Far Away

You're so far away now.
I guess i can only guess
But i cant guess if i still wanna guess

This is gonna be one giant leap.
so many uncertainties
so little interest to move on
every pleasure in life seems to fade away
or is that pleasure seldom happens to me
that i've given up on trying to make myself happy

You, too, are so full of uncertainties
i guess, again, that this serves only a reminder that life doesn't suck.
yes. tell me that im easily satisfied and contradicting myself
but its one of the very little things
that made meaning to the foolish life of mine

Mirage

somehow i dont wanna receive any calls or messages
although i dont usually receive them
but receiving before the time usually means cancellation.

but whatever happens
even though i might not be anywhere to you
i'm stranded in the desert for so long that a mirage of an oasis seems like a blessing to me

and whatever that happened
i actually feel some satisfaction
and i should be thankful upon the treatment i received.

till then, i'll continue enjoying the sight of the mirage, hoping for the illusion to turn into reality

because it's different.

Where am i to you?
i wonder and wonder but feared to know if the truth isn't what i hoped for
nevertheless i don't even know what i hope for

i was always a runner from reality
always running from everything resulting in getting nothing
and complain about everything

somewhere in time it amplifies automatically
and yet i still feel uncertain
diminishing and reccuring
just like every asshole that comes and goes

more activities leads to more considerations
mistakes shall be remembered and not regreted upon
i no longer feel that it's fair to turn back the time for one person
because it's different
everything that happens makes you you today
and it applies to me too
forcefully changing fates like that is just unjust

and don't get me wrong. i'm an awfully biased person

Nevermind

If i were to vanish from this world
would it make a difference?
i don't matter to anyone
i don't seem to be a significant role in anyone's life
or is it just that i didnt make myself significant enough.
Enough.

They seem to be happy
and i can only feel glad that they are happy
and i can't do anything about it
and it doesn't matter with or without me

If i were to matter in this world
would it make a difference with the current state of i'm having now?
is this just a reason to bitch and procastinate?
guess so..
It's never enough.

Sorry.
Nevermind.
never mind.

Treasure

I can no longer yield the burden
rather i would just let everything be on its own.
love me
or hate me

it's too late to do anything right now
but i think
i'm unknowingly and subconciously proceeding
stubborn me
still willingly waiting for fate's judgement to bestow upon me.

Well i've enjoyed satisfaction.
if its taken away from me now, i'll still know that i felt that away before
that i was
satisfied
and i'll be sure i'll treasure it.

Strand

for the first time in my life
i feel like im alive
im alive~

i should savour the very moment of it
the feeling when a paralyzed person slightly moved his finger
the feeling when a beggar gets a ten dollar note

angel stabbed devil
devil pierced angel
wonder who's gonna win

Gift

One of the greatest gifts from God
initiative
be it taking an initiative
or being initiated

I'm still easily satisfied
look down at me
i'll look up on you

Progression, if, leads to dilemma though

Cross

Just when i thought im supposed to feel happy
its nothing compared to that
i should watch what i'm saying before i emotionally break myself down

its lonely when you dont have a particular someone where who can talk to disregarding usual conversation ethics
its lonelier when you are amongst a crowd where everyone has something, anything going on in their lives while you don't

Sloth

certainly hope i can stop time at this short one week
although its nothing much
but it pleases me
call me someone who is easily amused
im happy being amused
so why bother?

and when it seemed to stop
everything that i do seemed slower
not that im enjoying it
not that im forcing myself

im not as focused as before
i like being focused
but i hate the fall after focusing and failing

Hollow

i've being trying to upload a pic for like 100- times and it doesnt work
grrr!

Prisoner

i'm feeling this social prison
i wanna blame it on my luck to make me feel better
as i said
i fell
and i shouldn't try to climb back up so soon
until recovery
else i'll keep falling again with my flimsy feet.

undecided title. unfinished report. untouched logbook.
nobody beats me being a pro-procrastinator
i never was a practitioner
what am i?

One-Sided

i climbed just to fall again
i've lost my patience and fell harder
i've lingered, too long
i knew why it is said that way
yet i questioned knowing i wouldn't get a reply
i should learn when to admit defeat and stop causing anymore damage
and also to appreciate the very little that's given to me
it wouldn't be this way if i werent so greedy right?

this is so my fault.
how do i put in effort, if i'm not given the chance?
or was i given and i missed it?
i'm so losing my confidence

and nothing i can do about it
when it is so one-sided

Compelled

Question: do i feel sick?
i've being trying too little too many to make myself not sick

sometimes i thought i'm no longer sick
occasionally i thought i'm infected with another sickness that i thought i'm immune to
a few times i got carried away and i don't feel sick
seems like im fighting fire with fire
but just to get myself burnt

sometimes this, sometimes that
would i fall away from responsibility in the future?
however you can't blame me for this
nobody assured me anything

Stuck

Now i don't know what to blame
i'm just like every other typical person
i should behave like one.

i'm stranded in the middle of nowhere
i don't feel particularly bad
i don't feel good either
i like it this way though

i'm not special and i do not deserve special treatment

just stuck, hollow and alone and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

Eclipse

My IE and msn are screwed for god sakes i'm already so disconnected from my social circle
everything around me is going wrong

why do i still interest in things that i disciplined myself not to know?
is mentioning hazardous?
its going to go away someday right?
it's not like i am gonna gain anything from bitching like that.
start something
do something
i did didn't i?
or maybe i haven't finish doing
just stuck somewhere in the middle

i was told, the day that had passed, to reach sooner
it reached, coincidentally as the same day
it passed, and it was as blissful as it is so then, i was warned since ...
and i've forgotten, or maybe never experienced, that kind of bliss in my life.
why am i told anyway.
you didn't mean to lie, but lied.

four full moons after now, i wonder where will i belong to
the mere thought of it scares me, not mentioning seeing or living the day
two full moons before now, i solemnly dread
that i didn't
because i couldn't
and i shouldn't.
perhaps... i... should..

Traffic

i can, could i?
i didnt.
fearing i'm not allowed to.
and turns out i'm allowed to.
what if i did?
i'm not allowed to, because i didn't?
am i supposed to regret?
am i supposed to even know the answer?
whether i am or not, there's already one, and it doesnt make any difference
so, better keep it a question, knowing a definite answer would cause trouble.
i'm glad that i kept myself sober

a sudden thought of a child protecting his doll despite that him himself was getting bullied and beaten by a mob.
then the mob gets tired and goes away, the child looks at his unharmed doll and smiled.
then the doll breaks into piece without reason, and the child cries.
Although this has no relation to me,
nor am i sure why i came across this thought,
i shed tears.
i couldn't control it.
i was driving and was horned by a car behind.

I like to sleep but i hate to dream.
Better lonely than bringing someone else down with me.

Blaming period. Ignore me.

Vague Confession

I am blaming now.
Sorry.
I know you dont deserve to be blamed.
I know i'm in no position to blame too.

I hate it when i tried my best and i still cant be honest even in my blog.
people judge, it matters too much to me.
i've given up so many just to reach the point of giving up.
.
full stop.

Can imaginary me stop talking, and listening to myself?
Everything turned out so wrong
i'm left with silence

and i've realised..
its never taken
could i just, take it back myself, and try giving again
with or without another?
preferably, rationally, morally, supposingly,
with a n o t h e r.

im honest now. dont like it? fuck you.

Blame

when i feel lonely
i think
too much
is it that im just finding something to blame
for my loneliness
because its the only thing that comes to mind
coupled with the uneasiness of the hollowness
so, its just me, blaming.
blaming. blaming. blaming.

and the blaming stops
when there is something
anything
anything that removes the loneliness

and when the something goes away
the blaming comes back

31 - 10 =

im growing
literally
mentally
physically
and horizontally
when can i go back to the time
when i know nothing and believe in everything at all?

back then
simple things entertain me
not now
but at least, now..

what's done is done
if i were to travel back in time
it wouldn't be fair to those who can't
it's time to learn to give up the innocence
and take on the responsiblity
which, ironically can't be portrayed with anything that i've done now

let's just believe in reincarnation..
it gives us the chance to return to innonence
as well as limitless chances to grow up with uncertainties and obstacles
cause without it, life would be boring as i know what's gonna happen
which demotivates me from putting any effort since i know, its gonna happen

i see yellow sign.

Choice

Pen drive
so i can only be mediocre