Paranoid Delusion

being taking everything for granted
being dreaming fantasy within reality

this temporary bliss
might come to an end
or has already came to the end

time to wake up
from hoping-for-things-to-come-to-me-without-me-doing-anything
and worry on things that matters
than things that matters to an extend only.

i'm so deluded i feel sorry for myself

but i'm grateful for being made felt this way.

Strand

for the first time in my life
i feel like im alive
im alive~

i should savour the very moment of it
the feeling when a paralyzed person slightly moved his finger
the feeling when a beggar gets a ten dollar note

angel stabbed devil
devil pierced angel
wonder who's gonna win

Gift

One of the greatest gifts from God
initiative
be it taking an initiative
or being initiated

I'm still easily satisfied
look down at me
i'll look up on you

Progression, if, leads to dilemma though

Easily Satisifed

easily satisfied
just because i was never really happy
i hope that i've found somewhere or someone to belong to
but that's just selfish
seems like i wanna drag someone down to share my misery

i'm not such a bad talker am i?
timing's not right
i felt wrong to feel agitated upon not receiving the attention i expected so
and now i learn to differentiate the so-called 'timing'
have i truly mastered identifying the very slight changes?

everything in this world, goes by the same cycle, just different techniques, different approaches
when you drift, you gotta know how much brake you need to apply, how much speed is needed to be maintained such that the car doesnt slow down too much, how sharp the turning is, what gear to change for big or small turns etc.
when you study, you gotta know what can you properly perform yourself, how well you could calculate or memorize or comprehend, how long can you concentrate and how many times of practices needed etc.
when you wanna live long, you gotta know what should be eaten and what shouldn't, how long your body can take exercising, the times you should eat or not, the nutrition content of the food etc.
even when you games, you gotta know what gives you an advantage, what brings you to the condition of the advantage, what are the specifications of your every skill, the limit of yourself and how you have to overcome your weakness etc.

so when it comes to trying not to feel this way, what should be done?

when you wanna socialize, you gotta know which group you can easily belong to, what to say to trigger a sucessful joke, what to say to make your point clear, what not to say that makes situations awkward, when to listen when someone speaks up, what not to say to avoid unforeseen consequences, what constructive advices to give when it's time to aid mentally, what annoying naggings to avoid conflicts among individuals, when and when not to judge, etc.

a thanks to all the people who made me realise this

change in writing style huh?
screamos now makes me cough
God must've hated me singing
Well, it aint strange since i tried singing CoF
i'm a free thinker btw

(haven't being able to write the usual way, this entry is just a filler)

Cross

Just when i thought im supposed to feel happy
its nothing compared to that
i should watch what i'm saying before i emotionally break myself down

its lonely when you dont have a particular someone where who can talk to disregarding usual conversation ethics
its lonelier when you are amongst a crowd where everyone has something, anything going on in their lives while you don't

Sloth

certainly hope i can stop time at this short one week
although its nothing much
but it pleases me
call me someone who is easily amused
im happy being amused
so why bother?

and when it seemed to stop
everything that i do seemed slower
not that im enjoying it
not that im forcing myself

im not as focused as before
i like being focused
but i hate the fall after focusing and failing

Torn

It didnt turn out as i expect to be
Different opinions
i'm pinned in between

i didn't do anything wrong
i didn't do anything that offend others
why am i still looked down at?

anyway
thanks for noticing
and pitying that i was used

and anyway
thanks for being the very few people talking to me
its being lonely, these days

i dread monday