Ignorance is bliss. not.

After receiving my results, i'm starting to wonder what's going to happen to me in the future. It wasn't as what i expected, but my disappointment slowly turns into nonchalance. This is bad, i know. I'm the kind of person who used to care. But i'm a person who's afraid of facing reality when it's harsh. Like now. Shucks.

Come to think of it, the effort i put nowadays on academics is relatively low. This is the time where everyone should work the most. This is what that determines what you do in the future. Yet i don't seem to have interest on it. Reasons? Many have been thought but they sound like excuses. Irresponsible excuses. Excuses used to make oneself feel satisfied for only the moment the person is saying it.

One of the so-called 'excuses' are because of the less stringent regulations around me now. I'm seemingly aging and maturing but that's just the word used to 'cover-up' for being rebellious. Although i'm a slob and i suck at taking care of myself, i get pissed upon being ordered to do something that i don't feel like it. Explains a lot on my negligence on my studies.

My friend even pointed out that i don't show interest on the subject i'm studying. Hm. I wasn't sure about that. I've being telling people i chose this path just to try out and end up continuing it due to laziness. And after those words were uttered, the fact, amplifies and disturbs me somehow. Then i start to think, i'm not alone on this, and there are so many people handling this situation better than me. I should be ashamed.

Things that supposed to happen are not happening to me. Maybe its not even supposed to happen anyway. I can list out a few reasons of it not happening though, namely my incompetence. Immaturely, i demand that exposure so that i feel that i have a life or a purpose. However, for that, determination-dedication-perservance-etc are needed. I lack that and i need that.

Then, when there's a large duration of associations not happening, more attention will be given. Questions will be asked. Lameasswhodoesntknowhowtojoke me can even induce laughter. Then, when the duration's shorter, i'm starting to feel what i'm supposed to feel. Blah, i don't deserve to complain too as efforts made by me are relatively low.

I wish i can be understood. Well, it's almost impossible. Guess i'm just too lonely.

Now I see the times they changed
Leaving doesnt seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
KoЯn- Alone I Break

Chorus of one of my all time favourite songs. There's a reason why it's there.

Dawn

there's always a time when everything goes wrong
the time is now
it didn't matter that much though
i wasn't so prepared for it

upon that i went emotional for awhile
yes, i still am that immature irrational freak but i have a faster recovery rate
and im so glad i replied that way
only to be replied after another few attempts of initiative

but this chain reacts to other things
other things that matter and shouldn't be affected like this

i need things that make me happy
there's gotta be more to life that's worth living for
nothing's interesting lately.

there'll be sunshine after darkness
all i need to do is to wait for the dawn

because it's different.

Where am i to you?
i wonder and wonder but feared to know if the truth isn't what i hoped for
nevertheless i don't even know what i hope for

i was always a runner from reality
always running from everything resulting in getting nothing
and complain about everything

somewhere in time it amplifies automatically
and yet i still feel uncertain
diminishing and reccuring
just like every asshole that comes and goes

more activities leads to more considerations
mistakes shall be remembered and not regreted upon
i no longer feel that it's fair to turn back the time for one person
because it's different
everything that happens makes you you today
and it applies to me too
forcefully changing fates like that is just unjust

and don't get me wrong. i'm an awfully biased person

-random

x13.

1. i'm depressed. because i just had a fish courdon bleu, a bowl of mushroom soup, a super-cute-mini chocolate cupcake and 3 scoops of ice-cream! Good food never ceased to make me fat! Noooooo~

2. I can't seem to hear very well. i don't know what the hell is wrong with me but i'm slightly deaf by nature. I hate people talking blurly and softly and refuse to repeat. if you were to do that to me, i will definitely take revenge by saying something blurly too, to make you feel what i feel. and i dont have a girlfriend! wuuuuuu~

3. james patterson and butterfly made me write like 'adrenaline'. teo zhi jing made me write like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13.

4. sometimes i wish i was a girl so i could be a beautiful girl. i like to be a pretty girl and get initiated by boys. hmm, okay, im not gay. but i wanna know how it feels to be stalked by someone the way i stalk someone.

5. i think i'm averagely smart. and yes, im honest yet humble. I'm extremely lazy though. That explains my current body figure.

6. i like lina the most at the moment though. MYMlLevenT is my idol.

7. i was never hugged romantically. i yearn to know what it feels.

8. i almost never buy clothes. i can wear antics or museum collections to public places. i don't think i know how to feel ashamed. The saying, 'changing relationship status like changing clothes' applies to me too. i wonder why i'm always single. sigh.

9. only dota players and a few weirdos know i like purple. when i was small i used to like green, then when i was primary, blue. i know, i'm weird.

10. i melt hearing female operatic/rock-ish voices singing along with heavy riffs and classical instruments. guess that made me a minority favouring bands like Within Temptation, Nightwish, Epica etc. oh the yums~

11. My favourite animes/mangas are death note, code geass and one piece.

12. Cradle of Flith - Nympethatime, Good God - Korn, Mudvayne - Happy are my favourite songs to scream when i'm emo. and suddenly i fell in love with within temptation's all i need & blue eyes, epica's mother of light and leaves' eye's elegy.

13. i guess i can't differientiate love and lust. girls i approach tend to think im perverted. *frowns*

Energize Me

I seem to not understand any of you. Efforts of trying to are obvious and fruitless. Backing off seems righteous and the only thing to do. I feel like a loser in whatsoever actions i do. In fact, i will be a loser either way. This life is not worth living.

Where is my fear of failing? Where is my inspiration to strife? I hope it is not broken beyond repair. It is just the way it is.

Make me think about it. Make me care. Make me do something. Make me good.
Maybe i should start by deleting my warcraft 3.

Almost everyone's on gear 3. I'm still stuck on gear 1. My engine sucks.

But it's not blown yet. It's not blown.

melikeyafterforever

Make It Happen

I hope i've gathered enough pieces of myself
to start something.
being doing nothing and hoping for something
will eventually get nothing in return
so, start something.


I don't think i'm motivated or inspired to do it
but hell, i dont care anymore

Nevermind

If i were to vanish from this world
would it make a difference?
i don't matter to anyone
i don't seem to be a significant role in anyone's life
or is it just that i didnt make myself significant enough.
Enough.

They seem to be happy
and i can only feel glad that they are happy
and i can't do anything about it
and it doesn't matter with or without me

If i were to matter in this world
would it make a difference with the current state of i'm having now?
is this just a reason to bitch and procastinate?
guess so..
It's never enough.

Sorry.
Nevermind.
never mind.