dig into a random stored memory of Xyren's.

Hey! No peeking!
Wow, a few more seconds of distraction from the shiver!
Huh?

Another shiver.

I would like to think that this one was lesser in magnitude. I would like to think that Blinkie is the most optimistic boyfriend in the world. And that we were pretty moronic for standing and flirting in a cemetery. And cool too. Because I was getting more and more used to it? The form of the apparitions correspond to our feelings?

Uhm. Ya. Smart. Sarcastically impressed. Let's run away?

Impulsively I commanded the right leg to make the first step while I used the left to do the same and fell like an oversized toddler that tried to run before knowing how to walk properly. The bruises I've gathered moments ago from Whart was excruciatingly painful as I/we landed on the ground in contact with them.

The pain couldn't be so real. Your voice couldn't be so clear.
This really wasn't a dream.

HELP

2009-11-05T23:29:00.003+08:00

how do you convert something from .rtf to here with all the formatting?

fragments, scatter # 2 : death isn't enough to separate us

2009-10-27T17:15:00.007+08:00

The wheel of fate is turning.

A few droplet of tears met a piece of paper that spells the name Klanfal Oademe. The liquid ate its way throughout the paper within Rag's hand like condensed hydrochloric acid. But it didn't do any harm to the wretched fingers that belonged to the Grim. Several seconds ago, the very same Klanfal Oademe that the paper meant was waiting on his motorcycle for the traffic light in front of his office to turn green. An efficient employee himself, he was always punctual. Sadly, the truck driver from the left junction didnt share his punctuality. Trying to keep his job, the trucker made a high speed corner to save himself some two minutes because he was already five minutes late. However, his vehicle went out of ccntrol. The container dislocated and rammed through poor Klanfal Oademe's head. His helmet wasn't enough to save his fragile life even for a few seconds after impact. When the Grim decided to kill Klanfal Oademe The Grim never knew who he was, how did he look like, how old was he when he perished, or how he perished. Like every other Grim, Rag just randomly chose this name, or any name, not according to how many sins or deeds he/she did, nor showing any signs of remorse or compassion. The wretched fingers would then fill its emptiness with another paper with another name;this time, a Saedem Aerok, forgetting the murder of Klanfal Oademe he committed just a few five seconds ago. Those same emotionless tears. It vanished the same way. As a result, a 46 year-old man surrendered his life to cancer. Modeas Aerok and Mrs Saedom Aerok who were in his dying bed wept after the doctor pronounced his death. Like a doctor, a Grim's job is to pronounce death. Unlike a doctor, a Grim never document the cause of death. A Grim may be an reincarnation of a previous deity, a human, an animal, a plant, another Grim, or nothing at all. Whichever he was, he has no recollection of his previous life nor any prophecy regarding his futuring life. He wouldn't just spare a Thereza-something because of the possiblity of another Mona Thereza. He wouldn't just save a Adulf-something because of the possiblity of another Adulf Hitta. Afterwards, a Thereza Polos was being erased. An angry client just clubbed a prostitute to death. Next a Edawe Ol Desfo. A beggar died of hunger. Next a Adeis Aloaped. Drowning suicide. Then a Poon Soow Sea. Electric chair, death sentence. And no, Rag never bothered to know how even though someone around them knew, be it punished, suicide, accident, or anything. Like a diligent operator, he worked like a machine, never hindered by the absolute monotony of wetting papers.

Then a Xyren Leverouqe. Rag gave this name a few seconds before deciding to cry on it. It was as if it was calling out for something. A distant memory perhaps? For the very first time, he felt curious although he wasn't supposed to. He was then quickly reminded by the 'punishment' if he lost his focus but an obscure sensation in himself made him wonder for a few more seconds again. He dismissed the interference but the interference relented, saving that paper for a few more seconds, and then it was gone. Before he realised it himself, the same few disintergrating tears escaped his eyes like captives from a prison. He never noticed whether the tears reached the paper but the previous mysterious urge resurfaced causing him to let go of that piece of paper. He wasn't sure if his tears came in contact with the paper. That little sheet danced its way back into the wheel of fate. He didn't cared to track it back though. Subsequently, the wretched fingers reached out to grab a Whart Dogdot, resuming his constant routine of eternity.

Little did the careless Rag knew that only one drop of the tears touched that piece of paper with Xyren Leverouqe's name on it. It vapourized a portion of it but it wasnt not enough to make the words unrecognizable. The semi-damaged and semi-viscous piece of paper then landed on another piece with the name of Blink Cryxalis. And merged with it. And disappeared into the billion pieces of papers with many other names on them that spiralled ceaselessly to look like the galaxy's most expensive confetti.

The wheel of fate kept turning.

***

A fucking dick. It felt alien but mine as I actually felt it being touched. This had to be a dream. Weirder than the one where I had hair that spanned to the length of my knees. Or the one everyone around me looked like me. Or the one I accidentally entered a beauty pageant for travesties. Oh wait I felt like one now. But it was never so.. surreal. I should be waking up anytime now right? I should be waking up. Wake up. Or maybe, the dream wasn't strange enough to signal goosebumps to my whole body that was gonna make me jump off the bed? Right? Right? Right?

What the fuck. For around ten seconds, i was too dumbfounded to move my hand away from my private part. Monero eyed me in disgust, probably infuriated by my indecent queer-like position. Knowing homophobic him, he must had thought I insulted his pride. His state of confusion hadn't left him though, and he was curious enough to talk to, erm, whom he assumed was Blinkie.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

He was loud but wasn't as loud as he was when he was searching for us. It took a few seconds to register in my mind that I should at least reply him to stop ourselves from staring at each other awkwardly. And I could test out my voice too.

"Enjoying my manhood."

I paid attention to myself as i said it. I actually sound like the-man-who-was-gonna marry-my-corpse, but the feeling of myself producing someone else's (although a boyfriend's) voice is extremely freaky. In hopes of provoking the stupid ex further, I grinned and imagined how retarded I/Blinkie would look because I never had cam-whored-with-grinning-poses with a different face before.

With the left arm shielding his waist and the right one clenched to form a fist, he charged wobbily towards me. His movement was much slower than before that I even had time to notice that Hind was still rolling on the floor and Whart was already shot dead probably during the random fires while struggling with Hind.

"Take this!"

That trademark one-shot punch again. Did he thought that I evaded the previous one out of pure luck? Underestimating people had been his negative trait. Inability to learn too. That hand on the wound had gave away more openings on the other parts of his body. Sorry Honey.

I barely dodged the attack and swiftly jabbed on his Adam's apple, nose, and then his stomach. It did hurt my cracked knuckle a little, but watching the big guy tumble to the floor was worth the pain. His fall was accompanied by profanities and gibberish that made me felt sorry for myself for not being able to hit him hard enough to silence him. But hey, I wasnt using my body. What the fuck. So I've beaten the last boss of this virtual game called dream. Do I get to wake up now?

Maybe Blinkie possessed my body in return and was hiding somewhere molesting it. He could've just asked right? That shy boy. But he's so unbelievably cute sometimes. Heeee. I looked around. There were men who were moaning and groaning like they lost their manhood (one did) and men who died happy cause they were satisfyingly silent for catching a glimpse at a dazzling-magnificent-elegant(not forgetting cute)-gorgeous lady's cleavage before breathing their last breath. I didn't see any prima-donna-super-model-beauty-queen that tried to act like a hero, nor any soul that might give me the slightest hint that it was Blinkie's.

Blink blink.

I just murdered a few people. Did Blinkie end up in one of their bodies or mine and then died? Not that I never killed before, but this was kind of.. scary. Guilt surged into me unconsciously, it had being ages since I had actually felt guilty.

Blink blink blink.

Simple logic, nothing was gonna change no matter how many times I blinked. No corpse was gonna spring back to life and tell me he was Blinkie and then we could start a gay relationship. But a little part of me thought that that would be very romantic. Subsequently that little part of me got me to examine the fallen men to ensure if my perception of romanticism was wrong. Something semi transparent that resembled dark clouds seemed to be coming out from all of the bodies that I had obliterated. Okay. They were gonna turn into horrifying ghosts and scare the living hell out of me and I could wake up and cry to my boyfriend about the weirdest (and coolest) nightmare.

Blink blink blink blink.

Similiar unknown entities hovered around Monero, as if they were helping him to regain his stance. The clouds from the dead formed shapes that looked like themselves. I could recognize the-pivot-head, the-castrated-man, the-useless-jerk, the-failed-gunman and the-professional-batter standing transparently on their own body. Hind was still spinning around, very much alive, screaming his lungs out to 'something's kneeling in front of him, licking (or eating) his wounded leg like vultures feasting on a carcass. The 'something's looked like perverted uncles who died to fatal car accidents or brutal samurai slashes or anti-alien laser beams because none of them had complete human body parts. They would push each other like aunties on a hard sale boutique store for food but none of them seemed to extract any mass from the leg.

What the fuck?

Blink blink blink blink BLINK.

I did NOT wake up. The five vengeful spirits were still admiring how good I look. Stupid ex was almost managing to complete his impossible feat of standing up. Vulture food was still screaming like a vampire bathing in sunlight. My guilty conscience multiplied. Fear manifested. So I ran. Down the stairs. Out from St. Jermane. Out from Rakelash Cliffs. Anywhere but there. Anywhere without them.

*****

My knee joints were in stinging pain, as if they were gonna dislocate from my thighs. I had being sprinting for five minutes. Lactic acid was threatening my legs to give it a stop. Oh great, now I'm stuck in the typical-running-from-ghost nightmare, and this was about time my legs would fail me and the ghosts would come so close to me and they would slash or hack or rape or bite or pinch or suffocate or flog me till I wake up. So I braved myself to turn around (as well as cursing Blinkie's untrained legs) to watch how creative my dream would annihilate me out of the dream-world. Odd enough, they were behind me and the distance between them and me was still the same, even when i stopped running. Regrettably, they looked ugly and so I closed my eyes and imagined Blinkie's face so that I could die with a good looking smile (in a dream).

Xyreennnnn!!!!

Wow. My imagination rocks. Hold on to meee!!!! Huh? I could imagine his voice as if I really heard him. I remembered that I was lying down with my hands clinging on to the love of my life, and then i was... unconscious? Was I sleepwalking? On such a time? Did I run like a coward?

What the fuck? Where are you? And why was I guilty anyway, I was saving my boyfriend's ass. I opened my eyes anyway, hoping to see Blinkie in my body which was somewhere around and then it occured to me that the external voice sounded just like him. He should sound like me with my body, right? Wait, was it even, external? It sounded like it was coming from within me. Inside. Nevertheless it boosted my courage to deal with those freaks although I might not have any idea how to do so.

What do you mean? Where are you? Was I hearing her talking to herself that she heard what was i saying in my mind? Why couldn't I see her around? Why am I gasping for breath?

I was hearing him, or should I use 'you' too. Let's see.. if I have still had control over this body.

"Where are you?"

I felt my mouth move but my brains or my reflex never issued any command to speak. Was I being mind controlled? I was pretty sure that I heard Xyren's voice just now, but it didn't seem to be coming from any direction. Did I miss her so much that I started to hallucinate her voice in my head? Or did she poss-#

That made perfect sense now. I just poss-#

#POSSESSED#

me?/him. I was unexplainably happy to hear that uninteresting voice though. As fast as the guilt vanished, the apparitions seemed to be dragged away, to the direction of the lighthouse. Haha. What a sweet dream. Now I could hear the exact thoughts of my man.

Grrr. What you mean by uninteresting? And there were ghosts chasing you? As weird as it seemed, this didn't felt like a dream at all.

Oh no.

Death isn't enough to separate us. You/I said that.

Oh no.

Watch what you said! You/I replied.

Our minds went blank for awhile, trying to dissolve what that had happened to me/us. A few seconds proceeded, I could hear this might be the best or worst dream of my life, what if this isn't a dream?, and what happened to the five stupids?; while I could hear did i just pulled her soul into my body?, Where is her body? What happened to her ex and the gang?

Then we saw silhouttes, scattered around in random spots, some stationary while some mobile, staring at us with the most curious eyes. (of course we can't really see their eyes as they are silhouttes. We judged by the way their faces turn towards me/us.)

You gave me the ability to see ghosts, didn't you?

What the fuck. I didn't know. I still thought this was a dream.

Well, good job for dreaming me into a cemetery.

fragments, scatter # 1: till death do us part

2009-10-18T21:12:00.006+08:00

The moon hung on the cloudless sky like a faceless portrait. It wasn't the brightest nor the roundest of moons that i'd seen before. The dim yellow glow seemed to amplify and deamplify in random frequencies; one moment it looked as if it was brighter than itself seconds ago; then the longer i fixated my eyes on it the brightness waned although it still look the same as before. It was as if my eyes weren't collabrating well with my memory. Enigmatic. But beautiful. And the latter adjective wasn't for the moon. Rather, the moment.

A warm exhale met my cheeks, overpowering the seductive spell the moon had casted on me in terms of temptation. I got lured to notice her examining me like i was examining the moon. Maybe she got bored of gazing the moon and wanted to look at something more interesting. Or maybe she intended to look at how pale i would become from reflecting the moonlight. And tease me about it. Seizing the opportunity, I pressed forward and rubbed my right cheek on her left like how a puppy would do to its mother. Ample friction, maximum tenderness. It made her giggle, struggle, and consequently she slapped me in the chest playfully.

"I hate it when you do that!"

A very insincere protest but a rather painful slap. Xyren is a fighter girl. Like a playable female character of the usual role playing games. Like every other normal girl, she embraces being beautiful, is quite good at it, and is proud of it. She would rather die than have even a slight bruise on her face which would make her feel unpretty. Ironically, unlike every other normal girl, she is, or was, constantly involved in violence that collected her body a significant amount of scars. Nevertheless the harsh environment and family background made her a femme fatale, enabling her face and herself to survive to this very moment now so that she could slap me. Which hurts. I know it wasn't intentional. But i enjoyed it.

"You know, I wouldn't even dare to be here alone. Or even with a group of guys. But I'm different, with you around that is."

One of us (me, actually) suddenly thought that love could conquer all and suggested that we climb to the top of St. Jermane for a moment to remember for the rest of our lives. St. Jermane is an abandoned lighthouse overlooking Rakelash Cliffs which was believed to be haunted though there were no confirmed sightings. Rumours have it that a priest mysteriously commited suicide there by jumping from the lighthouse and his body was nowhere to be found. The superstitous ones speculated that he was sent to sky while everyone else thought the lighthouse was too dangerous so another one was erected, replacing St. Jermane. Thus, the place is usually familiar with the absence of living souls.

"Ha. That's cause I can beat them. Literally. And you better be more than different to make me being around longer!"

Hearing that soothed me as i was doubting myself if bringing her here was right. She gave me the impression that she longed for danger. Or something adrenaline pumping. Doing this feat was still manageable, as for an average joe like me. Sometimes i wondered why she would let me pick. Her previous men were what magazines call real men. Those that can still look good with only underwear. On the other hand, I'm boney. Goody-two-shoes. But i possess face features that can put eighty-five percent of the entire population of girls to shame. Perhaps Xyren's feeling bisexual and but isn't bisexual enough to go for a girl.

"Oh yeah? Just watch. I'll turn longer into forever."

I frighten myself sometimes. We had only being together for two months. As much as it felt wrong to use 'forever', it felt right. I suspected that for a fact from her laughter. And then i knew that for a fact when she leaned on me, as if to reciprocate for the slap just now. Connecting my eyes with her most amazing eyes, she taunted,

"What? Till death do us apart? *giggles* No way!"
"Agreed. Death isn't enough to separate us."

I didn't care if it's too cheesy. I didn't care if there's a possibility that i would regret in the future. Those words seemed to lift up magic in the air. The moon which was our only witness seem to generate an imaginary spotlight on where we were. She stared at me unflinchingly, as if to digest what i just said from my eyes, cheeks, mouth and lips. I returned the favour, with ease.

"Watch what you've said!"

Xyren sounded as if she is trying to hold a laughter. I feel like unleashing it. For better effect, I snapped at her as soon as she finished her sentence, with something overrating monogamy.

"If you die, I'll marry your corpse."

That reply tasered her. For a few seconds her mouth made a hole and it has spasms. Then she realised how retarded she look and how she cannot contain the tickle in her. Her jaws weren't functional for the moment so she used her hand to do the hole covering job. Then she burst. Hysterically. It reminded me that i never use those words on anyone before.

"AHahahAHhahaahahahaHaah, you're funny, in a very fail way."

What I didn't realise was our faces are inching towards each other little by little. Our eyeballs seemed grow in size. We exchanged carbon dioxide from each other's breath as if we needed them to live. It felt like friday, the day before saturday and sunday. Or an appetizier to a sumptous meal. Our noses touch, and that acted as a trigger to close our eyes respectively. Our eyelashes entangled each other and never before entangled hair was so blissful. Our heads tilted to our rights, extremely slowly, embracing every minute action that was happening to ourselves. I wa so ready to feel the moisture of her lips....

Footsteps.

So what?

Plenty of them.

So what?

First kisses are more important. The ones after it too. I continued the my mini-conquest for euphoria. Maybe we had a peck or maybe we didn't. Her head retreated to a distance, her eyes opened and it didn't look like the dreamy alluring ones she had just now. Rather, they looked like they belonged to a cat at night. I was furious for a moment for not knowing discretely if we did kiss or not and why would there be people in such a deserted place. Then my frustration turned into fear as i suddenly recalled this place is supposed to be haunted.

"They're here for me, or us. My ex's gang." Okay, one less thing to worry about.

Her ears recognized the footsteps. They sounded like an uncoordinated march. It got louder and closer. The spiralling stairs was the only way up or down from where we were. Encountering them, whoever they are, was inevitable.

"Hide. I'll handle them."

I lost all my masculinity hearing that. Nevertheless it made perfect sense; she's familiar with fighting while i could only beat geeks with maths. However, the drastic change of feelings from deep indulgence to slight disappointment to paranoia rendered my face expressionless. So it did to my body. Xyren squinted her eyes and somehow came up with a remedy to my paralysis.

"You can kiss me all night later. Promise."

Ignoring my ego and trusting her prowess in melees, I took cover behind a ledge near the edge of the platform. She did the same at a different place, though. Several men appeared from the stairs.There were about six to seven of them. Some of them even wielded weapons. It was dark, but not dark enough for me to see a few pistols, a few steel bars, and the rest baseball bats. Did they followed us here? Or did one of them spot us here and informed the rest? It didsn't make any sense as we were here for hours. Or did they wait for a time where they would less likely to attract attention? Xyren was nowhere to be seen. It was as if she vanished. Would she bail out on me? I had to trust her. Anyhow, I could only trust her judging from the situation. I silently cursed myself for not picking up any arts of self defense. And prayed that a miracle like a sudden thunder storm would come and electrocute those weapon wielders. And Xyren's safety, most importantly.

"I know you two are out there. Save us some time and we might consider saving you from a few hits lesser."

That voice came from the biggest guy of the gang. He sounded like a police representative demanding a smaller group of terrorists to surrender. They don't usually work in the movies or in real life though. The threat was then followed by complete silence. I began to worry if the sound of my heartbeat's going to reveal my hiding location.

"I was being nice. Don't you test mah patience sweetiepie. COME OUT!!"

The ledge covering me shuddered. Did i just hear 'sweetiepie'? That six foot five big guy must be the ex she was talking about. I couldn't imagine how would someone like Xyren be called 'sweetiepie' from her behaviour and personality. If I were bigger than him I might run up to him and yell at him get over it but i shall and can only keep that as a fantasy. His, i presume, henchmen, started scanning around the area with flashlights.The top of the lighthouse was small. It wouldn't be long till I'm discovered. I felt guilty for suggesting such a date venue suddenly.

"You can do us a favour by showing yourselves now and maybe we'll spare you a feel blows. But if you are not gon--"

The gust of wind flew past as well as a gunshot seemingly pointed towards the air could be heard. Xyren emerged from the darkness she blended so well with and elbowed one of her previous gang mates on his cheek that broke half of the teeth he owned judging from the momentum. The victim wanted to scream but he was interrupted by a second blow landing on his head. The attacker then glided like a gymnast using the first victim's head like a pivot to plant a dropkick on a second victim. The tip of her high heels struck his groins. Somehow i felt evil and hoped that the impact crushed it because it sounded like it did. An eunuch-like scream escaped his mouth making him a her now for the rest of 'its' life. This one was only holding a baseball bat. Nevertheless the two of them fell flat to the floor. The one with the gun stayed motionless while the one without his balls rolled on floor crying away 'its' manhood. I began to wonder if the spirit of Lara Croft possessed my girlfriend. She disappeared into the darkness again.

The remaining five (I could finally spot the exact numbers of the hooligans) turned towards the direction of the noise. They pointed their lights hoping to find that pretty dangerous girl but thankfully they saw nothing but rusted metal platform with flimsy poles that looked like they weren't maintained for very long. One of them with a gun panicked and decided that he could get lucky by shooting into the darkness blindly. The others resumed their search for her and me. One of them with a metal bar walked towards where I was. He didn't see me, right? He couldn't have. I childishly wished I was really good at playing hide and seek. I stayed as motionless as i could but it didn't deter him from moving closer. I could hear his nervous panting but I think I'm the more nervous one. I wished I could do something about it but my negativity reminded me that I could be a burden to the professional if I thought I was smart. Desperately I wanted to call out "SAVE ME XYREN!" and watch another live action movie but that would reveal where i was and there are no re-takes in real life. Or maybe I could try the elbow trick that i saw just now? Yeah, maybe she could be proud of me too. Maybe.

As if he was anticipating someone coming from any direction where he was now, his footsteps lightened. His breathing gave his location away though. My heart was whispering 'give-up-looking-here-already' to his brain while my brain was trying to remember how artistic my girlfriend knocked down the gunner and imitated her position the best i could. When my heart realised it wasn't built for telepathy, it began to convince me to think that I was King Leonidas for a few seconds.

I sprung out of the metal-rod-holder's nothingness with my almighty elbow that missed his nose by two inches. (I was aiming for the cheek too) I couldn't control the inertia of the swing and it hit the dusty pole that was meant to prevent vertigo. The rusted pole cracked a little while my forearm felt numb because. I didn't miss hitting myself on the nerve. A loud "pang!" was apparent. My doom too. I assumed everyone knew where to look for me now. He laughed at my failed attempt to fight back and my sorry face. What were they gonna do to me?

Clag.Clag.Clag.Clag.Swift high heel footsteps. The two with guns heard it too and fired random shots at where they assumed the sound was coming from. Thankfully they had horrible accuracy. I assumed that though, from the temporary silence after a few blank shots.One 'clag' replaced the silence and then it was followed by two 'clangs'. Before anyone saw anything Xyren somersaulted her way to their top while being close enough to steal one of the pistols like an acrobat performing the baton passing stunt. Everyone else who were conscious widened their eyes trying to differentiate if the flying person was Xyren or Jackie Chan. Deep inside my heart, the world's smallest band was playing its cresendo to match the excitement from merely watching what just happened. An urge to cheer for her came and was gone as soon as i remembered there was a guy with a weapon in front of me. Like me, he was utterly shocked too as proven by not changing the same posture he had a few seconds ago. Taking that chance, I pushed him away not knowing what would that do to keep myself safe.

"Holy crap" One of the men exclaimed.

While airborne, Xyren managed to flip the pistol to face the targets. The remaining guy with the gun woke up to his senses and returned fire as if he was defending himself. Neither of them were avid sharpshooters and bullets flew in all the harmless directions. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. To my horror, the landing trajectory of that jump seemed to end at the pole I mistakenly damaged just now. She was gonna fall.

I shouldn't have tried to be smart.

Her heels tapped at the where i estimated it. The failing pole crumbled to her weight. However, her killing intend wasn't replaced by her will to survive. If I were her I would've let go of the gun and reach out for my hands which were trying to save her life. Instead, she continued firing. A few bullets greased through my hair and it stopped the gunfire coming from the other direction and orchestraed the screams of a few dying men. Finally she realised she promised to let me kiss all night later. Maybe I shouldn't have underestimated her agility because her left hand reached out for mine. I felt the grip although gravity was never forgiving. I realised her right hand was still holding on to the weapon and it sort of disappointed me. Either she was hiding it really well or she looked totally calm and that kind of scared me too.

"How very romantic.."

Shit. Should've worked out more and I could've pull Xyren up. Xyren wasn't heavy but my hands were weak. My hands felt like it was going to separate from my body but I believed in my happy ending. Suddenly I thought of myself declaring death isn't enough to separate us moments ago and now this was so going to be so my fault. The crack on the pole. We were so gonna kiss. The way she taunted me. My crude jokes followed by her laughter. The bicycle ride together. Cheating in exams with a stranger. The way she convinced me to go somewhere she desired. Her 'this is the first time i...' to me. My pathetic inability to carry her up..... and finally the optimistic strength of every bit of my body and soul... to ensure my own happiness.

Little did i notice somebody's shadow, and then above that shadow was the shadow of a metal rod. Her reacting right hand made me realise that fact. My anger of her recklessness that i assumed faded. I chose to ignore the possible pain and focused on lifting her.. I didn't care if i misplaced her and she might miss the shot.

I cannot lose you...

Click. Click click click.

Out of ammo?

A roaring thud on my back. The pain was intense. But it must be bearable. I anticipated a few more coming. Or maybe a lot more. I mentally disciplined myself to hold her tighter upon receiving every hit. Tears began to drip uncontrollably that got me to hate myself more to suspect the fact that I was a man who couldn't tolerate physical pain. I won't give up on you, Xyren. It will be worthwhile. It will be worthwhile. It will be.....

"Blinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkk!"

Along came a blow that sent stars and fog to my vision. Xyr- Everything blacked out.

*****

"You fucking bastard!"

The leader of the gang, Monero held Whart, the metal rod wielder by his collar so close to himself he could smell his halitosis breath. Whart was always the troublemaker, the coward, the one who talked the loudest only when he knew he was on the winning side. He was sadistic, and always dreamt of being the alpha although he was never being very competent at even the easiest of jobs. Originally Monero had him in the pack just so if shit happens he would be the scapegoat. And originally Monero just wanted to mutilate Blink so Xyren would realise how powerless and useless Blink was around her. He had wanted Xyren back himself. Ironically, his stupidity never thought that bringing people with weapons like guns would result in what that had happened now.

Whart was the shadow over Blink. He was the one who said How very romantic. And the one barraging the helpless guy with a weapon that he was never good at using. Not that he was good at anything anyway. The short-lived feeling of sadistic truimph had been forgotten when his eyes met Monero's. He wanted to flee but fear had sprouted him to the where he was. He wanted to say that he was sorry but he knew it takes more than sorry to rectifiy what he just did. One moment he was laughing hysterically. Now he was crying, even before any pain was inflicted on him.

"You saw that bitch.. She was crazy."
"And so you hit the guy?"
"I. I-"

Before he realised it he was eating up his own words. Another member of the gang, Hind, the third and last survivor from the sky dive bullet shower spoke and it seemed to distract Monero from killing Whart a few minutes earlier. A bullet lodged into his right feet. He somehow felt lucky to be alive although he felt stupid for following someone like Monero just because he was his childhood friend.

"What are you going to do about that pretty boy?"

He was mending himself with the first aid knowledge he got from high school. Monero had always respected Hind and considered him as if he was a brother. But the big guy was fuming mad at the 'scapegoat' he almost ignored his 'brother'. Luckily, for Whart, he didn't. It was a long silence until he muttered,

"Dispose of his body."
"Dead or alive?"

Gathering the remaining bit of energy, Hind got up and limped towards the now unconscious Blink. Monero hadn't answered. He pointed his gun at that pretty head, waiting for an answer from the leader. Monero was never this indecisive, he thought to himself.

*****

I lovee yewwwwwwwww!!

What the fuck? Did I just declared 'I-love-you' instead of 'save-my-life' when I knew I was going to die? Must've been watching too many movies. Wait. Did I just, fall? I didn't remember falling. Was this heaven? If it was then the ground i was on now sure felt like the floor we were leaning on just now. He pulled me up right? I remembered myself being sucked up by a force. But I remembered our fingers disconnected so did every nerve connected to my brain. I remembered yelling out his name with the maximum capability of my lungs. But the i-love-you I wanted to say so much didn't make it. I seemed to lose control and sensation of my throat, my mouth and my lungs. Did I scared myself to death?

Yeah that must had be a dream. My stupid ex came up to carry out the promise I didn't let him make. Then I singled handedly fought them off but died a heroine. I even somersaulted and fire rounds mid-air. Blinkie must've being so proud of me if he happened to see that. Heehee. Maybe I could show him that someday in real life. Oh wait. Did i just fall asleep in his arms? Not my fault okay. Blame his cushion-like arms. He must've being really mad at me now if I really did doze off. We even promised to kiss. Did we? Or was in or out of the dream? When did I start dozing off?

Wait. If i were asleep, why was i here lying on the floor, face down but not on his shoulder?
Yeah, I was gonna wake up anytime soon. It felt like worse hangover I had ever had. I didn't remember any recent alcohol intakes. My back and head ached like it had multiple blunt traumas. Suddenly I remembered, in that dream, Blinkie was holding on to a falling me so tightly while enduring beatings from that useless jerk Whart. I saw his perserverance and that suck-it-up expression and, for the first time in my life, was touched by man to the extend i shed tears. In a dream. Oh, my cheeks were wet. Did I just cried in the dream? Maybe that was why he left me at the floor.

"*blur*pose of is bod*blur*"

What the fuck? That voice bore an uncanny resemblance with my stupid ex's. Was Blinkie trying to imitate it? He sure did a good job. Wait. I never even told him that moron's name! Nevertheless this incident recovered my sense of hearing.

"dead or alive?"

Hind? Okay. This wasn't a dream. Maybe I was unconscious for awhile. Suddenly I worried about Blinkie's safety and hoped I wasn't unconscious for too long. Guiltiness surged into me but it was immediately replaced by adrenaline when I felt a recently fired Glock pointed at my head. A few strands of hair seared to the heat residue of the gun. I didn't remember having such short hair.

Hind was never this careless, I thought to myself. He knew the disarming trick my hand could do, right? Judging from the direction of barrel, the Glock must be right above my wrist. Seizing the precious opportunity, I wrestled the gun out of his hand into mine.

What the fuck? My motions were less fluid. Maybe Hind was being cautious all the while. Or that I got clumsier. I could do it faster three months ago.

"Fuck!"

Another few rounds were fired randomly due to a struggling Hind. What the fuck? I could out-wrestle him three months ago, too. And now he had the chance of overpowering me. Did I mellowed down ever since I was with Blinkie? Maybe that was the price i had to pay. Was it worthwhile?

Eh. I remembered I just somersaulted moments ago. I didn't believe that my fighting skills were rusted. Did I bruised his manly ego back in the days that he decided to work out more for today? Oh. I just somersaulted and shot him in the leg moments ago. Lucky bastard who survived. Not anymore.

"They should teach you a lesson that revenge is never sweet-"

In some ways I respected this man. But it takes more than respect for me to take such a dishonorable advantage - blame survival instinct. I stomped at his wound with my Jimmy Choos and hoped the pain would incapacitate him enough to move on the next threat.

The attacking sensation was strange - I felt the pressure of my whole feet instead of the supposed pressure only on my heels - and realised I was wearing Nike Air that didn't belong to me. It looked very familiar though. Blinkie's?

Unable to bear the pain, Hind collapsed to the floor and tried his best not to scream but failed. A running stupid ex subsituted for his fallen comrade's position and attempted to land a punch on my face. It was his trademark one-shot-punch or so he called it, I knew exactly how to avoid it but my reflexes seemed slower. Blaming Blinkie again. It didn't critically hit me but the sheer force of the punch and the shockwave made me fell flat to the floor. I was alive enough to feel happy about breaking up with this stupid. At least, if you wanted to kill me, do it in other ways but please don't disfigure my face. Although Moreno was stupid in many ways, he was the best guy I had ever met in bed. I could never find another bull to ride me like that. Not a chance with Blinkie. But that bull came with a catch, his left waist was his forbidden zone. He said it would hurt even upon contact and that he always had to sleep with the right side of his body on the bottom. Never thought that kind of information would come in handy. Half laying on floor, I ran a fist onto his weakness. I was in disbelief when I thought I heard my knuckle crack. Due to the spot on impact, he submitted momentarily but was still strong enough to stand up.

"That bitch told you that?"

Huh? Was 'bitch' addressing himself? I lifted myself up. I realised I was panting. It was been awhile since I've actually ran out of breath like that. Wait a minute. Something was missing. I was fairly sure that what I did just now WASN'T enough to tire me. Moreover, even if i pant, why did my chest felt, lighter? Did my boobs suddenly fall off? Out of nowhere an unlikely hypothesis occured to me. No way this was happening. Doubting how impossible my hypothesis was, my left hand reached to feel what that was in between my legs.

The Nike Air instead of the Jimmy Choos. The cracking of the knuckle. Moreno's "that bitch told you that". Hind's something-something-about-revenge. The panting. The pressumed rust of skills. The pain in the head and back.

A dick.

fragments, scatter # 0

2009-10-06T20:23:00.006+08:00

hmm.

you've witnessed the fragments of my memory, now behold, the fragments of my imagination.

haha.

yes i knew it is very amateur-ish. i can spot grammar mistakes every now and then. my range of vocab is very very limited. my knowledge regarding the topics i wanted to talk about is limited too. Sigh. I optimistically hope readers enjoy it enough to critic, if there is even any. And also if any of you understood what i was writing.

my real life has gotten slightly busier in terms of work. And i think i need to read more to write properly. unlike now =(

also, I wonder if i could commit to fragments, scatter. Any tips, frequent novel readers?

and erm. I'm not Blink. Siren is not Xyren.

fragments, gather

2009-10-04T23:12:00.002+08:00

feather fragments # 27: don't keep promises you can't make

2009-09-24T10:38:00.012+08:00

Those words just blurted out. Even though i considered how uneasy she would react to it. Selfishly i didn't care. Because at that moment i wanted to show how much i cared although i knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

'very hard for me to tell you.'

She sounded as if she was sleeping and my phone call was the one responsible for waking her up that day. Her talking speed was slower than usual. Nonetheless it challenged me to feel nervous. I knew what i heard but i didnt quite understand it.

'what does that mean? like or don't like only wert.'

I never thought i would become so pressuring. An immediate moment of guilt rushed in but it was gone as soon as it came. Our conversation suddenly turned awkward within ten seconds from the start of the call. Taking some time to think to herself, she said blurly, but clear enough for my concentrated ear to pick up.

'don't.. really... know.. how to tell you.'

Why this reply? That pictures will lead or mislead people to think that they are more than friends. My mind became deductive due to the brainstorming-warm-up i'd gotten all night:

a) It is just a picture.
b) Maybe she hadn't decide if she likes him, but still considering.
c) Maybe she already did, and he hadn't proposed so she didn't dare to declare that they were officially an item.
d) She didn't want to tell me.

I thought of the picture that we've taken together although it didnt come as close as the pictures that don't have anyone tagged. I remembered that she told me about boys pursuing her and how easily and firmly she would say no to them but not to this one. I remembered that she wouldn't jump to conclusions hastily so she would take some time considering. Ironically i thought of her being an adoration junkie although im not supposed to.

I snapped out of my own world of thoughts after a few seconds. The next time i said, as impulsive as i was, was the summary of what happened to me the night before. Of what that kept me rolling on the bed till sunrise. Of what that sent me into a violent whirlpool that never reached the bottom.

'i know im not supposed to tell you this, but im jealous.'

Forgive me. I couldn't help it although i knew im no position to tell her that. Or just let me and forget about me begging for forgiveness. Credit me instead for being so honest and direct.

'really.. dont know how to tell you.'

dont really know how to tell me or dont really know how to tell someone like me? I knew she was aware of my intentions. Or maybe she wasn't. Or maybe there was still a slight amount of hope on me but that was merely predicted by my desire. Or less maybe but more definitely, no considerations about me were made due to herself being busy considering the other one. Maybe i should give her some space to sort out her thoughts. Well, not maybe. I should.

*

It was my friend's birthday. I remembered it but i didn't wish him. I didn't feel like typing the word 'happy' at that time. Happy belated birthday, Recharge.

********

I couldn't sleep for the next two days. To redundant thoughts of Siren. Jealousy works better than caffeine. Or horror movies.

*************** please kindly skip to the non-purple part. these are just posted as evidence for being imsomniac. They are repetitive and boring if you are not me.**********

what does don't-know-how-to-tell-you means?
*
She never made any attempts of talking to me. Well, almost never. (ff#21-24)
*
I'm the first person she would ever got close to in the shortest period of time. (ff#17)
*
He's the guy she mentioned during ff#14? (ff#14)
*
What happened to the guy who gave her the chain? (not included in any ff-s, happening during ff#23) Did she return him?
*
Is the guy who was all over her in the KTV session him? (not included in any ff-s, before ff#26)
*
She doesn't let me in her room. (ff#18)
*
Nor staying with her. (ff#24)
*
She asked me to compare herself with Akasha though. (ff#14)
*
She never replied that facebook message. (ff#23)
*
She sometimes askED me if i miss her when i call her (ff#24~ff#2?)

*
I'm not sincere enough? (ff#20)
*
Am i missing out something on that day? (ff#20)
*
Besides getting her phone number. (ff#21)
*
She said she had this distrust on foreigners due to her so-called 'temptations'. (ff#5, ff#16)
*
but ff#26 begs to differ.
*
What if i waited outside her house during ff#19?
*
What if i didnt chicken out during ff#17?
*
What if she didnt prolong our meeting period? (ff#8)
*
I should be happy with what happened. and that delay of flight. if not there wouldn't be ff#16-ff#20. or any feather fragments at all.
*
what happened to the pendrive and highest hope now? (ff#16)
*
i so should sleep.
*
does she remember ff#17?
*
Can i still carry out epic? (ff#25). seems very imappropriate.
*
It might be effective. But its too impractical. Takes too long and it might hurt her.
*
What if i didnt meet her at all? (ff#1)
*
Does she hate me for passing the flu to her? (ff#2)
*
I've gotten the best prize ever from learning how to growl/rap. (ff#3) because without that there wouldn't be ff#4.
*
she asked a total stranger like me if i was single or not. (ff#1)
*
Statement about secret is no longer valid (ff#16)
*
what if i stayed and showed what my throat can do during ff#18?
*
or rather, just mingle with them. (ff#18, again)
*
I really should sleep. I didn't sleep last night.
*
She happy?
*
All her comments on the facebook pictures implied so.
*
She is happy. Her friends are happy for her too.
*
She said when SourceofEpic wanted her back he had a girlfriend already in two weeks time and she was really heartbroken about it. (ff#14)
*
I only wore that boxed shirt once. (ff#14)
*
When the first angel possessed me, she told me Hong Kong guys are creepy because there's one person who tried to do that to her too. And she had to run. But only to his car because he drove her. And she didn't run away from me. (ff#17)
*
My first time (ff#17)
*
There's only 26 ff-s. Too little for anything to happen.
*
ff#17 could mean nothing to her.
*
what if i noticed and answered that she wasnt on make-up during ff#20?
*
Her parents remember me? (ff#10)
*
What about her sister? (ff#18)
*
No. No.
*
Please remember me.
*
and my birthday.
*
Maybe she won't.
*
i hate crabs. (ff#26) like how i hate alcohol.
*
and gooses. (ff#26) like how i hate christmas eve.
*
I would love to sleep.
*
Should i still go visit? (ff#20-24)
*
she didn't find out a specific date for me to go visit her. (ff#24)
*
Graduate and go back together? (ff#24)
*
Don't think she remember saying that.
*
Together.. (ff#24)
*
rather, with him. (ff#26)
*
Age? (ff#5)
*
Yes. (ff#14)
*
Security. (ff#16)
*
Ice cream.. (ff#19)
*
Nah probably she didnt want to go redbox alone with me was because our genres of songs are way too different. It's like she's heaven and i'm hell. (ff#17)
*
我准备就现在　乘着流星　抛开崩坏的过去 (ff#15)
*
骄傲的人类 (灭), supposed to be 毁 (ff#17)
*
took me two weeks to catch up that part. (ff#20)
*
did she threw them away? those keychains.. (ff#20)
*
Oh i should be sleeping.
*
Her laughter. (ff#1,2,3,7,9,10,11,13,14,15,16,17,18,20,24)
*
So little.
*
Her emotional side. (ff#16)
*
Her sleepy face. (ff#17)
*
Her compliments. (ff#1,3,4,5,6,14,16,17,20)
*
Her lousiness in playing chor dai di. (ff#7)
*
And that cute expression when she thought she was gonna win. (ff#7)
*
All that will be drowned out and forgotten. (after all ff-s)
*
by her.
*
and by me hopefully.
*
really.
*
as soon as possible.
*
as soon as possible.
*
etc.
****************ok i will not put anymore. it's annoying enough already i know**************

Don't worry, even though i couldn't sleep, my diet was still normal. Nevertheless i looked as if my spirit had left me. I went to work carrying the same look, too ignorant to bother what people would think of me. Thankfully there was work, something to distract me from those imsomnia causing thoughts. Never before i was so workaholic; never again either. My bloodshot eyes glued themselves to the computer unflinchingly and it was one of the very rare times i didnt require coffee to keep myself awake to do work even though the consecutive days of not sleeping. (fri, sat, sun)

A kindred soul, or a colleague, noticed my irregularities. She gave me a sneak peek of how she handles such issues and that made me realise how strong she was and relatively, how weak i am. Somehow i felt ashamed for overreacting. For being troubled when i wasn't supposed to. As she couldn't stand seeing the zombie i was, she gave me an advice that brought senses to my corpse. It was just something that anyone could say but the impact was critical.

You can move on in one day or one week or one year or never. But provided with how she is treating you now she wouldn't give a damn. Life is too short to fully enjoy it so enjoy it while you still can. Everyone deserves better.

I saw that coming though i never saw how i would feel upon seeing that. Those words seemed so righteous. Or was it the way she executed it. Or was it the lucky one that got into me after the plenty advices i got from other friends. I didn't know. I knew i had to leave Siren in peace. All odds were against me.

If this was a battle that dying is inevitable, the least i can do is die standing.

So i decided to make that call. To declare that i'm disappearing from trying to get into her life.

*************

'I've decided to give up on visiting you in Melbourne.'

Those words left my mouth stern, loud, clear and very unwillingly. I sure hoped she didn't need me to repeat saying it because it was too contradicting to what I've said to her before this phone call, what I've told people, and what i've wanted to say. Probably surprised by such an initiation of a conversation, she took some time to digest what she heard.

"haa??"
"I think you know what i mean."

She knew. Moreover, she seemed to be relieved upon hearing what i said. I didn't know this for a fact, i merely guessed it from her reaction, which was laughter. As much as i like to hear her laugh, it was upsetting to hear it for such a moment. After she regained her composure, she reassured me of my suspicions of herself being relieved.

"wo he ni ye si mei she me la." (me and you, nothing)

Siren's actually correct. We never promised each other anything. I realised i was keeping a promise i silently made to myself but not to her. Not that i could make it anyway. I no longer have the thinking that action speaks louder than words.

"aiya, we also didn't know each other for very long.. and we went out to eat and sing K for a few times only."

An instant of all the feather fragments flowed into my mind. Yes, it was all pleasant, but it wasn't enough to lead to anything. Perhaps it wasn't never meant to lead to anything. All elements of romanticism were just from my perspective only. It takes two to tango.

"besides, you are too young for me."

I remember. I wanted to defy her principles. By being the exceptional example. But now all the silent vows i made to myself would remain in silence. Nevertheless i appreciate her being so direct. Really.

"So would you tell me who the guy is now?"
"Some guy from my music school. A pianist. How tall are you? Around 180cm right? Almost as tall as you. Known him for more than three years. One year older than us."

Oh. I was this arrogant peacock that have yet to meet a phoenix. Just when i thought i should be proud of those magnificently iridescent feathers of mine, the phoenix prevailed its superiority of feathers by leaving a longer trail of more colorful and sparkling fragments, putting me to shame for thinking so highly of myself before. Or maybe he was just an average peacock while i was only an average pigeon, unrecognized among the many pigeons who approached her.

"He's quite good looking."
"YA MIEH? ok ok only la. Not as good looking as you think la."

Well, i wasn't sure how good looking Siren thought he was, but she seemed to be very concerned and excited when this topic was brought up, and this confirmed who the peacock is and who the pigeon is.

"So would you answer me now if i ask you if you like him?"
"At this moment.. i don't really know how to tell you yet. Getting there i guess.."

Hmmm. Yeah. Good answer. Logic was the right one all the while.

"I didn't sleep the last few days.."
"Haha, your joking, right? I don't believe you."

Right. What was the difference even if Siren believed me? Wouldn't change the fact that i didn't sleep. Neither would it change the fact that she didn't bother.

"Fine if you don't believe me."
"Hmmm... keke.. we also didn't have the advantages of time and space.. Relationships aren't that simple. You have never experienced one so maybe its hard for you to understand. Timing plays an important factor. When we met i was just holiday-ing in Penang. You knew i was going back to Australia."
"Haha... i'm like a kid who have never tasted candy."

It implied that i would cry like one when i thought i almost had a taste and then i didn't.

"You're still small la. You'll understand better once you are in a relationship. When i go out with a particular person and when both parties are single and available, considerations about the other party come to mind. Further considerations and meetings will be made if the person has positive or suitable traits." (translation errors, i doubt the meaning stayed the same but i tried my best to maintain the same meaning.)

I needed a saving grace. I wasn't rational.

"Ever considered me?"

Siren's statement before my question indirectly answered my question. Or maybe she didnt mean to and i was just thinking too much. Maybe she already knew i was. It took her a few long seconds to reply me. Perhaps she was trying to keep the damage at minimum.

"bu yao hui da ni, bu yao ge ni wu si luan xiang" (not answering you. Don't want you to think too much)

It didn't stop me from thinking too much. As a matter of a fact, whatever she answered wouldn't stop me from thinking too much. It would be too mean for her to say she never considered me. On the other hand, she might be afraid to give me false hope if she said she did. Furthermore, even if she did, she wouldn't change herself for someone as insignificant as me. To be honest but bias, it felt like she did consider. The way she said it. The way i saw it. Let me know it as the way i wanted it to be. Nonetheless, it did stop me from inquiring further.

We moved on to discuss about our perspectives towards relationships. Our conversation was abruptly ceased when my parents summoned me for dinner.

I could finally sleep that night.

*************************

Siren's facebook relationship status changed during May the 16th. *EDIT*

feather fragments # 26: Scorpio

2009-09-12T17:12:00.016+08:00

My eyes were struggling to keep themselves open. It was dawn. I was utterly fatigued by the long hours of dota throughout the night. But i knew i had something to do before i sleep. Before going out, she told me that she was deciding which pictures to upload to her facebook. Pictures of her previous recent road trip. Pictures that i wanted to see. On a future perspective, pictures that i thought i want to see.

I readied my eyes on the LCD screen, hoping to claim the reward that was gonna energize my lifeless body. The picture that was used to represent the photo album was a man having his arm over Siren's shoulder. A very good looking man. Celebrity grade. It wasn't the most outstanding picture, i wasn't sure if i was bothered by it because i felt like i wasn't. Yet. And all that was just because of my fantasy about not restricting her social circle if i had the power to. Note, a fantasy.

Proceeded to check the photos one by one. I imagined the excessive amount of pictures she taken and filtered carefully to be shown to the public. I imagined how she would differently pose and force the photographers to delete the awkward shots of herself. I imagined how she would rejoice and clap and laugh and then my imagination was broken by the close-up shot of that same handsome man. Due to the distance, his features are all made obvious. Pretty, but manly too. Have a charm of his own. Would live happily ever after if i were to turn gay and live with him. However, I was so tired back at that moment that i ignored my paranoia of him being an avid competitor.

The next pictures were more eye-catching - they were taken on a travelling boat. The wind casted upon her face flung her hair as if it has a life of its own and the surronding unified ocean blue portrayed her sharp features so fine that i temporarily forgotten that i was sleepy. Especially the one where her body was slanting outwards the boat and she was only holding on to the steel bars.

I kept scrolling, eager to see another Siren that could replace the impression that previous picture had left me. And so i saw that picture that dont have anybody tagged. I never saw her look any happier than that. It seemed to channel an indescribable radiation of comfort. She seemed to try her best to look her best at the camera and it was all done very naturally. Her whole body was leaning on him as if he was her pillow; both his arms were wrapped around her as if she was his bolster.

My eyes widened. I forgot that it was 5am in the morning. I forgot that i went dota just now. I forgot that i was walking like a zombie to my room and was so ready to sleep. I didn't believe what i saw, for the sole reason i didn't wanted to. Impulsively i hit the 'next picture' cursor. A picture with a similar posture of the couple materialised. And so i continued to do it again and it somehow felt safe to look at the pictures of herself without him but for the shortest measurement of time. I covered my eyes and rubbed them, wishing it was all but a bad dream and that i would wake up any time soon. But it wasn't.

I opened them again and gathered a private amount of courage to revert to the pictures that dont have anybody tagged. Seeing is believing. I confirmed that my eyes werent playing tricks on me, my mind was. My eyes began to show signs of acceptance but my mind was still a retard, and this had contributed to myself to have an increased heartbeat rate. It was so silent that sound of the hum coming from the computer and the thud-thud coming from my heart were apparent. I thought i was too young to have heart complications but i wasn't sure anymore that i placed my hand over my chest to count my heart pace.

It felt normal for awhile. Then it felt as if it wanted to break free from the ribcage. But no, it was still, very normal, physically. And then it felt as if it was sliced and diced into shreds. But no, the fact that i was alive tells me that it was still in one piece. My stomach churned, i realised that i was awake for too long i was supposed to hungry. Or that i wasn't hungry at all. Repetitively i reminded myself of how normal i should feel. A little too late though, envy had manifested itself on me. The reminiscent. Seeping in unconsciously. Like a wound on top of another wound. And all that wasn't supposed to be painful. It never was....

****************( flashback)**************

The blaring music forced itself into my eardrums which never welcomed it. The air was filled with a mixture of the moisture of evaporated alcohol and cigarette residue. I was sandwiched between people, majorly strangers. They laughed and cheered and danced. They looked happy or they pretended to look happy. Each of them seemed to have interesting stories about themselves to tell but i never bothered to know due to them being strangers. The scacrity of free space somehow gave me a wee bit of claustrophobia. Comprehensible communications required shouting onto another person's ear that i gave up giving effort to talk. I felt like a Martian brought into Earth.

I was no longer a virgin to visiting clubs.

Her eyes werent swiveling around the area like mine's. She seemed to know what was supposed to be where because she's familiar with the place. Or maybe she wasn't curious enough. She trialed behind him. Because he was leading everyone else that wasn't a stranger to me. As easily lost as i am, i could only follow the crowd. Wasn't hard to do anyway.

I wanted to talked to her. Nothing effective came to mind. I blamed the harsh surroundings but it wasn't like i could say something that she would like to hear given a better environment. To look less like an alien, i moved my body at random motions trying to imitate what everyone else was doing - dance. It was my first time but it wasn't that awkward maybe because of the alcohol intake. And because of that too, i was less compelled to do as per thought. My eyes ignored everything else that didnt matter at that moment. Other random pretty faces. Even other random prettier faces.

Gracefully she danced. Maybe it wasnt graceful at all and i was just being biased. Nevertheless the way she moved seemed to make her look as if she belonged to the crowd. I closed in on her seeking leads to an invasion but her body language towards me was.. there wasn't any. Leads. At all. She then turned her back on me, probably to prevent me from studying her further. Trying to construct a conversation to inform her of my presence, i nudged her.

'zai zai?' (Steady?)

Gesturing the traditional good hand sign, i jolted my head nearer hoping she would give me an entertaining response. To my dismay, she never made any effort to turn around. Out of respect, her head angled itself to my line of sight and nodded with minimal attention. And fabricated a forceful smile that told me i'm better off saying nothing. For no reason i felt like biting off my tongue.

Perhaps it was the more popular music. Perhaps it was the boredom of staying in the same place for too long. Or perhaps it was the alcohol. We brought ourselves to the dancefloor. It was more packed but i kept her a safe distance away from myself. However, that distance wasn't safe enough to stop me from examining her.

She looked like she was enjoying it. Made noises that she usually wouldnt make under sober circumstances. Clapped and cheered when everyone else did so. Entertained the people who approached her to dance. Him particularly. I felt invisible.

He had his people to entertain too. Unintentionally temporarily he left her unguarded, susceptible to the danger of people by the likes of me. Cowardly i just stood there, reminding myself of all the signs being red. And saw another one of me, Shortstuff, making attempts of an invasion. It soured. To think that I'd being constantly and unsucessfully asking her out for the whole semester; and now, she was exchanging whispers with Shortstuff. Then he was all over her, then her hand reached out behind his head. I convinced myself to think that she was just balancing herself. Little did i know this was the effects of intoxication. As someone who never being to clubs, I wondered if this was norm or if this was supposed to happen. I wondered too, about what could i do if i was experienced in this. Because all i did and could do, within my capability, was, only, watch.

Zeroes to hero. Upon return, he protected her from Shortstuff. For a tiny speck of moment it felt relieving to see. Then it wasn't. Like a knight who have bested his nemesis, he claimed her himself. She willingly let him. They formed a tighter grip with each other. And it somehow became a romantic scene out of a movie where a couple dances and i was the only viewer who was concentrating on watching. After forever, we decided that we were tired enough to leave the dancefloor. I pretended that i didnt see that their hands knotted as we were walking away.

*

Outside the club. Waiting on the alcohol effect to wane. At one moment, she was beside me, leaning on the same wall. He stood opposite us, at my ten o'clock, a few feet away, leaning on a parked car. The wasted one made vows to herself that she kept breaking. A few of us tried our best to reply her. Boushbell was silent and only was silent beside me. In order to talk, she displaced herself to next to him.

The wasted one then made a joke that wasn't funny at all but it got Boushbell to laugh. She didnt laugh honestly, but she was expressing herself honestly. It seemed to be a vomit of her deepest emotions, that she didnt wished she had kept. It sounded melancholic, like she wasn't laughing with her stomach but rather she was making sounds from her heart. It sounded like an expression of her inner self that little would've understood, and laughing was just a temporary representative. As i am one of the ordinary many, I felt the distance between us, and the more i try to shorten it, the longer it became.

The toxic influenced conversation continued. Her head slowly found her way to rest on his shoulders. Naturally comfortably. I looked away. The street on my right filled with drunkards, rubbish, and Proton cars with spoilers seemed more panoramic.

*

He had to drop all of us back. As if my ego wasn't insulted enough, he rubbed some salt onto the wound by offering,

'you want me to drop you back first?'

Governed by my low sense of pride and a high amount of emotional distortion, i rejected. She lived somewhere along the way where my house and hers is, and my simple logic hanged while decyphering his offer. Little did i know he was protecting my eyes from the scene, obscene to nobody else but me.

Along the way, i remembered hearing no-more-tequila-for-ever, sorry-darling-i-promise-i-wont-do-drink-anymore, this is the worst headache i've ever gotten and from a different source, breathing, soft, but not soft enough to be not heard when there's a little mucus in her nose.

*

Reached her house. She was too frail to walk back alone. He came to her assistance. She steadied herself on his sturdy body. He extended his hand over her shoulder to strengthen her stance. It seemed to have offered her a sense of security too. After making a few steps, she stopped. Her eyes failed to contain her tears anymore. He recognized and reacted to it by staying put, patting her back and waiting for the moment to pass. But the wait wasn't long, simultaneously their arms reached out for each others' backs.

And hugged.

I didn't to look at it as much as i wanted to. She seemed to have found her salvation. The shoulder to cry on. The sponge to absorb all the pain away. I complimented myself for not drinking so much because i would go on a boiling frenzy if i did. And reminded myself that i was in no position to be jealous. But failed miserably.

They released each other. However, the comfort she felt seconds ago caused her to irrationally yearned for more. Her tears kept rolling. She felt comfortable to let him see the vulnerable side of her.

They reformed the hug.

Ever get the confusing feeling from a watching horror film where part of you wants to watch it so badly while the other part of you tells you to close your eyes? It felt the same.

dont expect life to be fair.

****************************

Christmas was never this dull. Antisocial was me. Going Gurney brought the possibility of bumping into her. No, them. Immaturely, i never wanted to see the truth as much as she never wanted to admit the truth. It was being quite some time since the testimonials, but recovering from minor wounds wasn't easy, as for me. Even a simple inquiry message from her seem to torture my sensitive and underdeveloped emotion, like pain.

'hey i going gurney with my friend you wanna come?'

I've heard rumours. From every possible source. She told me not to believe in them. Selfishly i wanted to. Making no sense, i forced myself to. I had made attempts to squeeze out the truth from her but to no avail. It was like having obvious cancer symptoms and the only diagnosis that was gonna convince me full-heartedly failed.

Just as i thought i was gonna be safe by being left in the dark, Friction sympathized me from his perspective and made attempts to get me out. He was aware of my situation, so i voiced out my anxiety of meeting them. And that i was gonna be a wet blanket if i tagged along. Righteously he got me to go by telling me the chances of meeting Akasha would be low due to the huge amount of people swarming around the area.

The length of my hair was long enough to almost fully cover my vision. I let it filter, although it occasionally tickled my eyes. I wondered why they wanted me around with them because i made the least bit of effort to socialize. My mind was blank and i failed as a friend because i wasn't thinking that i should treasure Friction and co.'s company even though i was in bad shape.

We loitered around meaninglessly like every teenager would at the time of their age. When cupid played me, i somehow disciplined myself to think that other prettier girls were not as eye-catching as Akasha. When cupid left me, the discipline didn't. I spend the whole time following the more familiar sneakers worn by the more familiar ones. I couldn't see myself back then, but i imagined myself to look like this low self-esteem kid who gets frequently ignored or bullied.

Finally we decided to leave the place, and Akasha was nowhere to be seen yet - thankfully. I've heard from different gangs that she, with gaara was sighted somewhere around. For just only that short moment, i wished i was deaf. Then for the next, i wished i was blind.

Them. Their wrists bore the same fluorescent bracelet. Their hands wore each others' hand. Our eyes recognized each other's but mine was trying very hard not to. I guessed it never bothered her at all as much as it bothered me. I froze, and it felt like i swallowed my own heart. They stopped for her to say the usual hi-bye.

'i thought you weren't gonna come.'

I broke my record for raising my head to the highest angle on that day. And gave her the look as blank as infinity. And that alone was my respond. I didnt care if it was rude. I never thought that friends only could hold each other's hand so intimately. (Please understand that i suffer from mental retardation)

'let me introduce you to my friend, gaara.'

Still friend only? What i saw and what i heard didn't match. Even a moron could tell. I gave him the same cold look i gave her. He returned the favor. He probably recognized me from somewhere or someone's mouth. And that i no longer pose any threat. To look less like a sore loser, i forced out a faint smile. To look more like a sporting winner, he offered a handshake.

'and this is raggy.'

His hand was like any ordinary hand except that it was very well built. It took me a few seconds to realise that i was supposed to return the handshake. Sometimes i wished we were Japanese because we could just.. bow.

Akasha realised that she had being doing the talking all the while and gave us the space to say something. We stood and stared in silence. As if i was raising the white flag, i waved goodbye, stiffly. Maybe they said goodbye. Or they didn't. I didn't pay attention so i didnt remember. We parted ways.

It rained before we reached our car. We had to shelther ourselves in the same area. I imagined how secure she would be resting on his hunky chest. I imagined how happy she would be laughing to his flirty jokes. I imagined how blessed he would be examining her little actions and expressions. I imagined how his heart would skip beats once she respond positively to his advances. I squatted in the corner hoping nobody would notice me. I wanted to disappear. A kindred soul came and patted me on the back. I didn't remember who. I remembered ignoring a few jokes that would usually make me laugh. I remembered that i was told that there were many other fishes in the sea but didnt remember who was the person who told me. Then the sky stopped crying. My heart started to however.

******************(flashback ends)*************

No, pictures shouldn't have more effect than having it seen live, right? The captured moment seemed permanent. Anyone would've hoped to look as pleasant as that forever. If i wasnt this selfish i would've being admiring how matchingly romantic they look. Like the usual happy ending of the usual chick flick. Or the lead picture of an advertistment bridal shops would pay millions for. Or a complicated piece of jigsaw puzzle, finally being put together in all the correct places. From a stranger's perspective, the pictures i'd taken with her seem to be dull, outcolored by what that were in front of my eyes now. I blamed the camera. and the scenery. and the cameraman. and all that was just to serve as an imaginary placebo, to an imaginary disease called jealousy.

I stared and stared and stared and realised my eyes were failing me physically and morally. Eventually i gave up staring and succumbed to sleeping. I was so sure that i was gonna sleep moments ago, but not anymore. The image seemed to appear on the ceiling, wall, pillow, and even on my eyelids. Logic, desire, emotions and assumptions entangled each other. Logic and assumptions told me that i needed to know. And give up. And cherish... them. Desire and emotions told me a different story. That i was the main character in a typical romantic film where the average village guy gets the happy ending. Or that this was all social. But the fact that she did upload those pictures manually told me that she wasnt afraid that people would know about herself looking as if she belonged to him. Needless to say, she didnt bother what would i think from doing that. But we took some pictures together like that, right? and ff#14-20. On the contrary, she looked more colorful on the recent picture. and ff#21-26. What would happen to the visit?

Irrational thoughts like going Australia and give her Epic and then return Malaysia at the same day surfaced. But what would happen to Epic itself? All my self-satisfying ideas showed its worthlessness now. I thought of Uncommon and didnt start it at all. I shouldn't bother her right? But it bothers me so much. I really wanted to sleep. I see the pointlessness in thinking of these. Then i didnt. Fantasies and wild imagination like the piano battle scene fom Secret (ff#17) came in but dissipated within seconds due to my zero knowledge and initiative about learning music. To console myself at the very same moment, i told myself that she wouldn't just pick a guy because he was more superior in music, but the person as for the person itself.

The recurring image of them demoralised me again. I compared our faces secretly and felt like hiding mine inside a brown paper bag. How long did she know him? I hoped it wasn't long. Then somehow i hoped it was because of my ego. How old is he? I hoped he was younger than her. Then, again, somehow i hoped he wasn't because of my ego. Would he treat her nice, long term? I don't know what to hope for, sincerely.

Then all the feather fragments visited me. And those less interesting ones that i didn't include in the feather fragments. Then i came across the thought that i was just thinking in circles, everything i think of was just a repeat of things i have thought before and i would be as tired as awhile ago to sleep. Yes, to sleep. It was easy. Really. Just five more minutes. Then i wouldn't be aware of dozing off.

The next thing i know i heard the morning bird called. I would fall asleep any time now right? I would. Yes, i would. Pianist. With Siren. Sleeping is healthy. Siren looks healthier with Pianist. Don't think of anything! Count sheeps. One, two, three, four, five, six, siren, eight, nine, pianist. Okay not working. I checked the time. Seven. Eight thirty. Nine. Siren should be awake at 1-2 pm right? Eleven would be the time i call her, i decided to myself.

*

Eleven. I told myself i'm the bravest man in the world. VIIIXIIIIIIVVIIIIIVIIIO. I thought i was nervous but i wasn't. Maybe because of the lack of sleep.

'i saw the facebook pictures.. who's that guy?'
'oh... a friend lo. keke'
'what's your relationship with him? you like him?'

tbc..

p.s: if this violates you (boushbell and akasha) in any way, feel free to tell me to take it down.

feather fragments # 25: epic fail

2009-08-31T02:59:00.003+08:00

the absence is taking its toll on me. if i don't do anything the burning material would run out and there wouldn't be any fire anymore. perhaps it had already died out. i yearned for it and i knew i had to do something about it. hence, epic was drafted out. I don't know how i got the idea, I knew i had nothing to do when i was working at that moment so i was randomly reading wikipedia articles. I don't know which was the one that inspired me, it was either ChungKingExpress or 2046 or something else which i couldn't remember. I watched neither of the shows. It was merely the synopsis responsible for the idea to craft epic.

I wrote a draft of it that only i could understand. I hereby would like to translate it to be comprehensible. And please note that this project had been abandoned. Due to obvious reasons.

i'm doing this for the sake of building up my confidence.
it shall be an innovative effort. avant-garde.
but made by someone with bad technical skills.
it shall be a recollection of knowledge, interest and memories. that i know. that you know. that i want. that you want. or at least, that i assume you want.
with a combination of bad art and nerd rage, i hereby present to myself, project: epic

This is self explanatory. No encoded meanings. It's your problem if you don't understand.

13 origami flowers.

Remember ff#14? No? Nevermind. Her ex, SourceofEpic gave her paper roses. 12 of them. and then Siren accepted the flowers due to its beauty and SourceofEpic interpreted it as she accepted him whereas she didnt officially did. Slowly she relented and started falling in.

I'm aware of the negative flashback and feedback of hers if i happen to do this. I'm also aware that someone normal wouldn't purposely go and mess with her past and what i was going to do was totally contradicting. But it wasn't just like that. It was something more. Something so much more it could be viewed as another entity, depending on whichever perspective she would look at it.

white papers. red ink or color pencil.

Her favourite color is deep red. (referring ff#6). Hence the red. White papers? So i could produce something meaningful on the papers.

flower shape unknown YET. (will be updated).

Thank you Youtube for being a teacher.

Can someone tell me how to go through the step on the 2.30th minute? I couldn't understand that even from the other similar videos. Oh, and i am not very motivated to do it anymore. I'll thank you though, if you ever tried to motivate me.

flower1- bir kadin cizeceksin
flower2- ditto i guess
flower3- ditto, my hp

bir kadın çizeceksin is my one of my favourite songs from the Turkish band maNga. It simply meant you'll draw a woman in turkish. So the first threes flowers will be colored red with two of her portraits and a picture of us that was taken on my handphone.

Pure red and white was a bitch. The cheap color pencils' red wasn't dark enough to contradict with the white as much as the black that usual 2B pencils can produce. My lousiness in differentiating the magnitude of color caused the shadows drawn above her tongue to look like beards. To get a better idea of color contradiction, i transfered her picture to my computer and two-colored it and tried to draw her according to that. Sketched 3 of the same picture and all of them sucked. Her straight teeth on a slanting angle shadowed by her lips was the hardest part to draw.

flower4- lyrics of the songs u like. (wtf lol)

If Siren could perform these songs she would've like them right? No, i never decided on a fixed amount nor the specific songs. The 'nominees' were:

容祖兒 - 獨照 (based on ff#7&15)
Celine Dion - It's all coming back to me (based on ff#7)
梁靜茹-會呼吸的痛 (based on ff#3)
鄧麗君 - 但願人長久 (uncertain, based on ff#17, will be corrected)

Ok this kinda sucked. All of them are pop songs and she majors classical. Out of my league, huh?

flower5- lyrics of the songs i like n would like u 2 like. (wtf wtf wtf no lol)

This is more of a filler. Why would she appreciate songs that i like? Well they are (or were and she deleted it) still in the pendrive i gave her during ff#16.

Within Temptation - Memories (red, on the flower, signifying how much i treasured the memories with her)
Nightwish -Over the Hills and Far Away? (red, on the flower, signifying our distance, but added a question mark behind because the lyrics talked about robbery and prison)
Epica - Sancta Terra (red, on the flower, but seemed more suitable as the ground, since terra means ground/earth)
Leaves' Eye - Elegy (green, on the leaves, due to band name.)
Within Temptation - The Truth Beneath The Rose/ Mother Earth? (green, on the leaves, due to the titles, these two songs were less considered unless the materials on the leaves run out.)
Flyleaf- All Around Me (green, on the leaves, due to band name.)
Nightwish - Amaranth (no reason, the title meant a kind of flower. More of a filler green.)

flower6- ditto of tenth star

Our only proud duet. I would like to laugh at the very little things we have in common. I almost intended to put Phantom of the Opera in it but it totally sounded like a bad idea. If that paper became too empty i might fill it up with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours and Lucky and rename the title of this flower lyrics of the song we mutually like. This was the original intended title, actually.

flower7- things i want to tell u

Click on link. Wrote those after being questioned by Toby regarding her. Thanks for the push. If written, they'll be translated to chinese.

flower8- rm10

Considered making a rose out of pure Malaysian Ten Ringgit notes. Planned to use 3-4 of them and Five Ringgit notes will be used as leaves as for this stem. Meant to boast about my willingness to spend for her.

flower9- primary school punishment in chinese

This was inspired by a long forgotten insignificant of a past of someone else's. Hadn't decide on what to write till the moment that i gave up. The few words that i thought were Siren'sChineseName, I-really-really-miss-you full page in chinese or a diary style of the same but with different "miss magnitudes" until the day i met her. eg,

26th feb. - SCN, thought of me? Think of you all day~
27th feb. - SCN, ok should think of you less before i go crazy. Wont think of you so much ok?
28th feb. - SCN, wei very hard la, please let me think of you!
1th mar. - hmp, dont want to write your name today! but but... SCN, argh.
2nd mar.- SCN. ok today is a boring day. Think of you averagely.
3rd mar. SCN. average is boring too. Think of you more ok?

I would like to clarify, again, that all that's above are just an example. Dont worry, none were actually written.

flower10- link to this blog?? (most of it will be white, but the posts shall fill the emptiness) (if its ever opened)

Pre-the-day-the-picture-was-uploaded i never thought of writing feather fragments at all. If things went as the original plan all the posts will be me talking to myself but as if i'm talking to her. And all the progress reports about epic. She might want to see what was written on the flowers and would be reluctant to unfold the origamis so this might help.

flower11-coloratura

She told me about her dream ambition to become a coloratura soprano. So i planned to copy this to fill up the next piece of paper. Of course, i wouldn't understand the least bit of words from there.

flower12- (ok im out of ideas)

Thought of putting in a table of content and a brief description to every flower like a restaurant menu. The trick of this flower is that all words will positioned to face outwards so anyone can read it.

flower13- ...

This was written after i saw those pictures.

12 dead flowers. black, dark purple or brown. different from the former 13 in terms of pattern. they shall face down. they shall be distinct, easy to detach.
flower1-12: random physic equations or, notes. no confirmation about the 'correct'ness. made to be thrown away in front of you. stupid. history-thrash. but unique. and meaningful. to me, at least.

So all together 25 flowers will be made. These 12 flowers signifies the 12 flowers SourceofEpic gave her. The physics equation on them are some sort of a parody of the way he got to her. They will be written in a dull and darker color. They will be crumpled and made bad quality to look as if they are withering and about to fall off. They shall face down upon completion.

and they will be thrown away. in front of her. one by one.

and i realised i gave my form6 physics textbook to my friend because his sister needed it. So i went through the trouble to get the textbooks from a junior college-mate of mine but never get to put them to evil use.

tbc..

feather fragments # 24: taint

2009-08-21T15:10:00.005+08:00

being contemplating cutting myself. here goes. they aren't in chronological order.

*******

'got miss me ma?'
'got la.'

We both sounded somewhat cheerful. Because i liked her respond. And occasionally she would be the one asking. Little did i know missing someone is a terrible thing. Quoting myself, i should learn to be more greedy; i somehow thought that being missed by her was satisfying enough, but it wasn't enough. In fact it is far from enough, for everyone else normal.

*
(random different occasion)
'got miss me ma?'
'miss you all lo.'
'huh? you all?'
'my friends and family in penang lo. the gang also lo. keke.'

Upon hearing that i swallowed a gulp. Maybe i should significantly let her know that i was selfishly asking this question for myself but thank god i didn't. She knew i was asking that question for myself right? And that was a deflect. Or maybe she was just telling me what was on her mind and her friends and family are at that moment occupying it. I kept my cool and ignored the crack in the dam.

*
Anyhow she would swap between those two answers, with the one that i wanted to hear more being the prevalent one. But the fact that she's not replying consistently bothers me. To a minor extend, though, but to that extend it's here in this blog.

*****
Remember the first time i proposed visiting her? It was a good idea. Back then. For both of us. I think. It was gradually becoming a less and less good idea. Day by day. For her. It is a fact.

'so you said your holidays are in june-july-ish. You checked? Let me know ASAP kay, wanna get cheaper flights.'
'woahh. you really gonna come mieh?'

We were on the phone. We couldn't see each other's expressions. Or i couldn't see her expressions and she couldn't be bothered seeing mine. I was confusing myself between thoughts like 'the-would-be-butterfly-effect-of-not-getting-her-number', 'why-was-she-doubting-me-so-much' and 'no, it-indirectly-means-she-doesnt-want-me-to-go.' Of course, she didn't sound like she did during turning point. I strived.

'yes la. you tell me when you are available to let me find la haha.'

*

(different occasion,phone call made lying on bed)
"so have you found out when would you have time for me?"
"wei you really gonna come mieh?"

It didn't sound convincing enough that she didn't want me to go. Nor promising. Maybe she's busy at that moment, but finding the date out shouldn't be so uneagerly troublesome, right? I paused momentarily to catch my breath, wondering why my simple chinese was so incomprehensible. And no, she never came across the thought that i was wrecking my nerves trying that long distance visit feat. After seconds of recomposing myself, i tried my best to sound sincere so she wouldn't repeat that question.

"yes."
"but coming here is so expensive."
"it'll be worthwhile."
"but it's really very expensive...'

As for someone like me, i gathered a lot of courage to declare that statement and she just trampled over it within a few seconds. I saw something wrong there, but i, at that moment, still firmly stood by my declaration.

*
(random ocassion, stuck in traffic)

"you really gonna come ar? i don't really know where to bring you around wor."
"ya laaa. it's okay."

I optimistically thought that, at least she intended to being my tour guide, so to some extend she's okay with me visiting right? Else she wouldn't be inquiring or answering if one of us miss the other of us, right?

"but where are you gonna stay?"

An innocent question that means a lot of things. The scene became something similar to the moment of truth. I didn't try my best to provide an intellectual reply, but nevertheless i made an attempt. A weak one, though.

"your place?"
"my place ar..... kinda small worr."
"oh. er.. meaning?"
"furthermore you're a guy and i'm a girl. Sharing and sleeping in a room. What could people think ar?"
"meaning no?"
"not too decent la. and it's really small. i dont really know where to let you sleep."

Kudos to myself bombarding myself as i'm writing this. An intense surge of guilt of belittling Onion's offer streamed into my consciousness. I used to laugh at his ingeniously perverted plan that he crafted out for me and now it bited back at me. I remembered that she didn't allow me in her room back in mandate. I had to lick my wound by assuming Siren is this conservative girl to go against cohabitiliating. Curiousity alone might prove me wrong so i'm satisfied with not knowing exactly.

This incident itself is a very bad sign. Simple logic deduces the cruelest answers. Yet it wasn't enough to hinder a determined pervert like me. Yet.

*
(random ocasion, walking around the house)

"so found out when would you be free yet? if not i would force myself there on the 1st of July."

Took me lots of courage, again, to say that. I don't know if i should feel proud or ashamed. Logic told me that she would've eagerly informed me of her specified available date and even accomodated me if she really wanted me to visit her. Neither happened. Perservance told me that i had to fight for my own happiness. I'mma try to make something happen.

"i'm still uncertain if i have enough time for you la. I have holidays on till end of june, then it will be exam period."
"so june's not interfered.."
"you coming just because of me right?"
"yeah.."
"if so i'm really scared if you travelled so far and i couldn't allocate time for you. Why not like that, you come at the end of the year, that would be when and after i graduate. I'm pretty sure i will be free then. Then let's go back together?"

That surprised me. Totally. It sounded like a good idea for a few seconds. Then it sounded fishy. Then it became the same old good idea the few seconds ago. Repeat. The inclusion of the word 'together' was so soothing all the negative deductions from her cold reactions towards me were temporarily voided. However, doing so would prolong the next time we meet each other. Things might happen in between. I couldn't stop my paranoia from making up stories like she's-delaying-the-meeting-time-to-grant-more-space-for-her-to-deny-me. Maybe it was just my bad experience. That wasn't negligible.

I was immersed in my chaotic mind for awhile and produced sounds that give people the impression that im retarded if they hear me. Indecisiveness is a sin to impressing girls and i was commiting in broad daylight.

"errrr........ hmmm...... errrrr (after some time) i'll think about it."

********
I told my parents about visiting her. It was nerve-wrecking. Like you had to show them your report card and you failed all the subjects. Due to the negative signs, my dad was skeptical against the idea and was stating out all the deductions that i've produced long ago. And so, the cynical questions were countered with the most optimistic answers that i usually wouldn't give under normal conditions. I couldn't help feeling ironic and not very myself.

But i've let them knew. For what I've being through, it's very reclutant for me to pull out. Just like that.

************

No, she didnt reply that facebook reply on the professional refresher. No, she didn't made any effort to call me back there. She did, horridly rarely though, take the iniatitive to message me on MSN. And if she did it could probably be the day where more than a hundred people got struck by lightning in the whole wide world. Or the day she got into a high fever. or after a lengthy phone conversation which i assumed she enjoyed. or the time he went back.

*************

I agreed on the November idea, after much consideration. I don't know if it was only me, but she seemed relieved to hear it. Look at the bright side, more time for epic.

tbc..

filler

2009-08-18T21:43:00.002+08:00

have been signing into blogger but not knowing how to write the next feather fragment. i would type out feather fragments # 24:and then stare at the screen blankly for a few minutes and then close the window. is that a good or a bad thing?

my routine life has being pretty boring. i wonder how long i'm gonna last paying tribute to my false goddess. i'm running out of things to say to her. and she's running out of intention to talk to me. and i've being playing a lot of WoW lately. FML.

I guess i wont be writing ff#24 any time around. But one day i will. Because if i stopped like that it wouldn't be fair to Siren. I think.

feather fragments # 23: the professional refresher

2009-08-12T22:38:00.010+08:00

Never before i was so keen on receiving a facebook message. When you press f5 on the facebook page, it would take around 1 to 2 seconds for the whole page go. blank. Then another 3 to 4 seconds for more important commands like 'home', 'profile', 'friends' and 'inbox' to be generated. The next thing after these is the number of unread inbox messages and never before it attributed to me such a high level of suspense. And i would curse silently to myself like an uncivilized auntie whenever i received the plenty secondary school alumni messages for the sole reason they weren't Siren's.

My efforts bore fruit two weeks after the departure. I think i've pressed more f5-s than the number of times my father brushes his teeth. Salvation.

I was doing some boring quest in Ashenvale(some place in some game). This was the first time i was grateful facebook notifies/d me every single activitiy that's happening around your social network. Honestly speaking, i wasnt as eager as if i was expecting it because i've being clicking on notifications telling me that some random friend did some test/quiz/questionaire/comment-on-some-picture/status-update/wtf/wtf/etc. But it was her reply. I remembered i was gaming and forced myself to forget that i was and it was done with little effort. During then, I found myself alt+tabbing between the game and the message to a point i got so anxious in replying her that i closed the game impulsively. I giggled. And smiled. And sniggered. And chuckled. And whatever-verb-that-meant-the-same. Told myself to be sane and stop whatever-verb-that-meant-the-same-ing to myself for no good reason, but failed and resumed WVTMTS-ing.

I'mma glamourise my professionalism in refreshing facebook pages. Remember the date i sent her the message? February 26th. Look at her reply time and mine.

That's why the picture's still there. Sorry.

And she never replied after this. So much for being professional at refreshing.

feather fragments # 22: rend

2009-08-10T11:52:00.003+08:00

sent her another message telling her about the dream. still inhibitedly refreshing that page.
this is the life of a man with imaginary friends.

but i shall not falter. not that easy. i needed a plan. i've made plans. if there were still no signs of her, i would give myself datelines to carry them out:

a) Siren told me she was/is still friends with this not so close friend that we mutually know. I almost lost contact of this particular friend (jiaying) so i had to somehow get her contact from another friend(nic) just to ask for Siren's. Planned date: march 10.

If that doesnt work,

b)drive to her house. call the number on the singing tutorial banner advertisement in hopes of getting to her sister to get to her number. This is a too bold someone like me to do. But it was er, my last resort? Planned date: march 15.

Well, not really my last resort.

c)get dog to get someone who knows CloudK. CloudK probably would not remember me at all or even give a stranger a girl's number. and dog himself might not have her contact. so its more like a second or third degree request. This is more awkward than anything else. Planned date: march 20.

Wish me luck.

feather fragments # 21: disconnect

2009-08-06T22:44:00.006+08:00

i woke up to what i presumed the longest day of my life - the first day after she left. That was only when i realised my horrendous mistake about not getting her phone number. Immaturely i thought if she missed me enough she would've called.

Which she never did till now. Not even once.

Maybe she was busy settling down. Before she left, she told me that she havent found a place to stay and had to dwell in a hotel with her parents momentarily. And she was carrying quite a number of things, not to mention the documentation process of her universities and courses. Probably busy right?

Yeah. Probably.

I found myself missing her so much i kept browsing through the pictures we've taken yesterday. Even though nobody was around me, i was somehow shy and scanned through the pictures as soon as possible hoping no one would catch me ogling the pictures. My paranoia told me somebody's gonna appear out of nowhere and that was so convincing i hastily reverted to the main menu and dropped the phone out of my hand but on somewhere safe.

The pervert in me was not satisfied.

My stupidity regenerated some courage enough for me to grab my phone again. Pressed the same buttons in the same sequence in a slower pace. I found myself staring. Into that refreshing smile of hers. Which was the only picture of herself only that she let me keep. Again, my paranoia kicked in causing the same actions to be repeated. Don't worry the landing ground was the bed.

The pervert in me was still not satisfied.

Yeah, same boring actions again. But each time i did it, it gradually increased my bravery. Hence I wasted 15 minues of time which could be more benefical if you used it to pee or poop. Unknowningly my enhanced bravery also boosted my impatience.

The pervert in me had a brilliantly perverse idea.

I made that picture my phone's display picture. To save the energy to moronically repeat the same buttons just to catch a glimpse of her and then it's gone. I smiled to myself as if i won a bet. And complimented myself silently because doing that would turn all other girls off naturally. So even if i somehow slipped and asked a girl for her number, this would be my saving grace. The moment of truimph didn't last long though.

The pervert in me felt guilty suddenly.

I needed to somehow indicate to her how much i miss her. Even by crude means. Something is better than nothing. At least when we came in contact some time in the future i had something to save my ass from my assumed (non-existant) wrath of hers. I typed her a semi lengthy facebook message, which includes telling her about displaying her picture as my wallpaper of my handphone. Then,

The pervert in me kept refreshing the facebook page.

Even there were no signs of her being online. My phone was then jealous of the keyboard because i spent more time pressing f5 on the facebook page hoping the message numbers received was increased by one. It was the most monotonous but exciting thing i had ever done. She would happily reply when she saw that right?

Yeah, probably.

My friends were persuading me to play WorldofWarcraft but i strongly opposed their attempts. However, i was having second thoughts after some illogical reasoning. The in-game long travel times enabled me to constantly refresh my facebook page. Moreover, it was gonna damage my real life social circle, meaning less chances to meet girls. I never saw this day coming due to my bad experience with the game but the future is too unpredictable. And if something bad happens i can fully indulge in the game to maintain my emotional stability.

As if it worked.

The day ended.

She called me back to scold me for not getting her number when she returned.

But it was all a dream. No facebook replies. No phone calls. Oh, it's tomorrow.

feather fragments # 20: turning point

2009-07-27T21:37:00.018+08:00

She had to pack right? She had to spend time with her family right? I planned to leave her alone on Tuesday. And i did. And wanted to take an advanced-annual-half-day-leave (i was still in probation at work so actually no leaves can be taken) so that i could meet her before sending her off to the airport. Was all hyped up. Till my supervisor told me advanced annual leaves doesnt come in halves, taking a full day was the only option. You ought to know what i picked. Without hestitation. And told her about it hoping she would spend more time with me for sacrificing little things for her.

******

25th February 2009. Noon. Superstitiously drove to Queensbay hoping for a good omen. Yeah, you know me, i create my own beliefs where one action cause another result that has no link at all. Get me? Nevermind if you don't. It simply meant i was getting the last keychain bearing her last name. Remember the scrapped idea? I placed the two key chains in my wallet to remember about it.

And i got it. I brought my heart an imaginary party hat and colorful balloons and ribbons and confettis. I never prayed, but i reckoned it would feel the same. The unexplanable peace and assurance you get from a good omen.

**********

Went home and waited and wondered would she only get me only to fetch her there and sent her off just in time. I imagined pessimistically if that happened what would my parents do to me. I imagined how would i waste a day's leave staying at home during work hours while i actually could still go to work and still make it in time, but only just to get her there, meaning that she wouldnt wanna meet me unnecessarily. The spiral of negative thoughts occupied me so much that it prevented me from doing anything productive besides sitting by the phone and waiting for the call. Each silent second that passed by was dreadful. For mental stability, I relied on the three keychains like holy charms. I laid idle on my bed. As eager and hopeless as dead.

4pm. Sahara rang. Siren. Rised from the dead. Changed. Charged to her house. Met her grandma. Helped her moved her stuff into my car clumsily and i was laughed at.

'Notice anything different about me?'

Looked at her. She didn't return eye contact but knew that i was looking and blinked. I couldn't differentiate if it was intentional or not. She was wearing a red T-shirt that i've never seen before. Jeans. and slippers. The thought of bringing her to the destination safely came to me so i turned my line of sight to the road again. Clear. Turned to her and Siren still looked like Siren. Somebody hit me in the head for being so not observant. and blunt.

'no ar. still so pretty. what's so different about you?'
'i didn't put any makeup.'

Fail. What was more was that i almost always notice if she applied or not during our previous meetings. The instant of guilt gave me a period where you could gouge my eyes out and i would feel that i deserve it as a punishment. Optimisically i thought to myself that, at least she wanted me to notice her, right? I'll keep that in mind next time.

****

Somewhere along the ride. Scotland road. Surprised me that she took the initiative to say that. It pleases/d me anyway.

'erm. due to limited bag space i only took one of the albums you gave me which you said its nicer to Melb. and the pendrive too because i didnt have time to transfer so i think i'd be only returning you at the end of the year.'
'oh. listened to it?'
'got lo. but browsed through it nia.'
'any song you think its nice?'
'errr... dunno never remember the titles. I remember there's a 'memory' there.'
'oh at least you did and remembered one, even if its that.'
'it's because it is so distinct from the other songs'

******
'you use SkyPE?'
'rarely. had an account that has only a few contacts in it.'
'me too. i remember creating one just to show my mum how it works. Add me ok?'
'ok. thru msn la haha. i dont remember it now also'
'neither do i'

Nope never used it. Dont ask. I dont even remember the account name i created for my mum.

'hows the phone services in australia like? what number you using? do you change everytime you come back?'
'nope i use the same australian number all the while. what, you gonna call me?'
'you let? what about the malaysian number? you keeping it?'
'haa. think i would.'

I know i'm a pervert when i have friends in Australia and never asked them about it.

******
Talked. She promised me dinner on her for the transportation. Reached Queensbay. Breeks. Spaghetti and Chicken. Bill. She surfaced her pursue and thought she saw me being masochist because i brought up my wallet at the same time.

'hey i promised to pay!'

She gestured me to prevent me from paying. I let her. My expressions changed, but it was all planned spontaneously. I turned into a scourge, a man capable of indecencies and miseries, and bringing out the wallet act was just a hypocritical formality.

'you really thought i was gonna pay? lian pi hou!' (face thick)

The twist of personality, in my opinion, caught her attention. Just when she was gonna think Jekyl had became Hyde, i unveiled the three keychains, lining up to properly spell her name in chinese. I was/AM somehow proud of my smooth execution; she gasped, covered her mouth momentarily, kept smiling, and kept exchanging glances on me and the keychains.

'wow. you even cut off any excuses for me to return you these.'

I acted as if chivalry was my middle name. And still wanted the assurance that i always wanted.

'haha. is it that i cant give these to anyone but you?'

Her smile had not left her. Seeing her being so lively was so nourishing i would pay anything for moments like these. It took her awhile to comprehend what i said and nodded slightly upon recovery.

'but hior, how do i keep it or use it? its a bit bulky for anything to put them together.'

My sense of achievement had left me. I came across that thought but never came to a perfect solution to that matter since my superstitous attitude has blinded me.

'maybe one at the purse, one at the bag, and one for your keys?'

She then saw this banner of a shoplet where the boss of the shop had ran away and the shop was hard selling the remaining products. And nudged me to look at it which diverted us from the topic. I took a picture of the banner. She asked me to send her that picture at that time. She never did. Till now.

****
Walked. About time to head to the airport. We paid attention to each other's words, gestures, body languages, and eyes. It brought my hand around her shoulder again. This time, it was more natural. Our conversation flow wasn't altered by my obviously intentional contact. This time, it was more comfortable. I was less nervous relatively although i still was but i guess experience teaches well. This time, it was slightly longer than the previous time. Around 1 minute. Longest record for raggy. Walking period from the elevator to car parked in the interval floors. As if the treat wasnt sumptous enough, some spices were added to enhance the bliss. Physical appearence comparisons and compliments from her. Heaven's a lie's a lie.

Let go of her when we entered the car. Questions like 'Why-didnt-they-make-the-car-park-bigger?' or 'why-didnt-i-park-the-car-further?' came spiralling in my irrationally-overly-happy-and-greedy mind. Nevertheless the continuity of our communication was still good. Secretly i told myself to appreciate what happened and to play safe so to not screw up big time.

*****
Reached airport. Lust gave me the strength to carry her slightly overweighted luggage around. My wobbliness never ceased to make her giggle. Teased. Thanked. Queued at the wrong place. Teased again. Silly laughters. SMS-ed. The one word message 'bye'. To a number of her friends. Recipients included me, upon my request though. More silly laughters. Nothing interest about this paragraph, it just served to boast about my memory. Of little negligible actions with her.

**** ####### (the parts within ### are in random order. Wasnt sure so included these)####

'can i see your phone and the pictures in it?'

Immediately i remembered that I had a picture of myself having my hand over Akasha in it. That image hit me like a sniper bullet. I contemplated for awhile and decided to believe that honesty is the best policy.

'erm.. there are things that i cannot show you.'
'what is it? i want to see! i want to see!'
'here. these are the things i dont want to show you.'

Ironically what i said doesnt match what i did. I have this pathetic ideology that i'll suffer lesser consequences by revealing the truth before being found out. I searched for that picture, took a deep breath and showed her that before anything else. Her expressions was as good as expression-less as she saw that picture. I suspected, and hoped that she was hiding the words that were going through her mind. For that few seconds of revelation, she remained silent.

'hmm. got disappointed or jealous?'
'just friends ma. haha.'
'cheh. was hoping that you are jealous.'

The silence continued. Made me wonder what her 'just friends ma' meant. Us, or me and Akasha? She continued browsing through the less interesting pictures that was in my phone. The feeling resembled when an angel had left me. I asked for hers but she didnt allowed to show hers to me. Note taken.

*****
Sat around the coffee bean before sending her off. Took a few pictures of her. And saw the usual Siren who checks if the picture taken is presentable enough to be saved. Then i tried taking pictures of us both but i was too inexperienced in camwhoring. So we resorted to some help from passerbys. Few had my arm over her shoulder, which retarded my acceptance when i saw those pictures that dont have anybody tagged. (you ought to know what i am meaning if you have her facebook)

Asked me to send her the pictures too, back then. And she totally forgotten about it.

********
Looked into her eyes as focused-ly as possible. Cleared my head of negative thoughts. And brought out a smile that wasnt too sweet nor too fake. I reminded myself of the last words during pinch me. As i saw an imaginary reflection of myself within her eyes, i uttered,

'are you gonna miss me?'

My eyes somehow sent a message that i remembered what we talked about two days ago. The receiving stare seemed promising. For a moment i thought i was lost in time and space. Then for the next few moments i thought that maybe i should ask something better like the 'official question'. Rationally, or cowardly, i withdrew the idea based on the fact that we only knew each other for two months and were intimate with each other for only four feather fragments.

My heart skipped a few beats but i noticed she chuckled slightly and our eye contact was still intact. She nodded, and took some time to clear her throat to say,

'hui la' (gonna)

My heart ate a popsicle. An exothermic chemical reaction has just occured. The chemical residues both soothed and stimulated the reaction container. Maybe she wasn't clearing her throat and was expecting me to for ask something more. Or i'M just being too optimistic. because she said,

'je yang mei you chen yi de!' (so insincere wan)

A virtual giant exclaimation mark floated above my head. I envied how Juliet believed Romeo. The usual me licked my own wound again by telling myself that, at least she wanted me to be sincere.

'zhen yang chai hui you chen yi leh?' (how to have sincerity?)
'ni mong jian wo jui ke yi liao lo.' (dream of me then ok already)

Those words willingly chained me to her prison. What i replied later, was the truth, it's up to you to believe me or not. Because it sounded too cheesy and flirtatous.

'ru guo yi jing mong guo ni liao leh?' (what if i've already did dreamt?)
'mong duo yi dian lo.' (dream of me more lo.)

Never thought those words were so literal now. Dre-ee-eam. dream, dream, dream. Dre-ee-eam.

****

'Would you be happy if i were to visit you in Aus?'

As if she got infected by a mild tetanus, her jaw dropped for awhile and couldnt seem to close it properly. But it wasn't tetanus, a little bird tells me that she found it too good to be true.

'really?'
'do i look like i'm joking?'
'would happy la. but really ar?'
'dont doubt me.'
'erm. i think i would be having my hols on june-july-ish. you let me know before you come ok?'

AND THOSE WERE HER EXACT (TRANSLATED) WORDS. Fuck all of you who thought i was gonna go fuck around and bother her.

*******

'can i hug you?'
'haaa?'

I ignored her. And took a step forward. That step was enough to place my flabby biceps around hers. My hands formed a knot behind her spine. My chin was on her slightly scarlet slight lyvelvet mostly black long silky hair, within sniffing range. And did what a pervert would always do, sniffed. and felt her hands finding two random spots, on my back, next to each other to place. Everything else in sight seemed to lost its colors. Everything else in this world that mattered seemed to lost its values. The salvation, or MY self-perceived salvation, lasted 9-10 seconds. Uncontrollably i murmured behind her ears.

'this was my first time.'

I lied. If any physical hug was considered a hug, yea it was a lie. I remembered trying to hug Akasha but she rebuffed me by telling me its for my birthday and its December. To save my face i guess.

We let go of each other. Subsequently I lost the key to the second padlock of Siren's chain. And didn't care. Rather it lost eternally.

As if.

*********###########(pretty sure the sequence of things after this part)#######

It was time. She walked. And kept turned around and smiled and waved. Went into the MAS gateway but realised her flight was SIA's, requiring her to walk back to where i was. It was another moment i was wondering if i was being rational or cowardly again. I just stood there and watched and waved. She resumed the three actions again. But i knew i couldnt see far,as i just lost my glasses the day before. I maintained the same motion even though she was out of range of sight anymore. For one minute. I didnt care how the onlookers would think of me. I wondered if she would suddenly became insane and retreated back to where i was at the sixty-first second in hopes of telling each other very important things. Closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked like the airport never wanted me to leave. Or like i didnt want to leave it.

Received an sms later on when i was driving home.

'thanks for everything. would be back in november. hope can chat with you more on msn!'

I thought i was critical in thinking. Deduced the possiblity that she would be boarding her plane already. And i was driving. So replied her a message as short as possible so she would read it in time before her Maxis number became out of service. I wonder if she expected more.

'miss u lots.'

Punish me. Mutilate me. Kill me. Little did i know I didnt get her Australia number even we talked about it.
********

Somehow i managed to convince myself with blinded faith and fairy tales. The vortex of unsorted thoughts cancel each other out, strangely resulted me to behave towards her departure neutrally. I was told by friends that i would go over-the-top kind of emo but no, i was pretty composed myself, back then. Pinch me, angels, typical rarity, and 14:February were replayed in my mind and analyzed almost excessively that had generated enough serotonins which had removed my anxiety on the incoming absence of flesh. I recognize/d my own unrequited patience and reminded myself that what belongs to you will always belong to you; and this would be viewed as, a test. A test of my capability and abilities to wait, that will prove to her how secure i can be in hopes of disinfecting her plague to think that young age doesnt govern the fidelity of a person. Unlike everybody else, i was so confident that i dont grieve during the gateway of physical absence. i sensed that a few people might point out and humiliate me that i was never being in a relationship before. And that i could never understand. Maybe i really don't. But know this, it's my naivety that had lead me to indulge in this fair-ealit-y tale.

tbc..

p.s: ff:20 ends here

终于我犯了罪永远在此沉睡就算崩溃也要追回记忆的美

feather fragments # 19: pinch me

2009-07-26T19:50:00.005+08:00

The excuse now was ice cream. More than happy to see ok ar. Too soon to be happy yet though. Anyone could just cancel it last minute and you cannot do anything about it. I'm experienced. Hence my paranoia. Receiving any messages between the time she agreed and the time we agreed to meet is like a taboo to me. My heart would skip beats upon hearing the message notification alert urging me irresponsibly to activate the silent mode of my phone and disable its vibration. But no, i didnt do that, as truth must be dealt with honorably.

6pm. Taboo time. The usual happenings i encounter happened. Siren had to dine with her family somewhere outside. Told me off because she couldn't really promise me her presence. Believe me, i was handling it well. Partially was because of the beyond satisfaction treatment she gave me.

8pm.++ She told me her mum might participate in some singing competition for the function her family was attending. So it might be very late. Nothing to jump for joy about, but I was rather content that she would report to me about this.

10pm++. She called. She told me she was available for our meeting already. Requested if i could fetch her. I should hit myself silly because i didnt know where pacific is. Then when she was about to tell me the location, the line cut off. I was taken aback by her initiative, nonetheless died and went to heaven. She already cancelled right? I couldn't help but think that some part of her treasures my company.

I spent a few minutes embracing the heavens and came back to reality. Tried calling her or messaging her. My second time turning on my message delivery report notification and my phone was my best friend. Ah. What happened to her? Her careless mistake again?

Around 1030pm. I became a bitch to some of my friends. Toby was one victim. Nevertheless i couldn't thank him enough, he provided me Siren's home number. Siren told me she was ready, she might be heading home a bit later right? I waited for every 15 minute intervals to actually call to her house. I even thought of going to her house and wait for her to come back but it was late. Yes, you can curse me for not doing that because i feel like cursing myself for that too. Very much.

3rd attempt. Someone answered. Her mum i guessed. Summoned her. It was like 1130 to 1200. Asked her to guess who was i when i was still anonymous. She got it. This became my trademark greeting with her in almost every time i call her.

Talked about myriad stuffs regarding the dinner just now and how prepared was her to go back to Australia. The last lines of our conversation got stuck in my head though.

'ask you something la. before we hang up. you got miss me boh?'
'hmmm. dont ask me now. ask me when you're sending me off in the airport ok?'
'okay.'

If you could see me that time i nodded incessantly and my eyes were almost in tears. I wasn't expecting her to say that but it was something i wanted to hear the most. I should learn to be more greedy.

call/normal

2009-07-25T21:18:00.004+08:00

I slid my phone open. I sensed that pressing that few numbers would result in an incoming panic attack. Nobody was home but me. The loneliness mysteriously contributed some slight factor of comfort. Every device in the house was switched off, i would hear every minute sound around me but they didnt seem to register in my mind. All signs lead to nothing and doing nothing about her the best thing that i can and should do. I'm entangled by my own illusion of things and somehow i seem to like it that way. I saw her smiling face, an image, which is real, but is more imaginary than real. I unslid my phone.

I slid my phone open. Because of the fact that i slid it open for the first time. And the fact that the lights doesnt turn off immediately after i revert it back to its unslided position. I assured myself that i'm too good for a panic attack. Pressed the numbers for the operator. I reminded myself how lonely i am and wanted to feel as if someone is calling me by their initiative. And wanted to look cool to those invisible CCTVs in my room. So i unslid my phone. And left it on the table.

I pretended as if i wasnt suspecting a call. I changed. The return call from the operator seemed forever. I lost my patience. Slid my phone open. Redialled. A message alert. My phone seemed to send me a message by sending a message that the previous called was voice mailed. No dial tone. Because that message cancelled that redialling call. To regain immoral support, i looked at the image again. The smile looked less like a smile. I unslid my phone.

The call card wasnt used since purchase. Supposed to be yesterday. And yesterday's yesterday. I slid my phone open, so that today wouldn't be another yesterday. Panic resurfaced, causing hestitation. I know i memorized her number. Somehow i feared that there's this possibility that i might forget the number so i refreshed my doubtful memory of the number. And resumed to the picture. And wanted to key in the numbers. And forgot. And unslid my phone.

The lights doesnt turn off. Now her smile looked more like a smile. Maybe it's angle. or the angels. or i'm mad. Checked on the number again. No, it didn't secretly change by itself. I'm certain. I'm certain. Well, i wasnt. What the heck. My fingers ran through the numbers as fast as possible. I'm still certain. I lost all senses of sight, feel (touch), and scent. Beautiful women dont capture my eyes now.

It took an eternity but it was only awhile when i heard the dial tone. Due to the distance of the call, the dial tone was distinct. It sounded like a distortion of frequencies and heartbeats. First dial tone. Fourth dial tone. Second dial tone. Seventh dial tone. Third dial tone. Fifth dial tone. Ninth dial tone. Sixth dial tone. I was about to unslid my phone on the infinity-th dial tone.

It connected. A few thousand miliseconds of silence. I imagined my heart followed the frequency. But my heart is normal. I pictured myself saying the usual first line i always say when i called her.

'waii'

A man's voice. Her man's voice? It sounded like...heck i dont wanna remember. Was she unavailable somewhere and he was with her so he answered for her? Suddenly i felt like if i had cancer i rather not know i have. Or it could just be that i pressed the wrong numbers. I own dramaqueens in terms of drama.

'hello?'

The unfamiliar voice again. It echoed itself to familiarity. Its innonence knocked me out of my evil intentions. Wait. I am not evil! Why am i scared? and guilty? I don't know why but i knew i was. I'm too fragile to take this. If this was a movie, I'm the first pawn of a villian to die, those that just got killed in a random gunshot and you wouldn't bother remember watching him die. Nevertheless I died politely.

'Sorry wrong number.'

The echo continued. Silently. Persistently. I unslid my phone. Like finally. For that day.

feather fragments # 18: mandate

2009-07-23T15:41:00.005+08:00

22nd February 2009. Toby called. Told me that Siren had some problems with her internet connection and told me to check for her. I wondered why she didn't go through me directly. Didnt last long though, she called moments later to ask for help. I wasn't exactly free at the moment she requested help but i made myself available in 30 minutes time after some discussion with my parents. Sadly by that time she wasn't free herself. Her choir friends accompanied her to shop for the trip to return to Melbourne.

So we agreed to meet at her house at night. She sent me another message that you can label it misleading but it amused me to no end.

'hope can see you later tonight to fix my internet.'

Yeah that totally sounded normal. Maybe if i didn't had this intense crush on her i would just reply 'ok' without giving it much analysis. Or maybe i wouldn't reply. But this is Siren. It tickles me to see the 'hope-can-see-you-later' , in a positive manner. If she rephrased the sentence to only a simple 'see-you-later' it wouldn't be this itchy because it would just sound like a formality. Ah, this paragraph is bullcrap but this was how my poisoned heart danced to my corrupted mind.

********
Fetched her from gurney to her house. Her friends would be visiting the house some time later too.

So we were in her house again. She went upstairs. I almost followed. For no reason, or to make myself look less perverted and more gentleman, i asked,

'hmmm you let me enter your room?'

Her expressions looked like she left her house and she forgotten to bring her handphone. She turned around and paralyzed for a few seconds that seemed like the few seconds contestants of who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire getting to know if their selected answers are correct, as for me.

'ermm.. no. my room very messy.'

It was very confusing because she shook her head and was smiling and the same time. It was more confusing than very-confusing that i kept calling myself a pervert because i complied to her request. Nonetheless I persisted, with little effort of being less a gentleman.

'but i want to see your room. i dont mind if it's messy.'
'paiseh la its really messy. i take my laptop down har you stay here.'

To feel good about myself, i brainwashed myself to think that being obedient to her requests might earn me some bonus points. To feel better about myself, i felt like piercing myself with thaipusam needles on my mouth so i don't act noble and ask stupid questions like do-you-let-me-enter-your-room in the future. I stood there alone recalling on what happened yesterday and pondered if my 'no-action's caused this.

'dont come up weii!'

She changed to her PJ-s and came down with the laptop. No wonder. We both sat at the ground of her living room. The lineup of the dead roses were still there. I recognized mine and never thought that seeing dead roses were that beautiful before. Acting like a computer nerd, i studied her computer settings to her wireless and it seemed perfectly normal, just that there were no packets received at all. But i didn't really know what to do.

It felt like a mandate that her computer problems were just a coincidence to let us meet each other again. This was because the only thing i did was right click on her wireless icon, and select 'repair' and it... worked. Maybe the fallen angels yesterday felt bad and came back and aided me in this as a consolation prize. Honestly i told her that i didnt really knew what did i do to make it work and she replied that she totally understood how i felt because it happened to her before when her sister's comp had similar problems. For horny reasons, i playfully choked her and she seemed to struggle with little effort by retracting her shoulders which made withdrawing my hand harder. She knew that she teased me and laughed at minimal. I let go of my hand and retreated it to somewhere close enough to settle down for another attack.

Now i no longer had a valid reason to be there. But i was still there. Siren seemed to adore me as her audience. When the connection was up, she suggested that she sing to some songs from youtube-i dont know the title nor the artist (marthamcbride). She even brought down speakers because the sound from the laptop speaker couldnt cope with her voice.

Then she would show me different kinds of opera acts. Then Vitas. Then some chinese oldman that could go super high pitch. But she thinks he's annoying. Then Vitas again, on Ave Maria. And commented his version was not good enough. And also he sang with his eyes closed. Then Sumi Jo on the same song. And complimented on her ease on breathing and technique which i couldnt tell and why did i remember till now also i dont know. Then some kid who sang Queen of the Night and commented that his singing method which was unhealthy, long term. Then she would link to another billy? something kid who sang what about us. It felt like a one way communication so i forced myself to think of something worth showing her. But i knew nothing! I needed something extraordinary.

The thought of an angel, Gabriel helped again. At that time he recently linked a korean kid aged around 9-10 playing really good guitar in his blog. So that was the something i came up with in hopes returning the favor. She remained neutral, not too fascinated nor too disappointed. Maybe it wasnt extraordinary enough.

Some time in between she turned to me. Looked at me. Our distance each other was within electrostatic range. I was caught off guard with what i assumed, a test of guess question. The recurring one.

'you feel that i'm fat or not?'

I knew the previous reaction of mine to that question failed. My mind went into a chaotic storm and empathy came out of the rumble of the nerves. I returned her stare, and stated the worst possible answer.

'have you seen my tummy?'

It wasn't only silence, she looked away. It felt like missing the bus because you were only a few seconds late. What was more was you ran for the bus but buses werent invented to travel slower than usual human running speed so you wouldnt catch up to it by any normal means. Disappointments are good teachers though. Now i know what not to answer upon hearing that question.

The next and last thing i showed her was archenemy. ArchEnemy is a female-fronted metal band where the vocalist literally growled. Her expressions seemed different now. I thought she might be disgusted, but she actually extended her head nearer to the monitor. She laughingly commented that her voice would crack in no time and took control of the mouse i was holding to search for a clip about her usual talking voice to prove herself correct. Unexpectedly, what she clicked was a clip on an interview, or a lesson about growling. What was more was that the teacher's a female. It kinda felt good in an evil way for awhile.

However that didn't last long. She started to make ju-on sounds in hopes of imitating it! I was guilty as hell as growling would damage a singer's throat to make smooth voices even if the growl technique is correct. I know that for a fact.

Suddenly, her friends reached her house in such a wrong time. One of them is even her singing teacher! Siren went missing for the guests and the teacher sat on the sofa, behind the ground where i was sitting. I turned around and smiled but she looked so moody as if she just quarreled with her husband. She's no medusa but a slight glance at her petrified me. I escaped into a what seemed safer zone and pretended i was actually petrified, hoping that she wouldn't cast her mighty stone gaze on me. In order to not provoke the wrath of the classical singing people, my swift hands closed the tabs on the demon impersonators before leaving the hazardous area.

For a moment i felt relieved. Siren showed them the version of Ave Maria from Vitas because it was showing on the highlighted page. My peace from guilt didn't last long though, Siren herself told them that this idiot over there (me) found something interesting that she wanted to show them, much to my horror.

I dont want to ruin Siren's voice. Or i dont want to known as the one who did. As cowardly as i was, i ran. Well, not really, i took my leave. It was 1130 and i had to work tomorrow and all that were just excuses.

(Oh, i didnt recall exactly when,but she asked me to fetch her to the airport on Wednesday. Hurray! I mean it.) (for continuity of the conversation next part)

'hey i'm leaving now.'
'huh? so early?'
'ermmm. your teacher looks damn fierce la. i say hi she no response wan.'
'er no la she's always like that at first. can talk really well wan.'
'i still feel a bit awkward err. Also, its late already. i have to work tomorrow.'
'ok la. goodnightandsweetdreams. bye. take care.'
'so i see you onnnnnnnnnn.....'
'wednesday?'
'ah i was hoping tomorrow. bye.'

I don't remember her replying. or that she did but she didnt agree on seeing me tomorrow. On a side note, it bothers me to listen to if-you-wanna-be-my-lover-you-gotta-get-with-my-friends from spice girls after this incident.

tbc..

feather fragments # 17: angels

2009-07-08T12:06:00.023+08:00

Saturday. Siren day. Wished that i could make that everyday but my schedule didnt allow it. Back then, i could ask her out and she agreed without questioning me where to go or what to do like she did during goodnightandsweetdreams. Ha, i'm so good at making something out of nothing that misleads myself to no end.

The top at 13:February. Jeans. Usual make up. Usual lateness in coming out. Mom cooked some soup for her. Neither of us had anywhere in mind to go to. Well, for horny reasons i suddenly became adventurous and thought of bringing her to go around Penang Island although i do not know the exact route to go around it. Furthermore, my sense of direction is notorious of prolonging travel times to specific locations that i barely know of. Or maybe i was hoping that we could get lost together so there's something extraordinary happening to us that we could remember. Shhhh...

Siren talked about this friend of hers whom i knew of her existence due to NationalService. Indeed a small world, but it wasn't that surprising because this friend of hers sings so well i saw a full page writing about her singing in the newspapers. Spontaneously Siren missed her to the extent she called her and talked, from Island Plaza to the middle of the road after Batu Feringghi before Teluk Bahang. That was around 20 minutes. That made me think that Siren would take the initiative to call someone, just to talk. But it was never me. But the person she called was a girl. Hmm.

It was like 3-4pm when she ended her call and it was only then she told me she havent had her lunch. Upon hearing that, i slapped myself silly for not being caring enough to ask if she had had her lunch or not and squealed like an eunuch. She laughed and told me that i was cute for making that noise and i actually bought it because of the poison from typical rarity were still lingering in my veins. So we made a three point turn. Thinking that she would probably bored with Gurney and Queensbay being too far, i suggested that we go to Prangin although it's a bit dodgy. She shook her head. Even though she was hungry, she kind of forgotten it and suggested that we go to Fung's college just to look see. I protested, reasoning that nobody would be there since it was saturday afternoon. Disagreement. Crap. Then she suggested Gurney and i became fickle-minded and agreed. And let her drove my car. Or forced her to. Or taunted her to. Whatever.

She drove like she was having driving lessons. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Moreover, there was only one lane at where we were. The car was travelling in such a slow speed that a number of vehicles were literally queueing behind us. Not surprisingly, the driver behind us lost his patience and horned but she acted like nothing happened and continued driving at the same snail-like speed. Somewhere in the middle of the journey she told me she drove with both legs, with the right on the pedal and the left on brakes. It cracked me up. What goes around comes around; I told her that she was cute the way she told me i was. Nonetheless i like that kind of honesty; that she wasnt ashamed of letting me know her weakness. A number of cars sped pass us when they had the chance and glared into my car expecting to see an old lady but i think the sight of me and Siren laughing at each other further frustrated them. Her ignorance reminds me of myself... when i sing.

We finally managed to reach gurney. More opportunities for me to tease her, because she didn't dared to drive up that spiralling car park. We had to change seats in front of the ticket dispenser. Memorabily embarassing. I wonder if she hated me secretly already.

******

We made a stop at some random chinese restaurant in gurney for Siren to have her lunch.

'you know, sometimes you gotta guess what girls really want. Sometimes they can say one and mean another.'
'ha? i usually take words literally. i'm really bad at guessing.'
'qi si bu yao jing de la.'(actually, nevermind)

Somehow she looked like she grinned. Somehow she looked like she forced a facade-smile. Or a mixture of both. Sometimes i wished i was psychic. Anyhow i should be thankful that i wasnt blind because i could see that she was looking at me while saying that, all the while.

'well i usually meant everything i say. Brutal honesty. No return favors?'
'girls are like that. you have to really good at guessing. you would know if you in a relationship. i can't really specifically tell you how. learn from experience.'
'aw. i have zero experience. now you believe that i wasn't in a relationship before?'
'haha you really suck at guessing that sometimes. but that's ok keke.'

I wondered if the girls she mentioned include herself. Judging from now, i felt she meant almost every girl. I hated her nevermind though. So misleading. Maybe it was already a test of guess itself. Her expressions didnt really justify that the nevermind was a test. Or maybe it could just be a generalization statement. An advice for me in the future.

'Why do you always laugh?'
'Erm. Sometimes i don't really know what to say so i do it to prevent awkwardness.'
'Haaa? Meaning you were/are always awkward with me?'

I don't remember what she replied but I remembered finding myself in questions. We kept talking while we finished her food and started to walk around the mall. We would stumble at different shops and she would ask me which cloth/shoe/spec/etc is nicer. In response, i would always take some time to think and tell her an answer and asked about hers and she would ocassionally reply. I wonder if that kind of reaction is the best for her. By this happening, it answered my question-about-being-awkward-with-me by 30%, favoring my desire. Then i confirmed the next 70% when she told me,

'i tell you la, you will always have something to reply me to whatever i say.'
'huh? it's that a compliment for me being good at talking or an insult that i'm annoying?'
'SEE! like now. then i will have something to say back and you will have something to reply.'
'you talk a lot too. thankfully.'

Acting as if i'm a qualified counsellor, i lectured her of my theory of ratio and balance of conversational skills. If you were wondering why, it was just to keep the conversation going because i'M not so much of a good talker myself. Failed hard though. It only got her to say,

'oh got like that want ar?'

Then she saw a banner of this lamecrap-kungfuchef-style-chinese movie and wanted to watch it. I knew i was horny because i agreed without feeling reluctant because i usually would feel so given all the circumstances are similiar with a different person.

******

Finished the movie. We were walking around the place wondering where to eat as we weren't that hungry but still feel like doing something with each other. (i think) Aimlessly we hopped into my antennea-less car and wandered around the area without a specific destination. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe the mood was right. Or maybe she wanted to impress me haha. She replaced the car radio with her voice. She started humming almost silently and gradually she felt more and more comfortable to amplify her voice. Additionally, she was acting as the DJ/emcee to her one audience concert. She started with some tune from Italy. She didnt tell me the title or the artist of the song though. Not that i can remember it anyway. She told me about Italy's superiority in classical singing. Next on the playlist was some song from Germany. Well, i dont have any musical backgroud to write about the details. I listened in awe even though i was never interested in that genre. My heart reduced into a puddle of mud and the solvent of mud and heart itched all of my internal organs upon contact. Consequently, irrationality kicked in.

Effects of irrationality are usually bad. Siren did a part where she hit a high note and that got my irrationality to say,

'woah. if i weren't driving i would have already hugged you'

Hearing that, she just slided her eyeballs towards me momentarily and reverted back to the original position. And continued singing. Ignorance of perverts is bliss.

After that, she would tell me how sopranos usually warm up before practices or performances. Usually they travel through every note they can reach in quick sucession as to smoothen the change of notes for later. (????) Then they would stretch their voices like athletes stretch their body parts that they were gonna use. (????) Then she would tell me how unsuitable is she to sing usual pop songs because the techniques are different. Coupled with examples of herself trying to sing pop-style, and then classical-style of the same song. It did sound a bit weird of her singing pop but i am too shallow to judge about anything. It sounded good to me, though. Honestly, i enjoyed that treatment of hers. She knew i know nuts about music and nonetheless she was patient enough to explain bit by bit. I was hooked, even it was only to listen.

(????) - ( i remembered from my mere memory, true facts may differ)

Planned to stop at Sunset Bistro. Neither of us are good at directions. The only lead was that it was close to the Gardens. So i parked my car somewhere near there and we wandered around the area, hoping that luck would bring us to the place. But good luck had brought ME to the wrong place. We were clueless about where to go and was approaching this very eerily creepy dark deserted area. It felt wrong, but it felt right to give her some sense of physical security. As if the devil had possessed me, it brought my hand to her shoulder, again, and landed like a novice pilot on a safe spot. This time, it wasn't a re-direction. This time, it had more grip than the previous 'landing' attempts. This time, like a demon acting innonent, i said,

'this was my first time.'

Yeah you can argue with me. First time what? that i was this obvious and that i wasn't pushed away. To her, maybe it was just to give onlookers an impression of protection. We walked closer to the forbidden zone and mutually thought that Sunset Bistro doesn't attract customers by reenacting a horror movie scene. We turned around with our postures maintained. It lasted so much longer albeit it was still VERY SHORT LITERALLY. (around 10-15 secs) But it came with a special prize. For a moment i thought a ghost touched on the open side of my shoulder. Logic catched up to me in split seconds. It wasn't a ghost. It was Siren's hand.

It felt like an angel had possessed me now, replacing the devil. I felt like i grew two imaginary wings. I defined euphoria. That lasted 4-5 seconds.

We stumbled across this human obstacle who was in our way and had to let go of each other. (although we could just move a slightly longer way without letting go) I no longer define euphoria. Nevertheless the essence of the angel stayed in me, regenerating me with non-existant spark of hope with the memories of what happened. But that was, truthfully, a first time, of a positive(?) reaction, as for me.

tbc..
******
We shared a plate of seafood platter. Non-alcoholic pina colada and cranberry juice. Favourite celebrities and movies. She narrated her favourite movie to me. Starred Leslie Cheung. She said maybe she was too young and gullible during the time she watched the show, she was extremely impressed by the show that she remembered it till today. It goes.'

LeslieC and somegirl work together as operatic singers. they have mutual feelings for each other. However, somegirl was forcefully married to somerichass. Somegirl still loved LC, raising the jealousy of somerichass. This caused somerichass to mistreat somegirl so badly she faked her insanity. She lost her job while LC continued his career.

A fire broke out and the theatre was razed in portions. LC was thought to be caught in the fire and was assumed dead. Little did the public know that he survived, but with a face so mutilated he wouldn't dared to present his physical appearance. He still dwells secret somewhere in theatre. Yea very much like Phantom of the Opera, chinese style.

Somegirl thought LC was dead. Somerichass ditched her and she became somewhat a wandering beggar. Insane.

Theatre was refurnished and new talents are sought out. There's one who was a standout amongst other newer singers. Standouttalent covered LC's songs but he was nowhere as good as LC. Every time there was a performance, and there would be this mysterious voice coming from nowhere to teach standouttalent something useful while handling the song or to calm him down when he felt pressured. It's obvious that it was LC who was responsible for the unexpected aids.

One day standouttalent had to do this song of LC where there's a part he could never master. Somehow somegirl was around to witness the performance. When standouttalent reached his failed part, LC somehow sang his parts for him to perfection. The audience gave a standing ovation, not knowing the truth. Somegirl was the only person who recognized the voice and found out about him.

and i dont remember the ending. Crap. Anyhow she told me that she slightly altered the version to gain my attention. I guess i pass as a listener huh? Oh and she never told me the title of the movie too. Or that i dont remember it happening.

We talked, talked and there was this fiasco of an Caucasian with the bartender. His pronounciation sucks, he was mouthing profanities and reasons but the only words i heard clearly was 'fucking' and 'gimme my beer' while the rest, i couldnt comprehend. That ruined our talking atmosphere. Fearing that a bar fight might occur, we left the place.

'i always feel like i talked so much more than you. Is that okay that i talk so much?'
'HUH? i felt we both covered 50-50. But you know what? Talking to you needs warming up. I usually start conversation and you will reply at minimum. Then when i hit the right thing you will transform into a chatterbox.'
'really? i still felt i talked more. haha.'

It was heartwarming to hear. From that, i deduced that she was comfortable talking to me, or at least. I thought of her previous silences and couldn't help feeling that i had achieved something. Siren opening up.

'you are the first guy whom i got so close to in such a short peroid of time. In like.. two months.'

Ha. We didnt even meet much during January. She delayed the meeting time so much longer. I wonder what would happen if she didnt delay, and why she delayed. But i guess i should keep those questions to myself. Nevertheless i was absolutely glad to hear that from her. Now i felt like a second angel possessed me. I have two pairs of wings now. It got me to the right mood to dance to sunshines and rainbows at night.

'ha? really? How long did you take to be close to a previous person?'
'four months, at least, as i can remember. I don't know if i came back here and became more friendly or what. Or maybe i myself become more friendly. haha.'

Again, I thought to myself about her ignorance or one-word-replies to me during featherfragments 1-8, contradicting to what she said about herself just now. Looking from another perspective, it was an effective catalyst to happiness because it reminded me of how good was i in conversing with her. In the process i let my guard down and let one of the seven sins, pride, to take over me. With great confidence and no solid truths to support what i said, this came out.

'Maybe we see things from the same perspective. No doubt we have different interests, but i felt we have the same approach when we encounter something. Our thoughts are built on the same basis, its just that our distinct environment that makes us look different.

I wondered if what i said did justice because she wasn't spontaneous in replying. Wasn't looking at me either. Digesting what i said i guess. I didnt bother and moved on to a next question. It felt too good when you have two angels in you, celebrating an unexplainable joy as if both of them were carrying you around the world to explore its wonders.

tbc..
*******
The next question was,

'do you think i'm matured enough?'

People who knew me well already added a 'for you' behind the question. If i didn't mention the word 'enough' in that question, it wouldn't be any clue that i was asking if i was matured enough for her.

'yeah. in fact i think you are more matured than me. you have your way of seeing things. i'm still nonchalant about certain things although i knew of its importance. Plus, you are working already.'
'you cant really label a person matured just because he/she's working. I'm not so sure about my maturity yet frankly.'

Well, i was pretty sure her reply to my question soothed me. I wonder if i believed her just because it was something i wanted to hear. If it was, at least i wasn't lying to myself like i always do, she did.

'Do tell me, how is it like to work? I know there are differences between working and studying. But i've only experience one. Is adapting hard?'
'I didn't quite like it. Nor hate it. Most of my friends are (some were now) still studying and somehow part of me refusing to accept that i'm working. I have to admit i'm not so diligent at work, yet, or never yet, because of that i-dont-wanna-grow-up-mentality. Nevertheless i believe i will change for the better as in to take up more responsiblities in life. Now i no longer take pocket money from my parents. Moreover i return them a small sum of cash on a monthly basis. I knew they dont really need it but they just wanted to see how filial i am to them.'

I hoped that impressed her. All in a sudden both of us were serious and talking about life matters. Then we laugh at each other's lame jokes which i don't think would be funny to other listeners. I saw another slight advancement when she asked.

'What kind of girls would you go for?'

No laughter. No signs of trying to hold a laughter. Not like the gossip-happy-fairy-face she gave me a week ago. (ff14)

'matured and independent ones. with a personality. Not the spoilt princess kind.'
'i think i can be independent. I think i gave you the impression that i'm the pampered kind because i'm here with my family which treats me good. But if you were to put me in a situation where i have to fight for everything by myself, i feel that i'm capable of handling it.'

Out of nowhere i sensed the presence of a heavenly being. He was cheerful, but i saw through his eyes that he was lonely. In hopes to end his misery, he approached with an offer of companionship and promised the more the merrier. The original two imaginary angels in me were so charmed that they accepted without questions. Three pairs of wings. Who needs jet engines to fly.

Why did she say that after i told her of my preference of girls? I'll pay you $50 if you can convince me with some eligible reason that she was just being random. For her certainty assurance, i varied the questions about her declaration about herself and she answered with ease and confidence. The three pair of wings were getting more synchronized.

It was a few minutes after midnight. One of us came out with an seemingly awful idea that both of us agreed on which was to go for ice cream. Angelic whispers told me we weren't going for ice cream for the ice cream. Normal people shun ice cream at times like these, and BaskinRobins and HaagenDaaz are smart enough not to waste resources by extending their business hours to accomodate crazy cou/people like us. So where could we go? 12++ was too late for a geek to juice out ideal date venues.

Enlightenment was upon me as i came up with the idea of visiting her home studio. My angels had persuaded her spiritually to think that was a good idea. But first, Siren had to call her sister (who was then alone in the house) to ask permission or inform her sister about Siren bringing a pervert into their house. Surprisingly, angels work through phones too. Permission granted.

Yes, i was very sure it was only me, that i heard this sirenly acappella of three that was breathtakingly fabulous. The three angels had such good chemistry, it took them only a short while to sync with each other to carry out such a perfection. Ironically it's sad, sometimes to think of it, or more optimistically to suspect, that i was the only one who could truly embrace this virtual ear candy.

tbc
*****
The chorus rang loud and proud. Just when i thought it couldn't be any better, a fourth voice resonated with the original three. It began faintly, and the closer i was to her house the clearer the sound became. As i allowed myself into her living room, it was apparent where the mezzo vocal was sourced from. Another angel was resting on a lineup of roses placed in the living room. A selfish angel though, she sucked all the life from all the roses and rendered herself more lively. Well, it metaphorically meant that all the roses received during Valentine's were trophied there even though they were withered and black (it was one week aft valentines). As arrogant as a peacock, the selfish angel came into me without second thought as if i had already offered myself to be possessed. The three angels welcomed her in open arms and together, they continued the song so delightfully that happy-mood-Christmas songs are no match to it in terms of happiness.

'they were all given by my sister's fiance.'
'nobody give you mieh?'

Rhetorical question. Purposed to remind her of my intentions although i knew she didn't have amnesia. My expressions were too cheeky to let her down with that question though. Siren continued to open the studio door and answered,

'aiyo. somebody here gave me and dont remember mieh?'

I heard the 'here'. (im not sure about the word 'here', but she did say something that obviously hinted that it was me) But there might be the possiblity of someone else who gave her roses too. Maybe i wanted to know. Or maybe i just wanted to hear her say it.

'whooo?'
'youuu la. chis.'

I sniggered to myself as if i was spastic. The bridge of the imaginary song started. The moment was beyond heaven-like when i saw that she wasnt annoyed by these stupid questions and had almost the same expressions as me.

She readied the room and went to her kitchen to prepare honey. I wandered around that soundproof room checking on her families' possesions. After serving the drinks she chose a teresateng song and sang it repetitively for around half an hour. During intervals when there were no vocals she would ask me regarding her singing or how was the song. Just when i thought she wasn't satisfied asking the same kind of questions, this came,

'do you think i am fat?'

Examining the mirror, she tried to look the least fat she could by standing as straight as possible. She would look better if she were slightly slimmer although i'm already satisfied with her current (then) body size. Honest. So i answered her from the bottom of my heart.

'just nice.'(gang gang hao la)
'hmmp. you're only saying things i want to hear.'

My problem was that i took her words for granted. I never knew she was glad to hear that. You'll see later. Nevertheless, the fact that she asked me such a question, mysteriously, satisfies me. Yes, that is another one of my problems.

Then she forced me to sing something. I thought it was impossible to find a song that i learnt before, in her playlist of songs. Thank angels i was wrong. The first and last rap she would hear me do - zhi zhan zhi shang. For vengeance, i asked the same question she asked me after i performed.

'you have your own style. you have more clarity than the original one.'

F.I.R saved my life again. I spotted woyaofei and womendeai on the same disc and dueted those songs with her. Optimisically, I hoped she enjoyed it back then because it aint fair; i got to listen to her while she had to listen to me. I didn't realise guilunmei was in womendeai's MV. Failed pervert. One of my angels withered away and dissipated without my knowledge.

I went to the washroom and then she suggested we watched DVD instead. Secret. Well, secret featuring guilunmei. I pretended to compare her with the actress just so i could look at her more and she would smile when i did that. She wanted to show me this duel of the pianists and the fact that i didnt know piano secretly took away another of my angels. She said that was the best scene of the movie and felt like switching to another movie when it was over.

'Am i fat? What say you?'

Hm. Not a totally positive response from the previous reaction. Plus, i'm a little bit of boschbell too. I was slightly agitated by the same question and said something that killed another angel.

'hana hana fat la fat la.'

She looked into the mirror again. Silence. Somehow you're just telling me things i wanted to hear was nicer to hear. Silence wasn't golden.

There was a single seat sofa only in the room. She gave me the option to treat her nicely and sacrifice myself or vice versa. So i had to sit on the floor. She pitied me and went upstairs to fetch her (or not hers) bolster for me for comfort. Rejuvenation. One of the fallen angels was resurrected. I know i'm horny.

I know i'm hornier because i was leaning on the sofa that she was sitting on. Well, not really sitting on, more like lazing on. Her legs and head were positioned on the sides rather than the usual ergonormical position. No skin contact. But hair contact. I didnt really recall what which highschoolmusical she was showing, i just knew that she didn't know how to turn off the dual dubbed mode of the show and we had to listen to two languages spoken overlapping each other at the same time.

Mysteriously she tilted her head further away from me. Hair contact no more. My heart sank six feet underground and one of the angels was about to leave me again. For the few seconds i thought the angel was no more, she repositioned her head back to range of hair contact, although it wasnt as close. I savoured. I imagined my arms wrapped around her. My left waist pained all the while because the posture of leaning was too one-sided. Nevertheless the ecstatic sensation compensated for the tiny sacrifice. My angels were certified perverts.

Seeking for more leads, i jerked my head to her line of sight. My heart raced like a deer being pursued by a lion on steriods. Then i saw. That her eyelids are struggling to keep her eyes open. And it opened mine as if the lion drove its claw into my neck, incapacitating me. I wasn't sure if it was a dream or i was dead, because i saw a white blinding flash for a few miliseconds, and then four disciplinary devils materialised, cornering me in four angles. They outnumbered the remaining two angels, and each of the devils stared at me, stern and cold.

They recited an incantation. They were comprehensible and logic, but all jumbled up in random order. It caused the angels to shiver in fear.

She's sleepy. If i were to hug her i feel like i'm taking advantage of her. We were only had a few dates. Maybe if we had more dates i would've hugged her. Or maybe she would look me in the eye when i look at her when we were so close, and being lost in each other for awhile, then i would do that. Or maybe she would ditch her chair and come accompany me on the ground, then i would do that. Or maybe i could do that anyway with all the circumstances that happened. Just that i chickened out.

I came back to my senses. Looked at the time. 230++ am. We hung out for almost twelve hours. It was no wonder she was fatigued. So I suggested that she get some sleep. I wondered if the angels and devils exist. But I knew i chickened out. I wonder if it was the right thing to do. To not do. However, the sad ironic thing is that, i remembered going home, happy. As in really, really, happy.

(This part is so hard to write looking at the irony of the situation now wtf)

tbc..

p.s. : ff17 ends here.

feather fragments # 16: typical rarity

2009-07-05T15:36:00.010+08:00

It was the day she was supposed to leave to Australia. It was the very same day that we dated, a contributing factor to the happiest period of my life. Yet. It beats the last days of exams or the first week of a long holiday. Or the days i get to finish a tub of nata de coco in one shot. Or the day i've discovered the song 'Angel' by WT. It was nothing spectacular. It was just a day i never got to live through again.

(boring entry ahead)

Asked Siren to watch a horror movie. She was fine with that. Dinner inclusive. Hurray for the improvement from sorry-i-dont-remember. Had to pick up my car so was slightly late but i gave her the warning. I wondered if her 'take your time' was literal or just a formality.

Played highest hopes during the ride. Black one piece dress. Make up. She heard walking in the air (one of the songs from highest hopes) before from some HongKong children choir that she couldn't really remember the name. We talked about music again, which was very surprising for a tone deaf person like me. Well, all i needed to do is, was, to listen and ask questions that she felt comfortable answering. Ironically, she stereotyped mainland chineses' materialism. The girls only, right?

Then we moved on to mainstream music industry. Now i was the storyteller but most of what i said were supported with my own viewpoints. Reached Isarabi. Parked and walked and molested her shoulder for awhile again. Hehe.

Siren hates black seeds on pizzas. She called it olive. And that only. I wonder what that is. Then i offered her some salmon and she didn't want it. Made me think that there would be more food that she disliked, that she wouldnt tell me. She didnt finish her japanese pancake pizza but she could finish the beef which had a larger portion on Valentines'. The reason is that she eats what she likes more, she stated.

I liked the fact that we talked till we were too late for the movie. Yes, my intention was to talk to her more than watching the movie. Watching a movie was just an excuse. I hoped she felt the same because i sensed that she did, but i could be mistaken. However luckily, the flow of the our conversation kept going. Anyhow, i suggested a change of destination to Queensbay but we couldn't make it in time for the one airing in Gurney. Neither of us seemed disappointed though to travel somewhere further or maybe i was bad at reading minds.

We arrived at Queensbay to the same result. As a last resort, I tried my luck on prangin. She agreed.

On the way there, we told each other of our characteristics. She told me she could actually do better than what she did now(then) in terms of singing but she was always too lazy to fully maximize her potential, as said by her music teachers. Meanwhile, i told her about my ability to apply relatively a lot of knowledge in a short time but my inability to be moderately accurate or precise, as proven by the way i handle school work or play games. We then spoke of our circle of friends that we did not mutually know. Siren complimented herself for being a patient listener to this ex-roommate of her, V, who was this very antisocial girl and bitches nonstop about her relationship problems with someone V was not meant to be with. Sigh, so similar to me.

Next we traded silly pasts about ourselves when we were young. I revealed to her that i used to have this snap of synapse and thought the dustbin was the a toilet bowl and almost peed into it. And that the first time i ate an egg tart i devoured it along with paper because my stupidity never considered it inedible. In exchange, she told me that she used to have this performance that her whole group had made little efforts on rehearsing. Subsequently it was a disaster; all of the movements were out of sync and the bass singer went out of key so badly she couldn't tolerate it that she laughed on the mic while singing her part and the crowd could hear that. Strangely the crowd unanimously cheered at them and that act embarassed her further.

Arrived at prangin at around 1030. Movie was as late as 1130. I had to wake up early to work tomorrow but i was irrational enough to think watching it was a good idea. Well, it IS still a good idea, looking back from now. However, prangin at that time was so deserted it was kind of scary to bring a girl around in there. People were very scarce and most of them looked like punkish youngsters. Nevertheless it didnt stopped us from continue talking. Somehow she told me something really private. (i skipped some topics we talked about to not give out clues about it) Or it was only i who thought so.

***censored***

I sensed her change in tone. Slightly emotional. My heart was cursing myself for bringing her into such a state but my mind turned so irrational that i convinced myself to feel honoured about her confiding in me. It that werent enough, these thoughts turned into spoken words.

'you know, i dont really know why am i telling you this, but you are the first person to hear that from me. ** **** * **** ****'
'hmm i dont really know how to comment about it. but thanks for telling me. i actually feel honoured.'

If liking Siren was a disease that starts from the heart, it had already spreaded to my brain and conditioned it fatal. My judgment and considerations had being clouded by happy poison and i am addicted to it. It was only a first puff, but it was enough to corrupt my weak mind to submit myself vulnerably to her. The rope to climb to the top was getting a bit more visible and my senses claimed that it was more genuine than it was a few days ago.

Oh and how could i not forget popcorns. To reassure my opinion on her insatiable hunger towards popcorns, i brought some again and my hypothesis was proven correct. Maybe she wasn't full from not finishing the japanese pizza just now, but seeing her consuming the nutrionless tidbits relentlessly further drugged me.

Thanks to the director the movie sucked it felt so long that i could slowly embrace the moment with her. I actually laughed at most of the supposingly 'scary' parts. She seemed to concentrate on the show, commenting and exclaiming from the happenings and drama of the show. One drawback is that she asked a number of questions and liked to deduce things that was going to happen during the show.

Movie ended and it was almost two. I dropped her home and tried to influence her with some of the music i listen to by giving her a pendrive with songs that i thought she might like (dont worry i didnt put any scream-rap-hardcore crap in it), Nightwish's Highest Hope and Dark Passion Play. In doing so, She responded,

'jiang hao mieh? bu yong la. ni mai zhen pan de ni hao hao zhi ji ting la' (so good mieh? no need la. listen to it urself la since u bought original.)
'mei you hao ar. hiao ju you. (not good. just horny.- some language wordplay involved so i didnt translate it, and i'm going to translate from now onwards.) all the songs i've actually downloaded for these two albums.'
'you spent money buying these. better you keep it.'
'i spent money just to help to the record sales of the band. Moreover i wanted to give you something so that you can remember me.'

She looked at me. Stared. Without blinking. Or it was dark and i was tired so i didnt notice properly. But i interpreted it as an incoming feeling of euphoria.

'then i really take d ha? no regrets?'
'i would regret if you didn't take.'
'heh. thanks. good night and sweet dreams.' (ok i dont remember this line, i made it up)

(Long wave goodbyes.)

I drove home singing songs of joy to myself horribly but i didnt care because everything seemed like a good idea back then. If there were ghosts haunting my car, they would hoped that they lost their ability to hear when they were alive.

tbc..

feather fragments # 15: tenth star

2009-07-02T11:27:00.007+08:00

(14th february 2009)

'let's hear you rap something.'

I was thinking of the pre-chorus at that moment. We were in my kelisa. But there was no background music and rapping over silence equals babbling. Moreover, i was greedy, i wanted her to react to it. By complementing the pre-chorus with the supposed chorus. She might not know what the hell i was babbling. She might not know the lyrics to the chorus. Idea scrapped.

'ha. very weird la like that.'
'why weird?'
'your musical background is classical. very ban men nong fu if u were to ask me.'

No doubt, it's like showing off how well you can play NeedForSpeed in front of Micheal Schumacher. Although i wanted to impress her with how i beat the last stage in NeedForSpeed, the timing was not right.

*******
(15th February 2009)

I brought Siren into Red. Toby and Fung were enjoying some booze and playing some card game. Siren headed to the restroom before taking a seat. During her absence, Toby asked me how did i fare with her. I frowned and shook my head. He seemed to understand, and made no further inquiries regarding that matter.

Red is like a public karaoke lounge. All of the customers can hear the singers, and it's gonna go bankrupt if the most of the customers are people like me. Anyhow each tables can only submit two songs at one time. It didnt feel right to pick that song yet.

While waiting for our turn, we played more socializing-type games. One of them is something like chain rhyming phrases and players have to memorize every word each player had rhymed. Among the group, usually me and Siren were the last ones standing. From this, i deduced that she could remember things well provided she has interest. So, from oh sorry i dont remember, my rejection is natural. i think.

It took two hours before the mic reached our table. It was late and we were very dissatisfied. Fung recalled us of the karaoke session on Sunday and asked for our attendance. We agreed.

Alone with her for a short moment again. My brains weren't functioning properly from the slight fatigue. I knew this for a fact because i asked her if she would remember me as someone who pursued her before. It was awkward. She said she didnt know how to answer me*. When she left my car and walked into her house, she just walked into her house without waving-until-i-left like she did before during oh sorry i dont remember. At least she didnt threw away the flowers in front of me.

*Anyhow, from what is going on now, she answers me already, i wont remember.

*****
I saw her again. That blue blouse. Fung was fetching us and we were late because they went to have lunch. Siren thought we would be eating together so she didnt take her lunch and waited. So i get to accompany her to buy food, alone. Err. Hurray? Anyway, we chatted like nothing happened yesterday. Well, nothing happened anyway.

Then we headed back to RedBox. Fung informed us that he had another group of friends who can sing well too and there will be an unofficial 'PK'. In order words, a singing duel. (wtf haha)

*******
'Ehhhh.. who pick my song?'
'Huh? What song?'

I feigned innonence but i knew my smile would give me away no matter how hard i try to hold it. I was the only one responding to her so naturally she looked at me, with her finger pointing on the upcoming songs list.

'di shi hang xing. who knows i like that song?'
'i picked the song. it's actually called di shi xing xing. you sang it the last time.'
'you know the song mieh?' (as in how to sing it, i think)

And now she became the one who was wanting to smile but trying to hold it. I was as excited as a dog seeing his master. So excited to the extend i had to lie to myself that i sensed, or assumed her happiness from that little reaction she gave me.

'you help me sing some parts lo.'

I smirked. And looked away, trying to be the coolest person on earth. Of course, i failed miserably. Finally, the moment that i had been waiting for. A duet with Siren. What's more is that i can do it properly without shame. I'm no singer. Kudos to myself.

The song consists of more female vocal part and only a small period of rap, during the pre-chorus. However, the latter was performed in a rapid pace such that following the beat smoothly without running out of breath requires practice. I had heard the song quite a number of times to know when the male backup vocal comes in and imitated it the best i could. Because usual listeners wouldn't bother to listen to the backup vocal part, i got it correct so many times it surprised Siren and she broke into a wild laughter during the second chorus. It felt like i just confessed to her again because the way she laughed after i confessed was similar to how she did it now. She even laid to the side as if she was bowing down towards me. Somehow the feeling of triumph unexplainably surged into me.

Nevertheless, i kept my cool and sang her parts on the times when her laughter prevented her singing. The bridge of DiShiXingXing is composed to have two voices singing the same lyrics but the backup vocals overlap from the first word of the line after the main vocals are sung halfway during a line. After seeing that see positioned her mic back to her mouth, i reverted back to covering the back up part. She sang somewhat forcefully though, trying to finish the song without laughing again.

After some time, when neither of us are on the mic, she nudged me.

'ehh.. you download the song to listen ar?'
'yeah'
'no wonder it sounded a bit like the original song. you can do all the parts ah xin did.' (i dont think he did that part though, his vocals in another song that he sang alone didnt sound alike)
'haha no. i wished i knew guitar.'

Yay. She complimented me. I think. It ain't fair, though. What i did flattered her.

***********

Now about the duel. I fainted. Hence i was labelled emo by my so-called opponent. He then trashed me badly with some song by GaryChao. Siren was having a mild sorethroat but her reputation doesnt allow her to bail out like that. She did a JoeyYung song and maiden listeners were utterly captivated by her singing. Her so-called opponent was good too but what she sung didnt register in my memory.

OngBak2 is a horrible movie. Dont watch it at all cost.

Siren was locked outside her house without her key in. Fung had to turn back and drop her at Gurney where her friends are at.

At night, she called me a number of times but i wasnt around my phone to answer. So i decided to feel happy about it and called her back only to find out that she was just calling to ask for directions to go to Gardens and she reached already when i called her kthxbye T_T.

tbc..

p.s: which ringtone nicer?

it is destined

2009-07-01T09:15:00.003+08:00

if everything proceeded as i desired.
then i would be...
quarantined
or maybe i won't but i will still think of it that way

today WAS the date i decidED to fly.

@ ff#14

2009-06-28T02:25:00.002+08:00

my thoughts are all jumbled up in random order
some are too insignificant to be placed there
i'm a human not a machine, i dont remember things so horridly well
i even wonder if i added something but i'm pretty sure i kept that at minimum
even if i did it wouldnt be at her part
it would just be me

or maybe i should just not publish it... till the final version is complete?
ideas are most welcomed.
although i'll ignore those i dont like to see haha.

feather fragments # 14: February

2009-06-24T08:46:00.020+08:00

Note to self: i'm delusional.

i didn't slept well the past few nights in recent time. I wonder if it's caused by knowing that the next post i'mma write is this post. My first and only valentine's day/te.

************
Yet.
************

what if we run out of things to say? what if she bails last minute? am i really that prepared for tomorrow? what if i actually try to hold her hand? what happens if she actually let me? Thoughts like these haunted me before i slept. I was fatigued due to the series of activities after the day and i knew i had get some rest to be at my best tomorrow but my own anxiety, or excitement had kept me awake a lot longer. Everytime i was about to doze off, one of the questions stated above materialized out of nowhere and bothered me for awhile. I didnt realise when did i actually went into dreamland but i did realise i woke up a little bit too early, just to think. I remember forcing myself to sleep but efforts were futile. Well, don't pity me, i was enjoying it back then.

After two hours of rolling on the bed, i gave up pretending that i was asleep. Changed, i headed to gurney to try my luck on the last keychain and to buy the tickets to ensure we get seats for the movie later. I withdrew the key chain gift plan as i couldn't find that name there too. Bad omen. Proceeded to get the tickets. There were to on screens that i might thought she wanted to watch. Valkyrie or Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Yea, im indecisive and i know it's a negative trait for a guy. So i phrased my question (in sms) to not sound too autonomic nor undecided -' which movie u wanna watch, Valk or CCoBB? If u say up2me then i would choose CCoBB.' So CCoBB it was.

Then i went home to grab my branch. and waited and waited and waited. for the specified time of meeting to come. and tried to look my best in the meantime. Now i could look my best and be punctual.

Reached her house a little bit early and waited for the time to come before informing her of my arrival. My means of transportation was a big disappointment though, or so i thought, but it didnt seem to bother her at all, or so i thought again. Like the last one on one outing, i had to wait awhile again but again it was more worthwhile. Red blouse, streched to a few inches above the knees, jeans, high heels, slightly heavier make up, same scent of perfume. She made her way to my humble little car and the sequence was almost dreamlike to me. But it WAS real. Past tense. Real enough for me to remember it till today.

We arrived at the cinema around 30 minutes before the movie starts. In the meantime she went to MNG to change the size of the jeans she mistakenly bought a few days before. I thought i hallucinated very badly because almost everyone in the shop turned around to eye us wondering if i was too lucky to walk with someone like Siren or vice versa or i was the only guy in the girl's department which made me feel kind of out of place. Nevertheless i got so cocky i rhetorically complimented myself by asking Siren if i look good with or without glasses while both of us were looking at the mirror admiring ourselves. She looked at my reflection then at the real me, as if trying to imagine me without the glasses (i was wearing), disappeared into a world of her own thoughts for awhile, and answered, 'hai si yi yang hao kan de la/both looks good'. Boy, it felt good to be gullible, i floated sky high and saw light in every dark corner momentarily.

That took about the time we needed to wait for the movie and i regreted not doing something during the previous movie we watched - getting popcorns. It was either she skipped breakfast and lunch that she would almost eat anything or she adores popcorns very much her mouth never rested longer than 10 secs as long as the packet was within her hand. She munched popcorn so much that she almost finished three quarter of the packet alone and i actually felt jealous of not being the popcorn. During intervals of the movie she would pass the food to me after eating alot herself and still took popcorns from the packet even when i was holding it. I noticed that and turned towards her and stared at her, but all that above was just an excuse to look at her. She seemed to notice me noticing her and widened her eyes as if to concentrate on the movie, slowed down her eating pace and her mouth biting motion was more graceful than it was. If i had the ability to stop time, it was then. It was magical, to me. No wonder that long movie didn't felt long. I remembered the first time we met at starbucks she ordered caramel-skimmed-milk or something similiar. The popcorn was caramel flavored too. Hoping that we have more things in common, i inquired if she liked caramel. Stupid move. She answered,'no ah' and i came to realisation that my hypothesis was wrong. I was happy for the wrong reasons. Maybe she was straving and i even failed to notice that.

The movie ended at like 6 something. Dinner time. Tried to trick her to drop her home to get her camera so that i could sneak the florist to get the flowers for her but to no avail. She said her battery wasn't charged but it could be that she didnt want to take pictures with me. So i resorted to bringing her along to the florist and presented it to her there. She giggled, laughed and reverted back to giggling again with her hands on her mouth for a moment. It felt like she wasnt believing what she was seeing but the optimistic me told me that act complimented her anyway so it was natural she reacted that way. While not recovering from her giggly-laughter, she asked why would i do such a thing. I responded, 'happy valentine's day' only to induce more laugther. It was then i thought i finally had the right to be happy but it didn't last long. The next thing, it could be mean, or confusing, that she said was,' bu xu yao ze yang zuo de la/ dont need to do such a thing'. Ouch. Maybe she's not the materialistic type that pursuers didnt need such things to get to her. Or maybe it was a blatant lie that girls usually say. Because i felt the way she laughed betrayed that statement.

Throughout the journey to the Gardens (dinner place) she held the flowers within her hands. Maybe she was compelled to do so because it wasnt spacious enough and it was kind of disrespectful to leave it elsewhere. We educated each other with details of our lives to the point that she asked me, again, why would i give her flowers during valentines. Unalarmed, i answered,

'to make you happy.'
'its valentines and both of us are single and did you do this out of respect for me?'
'er.. frankly speaking i dont really know u that well but i do have some feelings for you.'

fucking hell tbc..
*******
My heartbeat raced like a deer running from a hungry lion. I felt baited saying what i just said. I couldn't stop wondering why she would pressure me with questions. The enthusiasm and tone of her voice was unexpected though. It wasn't the all serious kind of voice full of assurance and clarity. Rather, it sounded rather cheerful and something tells me she was anxious for the answer. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe she was being mischevious and playful. She sounded like a busybody friend who is asking some personal gossip about me. But she ought to know the other subject was clearly herself. She sounded eager to know my answer, not awkward at all, in fact so natural as if she practised the line before. In fact, i planned to talk a whole lot more with her before confessing, this caught me very unexpectedly. There were many maybe-i-should-do-that-than-this ideas that i could think of later on and somehow i felt what i did was a mistake. Lesson learnt.

'haaaHahaHAHahAHaa'
'hmmmm?'

Laughter continued but no words were spoken.

'ok point taken. let's move on to another topic. it's kinda awkward to stay in this one.'
'neh it's not like that. we just dont know each other that much. Plus, you are too young for me.'

Upon hearing that, what Cool warned me of struck me. Thanks to him though, i wasnt caught off-guard. My daydreaming sessions had drafted out several replies for this situation. It wasn't really needed though, she continued reasoning to her own statement herself. Maybe it would be annoying in the future, * **** the way she elaborates things. She would go on a talking trance and give full detail speeches that fallen preys would only nod in fascination.

'It's the way i think of stuff. I don't really trust guys younger than me. Somehow i felt that they are insecure due to having a longer period of 'trying'-age. They can go 'oh i'm still young if im not with you then i can be with someone else'. It's not fair for me, in my opinion, and my position. I'm 23. Yeah maybe it's not that old to you. But for me, as a girl, it is. I can't simply go in out of relationships. You are turning 23 too. But you are a guy. Still young for a guy. Still might wanna explore many things.'

Now i'm rather impressed by myself that i remember what she said, almost exactly, but not the exact sequence. I thought, and still think that a few words are not enough to convince someone like her. Her high popularity entitles her to be more choosy and i acknowledge that. I am - correction - i was, gonna show her how capable i can be in terms of security, but it could only be done with a long stretch of time. I didn't confirmed with her of what i was gonna do. I wonder if it was a mistake. No matter now. My heart still pounded abnormally rapidly, and i came out with this within pressure,

'i wasn't asking for a relationship. I wanted to know of you more first. I'm aware that people have to know each other better if they are compatabile with each other and all before going into a relastionship. Am i good enough- just to get you out for dates and talk our hearts out?' (this is less accurate. it sounds lame if its directly translated from chinese.)

It felt like i took a step back. But asking if i was good enough was kind of brave, at least. Even though the answer provided by her might be slightly candy coated to prevent massive damage.

'you are actually not bad as a guy, so far. but i still don't know you that well yet. Plus, we didnt really dated before now.'
'red cliff 2'
'Oh sorry i dont remember.'
'haha it's fine. I actually think you are too high up there for someone like me.'

Ouch. A mosqituo sting though. Cool came back and haunted me. Siren veteran, indeed.

'nono.. it's not about you. I personally think that older people would be more family-ish and loyal as they are starting to plan to settle down. dont you think so?'
'it depends.. Maybe men would be less likely be playful at an older age, but it ultimately depends on a person's character, regardless of age. So do you treasure security that much?'

My statement favored me while my questions put me in a disadvantage. It didn't mean that i can't be secure but it makes her think otherwise. I knew this for a reason as she snapped at me.

'who doesn't want their lives to be secure?'

I paused. Too late to take back that question now. I thought of butterfly ( the him back then) but cleared my mind of him almost immediately. It was me who was asked that question. A rhetorical one though. I had to take a stance. A not too obvious one. A stance to hint my trait.

'you're right.'

I wonder if it worked. It didn't look like it did to me. It takes a psychic and a time traveller to properly let her know what i wanted to let her know.

tbc..

***********

My notorious bad sense of direction miracously didnt fail me that day. I managed to locate Gardens which i had never being there before, after missing a turn. Before parking the car, i went crazy brave, and at the same time wanting to wear a mask, for asking,

'you wanna bring the flowers down with you to show off?'

Partially it was because i was curious whether she held them all the way in the car willingly or not.

'so ma fan mieh. donnit kua'

Sell me a mask twice its original price. Or thrice. I would still buy it, back then. Originally i planned to do something stupid like trying to hold her hand after giving her the flowers. But i was a coward. And a sore loser too. Because i had give it to her in the car and we wouldnt be walking together. But we were as we left the car. Siren wasn't laughing randomly anymore which i thought her laughter might morally support my courage. Nevertheless each step we walked we were closer to each other by a few milimeters. Or maybe i was the sole factor for the decrement of the distance between us. We weren't talking that much yet, but my heart was reciting poems in monologue. Unaware of where the place was, Siren walked straight towards a direction which i thought, was not the supposed destination. Chance.

I stretched my arm across her back, landed on her shoulder and applied some little force on the landing zone so that she wouldn't go off-track. I felt a budding bliss. Okay, I was the perverted tour guide, but still the same coward seconds ago. Flashbacks of our conversation moments ago came back. Then somehow the slight moment of bliss turned into guilt. Guilt of taking advantage. I released my grip on her. That lasted not more than 4 seconds. Whether this was before or after what i did, i remembered trying the same feat on Boushbell two years ago only to get pushed away in a struggle almost immediately. Not so bad huh, Siren didn't resist in those four seconds. But i dont know her enough to deduce anything from this forgetable incident.

Gardens was visually magnificent, exterior to interior. We stood in front of the back entrance in awe, admiring the multi-cultural-influenced designs and the alignment of the bamboo trees. She complimented on my choice of venue (thanks dr!) and i replied something so trivial i couldn't remember but the next thing she said carved a mark in me.

'i dont believe you were never in a relationship before.'

Glass half full, it's a compliment; glass half empty, it's an insult. I had heard that from people but it never impacted me as much as hearing it from Siren. I was torn between deductions like, woah-i-keep-doing-this-and-i-can-be-in-a-relationship-****-*** and she's-gonna-think-i'm-the-playful-type-omg-no. Ignore me. Anyhow, i came out with an answer a five year old boy who was never knew the definition of lie would give. In fact what she said felt like a reply to what i said.

'i really was never being in a relationship before.'

It was then images of Akasha and Boschbell came back to me and say hi and disappeared in a few miliseconds as Siren stood right before my eyes.

'people whom i wanted never wanted me.'
'really?'
'really.'
'but you're so daring.'

Apparently not daring enough. or it's better that way.

tbc

*****
Nevermind the failed attempt. I had one of the most memorable and lengthy conversation with Siren, face to face, later on. We revealed little things about our lives and if i were as attentive as i was on every lecture, i had i would've gotten straight A-s every semester.

We actually met Boushbell and Zeroes (nickname for bb bf) and Siren pretended (i think) to feel bad about the encounter by apologizing even though i was the one who brought her there. From that, the talking topic suddenly became our past relationships but sadly i had none to tell her but failed attempts. In return, I asked about her ex. The more outstanding details about him and her were: zoo; he fell in love with her at first sight; helped her on physics; made paper flowers for her and she accepted him non-verbally. These had later on inspired Epic. Hence,the nickname SourceofEpic.

The thrist for her history overcame me and i asked again, if she was popular in Australia among her friends. She told me about an extremely vain pianist who looks as good as lingzhiying but behaves childishly who chased her. She added that he is a big fan or mirrors, goes on a proper diet, visits gyms regularly and complains if he misses gym sessions or the food is unhealthy. He had this crush on her when both of them were in different relationships but never told her until they were (note the past tense) single again. Hmm, i'm just trying to make you think what i was/am suspecting. It could be another person.

Then we became childish ourselves and told each other about our experiences as kids. We were quite shameless about our past stupidities and thinking about it still manages to be me a chuckle even now. I told her of my creative fear of the dark. I would imagine ghosts and spectres and flying heads materializing at specified spots every time i switched off the light. They would patrol around a fixed route and i have to perform a special ritual of counting before i can evade them... just to sleep soundly. It cracked her up. In return, she told me that she used to believe like she was some mandate of god. Like a spoiled brat, she thought she was a standout among every kid and knew she was meant for something special. If that wasn't enough she believed she could teleport. Yes, similar to the Hiro-kind of teleport. Even the open and close eyes part. One fine day (only) she missed her grandma so much she wanted to see her and all she needed to do was to close her eyes and *poof* and open them again and she was with her grandma. However, her mom wasn't around anymore. Missing her mother, she performed the same procedure to revert herself back to her original spot and.... it happened. Grass was always greener on the other side, she would want to see a someone she couldnt see and had performed more teleports than Hiro did in a small stretch of time. Finally she ran out of energy when she accidentally travelled herself to school. She said that she knew it didnt make sense at all but it felt too real, so real that she actually became more arrogant after that incident. It cracked me up.

Somehow we talked to our primary school lives. After exchanging some now-uninteresting questions and information, we interrogated each other about our puppy crushes. She **censoredduetopromise***. Then it was my turn to be asked. It went:

'So what about you? I'm pretty sure you too have your childhood sweethearts.'
'Yea...but...'
'But what? Come'on. Tell me who.'
'Er...'

She looked at me so anxiously. Due to obvious reasons, I was lost at words. and her eyes, too.

'Tell la tell la'
'It'll be awkward if i did'
'Ha? Could it be me? Kinda impossible. Let me think ha...'

Now her view switched to the ceiling. Realising that she never remembered my existence, she almost gave up at once.

'Could it be..... errrrr .. dunno.'

I took a deep breath. I needed enough oxygen to confirm that i was thinking rationally. My brain sent numerous amount of signals to my mouth to say something but most of them failed to reach it. I could only let out a murmur,

'it's you.'

Upon hearing that, her gaze became more focused on me. Maybe she didn't hear it properly. Maybe she didn't believe what she heard. Maybe she thought she was dreaming again. She wanted to smile uncontrollably but her eyes tells me she didnt buy it if i was lying.

'really?'

Suddenly my manly hormones contributed to make myself sound clearer. It was too late to take back those words.

'yea it's you.'

She couldn't resist to laugh anymore and she did. After composing herself from the laughter, she stated out facts that might deny what i just said.

'we were in the same class before mieh? why me leh? nobody else to like mieh?'
'standard 5. dunno. maybe you were pretty. oh wait you are.'
'but we didn't meet for long. i find it hard to believe la haHahAha.'
'call me a creep. your school number was 93018. you used to have a green minnie mouse bag with magenta edges. but that's all i can remember.'

Nodding in disbelief, she told me that she herself almost couldnt recall that two information about her. She exclaimed,

'HOOORR!~ you must be ogling at my boobs to remember my school number so well!'

I narrowed my eyes, reacting as if i was offended, didn't say anything for a few seconds, and the vocalist said to herself,

'Ooops~ I was like 11-12 back then. Still flat. Havent grew anything yet haha.'

She shied away to snigger. Deep down inside of me, it felt like multiple miniature fireworks exploded in unison. I imagined invisible confettis pouring down all around me. A temporal urge of standing up and declaring 'i'mhappierthanallofyou!' came to me but i was sane enough to prevent myself from looking stupid.

tbc...
*********
Service was slow and bad. We had to wait two to three hours but that had allowed the long conversation with her. My food, some grilled snapper dish sucked. She ordered some steak and almost finished all of it. The portion was big. Her table manners wasnt the finest and she apologized but i like it that way. Nevertheless that doesnt mean that i can spill water over the table which i did. Embarrasing. Didn't seem to disgust her, though. A nearby waiter walked pass and she asked him to clean up the mess (although it was just plain water) and fill up my drink. Impressed, rather than the usual 'thank you', i said,

'xi huan ni lo'

She just looked at me and smiled. It didn't feel awkward. But the next things we talked about were of no relation with that.

We finished the food and had this brief moment of silence. It was eleven something-ish. Maybe we talked for too long. Maybe her jaw was tired chewing the beef. Maybe she was fatigued from the whole day of activities. Maybe we just ran out of things to say. Or maybe we were in the same place for too long it's getting boring. Tried to take pictures with her there but i was a fail cameraman with a fail camera phone. All the pictures taken were requested to be deleted by her. I didn't know why i was so obedient.

Originally i planned to bring her to the beach for a seemingly romantic moment but it didnt happen. I brought up the idea and she frowned at it. So i resorted to bringing her to Starbucks but Toby saved her life from me. He summoned us to Red for socializing sessions. Again, i didn't know why i was so obedient.

This tiny part of conversation in the car was on a repeated loop in my brain, even now.

'You have someone in your mind now?'
'Hmmmm.... (long pause) no.'
'rejection. ouch.'
'haha. actually when you asked me out on wednesday, i didnt realise it was Valentine's.'
'ouch. again.'

I reminded myself not to go emotional all over this by convincing myself verbally. She could hear me too.

'well. thanks for not bailing on the last minute. i got that a lot.'

She chuckled. Somehow it lifted the uneasiness that the previous two statements had caused. A lesser magnitude though.

I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or it was just her trying to eliminate the silence, she claimed,

'i'm not that ready for a relationship yet.'

Reminiscent. From Boushbell. Then what happened happened again. Present tense. I would like to add two words behind to their statements, 'for you'. Siren reasoned,

'there are still so many things i have to manage and i still can't. I'm too much a mess myself to be involved in such a commitment.'

My ass. Well, thanks for trying to make me not feel bad.

I didn't remember what i replied. I replied something relatively useless. But it did make her say,

'I didnt know you long or well enough. You doubt your own commitment too. Even so, you can tell me you love me but i wouldnt buy it. Anyone can say that he/she love you anytime. But it's only words. There's no truth to it. Actions are usually different. Or maybe it's just me but i hardly believe people when they say that.'

I feel challenged. Nonetheless it was logical and healthy. We reached Red. Leaving the car, it was only a short walking distance to there. Hoping that i could promote myself better, I defended myself,

'notice i didn't use the word 'love'. notice i did say i didn't know you long or well enough when i confessed. I rather let my actions speak my words. I wont simply misuse the word 'love'. I wouldnt want to taint the meaning of word'

We were supposed to enter the building if i didnt say that. She delayed the walk, stood still and turned around and looked at me just to let me finish what i just said. It could totally mean nothing but something tells me what i said left some, if not a little, impact on her.

'let's go in.'

It was the second time i got to touch her shoulder for awhile. The day/te unofficially ended.

*******************

I left out a lot of minor details which would seem uninteresting to readers. Through this date (please let me declare it a date for my efforts), i've learnt quite a lot. I am brutally honest and somehow i feel good about it, although it is fruitless.

ff#14:February ends. Signed off @ July 1st. Took me 5 sessions to complete. That's around 8-9 hours.

tbc...

p.s: @ ff#15

feather fragments # 13: February

2009-06-20T22:07:00.008+08:00

happy belated birthday, Toby

*****************

(This part should be in ff#12, attunement. Remembered it after posting that entry. Putting it here due to laziness.)

It was just another normal day of dinner. My parents are awfully busybody. They never fail asking who i am with every time i go out. To prevent complications, i told them about what was gonna happen at the 14th. ( i have a taboo from experiences that if i told someone that I'm gonna have a date, it will be canceled at the last minute) However, around that time, my mum sent my car to repair the exterior damages on it that i usually ignored when she requested me to do so personally. Damn the... luck. My family was still left with two cars, my dad's camry and a kelisa. Considering the transport for a valentine's date, the latter would be a ripoff. After building up some courage, i actually asked if i could use my dad's car so that i wouldnt feel so small driving to Siren's corner house just to see both of her family's car are far superior than what she's gonna be in on such a date. Permission denied. I finished the dinner quite silently then after.

Oh and i bought a nike water bottle when shopping as a present for Toby.

********************
I told my closer friends that i might meet Siren after work while attending Toby's birthday gathering, much to their shock. I was warned that it might be ackward and it wouldn't be fresh for us to converse with each other with too much time spent together in such a short period. The element of surprise would be lesser. It didn't occur to me at all. Honestly, i didnt really understand them either. What's wrong with seeing her as a friend, then as a date/friend-again? Perhaps i was too green at this. Upon hearing that, i felt a wee bit of paranoia. Therefore I clarified myself of these cynical thoughts by reminding myself the fact that i never thought of it before.

When we were dismissed at work, those who knew about me wished me good luck and i responded to them with a smile so wide that i couldn't do it now looking at the mirror no matter how hard i try. A few of them told me to go back to change but i opted punctuallity over appearence, as for that scenario. Firstly i had to fetch Siren to Fung's place. Secondly we thought we had to get the birthday cake. Lastly i had already prepared quite something for the next day and i didnt look that crude at that time.

Due to friday traffic i wasnt as punctual as i thought i would be. We scouted around her housing area for cakes. We almost decided on a specific cake to buy only to find out from Fung that some gal actually presented Toby the cake. Laughing at our blunder, Siren suggested that we get some donuts because it would be sort of disrespectful to show up empty handed.

She wore a top with red and white stripes with jeans. Makeup was moderate but she put on some perfume. My bad knowledge on perfumes was taking its toll on me because i couldn't remember if its the one i gifted her on her birthday. Shamelessly i complimented her scent crudely and even asked Siren what fragrance was she wearing. My shame amplified upon hearing her answer. I wasnt told the name, her answer was just something that some friend gave her. Thus no further statements were made regarding this matter. I actually came across this thought that the scent belonged to the aqua blue bottle.

Along the way i told her about the favourite song of my life. Obviously she never remembered. That's a good bad sign.

Although we were late, we reached Fung's place before Lenalee and boyfriend. We were invited into Fung's room for a brief moment. While waiting, Fung and Toby were watching some American sitcom comedy that i didnt recognize. All the guys present laughed at the funny parts, but Siren seemed to force a smile out to go with the flow. Can she comprehend the joke? She's not very westernized huh? Would that be an obstacle if miracle happens? (last question is a fantasy question and must be ignored at all costs.)

Around ten minutes everybody arrived and were good to go. Fung asked if the group was going in two cars or three cars. Definitely six people would fit into two cars. I felt somehow Fung knew about my intentions. (I was told about the Twilight incident by Toby in distant future.) To prevent myself from feeling the potential bitterness that only i would feel slightly if someone else said 'two cars', i said so myself. Two cars. My car isn't as comfortable as Fung's anyway.

The original destination seafood restaurant wasn't open at that day, so we ended up in one of its competitors. The group and i had let myself stick pretty close to Siren. I think. I wonder if she despised every moment of it. Nonetheless i remembered cracking some crab shells for her. I will remember that moment always so that i can brag about it if she somehow becomes famous.

After depleting the food, we mutually agreed that the place is too shabby for a birthday song or a present opening session. (Toby took a sneak peek though.) Subsequently i suggested that we go to E-gate for that. They complied for not having any other ideas at all.

While in the car travelling towards E-gate, Fung unsuspectingly popped the question 'would we be free tomorrow for a singing session?'. Anticipating tomorrow so eagerly, i was dumbstruck. I wished i knew telepathy to find out what was in Siren's mind. But it wasn't needed- she answered 'yeah' almost directly. I gave her a stern glance and look at the front again realising I shouldn't be making the situation worse. She didn't remember about tomorrow? I struggled to clear my throat and braved myself to say 'no' in weak effort. The car suddenly felt so silent although there were music playing. I attempted to look at Siren again. She didn't notice. I swallowed a gulped, crossed my fingers and reminded myself to be optimistic. Luckily Fung broke the silence by asking on a different day, Sunday. Couldn't be more thankful. Now i can say 'yeah', in the same tone as Siren did. Finally i understood what my friends were warning me about.

We played quite a number of socializing games in 3G, after doing the same ritual of what a normal birthday would be. Neither Siren nor I wanted to drink, but we were reluctantly forced to do so to not spoil the hype of the game as losers were punished to drink. Oh, and another thing to brag about if Siren becomes a celebrity, because we shared the same drinking glass, and everyone else was having their individual glasses. Hurray for something that was actually nothing!

Spent a few hours there laughing at each other, we were tired enough to call it a day. Either it was intentionally or unintentionally i don't know, but Fung asked Toby ONLY what would himself and him be doing tomorrow. Fung avoided asking me or Siren at all even when Siren asked both of them the same question and teased them for possibly hiding their dates. Thank god she didn't ask me. I'll be damned if she did.

Finally i was alone with her again, shortly just to drop her back. Reminded her. Green light. Good night. It was then she told me her stay in Penang will be extended by one week. It was a good thing then. I wonder if it still is judging from now.

tbc..

feather fragments # 12: attunement

2009-06-16T21:28:00.004+08:00

The little agents of joy followed me home. When i onlined i randomly spammed 'hehehehehehehehehe'-s for a good 5 minutes to every person that i talked to. Not only i couldnt stop smiling to myself, i couldn't think of anything else to say properly without including the state of happiness i was in.

But smiling was not the only thing i would do, there were plenty more that were yet to be done. So far i'd gotten the flowers, the venue and her permission. What was still missing? A new set of attire? Yeah.. pretty much. So I dragged some of my friends, like around four or five of them to shop with me for something decent. And they exploited my happiness by asking me to treat them dinner. I agreed like very naturally without any second thought. Note though, it happened back then. Usually I'm not that generous.

Out of nowhere (somewhere actually) i had this idea of getting her three keychains, each bearing the name of her chinese character. Yeah, would be weird in the sense of the bulkiness. But it would be special, or at least i thought so.

Thursday it was and in Queensbay we were. The original group of friends were evil because they called a few more people to my treat. Lord had mercy on me though, one of the adds paid me back and another decided to have a fast. After scanning around and trying on different clothes (note that this was a very rare feat that i would do), all of them with the exception of boushbell's boyfriend regarded the topshop shirt with white-grey-black boxes as the one being the most fitting on me. And so it was decided! I've thought about the jeans that i purchase in KL would pull it off with the top, and now it was suggested that a pair of new shoes would do the finishing.
Browsed through shops like Nike, Adidas, Puma, and those mixed ones, and i've finally decided on something by myself! The white Adidas with red stripes is the result, and i feel comfortable and think that i look good wearing it. Raggy's confidence has been increased by 1!

I even purchased some hair wax (i never used wax before) and went for a haircut. All of these required me to spend more than i usually do but believe me, this was one of the enjoyment that i never came across before in my life and the experience was.. exhilarating. I felt like i could turn heads towards me with every new piece on. I felt like i could finally stand rightfully beside Siren without arousing anyone's curiousity about mismatching cases. ( i would like to emphasize on the word, 'i felt'.)

On a side note, i could only get Siren's first two names from Queensbay. Without the last character it feels totally weird to give her only the first two. As creatively-superstitious-to-myself as i am, it felt like a bad omen to me. Anyhow i promised myself to find the last name for her in time.. at Gurney.

I was still generous on friday. Lunch was on me, and two of them actually ate the free dinner from me last night! Friends in need are friends indeed.

tbc..

feather fragments # 11: anxiety

2009-06-15T22:30:00.008+08:00

The self-induced happiness was short lived. I should stop expecting people to remember as well as i do. Or maybe they can have a better memory than me, just that they choose what to remember and what not to.

Tried to reach her on the next day. Fruitless. She didn't answer my calls. Neither did she replied in sms. I even tried to call her only once every long interval hours so that im less annoying but still annoying. Zero responses. It got me to the point that i was thinking whether what i said to her yesterday offended her or not. Or maybe she was just busy. Her sister was going to be someone's fiance, her whole family was accompanying her, so she should be outstation. But that wasn't a valid excuse to not answer my calls, right? When it was yesterday we were pretty much smiling to each other. Could it be her mistake that she didn't bring her phone with her? How could she?

I intended to bring her out some time before Valentines to ask her out, face to face, on Valentines. Was it gonna happen, judging from the situation then? Siren, being Siren, is quite careless and ignorant about phone calls, as told by Toby. He also mentioned that she wouldn't return one's call, you need to call her back unless it's really necessary for her to reach you. That's her style. Upon hearing that, i didn't know to worry more or adapt to her style.

I actually felt desperate. Because she was gonna leave to Australia at 18th. Not much time left. I've pretty much decided on what to do, and i was gonna do it. I sent her a message when Sunday was coming to an end. When my phone wasn't making any sound for what seemed too long, which is only an hour after the message sent, i actually, for the first time in my life, turned on the delivery report of the message on my phone. Curious to know if she actually ignored me or didn't receive the message, i sent another of the same message again. The delivery report didnt give me anything. Since i'm not familiar with that function, i sent a message to myself and an unsuspecting friend of mine. Both of them gave me messages delivered report. The status of the two messages destined to sent to her was still pending. I'm relieved, by one percent. Spend some time waiting for nothing, i slept without realising.

As i woke up the first thing i did was to check my phone again for the messages sent status. Pending. Is this good news or bad news? Should i be worrying? I went to work, constantly unlocking my phone hoping something would happen to it. I even had hallucinations that i heard the message received sound. Sometimes it was really hallucinations. Sometimes it was someone else's phone that was making the noise that i thought i wanted to hear. Sometimes it was some stupid message sent by the phone service provider. All of these three situations required me to check on the delivery report of my messages sent to her. Or at least, the urge to do so appears from those happening. This was one of the very few moments where my phone was my best friend in my life, and as far as i know, this was for the first time.

After repeating the same procedure till the same time of the next day the message was sent, the delivery report reported, 'message failed to be sent.'. I tried calling, but all i hear was the operator talking to me. I did what i did the day before, and devoted myself to unlocking my phone more regularly.

The same thing happened on Tuesday. I was so lost. I looked like a zombie during work. Nonetheless, i was not giving up yet. So was Wednesday. Phone check frequencies were more or less the same. I was more zombie than the usual zombie i am. Anyhow, i tried to cheer myself up by booking the place where we might or might not dine during Valentines. After I did it and i felt momentarily happy but only to resume feeling down some time later.

I play badminton at night with my colleagues every Wednesday. That night, I went to play too, with the same dull look. Sultan gave me a pat in the back, telling me to think positive. I appreciated it, but i didn't know if it helped. Even there, I didnt stop my phone checking habit. As i saw the message delivery report failed, again, I stared at the same screen and spaced out for a few seconds. My thoughts were blank, but not blank enough to press the green call button. I pressed the speaker towards my sweat-covered ear ignoring the chance that the sweat might spoil my phone and then i'm pretty sure i wasnt hallucinating when i heard,

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

Trust me, it felt like i was on adrenaline. My eyes widen. I pressed the phone harder on to my ear each tuuuttt i hear. My heart beat like i was lacking oxygen. If you are a psychic and can read my mind, you'll only hear one thing coming from my mind, which was 'answer the phone, answer the phone, answer the phone!' very anxiously.

'Hello'
'Hello. What happened to you? Have being trying to reach you the past few days.'
'Oh. Went KL with family. Sister registering to get engaged. Sorry that i didn't bring a charger over there. haAhaAhahaha. Worried about me is it?'
'Worried madly. Saturday free? I booked a restaurant for two and i thought it would be nice i can bring you there.'
'hmmm saturday ar... ok ar. can. what you doing?'
'playing badminton. keep let people bully.'
'wa so miss me ar playing badminton also call me.'

Upon hearing that, I swore angels fell from the sky and stretched the side of my lips upwards. I smiled so idiotically that i could almost qualify as being retarded and i didn't even mind. My colleagues saw the drastic expression change in me and understood what was it all about. I told them what was the phone call all about anyway, to confirm their guesses and to remind myself how happy should i be. My heart danced like a butterfly. I transformed from a starving zombie into a monkey given an unending supply of bananas.

tbc...

p.s.: conversation with Siren is cut short. no details were added. last paragraph was exaggerated.

feather fragments # 10: my song echoes from the deeps

2009-06-13T10:52:00.016+08:00

Sultan Sultan. Never thought that you would so much of a help even though i wanted to murder you for a few seconds. I'm very easy to be influenced and gullible, i don't know to thank you or hate you for now.

I remembered that invitation. Siren never asked me again about it. Maybe it was my reaction that she thought i have no interest. Or maybe she never invited cordially. But Sultan remembered. I've told him once and later on he kept pestering me about going to the performance. Also, he said it's his interest to watch classical live shows. So i gave in. Asked Siren the details, venue, time, date of the performance.

Towards thursday i suddenly received a message from her. That never happened before. It means bad news. I'm a professional at getting rejected. I'd suspect it's either to tell me off, but she was trying to tell me she's sick again, and there's a possibility she might not sing that day. I didnt saw that message till awhile later, and there's a second message, i go take injection from doctor later. Huh?

So i did what a regular fly would do - call her and show her some concern. She didnt even sound like she could properly talk. At this point i found myself being lower than an average pervert because i ran out of things to say fast, and ending the conversation with the excuse, 'ok maybe you shouldn't talk so much to not hurt your throat.' I almost had a nervous breakdown from my lousiness.

The following day she told me she visited the doctor and the doctor told her that the injection wouldn't do her any good and it's also damaging, long term. However, the lineup of the performance is out and she had to do it. Whether it's a failure or not i dont know but i found myself saying things i usually don't, ' i'll be there to support you morally and see your showmanship.' (wasn't the exact words i remembered it from raw memory)

I don't remember if she replied that message or not. She didn't if i'm not mistaken.

*******************************
It was going to be Valentines. Toby suggested that i give Siren some flowers on that day. To be honest, i didn't had that thought before he suggested. Well, it was the same time that i was still rational and hesitant to go to the concert. Anyway, the ultimate decision is mine and i've decided on something, so it means something, no? Should i learn to make up my mind quicker next time? Based on what should i decide on something? I'm not given a full description of every options, i have to find out myself.

*******************************
7th February. Had lunch with Sultan. Then i ordered flowers somewhere near Siren's house. Then went to her house to get the tickets for the concert. She was in heavy make-up. Then i went home to change for a visit to our senior colleague's house, as it was still within the 15 days of CNY. But they recommended that i change if i were to meet her later, because i was wearing the only overly loose red shirt i have. I wanted to wear that color because i recalled that she liked deep red the most. (this fact is unnecessary and insignificant, sorry) Sultan was me with all the while.

Thinking about her bad condition of her throat, i bought some strepsils, like on the very last minute.

We made our way to the auditorium, and to our horror, almost every audience there were aged on the two very far ends. Most of them consists of families that the moms and dads were at least above 40. Their kids aged when they can achieve orgasm by running around and screaming with no particular reason. I felt so out of place. Siren was nowhere in sight. I would suffer another nervous breakdown again if i didn't bring a wingman.

The usher greeted and thanked us for showing up and appreciating such kind of music. Since we were like the outcast there my paranoia tells me the usher was thinking that i'm there for someone rather than what he said. Whatever. We found ourselves a place to sit. There were girls, dressed with eye-catching traditional cheongsams walking around the area. I assume they were going to perform. Siren was still nowhere to be seen. Busy with her wardrobe i guess. I thought i saw her sister though, not very sure, but that assured me to not worry unnecessarily.

I called her to tell her of our arrival and asked her to let me see for awhile so my RM2.60 of strepsils won't go to waste. She appeared, but remained stationary in her partition and i had to walk to her for a chance to talk to her. How mean. Now i'm obviously a pervert to the audiences. I wished her good luck and not to force herself too hard. Then i handed her the little white packet of chemical candies. She took it, without hesitating, smiled, turned around into the dressing area, and i felt like i had amnesia because i don't remember a thank you. Nevertheless i jumped for joy that she took it for granted spontaneously. I don't care if i'm lying to myself because i felt that her smile was genuine. The walk back to the seat was different from the walk towards her. It's like i was so panicky and uncertain at first while later, i was so basked in a self-induced feeling of achievement. I imagined all the old people on the seats were eyeing me with envy and all the kids were wondering to tease me or not because they would if they knew me. (Note that the last part is just delusional.)

We were provided with song lists that states the singer's name and the song name but i didnt bother to look at it. I'm afraid that if i knew when would she be coming out i wouldn't pay attention to the rest of the show. However, i thought that she might ask me who sung well relatively so i gave my best in trying to listen to the whole concert. I found my concentration level strange because i was actually paying attention to singers, even if they were not her.

Siren did two songs by herself, one with a duet and two with the whole group. It's either i'm gullible or my eyes are playing tricks on me, because Sultan told me that she looked at her parents, and then at me the most while performing, and i believed him partially. Unconvinced, i looked at the other singers during the finale, and i still managed to lie to myself that what he said is true because i felt, comparatively, that their line of sight weren't as biased as Siren's.

Before the finale they announced that Siren's sister would be getting engaged and they would be registering the knot as soon as Monday in KL.

Her last song was mindblowingly fabulous considering her condition of her throat. Sad thing is that i can't really tell the difference between that being bad and when she was doing it in good condition because my heart suffered a total major meltdown even though she said it's one of her bad days. She was as if, imitating the sound of some bird because i remember long stretches of kuka-s with melismatic note changes, all in one breath. ( pardon my stupidity)

When the show is over, they had this small photo session. She came to me and asked me about how good was the performance. I looked at her and smiled without saying anything too. Then she asked me if just went to yingchou her. (give her face) Same response from me. I asked her would she be free tomorrow, she replied probably. Lastly, we took a few photographs together on the stage. I never saw those pictures though. Even until now.

After the event i replied her the two questions via sms. You sing real good and its up to you to believe or not but im not just yingchou-ing you. She never replied.

************
I felt sheer pleasure. Like never in such a long time. Sultan told me that if i were to go for her, it would start with a wait if i happen to succeed. I firmly said i could wait, if it's worth it. He said he couldn't if he were me. I see too little of the whole picture.

tbc..

hit the floor

2009-06-07T02:28:00.002+08:00

Siren says:
now is already before exam...my dear
Siren says:
friend

T_____T
p.s: Omar. Explain title. Please and Thank you.

feather fragments # 9: oh sorry i dont remember

2009-06-06T22:24:00.010+08:00

'How was the dinner there?'
'Didn't go because of you ma.'
(wasn't exactly word to word because it's just remembered but trust me it's almost like that)

Fung organized an eating trip to Bukit Genting (the pg one) and Toby, Siren and I were invited. I couldn't make it due to my work time and i'm booked for another gathering as early as a month ago. My ex-collegemates were probably fed up with me not showing up to their events a number of times around that time. Or did i think too much. Whatever.

Instead, Siren and Toby or Siren or Toby invited me for a movie on that particular day. It was quite late but i was, again, invited before them by another group of guys for dota. Why the bad timing! Subsequently i was a little silent during the gambling session. I drank little to no alcohol. Maybe i wasnt noticed at that time, but i think i'm kind of being a cold blanket there. (with reasons, though) Too late to apologize, huh?

My mind was drowned in a non-existent dilemma. Non-existent by meaning because the decision is made supposingly, making it not a dilemma. At the same time, the perverted side of me was sulking deep inside. Or more correctly, outside too. Evil thoughts like ditching people came to me for awhile and dissipated in a few seconds later, repetitively. I'm such an asshole.

And finally the one asked me and my gang to dota didnt show up. Wanna ditch but didnt and end up being ditched. Karma.

****************

Siren and co. were supposed to watch RedCliff2 but didnt because the tickets were sold out at that time. Using that as a chance i asked her if she wanted to watch the movie, with all the details left out purposely besides the time. If i could remember, Toby was no longer at Penang at that time, and neither of us are close to Fung. That makes the two of us, only if she didnt brought any of her friends, which she didn't. (Thanks!) I didn't ask for a dinner though fearing she would not show up at all. However she said she had to be back at 11 to pray since it was the ninth day of CNY.

The showtime was after dinner time, around 8 to 9, with Gurney an earlier one and Queensbay a later one. Fearing the same ordeal that happened to her would reoccur again, i went to Queensbay to purchase the tickets directly after work. My original plan was to buy them at Gurney first but it didnt happen due to time constraint. This is because she lives near there and would almost surely prefer to watch it there. Oh well, just to be safe.

So i arrived at her place at 8. It took her almost 15 minutes for her to come out from her house but the wait was worth it though, she applied makeup. Not that i'm a big fan of makeup, the fact that she didnt put any during Quantum of Solace and Twilight kinda cheered me up. She did, during her birthday, though. She knew she was going to be momentarily alone with me, no? Or was she presenting herself to look better when she visits her relative's place.. just to pray? No, i'm not jumping up and down for that, but there's a slight-itchy-giggle-happy kind of sensation.

She wore what she wore on the boat and being hugged by him, that night.

The second little fact that tickled me was that she intentionally skipped her dinner with her family. I amaze myself at times on how i manage to make myself slightly happy from non-existent things at times. I asked if she wanted to eat something but she said she's on diet (doubt that) plus there's not enough time for the movie. As expected, she wanted to watch the show at Gurney. The miser side of me bids farewell to the RM20 for the Queensbay tickets and secretly hopes for the seatings in Gurney to run out so i can impress her by having prepared a backup plan earlier; while the perverted side of me intended to devise a plan to let her know of my earlier preparation accidentally intentionally. Unluckily, or luckily, neither of those scenarios happened.

As we were making our way towards the cinema we bumped into a colleague of mine, Sultan. He was mesmerized by Siren's beauty and utterly surprised that i was the one walking with her. Due to him being a busybody, he partially knew about my pitiful history being a pervert. Without thinking much, he greeted me and threw me a question before i introduced her to him,

"oh, is this Akasha?"

My heart sank. Even though the answer can be given almost immediately by me, it took me a few seconds to recover from the awkwardness to reply him. A sudden gush of murdering-him-to-silence-him-for-spoiling-my-'da(y/te)'-intention rised up but only to fade away in that few seconds. We happened to be there to watch the same movie at the same time. After a brief introduction of each other by me, we parted ways.

She invited me to one of her performances which would be on the next week at that time. (7th February 09). The theme would be CNY-ish. It's not like i'm that close to her at that time, nor was my feelings towards her as developed as later. Furthermore it's gonna be super weird to go alone to a concert which is not my choice of genres. So, judging from now, i was stupid enough to reply her 'see how'.

Somewhere along the way i told her that i felt she would be rather called cute/keai/wenjing (question @ goodnightnsweetdreams) than the other (yao yan). She commented that as long as it's a compliment then it's fine, but somehow i think she kind of forgotten that she asked me such a question. Towards the end of the movie, she commented that the last part of the movie was to dramatic and the characther linchiling was playing should die. Haha. Ironic cause the next thing she told me is that someone back in Australia commented she resembles her in terms of appearance but she does not think so. Meh.

Movie was long and by the time it finished i had to drop her back at her place. Nothing memorable to anyone else i guess. Too short. Too little things done. I wonder if it's even considered a date. However, I asked her a little bit about her studies regarding vocal, and the answer came with clearer explanations and examples that she sang herself, eg ornament differences between Baroque, Classical and modern era, which honestly speaking, i could barely understand. Nevertheless comparing the authenticity that time with the first time i inquired her regarding the same topic, i felt a certain degree of satisfaction.

tbc..

black font

2009-06-02T00:12:00.003+08:00

sometimes it is just better to say nothing
one'll realise when all is said and done

all my wounds are self inflicted.
i know how not worth it it is.
i know nobody would give a damn if i switch like that
im told that i refused to listen
but all i did, obeys what that's being listened, no?
besides, what i did to obey is actually to, do nothing.

you know what to seek to make yourself happy.
i guess doing nothing is all i can do to contribute to that.

feather fragments # 8: zero is zero and nothing but zero

2009-05-29T20:22:00.006+08:00

Spent quite some time thinking how to write this part. This is actually a non-meeting part.
Dates from the day after her birthday and a few days after new year.

*************************************
Siren never even thanked me for the gift. Maybe she hated it. But at least Akasha did showed some gratitude . Nevertheless prevention is better.

********************************
I persisted. Maybe at that time i was just trying my luck. To ask her out. She agreed, but told me she would only be free after 20th of January. That's two weeks gone, out of the one and half month remaining that she would be here. She told me that she's busy with something, its not a secret, but she chose to keep it to herself. Things that interest me usually make me curious but this time i wont let that give away the chance of meeting her. Till today, i still wonder what that is. Because at that time, i was this absolutely naive and moronically stupid guy to think that she restricted herself from meeting another guy after breaking up with her ex for a year and 20th of January was the time. Yes, this is pathetically irrational but then again i lie to myself a lot with incredibly creative and superstitious beliefs.

One of the saturday nights in between that period i remember that i tried to reenact another goodnightnsweetdreams but to no avail. She wasnt all ignorant though, just replying my questions and asked questions limitedly only.

Maybe she was busy preparing for some vocal competition. Maybe she was the judge for some junior singing contest. Maybe she's spending time composing something for her group/parents/own liking etc. I dont know. I wondered a lot, but disciplined myself not to ask. I owned Pandora.

It was January 19th. No word from her. So i did what a persistent pervert would do again - sms her asking regarding about the promised meeting after 20th. Apparently she was in genting, with her family. Originally i thought she was doing some performance there, but i was wrong but that doesnt matter anyway. She said she'll be back at the 23th. Meaning Friday of that week. Meaning Chinese New Year Eve. Meaning we, separately respectively will be spending our times with our families. I wonder if it was intentional. But that'll make me wait a bit longer, i foresaw.

And i was right. But she was wrong, about the date she came back. She onlined at the 22nd. I think we both remembered what I've requested, but acted as if nothing happen and go on with 'ohhowwasgenting-didyougamble-orgoforthethemeparks-hi-blah-blah-etc-etc-bye' type of conversation.

Bad signs. Evident from my January posts. Went through CNY with empty hopes. I was on the verge of giving up again. Ah, it was so easy back then. Should still be easy, no?

**********************

I persisted. The result was on February 2nd.

tbc...

feather fragments # 7: January

2009-05-27T22:32:00.003+08:00

Confusion. I'm only slightly a pervert at that time. Do i go full pervert or half a pervert? Or do i go with the crowd? Those goodnightnsweetdreams meant almost little to nothing. It might be memorable to me but not to her or anyone else.

My dilemma was almost non-existent though when Toby sms-ed me and asked if i were to share with them to buy a gift for her or am i buying alone? Although i foresaw the possible awkwardness, i followed my instinct on buying something for her alone, without having any idea what to buy though. Now, the word 'cosmetics' popped out of the delusional-fantasy-memories of the goodnightnsweetdreams series. No big deal, when it was then it was just a few days ago.

Went Queensbay. Alone. With thoughts like 'what-kind-of-cosmetics-to-buy-since-i-dont-know-what-she-likes-nor-i-know-anything-about-these'. I walked around the Jusco perfume/cosmetics area in misery as if i'm lost in the desert. The price is too much for a-first-time-gift a pervert would present, but yet its Siren's birthday. How? What if its not suitable for her? Would Siren be afraid of me if i gave something too costly? Siren's experienced in being chased, she can sense noobcake flies like me. Or maybe she had already sensed it. I don't know.

I needed help. Checked my contact lists for bimbos, found Boushbell (my apologizes, she's actually one of the smartest girl i've met), and asked for recommendations. She suggested the blue perfume from Body Shop, and so it is! Hey i actually smelled a number of perfumes from the shop before deciding on that too ok. And i liked it the most too. But then again me and Siren dont share the same nose.

Then home i was. Told Boushbell that i'm half a pervert. For Siren, that is. I think that was the first time i verbally admitted that. Or maybe to Toby. Not so sure about that.

*********************

And so she was 23. Toby, Fung and I went to her place first. The first thing that's gonna catch your eye is the treasure room-ish style living room, just that all the gold are plastic. But those are achievements, from young to now, something little people can acquire, something to be really proud of, and they deserve to be there. I silently thought to myself, that if i was going to be a pervert, i must be a rather ambitious pervert.

When she was good to go, we went to Manila's Place supposedly for dinner but instead to literally camwhore. Neither of us besides Siren (i think) usually camwhore but somehow the rest of us were compelled to do so. Furthermore, neither of the pics are uploaded for everyone else to see (with the exception of one for a few days). The boys were put in many awkward positions to forcefully get their pictures taken. We were not filming a movie but the number of re-taken pictures makes me feel as if we were doing some low budget film with careless actors. The waitress who served us must had secretly hated us then for ignoring her over paying attention to the camera.

Food came, random pictures were still taken. Oh here goes her trademark drinking facebook display picture pose. (just the same pose, not the one she's using) Me and Toby gave her small portions of our food. She never ate mine. T__T. Then it was present opening session. She never opened mine too. T_________T.

Then the camwhoring session was moved to G-Hotel. Neither of the pictures were uploaded too. We spent a good 30-45 minutes in only 1 floor of the building and missed a movie that she wanted to watch for that.

Not knowing what to do next, Fung suggested we went Red. Halfway reaching there Siren forced us to praise the pencil case she gave Toby. How mean. At the singing lounge, I remembered she hit a high note doing Celine Dion's It's all Coming Back to Me and some stranger looked at her with the bravo impression. I kinda like to be looked at like that. But she got that a lot so i guess its nothing for her. Then i heard a duet. It was then i solemnly swear to myself to learn up Di Shi Xing Xing before the next time we meet up for occasions like this.

tbc

p.s. : just to record the date. keyword 'hurt'.

unconventional

2009-05-25T14:30:00.002+08:00

when coffee and candies do not work to keep myself awake at work anymore
that picture works wonders.
they look so happy together

feather fragments # 6: the last goodnightnsweetdreams # (3&4)

2009-05-24T20:58:00.009+08:00

These two nights were different. I hoped for more lengthy conversations with Siren and wanted her to reply me with full enthusiasm, so i waited for that. For both nights, I remembered i moved to the other room because that room has a TV and i won't fall asleep waiting.

*****

The third night, I remembered i watched the first Terminator when Arnold was the bad guy with 50 percent of my concentration and the rest on the taskbar, hoping for orange blinks meaning notifications for receiving messages. I remembered the car park scene from the movie, then how they brought the fight to the police station, then missed the part after that, then suddenly Arnold turned into an andriod and didnt even bothered to watch how the future guy killed it. I know the protagonist died. But i don't remember his name. How fail.

When she paid attention, i remembered the first thing we talked about was about her birthday, which will be arriving soon at that time. Suddenly she jokingly requested that i draw her portrait, and i'm guessing that was based on Boschbell's story that i told her. Woah, i declined saying 'who are you to me for me to draw you?'. Typing this i have an urge to go back in time and slap the 'me' back then. Anyhow that request/statemnt/question did disorientated my heartbeat rate. Yes, i'm that easy. Terms and conditions applied, though.

Nextly i asked her about her interests and the things she like. Obviously, at that time, it was just to get something for her for her birthday. (i doubt the honesty of this sentence) Her reply? Cosmetics. Oh great. I know nuts about cosmetics. Then she said that her sis is gonna buy for her anyway. Plus it's expensive. It made me wonder though, to get or not to get?

Her favourite color is deep red. I told her about mine. She can barely remember it but she got it correct in the facebook quiz about myself 'how well do you know XXX?' (should i feel happy about it? she did that question through the phone with me with me agreeing on what color she thinks that i don't like. i'm easy anyway)

After feeling tired of exchanging informations about our interests, i remembered, not very clearly though, asking her about her life in Australia. About how she converse with the people there because her English didn't seem as refined as someone who studied and came back from Australia. So i found out most of the people she mixes with were Mainland Chinese, Hongkees, Koreans. (not very sure on this part). Explains a lot. A whole lot.

*******

For the fourth night, i remembered watching Rain being featured on MTV. Used that as a starting topic, then moved on to asking her about her preference on random good-looking artists, eg Takeshi Kaneshiro or Wang Li Hong, then her choice on description of character, eg, macho or pretty etc. TK>WLH to her. Second question was answered greedily, answer being a little bit of both. She then said her man doesnt have to be super good looking, just presentable is good enough. However she added, if he's too not good looking it's very hard for her to fall for him too. Do i need to worry for that? Oh, she complimented on how i look at that time, again.

So i went on to compliment her too, and the topic is changed to my preference now, question being yan li vs wen jing. The celebrity examples have being changed to lee jia xing vs linda chung. Apparently, my chinese and my knowledge about TVB sucks, so both of the questions are kind of difficult for me answer. At first i don't quite understand the meaning of yan li too, and she patiently explained it to me. Somehow i changed her question to yao yan vs ke ai, with my answer being yao yan. She later asked me what type of girl do i see her as, i answered yao yan too. I wonder if that offended her or not. Cause somehow i felt she wanted to be complimented cute. Don't know. Heck it doesnt matter anymore now doesnt it.

My chinese was proved awfully bad again when she used the word wu nai and i dont quite understand it again. I see the word everywhere but never inquired about it. Again, she patiently explained the meaning of the word with a few examples. The first one is a bad one, she kind of forcefully used Akasha as a subject and i'm supposed to feel wu nai after all my fruitless efforts and duration. Still i don't quite get it and she used a teacher-student example, eg someone asked you to teach him something, you really gave your best teaching and the person being taught doesnt seem to understand, making you feel wu nai. Heh.

Then, she talked about her music teacher and how proud of the teacher having a student like Siren herself. haHAaHhaaHah. So i asked about her history of music and her family background.

As both of us were feeling more comfortable talking to each other, i tried to ask her out again. She suddenly didnt reply for a period. I swore my heart skipped a beat back then. I was halfway accepting the fact that i was ignored again but she replied that her mum talking to her. Another reason to slap myself if i were to go back in time, because she asked me where would we go, i simply replied, ' dunno, queensbay?', "do what?", 'go walk around lo', " I'm not Akasha wor"

OUCH.

********

Anyway, both nights have longest good night and sweet dreams exchanges. We initially bid each other farewell at like 530, then had something to talk about again until we realised its 545... 600... and finally my dad woke up and caught me still awake at such an early time. Offlined at around 615.

tbc..

p.s.: 如果我说爱我没有如果错过就过你是不是会难过

feather fragments # 5: goodnightnsweetdreams part 2

2009-05-21T23:15:00.011+08:00

Siren is from my primary school. Just some information to continue the comprehension for the next part.

I was rational back then. Not drowned. Still able to visualize myself in the future, unaware that i'm not doing anything i thought back then. Nevertheless now there's always this thought that tells me i should done this, refined that, be more proactive, and i won't end up like now. Well, it's now, now. Swallow it. Learnt that the hard way.

Had a gathering with most of my closer primary school friends with the exception of Toby. Everyone there knows of Siren and my intentions too so it was a topic discussed around there. Let me introduce you to Cool. He's a Siren veteran. In simple words, he is/was close to her, so he have a better understanding of her than anyone else. So logically, he would be the one suggest and advicing me what to do. It goes:

"Give up. She's not easy. Very hard to guess what she is thinking sometimes. The only way that she would be with you in a relationship, is that she likes you beforehand." This, i can only listen, with all due respect of his knowledge of her.

Cool continued, "Furthermore, you are younger than her. Younger, even by months, is considered younger, to her. You can't change that fact. But you can change how you feel now." I nodded. As my feelings weren't as developed as now, I find that a perfectly fine thing to do.

Last but not least, "Maybe you can try really hard. Maybe it might work. But that'll have to mean you there with her for she still has another year over there in Australia. Maybe you can do PhD there. Just maybe, but my best advice for you is to give up".

"Yea, i dont think it's that worth it too." "Don't think i know her that much or like her that much to go over Australia." Yes, believe me, i actually said that. Contradicting, contradicting.

Then there was Friction. He adviced too, based on his results, that you dont really have to sell your soul to the devil to pursue a girl. All you need is timing, chemistry, and mocha. Spend only wisely, dont force yourself too much on something. Great words of wisdom, and no im not being sarcastic.

*********************
(i dont rmbr this is before or after the primary school friends meeting)

******************
Same setting as the previous post. Transition of 1st January to 2nd January. This conversation lasted longer. Started off as any normal conversation with anybody. Usual stuff like 'oh what you do yesterday-did u enjoy new year- what ur family do- was it fun- yeah yeah i dont remember all of them so well etc.

All out of sudden she brought the topic of Akasha up without me telling her about Akasha, at all. I was caught by surprise, but somewhat happy about that for mysterious and wicked reasons that only me myself know of. (those who know me well probably already know what im thinking haha) Siren told me she actually heard of me trying to pursue Akasha long time ago for a very long period and that she went to her restaurant to look at how attractive she is. I remembered asking her back how she found out about this she said she doesnt remember. I have my suspects but i'll just let them pass.

Then we talked about our past relations, starting with Akasha first as she brought that topic up. Oh, i remembered that when i told her the duration of my pursuit she complimented on my loyalty/stubbornness and there she go rejecting me some time later for being younger and not secure enough wtf haha. Then i denied by telling her another tale of mine, subject being Boschbell. To feel good about myself, i told Siren that i drew Boschbell before albeit not being chosen. Tsk.

The thought of having proportional ratio of questions and statements and storytelling and listening came across my mind. So i interviewed her about SourceofEpic. Got quite a number of information. Reasons, actions, times, feelings, then and after then, and now. And i'm surprised, or biasedly impressed by the way she blames herself for not being able to play her role in a relationship. I always have that impression that people usually defend themselves regarding this matter. However, note that i'm very easily impressed. Under certain circumstances though.

Through this, i somehow obtained some a longer tongue to lick my own wounds in the future. The longer tongue, being Siren not liking SourceofEpic so much* at first, then feelings slowly develop. Anyhow i found out later that this fact is debatable. *And i would like to stress on the word, 'SO MUCH'.

And this conversation was longer than the previous one. Even the goodbye session was extended to 15 minutes. So she really meant it, to me. As in good night and sweet dreams. Back then.

tbc..

feather fragments # 4: goodnightnsweetdreams part 1

2009-05-20T23:49:00.003+08:00

I know. Anyone can talk to anyone on msn for a few hours. Nothing to be particularly proud of. But judging from how unfruitful i am, i honestly felt happy. It's like the feeling when a beggar received ten bucks from a generous stranger. Or more like the feeling of seeing a mirage of an oasis after long hours stranded in a desert. Of course, these situations are overly exaggerating, but my situation is like this: me ask-one-question, siren 1-word-reply; me give-one-statement, no reply; me give-one-opinion, no reply; me ask-her-out, ignored. So tell me if the examples are not suitable, i'll correct them.

It was the day before new year's eve. Or more precisely, the wee hours of new year's eve. 12.00AM. We were both online. I initiated a conversation. She replied with her usual 'hihi'. Explains every 'hihi' i use now. Scold me if you want to. Then for the next one hour, she didnt reply much either. She was watching some drama. Somehow somebody in my MSN list occupied me from sleeping till two something. Whoever you are which i dont remember, i hereby sincerely thank you. Because she replied me after that. A lot more than she usually do. This is the 2-3 hours i was talking about the previous entry.

This kind of conversation was a first time for me. I'm talking to a singer about my singing!! I've known by my friends that i 'attempt' (yes i hereby humble-ly clarify, ATTEMPT) to be a rockstar wannabe and growl. Everyone is annoyed by it, i know. Maybe Siren too, i don't know, but she actually inquired me about it. Although none of my songs are ear-friendly, i can actually rap/scream/growl a number of songs and you can almost guessed that she asked something like 'did u intentionally sing like this to make everyone laugh or do u really sing like that?'. In fact, she did. I answered, a little bit of both. She replied, not bad (i doubt her honesty about this) haha, that's your style. However, to her, being a vocalist, the way i sing is a big no-no. She told me it would damage my throat badly. Might be one day i might not be able to voice properly. Since then, this line, 'have you heard the change in my talking voice after i did that' has become one of my favourite quotations.

After that she asked me: Why do i make my voice louder when i rap? How do you actually managed to remember so many songs? Is the song actually sung that way? Does it hurt too much if you rap? Don't rap too much kay perserve your voice to talk to your kids. (ok the perserve part i made it up myself). I remember telling her i lost my ability to do falsetto notes trying to growl. (everyone can make falsetto notes, but not everyone can control it well to make it sound nice)

Some time in between, i thought to myself, all my efforts of learning songs and destroying them in many ways are not in vain. What a blessing in disguse. Haha.

Also, she commented on how straight i was to ask CloudK the why-come-here-but-didnt-sing question. She then said i was straight like a highway to ask that question without thinking much. Yeah. Bad simile. I silently laughed at her English, nevertheless admiring how sensitive she is to these minor details while treating people. Somehow she said she's fine with people being straight to her, but be careful if its other person. Lesson learnt.

It reached 5 when we were still exchanging comments, statements and questions to each other and we (or only me) were enjoying it. (i'm convinced by her longer than usual 'haHAhaHahaha'-s, some capital letters were slotted in between for no reason or for the reason of making a better effect of laughter. ) She told me her normal sleeping time was 3. And she should be sleeping already. Nevertheless we traded good night wishes for around 5 minutes as if repeating the same old 'good nite n sweet dreams' was interesting. Well, it wasn't only just that. But. It. Made. Me. Crave. For. More.

And this was only the first night. There would be three more of these. Of long MSN chats with Siren. And then, if i can recall, till now, no more, none that can match 30/31 December 2008 - 4 January 2009.

tbc..

feather fragments # 3: the minor spark of light

2009-05-18T23:36:00.002+08:00

Do not misunderstand. This title is written by me. So i'm the only person who saw the minor spark of light. Nobody else. Literally.

Meet Siren. You ought to know who. 'She' from the previous posts. Meet Toby. You ought to know why. 'He' from the previous posts. Irrelevant names are given just to avoid the confusion of subjects.

****************************

I tried to sms her some time in the middle asking casual stuff. I'm lucky that she even replied but i received one word replies. What a disappointment. Not crying for that anyway.

****************************

It was shutdown period for my factory. One week. Invited to sing by Toby. Siren's attending too. Yeah, wasn't having any hopes at that time but still went for the sake of listening to her sing. Never knew or heard someone who sung classically and professionally. Would've been nice if i had the chance.

So we arrived at RedBox at around 6. There were 5 of us. Siren went to get her friend, CloudK, leaving the 3 of us here in the room. We exchanged glances, passing the remote control and mic to each other, fearing that she would suddenly come in and see either one of us mutilate a song. Or at least that's what i thought back then. And that unlucky (or maybe not) person was.. me. zhi zhan zhi sang. Heh.

Then some pop songs were picked. Those classic 90s. BSB. Nsync. Blue. Westlife. Wtf. Some chinese songs then. Siren picked a number of Fish songs and wanted CloudK to sing but eventually sang it all by herself. Then some Joey Yung songs. Then Toby picked some Mayday songs. And then i did out of control. Everybody laughed. I feel like i can be the second William Hung.

Nextly i williamhung-ed Bring Me to Life. I ended it with a DaniFilth-like (ok, nowhere close) scream. Everybody there seemed, or acted like they enjoyed having their ears raped and applauded. Siren too.

They then moved on to Disney songs. Beauty and the beast. Reminds of how reality is not a fairy tale.

Somewhere in between Siren did Di Shi Hang( Xing: she mistakenly read it) Xing. I melted. Someone asked me to rap over that part. I couldn't catch up as i read chinese pretty slow. Plus, i only heard the song once. I picked Tian Tian Ye Ye (also from the same band) but she doesn't seem to know that song. Shucks.

I mutilated a number of songs. The only impressive part is i did it without seeing the lyrics. She then asked me if i visit Karaoke sessions frequently and it's bad that i do. I replied,' have u heard a change in my voice?'. Ok. Label me arrogant.

That couple of songs include she loves me not. I will somehow always pick that song to sing. Sucks to be me.

She sang operatically then. Hao Ri Zi. She asked us if she's scaring us by singing that song. We applauded for quite awhile as if we never heard operatic. Then some time after that i did This is the New Shit, and everybody laughed harder. I asked her back if she's scaring us more or me. Haha. Not funny.

In betweens (oops im so self-centered) were slotted with songs chosen from the other people besides CloudK. She left at ten without singing a song. I remember asking her why come here and dont sing, without realising the expression change in her face.

The other two guys picked songs which i didnt quite remember clearly. (Sorry!) I remember I'm yours was picked. She liked it. The song i mean. Not our version, just to ensure the obvious.

At 12++, Siren's mum called her. She was doing some jingbusa SHE song. When she chose that song i was like wtf even operatic singers listen to such poppish songs. To convince the validity of her answer about her location that her mother asked, she act-cutely sung a part of that song. Gave me the impression that she and her mother are close.

Hmm. this went on till three. a.m.. My throat is so sore talking seems like it's taking a lot of effort. I remember rapping over FRGT/10. Siren whispered to Toby inquiring about my standard of English. Apparently i didn't know that her English is inferior than mine even though she studies in Australia. (backstab!)

The rest of the details are boring. In fact to everyone else i think some of them written above are. These include taking pictures in front of RedBox (wtf)/in the stairs of Gurney Plaza (wtf wtf)/in front of the lifts (wtf wtf wtf)/in the carpark. (WTF)

Little did i know the next day we would have a 2-3 hour msn chat...

tbc.

is in a relationship with

2009-05-17T11:35:00.001+08:00

cant continue feather fragments for a moment.
everything hurts now.
and she's probably enjoying the moment of her life there so i guess..

thank you for making it official.

feather fragments # 2: twilight memory

2009-05-12T20:55:00.002+08:00

If you are wondering, it's the EdwardCullen Twilight im talking about. It's not like i'm a fan of the show. It's just that we watched the show together. Together with the almost the same gang though. It's totally everyday-ish and nothing special, so you can hate me now, or get used to me.

I was keen on re-seeing her. Not extremely though, at that time. Wouldn't skip work for that. Nevertheless keen enough to show up sick. Around that time, i either deplete two boxes of tissue within three weeks at work with nucleus or cough like every ten seconds as long as i'm not sleeping (during the interval period when my nose is not dripping). Well, that didn't stop me from showing up and neither did it stop me from spreading my disease to 50% of my colleagues. They labelled me the 'source of virus', and if they found out about this they hate me more than how they have already hated me.

My attire was my usual attire, which means it was really bad, that day. Wasn't even expecting anything at that time though. I even carried a tissue box around even if i'm walking around the mall. Everyone else around me must had the hidden expression of 'i-dont-know-this-guy' while walking with me. Yet somehow i managed to not drip or cough throughout the screen time. Congratulate me please.

I got to sit beside her. Sometimes i amaze myself by how easy i feel happy or sad about things. To be honest it wasn't the jumping kind of excitement nor the smile-like-an-idiot kind of happiness. Anyone else would know it means nothing and i'm that anyone else then. Yes, i'm aware that i'm contradicting myself by even mentioning this.

I remembered, 'he (edward cullen) wanted to vomit because of seeing her (bella swann) hair blown by wind and become very messy'. Lame i know. And this is how i amaze myself by feeling happy because i was almost near to a total stranger to her at that time and she can say such things to me. Ok, reminder x 1000, she's friendly. Very.

Then i remembered telling her that Edward wouldn't have charmed Bella without his superpowers cause his conversation skills are bad. She thought to herself for awhile and agreed with me. Whether it was honest i don't know. Whether why i remembered i actually said something like that i do not know either.

Then i remembered she said that his leg was very thin hahahaha. Er. Ok not funny at all.

After the show i have to be home so they have to drop me first. During the journey we are somehow but not unwillingly forced to listen to Cat's Memory. So i played Epica's version from my hp trying to gain some attention. Then she played some Martha Mcbride's song which i don't know of but they do. Then she commented that i listen to out of trend songs and she does too. Somewhere in the middle she asked if anyone in the car has watched/heard of Phantom of the Opera. Shamelessly i asked/told her about the version that i've heard, the nightwish rock version. No she never heard of it. Aw.

Few days later, I found out that she's sick. I wonder if it's from me cause the symptoms are the same. To make things even worse she was going to have a performance in genting. She must've silently hated me back then.

Some time around there i actually inquired about her health and asked her out with a lame excuse: treating her a meal for the sickness i've caused (i think).She then ignored me. So i gave up. End of story. Or at least i thought so.

tbc

p.s. : met akasha some time around there too. then i'm ignored again. and this i really gave up.

feather fragments # 1: re-know

2009-05-09T03:17:00.004+08:00

i never thought this day would come.

i'm supposed to meet him, on that particular night, for a movie, but my main motive is more like to catch up with each other. Somehow it feels a little weird because we werent exceptionally close, we don't meet up one on one like that since we parted ways after our form six. But, it's still a good opportunity to socialize. So, yeah, why not? what the heck.

A few moments before the meeting time, i was sms-ed, 'she will be joining us'. Wow, if i were to travel back to the past and informed the twelve-year-old-me that this day will come, i'll be so happy i'll still be smiling even if it's the end of the world. But no, feeling that was too immature. That 12-year-old-me bluntly admired her for the looks and nothing else. Never talked. Just stalked. I like the song 'Creep' from Radiohead. Coming back to present reality, it'd be awkward. I barely know her and if i show up i might be cockblocking or being a lamp post. So i replied his sms to express my fear of awkward situations.

Then i recalled all out of sudden. and i firmly told myself that was just something that almost happened to everyone else when they were my age. so i wouldnt bother. Nevertheless the curiousity of how your childhood sweetheart has turned into in the future is there. Yes, im a pervert but if it's some girl i don't know but i know that she is pretty and the situation is totally similar with the subjects changed, i wouldn't have showed up. But it's her. So i did show up. They say curiosity kills the cat. I see what they mean.

I'm assured that she's friendly as he replied me so it'll be fine. Another friend will be joining us too later and so it will be less uncomfortable. (we all know each other). He offered to drive. Skip the unnecessary boring details, we reached her house. How do i describe how i feel seeing her again after so long? Nostalgic? No, not really. She was slightly plumber. I remembered I commented on that. Not too plumb though, but she used to hit A-list popularity list. Ok, i'm exaggerating here, but if you know her you'd know what i mean. Because of my high-expectation-perception of her, would've thought she wore something more according to her popularity. But no, she just wore something casual. Grey top with patterns of yellow and red sketch of a female face, dark blue jeans, and slippers. Presentable though. My original thought of myself being too ambitious has lowered down by 0.005%. And i have to remind myself that im 22, not 12, which i'm so well aware of at that time.

She came to the car, told him/us to wait for a moment cause she's occupied with something in her house. There's when i commented, with an 'aiyo'. Then when she was in, they talked. We weren't properly re-introduced ourselves since we know each other's existence. Sad thing is she didnt remembered i used to be in the same primary school as her. But i acted as if i don't know her. Yeah, officially i did not know her at that time. I dont think that i'm supposed to act as if i know her.

So we settled to dine at a coffee house nearby her house. Him fried chicken, her popiah, me CKT. I said something that mentioned the word 'fat' when she ordered her food and came back from the stall. I always wondered if she were to thought if it was pointed at her. We ate, they talked, i listened, tried to participate, failed, but not totally miserably. I remember asking what does she actually study regarding vocal and i get the answer back 'vocal lo'. Aw.

We talked slightly more but still relatively less compared to what we did in the future. I'm meaning during the journey from the goodall to queensbay. Met dog, talked about the primary school reunion thing, used that as an excuse to get her phone number. worked. i hate myself.

after the movie, on our way back, it was a different her. she talked more. first we agreed to each other that he looks like harry potter. then i was complimented physically. (ok im not suppose to take this for granted , she usually does that to random people but it's our first day knowning/reknowing each other) next we stared at each other for a brief moment after her comment on the location of Times Square. and laughed. Then we nicknamed accidents as dogs.
finally she talked about security/safety/crime rate. bye.

In our separation to our own homes after that night he asked me about her. I expressed slight interest. Knowing she wouldnt be here long. Knowing it would be that worth it because even if it works it'll be hard. Knowing i must not give too much. Not knowing i'm actually cockblocking. Not knowing that i'll actually lose all my rationality and became the me now, today, on may 2009. Not knowing if i can talk as much as i can really give.

tbc...

itch

2009-05-06T00:33:00.001+08:00

bad timing?
maybe itll all just go away very fast
veryyyy fasttt
in one moment
poooff!!!
lalalalalalalaa

when a wound is about to heal it itches and maybe its itching now

grip

2009-05-03T02:57:00.002+08:00

it's not like i can control it
but can i still think?
yes it's kind of like im not supposed to but i cant help it.

i hold on to things pretty well when i hold on to them.
so whoever you are, don't worry ok?