Bye

I guess that's the only thing approriate, for someone like me, to say, rather than anything else.

White Flag

I'm reliving history.
I guess this is defeat.
No attention given.
No promise promised.
Ok becomes next time.
Next time becomes see how.
I guess i'm just asking for too much.
then i'm ignored, forgetfully.
it's not wrong to want something, right?
Higher frequency of initiatives proportionates ignorance
and you won't initiate a conversation with me unless its important
otherwise i'm a stranger
and everything else seems to matter to you besides me
I hate this feeling but i'm not going crazy because of these.
I needed to be somniac.

There's nothing i can do to fix this.
to suddenly realise i've fallen deep
i guess i shouldn't bother you anymore
as it bothers me more than you'll ever know.

Fingerscrossed

Did i say something wrong?
seems so.
hope i won't repeat it tomorrow

i'm not good at this
after every time i did something i would come out with an idea to do it better but the timing is already out
frustration overcomes me and it makes awkward situations more awkward
i wonder how much can you tolerate
but i'm giving my best so that i wont regret in the future

hold on..

Ignorance is bliss. not.

After receiving my results, i'm starting to wonder what's going to happen to me in the future. It wasn't as what i expected, but my disappointment slowly turns into nonchalance. This is bad, i know. I'm the kind of person who used to care. But i'm a person who's afraid of facing reality when it's harsh. Like now. Shucks.

Come to think of it, the effort i put nowadays on academics is relatively low. This is the time where everyone should work the most. This is what that determines what you do in the future. Yet i don't seem to have interest on it. Reasons? Many have been thought but they sound like excuses. Irresponsible excuses. Excuses used to make oneself feel satisfied for only the moment the person is saying it.

One of the so-called 'excuses' are because of the less stringent regulations around me now. I'm seemingly aging and maturing but that's just the word used to 'cover-up' for being rebellious. Although i'm a slob and i suck at taking care of myself, i get pissed upon being ordered to do something that i don't feel like it. Explains a lot on my negligence on my studies.

My friend even pointed out that i don't show interest on the subject i'm studying. Hm. I wasn't sure about that. I've being telling people i chose this path just to try out and end up continuing it due to laziness. And after those words were uttered, the fact, amplifies and disturbs me somehow. Then i start to think, i'm not alone on this, and there are so many people handling this situation better than me. I should be ashamed.

Things that supposed to happen are not happening to me. Maybe its not even supposed to happen anyway. I can list out a few reasons of it not happening though, namely my incompetence. Immaturely, i demand that exposure so that i feel that i have a life or a purpose. However, for that, determination-dedication-perservance-etc are needed. I lack that and i need that.

Then, when there's a large duration of associations not happening, more attention will be given. Questions will be asked. Lameasswhodoesntknowhowtojoke me can even induce laughter. Then, when the duration's shorter, i'm starting to feel what i'm supposed to feel. Blah, i don't deserve to complain too as efforts made by me are relatively low.

I wish i can be understood. Well, it's almost impossible. Guess i'm just too lonely.

Now I see the times they changed
Leaving doesnt seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
KoЯn- Alone I Break

Chorus of one of my all time favourite songs. There's a reason why it's there.

Dawn

there's always a time when everything goes wrong
the time is now
it didn't matter that much though
i wasn't so prepared for it

upon that i went emotional for awhile
yes, i still am that immature irrational freak but i have a faster recovery rate
and im so glad i replied that way
only to be replied after another few attempts of initiative

but this chain reacts to other things
other things that matter and shouldn't be affected like this

i need things that make me happy
there's gotta be more to life that's worth living for
nothing's interesting lately.

there'll be sunshine after darkness
all i need to do is to wait for the dawn

-random

x13.

1. i'm depressed. because i just had a fish courdon bleu, a bowl of mushroom soup, a super-cute-mini chocolate cupcake and 3 scoops of ice-cream! Good food never ceased to make me fat! Noooooo~

2. I can't seem to hear very well. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me but i'm slightly deaf by nature. I hate people talking blurly and softly and refuse to repeat. if you were to do that to me, i will definitely take revenge by saying something blurly too, to make you feel what i feel. and i dont have a girlfriend! wuuuuuu~

3. james patterson and butterfly made me write like 'adrenaline'. teo zhi jing made me write like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

4. sometimes i wish i was a girl so i could be a beautiful girl. i like to be a pretty girl and get initiated by boys. hmm, okay, im not gay. but i wanna know how it feels to be stalked by someone the way i stalk someone.

5. i think i'm averagely smart. and yes, im honest yet humble. I'm extremely lazy though. That explains my current body figure.

6. i like lina the most at the moment though. MYMlLevenT is my idol.

7. i was never hugged romantically. i yearn to know what it feels.

8. i almost never buy clothes. i can wear antics or museum collections to public places. i don't think i know how to feel ashamed. The saying, 'changing relationship status like changing clothes' applies to me too. i wonder why i'm always single. sigh.

9. only dota players and a few weirdos know i like purple. when i was small i used to like green, then when i was primary, blue. i know, i'm weird.

10. i melt hearing female operatic/rock-ish voices singing along with heavy riffs and classical instruments. guess that made me a minority favouring bands like Within Temptation, Nightwish, Epica etc. oh the yums~

11. My favourite animes/mangas are death note, code geass and one piece.

12. Cradle of Flith - Nympethatime, Good God - Korn, Mudvayne - Happy are my favourite songs to scream when i'm emo. and suddenly i fell in love with within temptation's all i need & blue eyes, epica's mother of light and leaves' eye's elegy.

13. i guess i can't differientiate love and lust. girls i approach tend to think im perverted. *frowns*

Energize Me

I seem to not understand any of you. Efforts of trying to are obvious and fruitless. Backing off seems righteous and the only thing to do. I feel like a loser in whatsoever actions i do. In fact, i will be a loser either way. This life is not worth living.

Where is my fear of failing? Where is my inspiration to strife? I hope it is not broken beyond repair. It is just the way it is.

Make me think about it. Make me care. Make me do something. Make me good.
Maybe i should start by deleting my warcraft 3.

Almost everyone's on gear 3. I'm still stuck on gear 1. My engine sucks.

But it's not blown yet. It's not blown.

melikeyafterforever

Make It Happen

I hope i've gathered enough pieces of myself
to start something.
being doing nothing and hoping for something
will eventually get nothing in return
so, start something.


I don't think i'm motivated or inspired to do it
but hell, i dont care anymore

Adrenaline

It was 10.48a.m.
My windows media player was playing 'between angels and insect' so loudly that i have to lower down the volume when my saviour called.

'...' (background noise)
'oi where the hell r u? it's going to be eleven'

HUH? it's going to be eleven, so? The thought of a potential prank came across my mind. The exam's supposed to be at four right?
Then it hit me. I realised i only relied on my friends telling me when and where the examination area is. For the past three papers i've got to know the exact venue of the exam a few minutes before exam. This fact didn't bother me and somehow unknowningly i ASSUMED the last paper's gonna start at four. Yeah, somehow assumed.

My saviour sounded frantic. I almost awarded him an Oscar if i am the judge until i realised i'm not a celebrity and i won't be punk'd.

'uh.. Huh?'
' aren't you coming for the exams? it's eleven u know.'
' ha?'
(short pause)
' OMG I'M COMING I'M COMING!'

How could this be happening? If you gonna call me a stupid moron, i'll totally agree with you. What if i'm late for exams? Would i be allowed to enter the room? Do i know enough to take the exams? I looked at the line of balance graph that i was practising since 15 minutes ago and then realised i should get my ass up and start heading to college. And i didn't bath. Or brush my teeth. Or change the PJs that i was wearing. Oh well i did change my pants and wore underwear. But fuck. I'm late. I'm late. I'm late. For exams.

I checked the time. 10.51a.m. Usually a ride to college takes me 20 minutes. Approximately. Somehow i managed to remember to bring all of the essential tools to take the exam. My wallet with my student ID. My pencil box with only 1 functional pen that is almost depleting of ink, my favourite pencil,and another ruler someone mistakenly gave me. (The other spare pen was used for the 15 minutes practise and unintentionally left out with a ruler, too). My calculator. My bag and my bottle too. (they are useless at THAT moment, though).

As i reached for my car keys, i remembered that i DONT KNOW where the exam location is, and no one's gonna tell me when i reach there since no handphones are allowed when the test commences. I called my saviour, again, again.

"Where is the exam?"
"509. Where are you?"
"HOME!"

i was multitasking making the call and reversing my car out from my house AND I CANT CLOSE MY AUTOMATIC GATE. Tried with the remote for a few attempts but to no avail, then i came out from the car to reach for the 'close-gate-button' that is beside the bell, the result is the same. Why is this happening now? If i left my door open what would happen to the house? Do i call my parents now? I instantly ran back to the inner door and locked it with a padlock that i didnt lock to save time to slightly save my house.

I'm going to ignore you, 24 Jln Tembaga, for two hours, then i'll be back k? I drove away, trying not to think about the gate but instead, the exams i'm late going to be late for, one minute already. Anyhow, i managed to think of both, throughout the journey.

' (guitar riff sound) '
One New Message:
"Room 509"
Aw.. How sweet of you. Probably just to remind me where to go to in case i forget the room number when i reach there.

Emotionally i drove. For a few instances my speedometer hit 120 km/h but i had to slow down as the vehicle in front of me seem to be moving like a snail. I felt like winding down the window and yell at the front person "IM LATE FOR EXAMS!" but luckily, no, i didnt. The thought of putting up a siren, horning non stop, passing through red lights, and putting up a sign on my car MAKE WAY IM LATE FOR EXAMS came to me. I even felt like fate's treating me cruelly for making every traffic light i reach a red light. And they were green when i'm approaching from far. Each time i stopped on a traffic light i felt like time is moving awfully slow. Ironically the feeling changes when i looked at the car clock. I felt like the clock is ticking awfully fast. Reality hates lazy and nonchalant people.

Will there be a place to park my car? Am i going to be penalised for being late? What the hell is total float again? What's gonna happen to my house? If i flunked this subject what would i tell my parents?

Then, then, THEN, i reached. I planned to be this very inconsiderate person who parks his car blocking a random stranger's car for two hours so i can take my exam in time but its already not in time. Yeah, for two hours only. However,

PGV8387!

As she's my classmate she's gonna take the exam like when i do, i felt more comfortable placing my car behind her car. I don't want to see scratches or a paper that says "YOU SUCK AT PARKING" clipped within the wiper of my car.

So i ran. Up the stairs. To the lift. 5. And so i ran again. I think i'm faster than the lift. and i checked the time at fifth floor. 11.09. 9 minutes late. 1 hour and 50 minutes do to my exams. In PJs.

And i managed to finish the paper. I feel like superman.

special thanks to
lba as my saviour, kkc for giving me an xtra ruler, lsm for giving me an xtra pen, tzj for making me do the pass year 2 weeks ago, ysk for asking me 2 do the other pass years so that i sat beside my phone, gwj for parking her car somewhere near the stairs.

Paranoid Delusion

being taking everything for granted
being dreaming fantasy within reality

this temporary bliss
might come to an end
or has already came to the end

time to wake up
from hoping-for-things-to-come-to-me-without-me-doing-anything
and worry on things that matters
than things that matters to an extend only.

i'm so deluded i feel sorry for myself

but i'm grateful for being made felt this way.

Easily Satisifed

easily satisfied
just because i was never really happy
i hope that i've found somewhere or someone to belong to
but that's just selfish
seems like i wanna drag someone down to share my misery

i'm not such a bad talker am i?
timing's not right
i felt wrong to feel agitated upon not receiving the attention i expected so
and now i learn to differentiate the so-called 'timing'
have i truly mastered identifying the very slight changes?

everything in this world, goes by the same cycle, just different techniques, different approaches
when you drift, you gotta know how much brake you need to apply, how much speed is needed to be maintained such that the car doesnt slow down too much, how sharp the turning is, what gear to change for big or small turns etc.
when you study, you gotta know what can you properly perform yourself, how well you could calculate or memorize or comprehend, how long can you concentrate and how many times of practices needed etc.
when you wanna live long, you gotta know what should be eaten and what shouldn't, how long your body can take exercising, the times you should eat or not, the nutrition content of the food etc.
even when you games, you gotta know what gives you an advantage, what brings you to the condition of the advantage, what are the specifications of your every skill, the limit of yourself and how you have to overcome your weakness etc.

so when it comes to trying not to feel this way, what should be done?

when you wanna socialize, you gotta know which group you can easily belong to, what to say to trigger a sucessful joke, what to say to make your point clear, what not to say that makes situations awkward, when to listen when someone speaks up, what not to say to avoid unforeseen consequences, what constructive advices to give when it's time to aid mentally, what annoying naggings to avoid conflicts among individuals, when and when not to judge, etc.

a thanks to all the people who made me realise this

change in writing style huh?
screamos now makes me cough
God must've hated me singing
Well, it aint strange since i tried singing CoF
i'm a free thinker btw

(haven't being able to write the usual way, this entry is just a filler)

Torn

It didnt turn out as i expect to be
Different opinions
i'm pinned in between

i didn't do anything wrong
i didn't do anything that offend others
why am i still looked down at?

anyway
thanks for noticing
and pitying that i was used

and anyway
thanks for being the very few people talking to me
its being lonely, these days

i dread monday

If Only

if only he had let me fetch him
if only he went instead of sleeping at home
if only he didnt correct me when i say its one way street OUT from penang road
if only he told me no, but its near there
if only he didnt mention upr or the road arcs
if only the handsfree is louder
if only the phone loudspeaker is louder
if only i have some self confidence
if only i do not need to rely on people
..
blaming. Pointing fingers. Stop that.
but i wasnt issued a ticket
black fat cop did requested to look at my driving license
am i supposed to sign anything? i didnt.

mine, died, and i dont know why
i made yours died too and i dont know why
its stupid to feel this way
im innocent
why do i feel guilty
and when i thought its ok since the interest died, it happened again
im not following
im too pissed to follow
why do i have to pay for things that's not my fault?
i said i would and im told no need for awhile and then now?
maybe not the right timing.
im pissed at the moment.
sorry for not replying

fuck you for taking advantage
how could you forget when you just did it
but why am i letting you
maybe im too lonely that i dont mind being taken advantage for extra social behaviour
but then i have to know the fact that i can give
just that those that i wanna give to doesnt want to take
and still i have to give

and i thought the awkwardness cooled down.
why cant i follow to buy things?
excuses.
at least im not expecting so much now

my right hand and legs are growing red jellyish spots that slightly itches and slightly hurts upon contact.
i look like im diabetic
my cough has not stopped for three weeks
my inner right jaw or gum pains when i open my mouth too wide
my new phone keeps having bugs that im wondering if its a prototype product.

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG TO DESERVE ALL OF THESE?
its gonna be better tomorrow.

Swarmed

Memoirs of a Loner

930 am wake up and eat
945 am play nfs underground.
1130am completed the game (started 1 week ago, playing on n off). sleep.
115pm wake up and lunch
130pm lie on bed and do nothing
230pm lie on bed and listen to music
430pm mass download new songs
630pm dinner
800pm listen to music. again.
1000pm watch some kiddo movie - stormbreaker. nth else better to do. hate it tho.
1130pm watch gay youtube videos
now.am typing this blog.

......................

Self satisfaction

backspace.
being pressing it so many times i dont really know what should i say
when there's nothing to say just say nothing
i find myself saying nothing but crap just to fill time
when will this end?

i.no.longer.know.what.to.feel.
i observed
the people around me
they laugh
they grumble
they feel accompanied
they say things that happen to them rather than nonsense which i usually say
im craving to feel accompanied
i grumbled so much i dunno what to grumble anymore
so i laugh

i'm holding on
to nobody but myself
i can't blame the environment that brought me up
i chose many things myself
the feeling of regret is just an obstacle or a demoralizer
people still gotta live on with their lives
so do i.

just another year.
happy new year.
i believe you i believe
I can feel you all around me
Thickening the air I'm breathing
Holding on to what I'm feeling
Savoring this heart that's healed
this is gonna be my new ringtone
my 6101 sucks playing anything
i should sometimes do things to satisfy.myself.
so,
http://www.mobile88.com/mobilegallery/specification.asp?pg=spec&prodid=20680&cat=1
ur gonna be mine

Public Monologue

For this very moment
i feel like locking myself up in a room and not talk to anybody
and enjoy things myself
i wanna lie on the bed
and look at the ceiling
and do nothing

i'm slightly tired i think
not physically
nor in a way that i can describe
i hereby apologize to the victims of the antisocial me
whether you see it or not
whether you feel it or not

i just came back from KL two days ago. I'm going Thailand later.
i had fun. i must say. thanks.

Neutralise

i almost cried pride.
i dont know.
i deserved to be laughed at.
why are you trying to make fun of me?
you think its funny what the fuck you think its doing to me?

i've poured enough alkaline to neutralize the acid
did i pour too much?
i felt like i did.

i think i've gathered enough strength to make another step again.
and i should look at where am i going.
so i wont fall. again.

Nata de Coco

i'm a sin
when i go i should go all out.
hestitating.sucks.
i deserve the ignorance
well, it doesnt really bother me and i've learnt a lesson.

and the blaming goes away for now
and, i've grown, for now..
i know, the blaming is gonna come back someday
and, i'll shrink, for that moment.
let's just hope that i grow.

Ah, and there are times when i feel i don't wanna grow up at all.
I love the irony
that's why i like chewing nata de coco
The surface seems firm and yet so soft
It could be easily broken into pieces and yet it stays so rigid
It's feels juicy and is made of fibre
It's processed from coconut and contains no oil
I can eat it even if im full

even if im full..
when would i, be filled?

Miss

omfg
i can remember &**^^*@)
i can remember *&!)@^)&%!%@
i can remember )!^$&^*)#(
but i cant remember !)@^
for twelve hours in my life i thought today was oct 25th!
luckily project:FS was cancelled
luckily i wasn't picked
i'm losing my pride of remembering numbers
i feel so ashamed of myself

*Stabs myself to death

*Reincarnates and stab myself to death again