fragments, scatter # 2 : death isn't enough to separate us

The wheel of fate is turning.

A few droplet of tears met a piece of paper that spells the name Klanfal Oademe. The liquid ate its way throughout the paper within Rag's hand like condensed hydrochloric acid. But it didn't do any harm to the wretched fingers that belonged to the Grim. Several seconds ago, the very same Klanfal Oademe that the paper meant was waiting on his motorcycle for the traffic light in front of his office to turn green. An efficient employee himself, he was always punctual. Sadly, the truck driver from the left junction didnt share his punctuality. Trying to keep his job, the trucker made a high speed corner to save himself some two minutes because he was already five minutes late. However, his vehicle went out of ccntrol. The container dislocated and rammed through poor Klanfal Oademe's head. His helmet wasn't enough to save his fragile life even for a few seconds after impact. When the Grim decided to kill Klanfal Oademe The Grim never knew who he was, how did he look like, how old was he when he perished, or how he perished. Like every other Grim, Rag just randomly chose this name, or any name, not according to how many sins or deeds he/she did, nor showing any signs of remorse or compassion. The wretched fingers would then fill its emptiness with another paper with another name;this time, a Saedem Aerok, forgetting the murder of Klanfal Oademe he committed just a few five seconds ago. Those same emotionless tears. It vanished the same way. As a result, a 46 year-old man surrendered his life to cancer. Modeas Aerok and Mrs Saedom Aerok who were in his dying bed wept after the doctor pronounced his death. Like a doctor, a Grim's job is to pronounce death. Unlike a doctor, a Grim never document the cause of death. A Grim may be an reincarnation of a previous deity, a human, an animal, a plant, another Grim, or nothing at all. Whichever he was, he has no recollection of his previous life nor any prophecy regarding his futuring life. He wouldn't just spare a Thereza-something because of the possiblity of another Mona Thereza. He wouldn't just save a Adulf-something because of the possiblity of another Adulf Hitta. Afterwards, a Thereza Polos was being erased. An angry client just clubbed a prostitute to death. Next a Edawe Ol Desfo. A beggar died of hunger. Next a Adeis Aloaped. Drowning suicide. Then a Poon Soow Sea. Electric chair, death sentence. And no, Rag never bothered to know how even though someone around them knew, be it punished, suicide, accident, or anything. Like a diligent operator, he worked like a machine, never hindered by the absolute monotony of wetting papers.

Then a Xyren Leverouqe. Rag gave this name a few seconds before deciding to cry on it. It was as if it was calling out for something. A distant memory perhaps? For the very first time, he felt curious although he wasn't supposed to. He was then quickly reminded by the 'punishment' if he lost his focus but an obscure sensation in himself made him wonder for a few more seconds again. He dismissed the interference but the interference relented, saving that paper for a few more seconds, and then it was gone. Before he realised it himself, the same few disintergrating tears escaped his eyes like captives from a prison. He never noticed whether the tears reached the paper but the previous mysterious urge resurfaced causing him to let go of that piece of paper. He wasn't sure if his tears came in contact with the paper. That little sheet danced its way back into the wheel of fate. He didn't cared to track it back though. Subsequently, the wretched fingers reached out to grab a Whart Dogdot, resuming his constant routine of eternity.

Little did the careless Rag knew that only one drop of the tears touched that piece of paper with Xyren Leverouqe's name on it. It vapourized a portion of it but it wasnt not enough to make the words unrecognizable. The semi-damaged and semi-viscous piece of paper then landed on another piece with the name of Blink Cryxalis. And merged with it. And disappeared into the billion pieces of papers with many other names on them that spiralled ceaselessly to look like the galaxy's most expensive confetti.

The wheel of fate kept turning.

***

A fucking dick. It felt alien but mine as I actually felt it being touched. This had to be a dream. Weirder than the one where I had hair that spanned to the length of my knees. Or the one everyone around me looked like me. Or the one I accidentally entered a beauty pageant for travesties. Oh wait I felt like one now. But it was never so.. surreal. I should be waking up anytime now right? I should be waking up. Wake up. Or maybe, the dream wasn't strange enough to signal goosebumps to my whole body that was gonna make me jump off the bed? Right? Right? Right?

What the fuck. For around ten seconds, i was too dumbfounded to move my hand away from my private part. Monero eyed me in disgust, probably infuriated by my indecent queer-like position. Knowing homophobic him, he must had thought I insulted his pride. His state of confusion hadn't left him though, and he was curious enough to talk to, erm, whom he assumed was Blinkie.

"What the hell are you doing?!"

He was loud but wasn't as loud as he was when he was searching for us. It took a few seconds to register in my mind that I should at least reply him to stop ourselves from staring at each other awkwardly. And I could test out my voice too.

"Enjoying my manhood."

I paid attention to myself as i said it. I actually sound like the-man-who-was-gonna marry-my-corpse, but the feeling of myself producing someone else's (although a boyfriend's) voice is extremely freaky. In hopes of provoking the stupid ex further, I grinned and imagined how retarded I/Blinkie would look because I never had cam-whored-with-grinning-poses with a different face before.

With the left arm shielding his waist and the right one clenched to form a fist, he charged wobbily towards me. His movement was much slower than before that I even had time to notice that Hind was still rolling on the floor and Whart was already shot dead probably during the random fires while struggling with Hind.

"Take this!"

That trademark one-shot punch again. Did he thought that I evaded the previous one out of pure luck? Underestimating people had been his negative trait. Inability to learn too. That hand on the wound had gave away more openings on the other parts of his body. Sorry Honey.

I barely dodged the attack and swiftly jabbed on his Adam's apple, nose, and then his stomach. It did hurt my cracked knuckle a little, but watching the big guy tumble to the floor was worth the pain. His fall was accompanied by profanities and gibberish that made me felt sorry for myself for not being able to hit him hard enough to silence him. But hey, I wasnt using my body. What the fuck. So I've beaten the last boss of this virtual game called dream. Do I get to wake up now?

Maybe Blinkie possessed my body in return and was hiding somewhere molesting it. He could've just asked right? That shy boy. But he's so unbelievably cute sometimes. Heeee. I looked around. There were men who were moaning and groaning like they lost their manhood (one did) and men who died happy cause they were satisfyingly silent for catching a glimpse at a dazzling-magnificent-elegant(not forgetting cute)-gorgeous lady's cleavage before breathing their last breath. I didn't see any prima-donna-super-model-beauty-queen that tried to act like a hero, nor any soul that might give me the slightest hint that it was Blinkie's.

Blink blink.

I just murdered a few people. Did Blinkie end up in one of their bodies or mine and then died? Not that I never killed before, but this was kind of.. scary. Guilt surged into me unconsciously, it had being ages since I had actually felt guilty.

Blink blink blink.

Simple logic, nothing was gonna change no matter how many times I blinked. No corpse was gonna spring back to life and tell me he was Blinkie and then we could start a gay relationship. But a little part of me thought that that would be very romantic. Subsequently that little part of me got me to examine the fallen men to ensure if my perception of romanticism was wrong. Something semi transparent that resembled dark clouds seemed to be coming out from all of the bodies that I had obliterated. Okay. They were gonna turn into horrifying ghosts and scare the living hell out of me and I could wake up and cry to my boyfriend about the weirdest (and coolest) nightmare.

Blink blink blink blink.

Similiar unknown entities hovered around Monero, as if they were helping him to regain his stance. The clouds from the dead formed shapes that looked like themselves. I could recognize the-pivot-head, the-castrated-man, the-useless-jerk, the-failed-gunman and the-professional-batter standing transparently on their own body. Hind was still spinning around, very much alive, screaming his lungs out to 'something's kneeling in front of him, licking (or eating) his wounded leg like vultures feasting on a carcass. The 'something's looked like perverted uncles who died to fatal car accidents or brutal samurai slashes or anti-alien laser beams because none of them had complete human body parts. They would push each other like aunties on a hard sale boutique store for food but none of them seemed to extract any mass from the leg.

What the fuck?

Blink blink blink blink BLINK.

I did NOT wake up. The five vengeful spirits were still admiring how good I look. Stupid ex was almost managing to complete his impossible feat of standing up. Vulture food was still screaming like a vampire bathing in sunlight. My guilty conscience multiplied. Fear manifested. So I ran. Down the stairs. Out from St. Jermane. Out from Rakelash Cliffs. Anywhere but there. Anywhere without them.

*****

My knee joints were in stinging pain, as if they were gonna dislocate from my thighs. I had being sprinting for five minutes. Lactic acid was threatening my legs to give it a stop. Oh great, now I'm stuck in the typical-running-from-ghost nightmare, and this was about time my legs would fail me and the ghosts would come so close to me and they would slash or hack or rape or bite or pinch or suffocate or flog me till I wake up. So I braved myself to turn around (as well as cursing Blinkie's untrained legs) to watch how creative my dream would annihilate me out of the dream-world. Odd enough, they were behind me and the distance between them and me was still the same, even when i stopped running. Regrettably, they looked ugly and so I closed my eyes and imagined Blinkie's face so that I could die with a good looking smile (in a dream).

Xyreennnnn!!!!

Wow. My imagination rocks. Hold on to meee!!!! Huh? I could imagine his voice as if I really heard him. I remembered that I was lying down with my hands clinging on to the love of my life, and then i was... unconscious? Was I sleepwalking? On such a time? Did I run like a coward?

What the fuck? Where are you? And why was I guilty anyway, I was saving my boyfriend's ass. I opened my eyes anyway, hoping to see Blinkie in my body which was somewhere around and then it occured to me that the external voice sounded just like him. He should sound like me with my body, right? Wait, was it even, external? It sounded like it was coming from within me. Inside. Nevertheless it boosted my courage to deal with those freaks although I might not have any idea how to do so.

What do you mean? Where are you? Was I hearing her talking to herself that she heard what was i saying in my mind? Why couldn't I see her around? Why am I gasping for breath?

I was hearing him, or should I use 'you' too. Let's see.. if I have still had control over this body.

"Where are you?"

I felt my mouth move but my brains or my reflex never issued any command to speak. Was I being mind controlled? I was pretty sure that I heard Xyren's voice just now, but it didn't seem to be coming from any direction. Did I miss her so much that I started to hallucinate her voice in my head? Or did she poss-#

That made perfect sense now. I just poss-#

#POSSESSED#

me?/him. I was unexplainably happy to hear that uninteresting voice though. As fast as the guilt vanished, the apparitions seemed to be dragged away, to the direction of the lighthouse. Haha. What a sweet dream. Now I could hear the exact thoughts of my man.

Grrr. What you mean by uninteresting? And there were ghosts chasing you? As weird as it seemed, this didn't felt like a dream at all.

Oh no.

Death isn't enough to separate us. You/I said that.

Oh no.

Watch what you said! You/I replied.

Our minds went blank for awhile, trying to dissolve what that had happened to me/us. A few seconds proceeded, I could hear this might be the best or worst dream of my life, what if this isn't a dream?, and what happened to the five stupids?; while I could hear did i just pulled her soul into my body?, Where is her body? What happened to her ex and the gang?

Then we saw silhouttes, scattered around in random spots, some stationary while some mobile, staring at us with the most curious eyes. (of course we can't really see their eyes as they are silhouttes. We judged by the way their faces turn towards me/us.)

You gave me the ability to see ghosts, didn't you?

What the fuck. I didn't know. I still thought this was a dream.

Well, good job for dreaming me into a cemetery.

fragments, scatter # 1: till death do us part

The moon hung on the cloudless sky like a faceless portrait. It wasn't the brightest nor the roundest of moons that i'd seen before. The dim yellow glow seemed to amplify and deamplify in random frequencies; one moment it looked as if it was brighter than itself seconds ago; then the longer i fixated my eyes on it the brightness waned although it still look the same as before. It was as if my eyes weren't collabrating well with my memory. Enigmatic. But beautiful. And the latter adjective wasn't for the moon. Rather, the moment.

A warm exhale met my cheeks, overpowering the seductive spell the moon had casted on me in terms of temptation. I got lured to notice her examining me like i was examining the moon. Maybe she got bored of gazing the moon and wanted to look at something more interesting. Or maybe she intended to look at how pale i would become from reflecting the moonlight. And tease me about it. Seizing the opportunity, I pressed forward and rubbed my right cheek on her left like how a puppy would do to its mother. Ample friction, maximum tenderness. It made her giggle, struggle, and consequently she slapped me in the chest playfully.

"I hate it when you do that!"

A very insincere protest but a rather painful slap. Xyren is a fighter girl. Like a playable female character of the usual role playing games. Like every other normal girl, she embraces being beautiful, is quite good at it, and is proud of it. She would rather die than have even a slight bruise on her face which would make her feel unpretty. Ironically, unlike every other normal girl, she is, or was, constantly involved in violence that collected her body a significant amount of scars. Nevertheless the harsh environment and family background made her a femme fatale, enabling her face and herself to survive to this very moment now so that she could slap me. Which hurts. I know it wasn't intentional. But i enjoyed it.

"You know, I wouldn't even dare to be here alone. Or even with a group of guys. But I'm different, with you around that is."

One of us (me, actually) suddenly thought that love could conquer all and suggested that we climb to the top of St. Jermane for a moment to remember for the rest of our lives. St. Jermane is an abandoned lighthouse overlooking Rakelash Cliffs which was believed to be haunted though there were no confirmed sightings. Rumours have it that a priest mysteriously commited suicide there by jumping from the lighthouse and his body was nowhere to be found. The superstitous ones speculated that he was sent to sky while everyone else thought the lighthouse was too dangerous so another one was erected, replacing St. Jermane. Thus, the place is usually familiar with the absence of living souls.

"Ha. That's cause I can beat them. Literally. And you better be more than different to make me being around longer!"

Hearing that soothed me as i was doubting myself if bringing her here was right. She gave me the impression that she longed for danger. Or something adrenaline pumping. Doing this feat was still manageable, as for an average joe like me. Sometimes i wondered why she would let me pick. Her previous men were what magazines call real men. Those that can still look good with only underwear. On the other hand, I'm boney. Goody-two-shoes. But i possess face features that can put eighty-five percent of the entire population of girls to shame. Perhaps Xyren's feeling bisexual and but isn't bisexual enough to go for a girl.

"Oh yeah? Just watch. I'll turn longer into forever."

I frighten myself sometimes. We had only being together for two months. As much as it felt wrong to use 'forever', it felt right. I suspected that for a fact from her laughter. And then i knew that for a fact when she leaned on me, as if to reciprocate for the slap just now. Connecting my eyes with her most amazing eyes, she taunted,

"What? Till death do us apart? *giggles* No way!"
"Agreed. Death isn't enough to separate us."

I didn't care if it's too cheesy. I didn't care if there's a possibility that i would regret in the future. Those words seemed to lift up magic in the air. The moon which was our only witness seem to generate an imaginary spotlight on where we were. She stared at me unflinchingly, as if to digest what i just said from my eyes, cheeks, mouth and lips. I returned the favour, with ease.

"Watch what you've said!"

Xyren sounded as if she is trying to hold a laughter. I feel like unleashing it. For better effect, I snapped at her as soon as she finished her sentence, with something overrating monogamy.

"If you die, I'll marry your corpse."

That reply tasered her. For a few seconds her mouth made a hole and it has spasms. Then she realised how retarded she look and how she cannot contain the tickle in her. Her jaws weren't functional for the moment so she used her hand to do the hole covering job. Then she burst. Hysterically. It reminded me that i never use those words on anyone before.

"AHahahAHhahaahahahaHaah, you're funny, in a very fail way."

What I didn't realise was our faces are inching towards each other little by little. Our eyeballs seemed grow in size. We exchanged carbon dioxide from each other's breath as if we needed them to live. It felt like friday, the day before saturday and sunday. Or an appetizier to a sumptous meal. Our noses touch, and that acted as a trigger to close our eyes respectively. Our eyelashes entangled each other and never before entangled hair was so blissful. Our heads tilted to our rights, extremely slowly, embracing every minute action that was happening to ourselves. I wa so ready to feel the moisture of her lips....

Footsteps.

So what?

Plenty of them.

So what?

First kisses are more important. The ones after it too. I continued the my mini-conquest for euphoria. Maybe we had a peck or maybe we didn't. Her head retreated to a distance, her eyes opened and it didn't look like the dreamy alluring ones she had just now. Rather, they looked like they belonged to a cat at night. I was furious for a moment for not knowing discretely if we did kiss or not and why would there be people in such a deserted place. Then my frustration turned into fear as i suddenly recalled this place is supposed to be haunted.

"They're here for me, or us. My ex's gang." Okay, one less thing to worry about.

Her ears recognized the footsteps. They sounded like an uncoordinated march. It got louder and closer. The spiralling stairs was the only way up or down from where we were. Encountering them, whoever they are, was inevitable.

"Hide. I'll handle them."

I lost all my masculinity hearing that. Nevertheless it made perfect sense; she's familiar with fighting while i could only beat geeks with maths. However, the drastic change of feelings from deep indulgence to slight disappointment to paranoia rendered my face expressionless. So it did to my body. Xyren squinted her eyes and somehow came up with a remedy to my paralysis.

"You can kiss me all night later. Promise."

Ignoring my ego and trusting her prowess in melees, I took cover behind a ledge near the edge of the platform. She did the same at a different place, though. Several men appeared from the stairs.There were about six to seven of them. Some of them even wielded weapons. It was dark, but not dark enough for me to see a few pistols, a few steel bars, and the rest baseball bats. Did they followed us here? Or did one of them spot us here and informed the rest? It didsn't make any sense as we were here for hours. Or did they wait for a time where they would less likely to attract attention? Xyren was nowhere to be seen. It was as if she vanished. Would she bail out on me? I had to trust her. Anyhow, I could only trust her judging from the situation. I silently cursed myself for not picking up any arts of self defense. And prayed that a miracle like a sudden thunder storm would come and electrocute those weapon wielders. And Xyren's safety, most importantly.

"I know you two are out there. Save us some time and we might consider saving you from a few hits lesser."

That voice came from the biggest guy of the gang. He sounded like a police representative demanding a smaller group of terrorists to surrender. They don't usually work in the movies or in real life though. The threat was then followed by complete silence. I began to worry if the sound of my heartbeat's going to reveal my hiding location.

"I was being nice. Don't you test mah patience sweetiepie. COME OUT!!"

The ledge covering me shuddered. Did i just hear 'sweetiepie'? That six foot five big guy must be the ex she was talking about. I couldn't imagine how would someone like Xyren be called 'sweetiepie' from her behaviour and personality. If I were bigger than him I might run up to him and yell at him get over it but i shall and can only keep that as a fantasy. His, i presume, henchmen, started scanning around the area with flashlights.The top of the lighthouse was small. It wouldn't be long till I'm discovered. I felt guilty for suggesting such a date venue suddenly.

"You can do us a favour by showing yourselves now and maybe we'll spare you a feel blows. But if you are not gon--"

The gust of wind flew past as well as a gunshot seemingly pointed towards the air could be heard. Xyren emerged from the darkness she blended so well with and elbowed one of her previous gang mates on his cheek that broke half of the teeth he owned judging from the momentum. The victim wanted to scream but he was interrupted by a second blow landing on his head. The attacker then glided like a gymnast using the first victim's head like a pivot to plant a dropkick on a second victim. The tip of her high heels struck his groins. Somehow i felt evil and hoped that the impact crushed it because it sounded like it did. An eunuch-like scream escaped his mouth making him a her now for the rest of 'its' life. This one was only holding a baseball bat. Nevertheless the two of them fell flat to the floor. The one with the gun stayed motionless while the one without his balls rolled on floor crying away 'its' manhood. I began to wonder if the spirit of Lara Croft possessed my girlfriend. She disappeared into the darkness again.

The remaining five (I could finally spot the exact numbers of the hooligans) turned towards the direction of the noise. They pointed their lights hoping to find that pretty dangerous girl but thankfully they saw nothing but rusted metal platform with flimsy poles that looked like they weren't maintained for very long. One of them with a gun panicked and decided that he could get lucky by shooting into the darkness blindly. The others resumed their search for her and me. One of them with a metal bar walked towards where I was. He didn't see me, right? He couldn't have. I childishly wished I was really good at playing hide and seek. I stayed as motionless as i could but it didn't deter him from moving closer. I could hear his nervous panting but I think I'm the more nervous one. I wished I could do something about it but my negativity reminded me that I could be a burden to the professional if I thought I was smart. Desperately I wanted to call out "SAVE ME XYREN!" and watch another live action movie but that would reveal where i was and there are no re-takes in real life. Or maybe I could try the elbow trick that i saw just now? Yeah, maybe she could be proud of me too. Maybe.

As if he was anticipating someone coming from any direction where he was now, his footsteps lightened. His breathing gave his location away though. My heart was whispering 'give-up-looking-here-already' to his brain while my brain was trying to remember how artistic my girlfriend knocked down the gunner and imitated her position the best i could. When my heart realised it wasn't built for telepathy, it began to convince me to think that I was King Leonidas for a few seconds.

I sprung out of the metal-rod-holder's nothingness with my almighty elbow that missed his nose by two inches. (I was aiming for the cheek too) I couldn't control the inertia of the swing and it hit the dusty pole that was meant to prevent vertigo. The rusted pole cracked a little while my forearm felt numb because. I didn't miss hitting myself on the nerve. A loud "pang!" was apparent. My doom too. I assumed everyone knew where to look for me now. He laughed at my failed attempt to fight back and my sorry face. What were they gonna do to me?

Clag.Clag.Clag.Clag.Swift high heel footsteps. The two with guns heard it too and fired random shots at where they assumed the sound was coming from. Thankfully they had horrible accuracy. I assumed that though, from the temporary silence after a few blank shots.One 'clag' replaced the silence and then it was followed by two 'clangs'. Before anyone saw anything Xyren somersaulted her way to their top while being close enough to steal one of the pistols like an acrobat performing the baton passing stunt. Everyone else who were conscious widened their eyes trying to differentiate if the flying person was Xyren or Jackie Chan. Deep inside my heart, the world's smallest band was playing its cresendo to match the excitement from merely watching what just happened. An urge to cheer for her came and was gone as soon as i remembered there was a guy with a weapon in front of me. Like me, he was utterly shocked too as proven by not changing the same posture he had a few seconds ago. Taking that chance, I pushed him away not knowing what would that do to keep myself safe.

"Holy crap" One of the men exclaimed.

While airborne, Xyren managed to flip the pistol to face the targets. The remaining guy with the gun woke up to his senses and returned fire as if he was defending himself. Neither of them were avid sharpshooters and bullets flew in all the harmless directions. Everything seemed to happen in slow motion. To my horror, the landing trajectory of that jump seemed to end at the pole I mistakenly damaged just now. She was gonna fall.

I shouldn't have tried to be smart.

Her heels tapped at the where i estimated it. The failing pole crumbled to her weight. However, her killing intend wasn't replaced by her will to survive. If I were her I would've let go of the gun and reach out for my hands which were trying to save her life. Instead, she continued firing. A few bullets greased through my hair and it stopped the gunfire coming from the other direction and orchestraed the screams of a few dying men. Finally she realised she promised to let me kiss all night later. Maybe I shouldn't have underestimated her agility because her left hand reached out for mine. I felt the grip although gravity was never forgiving. I realised her right hand was still holding on to the weapon and it sort of disappointed me. Either she was hiding it really well or she looked totally calm and that kind of scared me too.

"How very romantic.."

Shit. Should've worked out more and I could've pull Xyren up. Xyren wasn't heavy but my hands were weak. My hands felt like it was going to separate from my body but I believed in my happy ending. Suddenly I thought of myself declaring death isn't enough to separate us moments ago and now this was so going to be so my fault. The crack on the pole. We were so gonna kiss. The way she taunted me. My crude jokes followed by her laughter. The bicycle ride together. Cheating in exams with a stranger. The way she convinced me to go somewhere she desired. Her 'this is the first time i...' to me. My pathetic inability to carry her up..... and finally the optimistic strength of every bit of my body and soul... to ensure my own happiness.

Little did i notice somebody's shadow, and then above that shadow was the shadow of a metal rod. Her reacting right hand made me realise that fact. My anger of her recklessness that i assumed faded. I chose to ignore the possible pain and focused on lifting her.. I didn't care if i misplaced her and she might miss the shot.

I cannot lose you...

Click. Click click click.

Out of ammo?

A roaring thud on my back. The pain was intense. But it must be bearable. I anticipated a few more coming. Or maybe a lot more. I mentally disciplined myself to hold her tighter upon receiving every hit. Tears began to drip uncontrollably that got me to hate myself more to suspect the fact that I was a man who couldn't tolerate physical pain. I won't give up on you, Xyren. It will be worthwhile. It will be worthwhile. It will be.....

"Blinnnnnnkkkkkkkkkkk!"

Along came a blow that sent stars and fog to my vision. Xyr- Everything blacked out.

*****

"You fucking bastard!"

The leader of the gang, Monero held Whart, the metal rod wielder by his collar so close to himself he could smell his halitosis breath. Whart was always the troublemaker, the coward, the one who talked the loudest only when he knew he was on the winning side. He was sadistic, and always dreamt of being the alpha although he was never being very competent at even the easiest of jobs. Originally Monero had him in the pack just so if shit happens he would be the scapegoat. And originally Monero just wanted to mutilate Blink so Xyren would realise how powerless and useless Blink was around her. He had wanted Xyren back himself. Ironically, his stupidity never thought that bringing people with weapons like guns would result in what that had happened now.

Whart was the shadow over Blink. He was the one who said How very romantic. And the one barraging the helpless guy with a weapon that he was never good at using. Not that he was good at anything anyway. The short-lived feeling of sadistic truimph had been forgotten when his eyes met Monero's. He wanted to flee but fear had sprouted him to the where he was. He wanted to say that he was sorry but he knew it takes more than sorry to rectifiy what he just did. One moment he was laughing hysterically. Now he was crying, even before any pain was inflicted on him.

"You saw that bitch.. She was crazy."
"And so you hit the guy?"
"I. I-"

Before he realised it he was eating up his own words. Another member of the gang, Hind, the third and last survivor from the sky dive bullet shower spoke and it seemed to distract Monero from killing Whart a few minutes earlier. A bullet lodged into his right feet. He somehow felt lucky to be alive although he felt stupid for following someone like Monero just because he was his childhood friend.

"What are you going to do about that pretty boy?"

He was mending himself with the first aid knowledge he got from high school. Monero had always respected Hind and considered him as if he was a brother. But the big guy was fuming mad at the 'scapegoat' he almost ignored his 'brother'. Luckily, for Whart, he didn't. It was a long silence until he muttered,

"Dispose of his body."
"Dead or alive?"

Gathering the remaining bit of energy, Hind got up and limped towards the now unconscious Blink. Monero hadn't answered. He pointed his gun at that pretty head, waiting for an answer from the leader. Monero was never this indecisive, he thought to himself.

*****

I lovee yewwwwwwwww!!

What the fuck? Did I just declared 'I-love-you' instead of 'save-my-life' when I knew I was going to die? Must've been watching too many movies. Wait. Did I just, fall? I didn't remember falling. Was this heaven? If it was then the ground i was on now sure felt like the floor we were leaning on just now. He pulled me up right? I remembered myself being sucked up by a force. But I remembered our fingers disconnected so did every nerve connected to my brain. I remembered yelling out his name with the maximum capability of my lungs. But the i-love-you I wanted to say so much didn't make it. I seemed to lose control and sensation of my throat, my mouth and my lungs. Did I scared myself to death?

Yeah that must had be a dream. My stupid ex came up to carry out the promise I didn't let him make. Then I singled handedly fought them off but died a heroine. I even somersaulted and fire rounds mid-air. Blinkie must've being so proud of me if he happened to see that. Heehee. Maybe I could show him that someday in real life. Oh wait. Did i just fall asleep in his arms? Not my fault okay. Blame his cushion-like arms. He must've being really mad at me now if I really did doze off. We even promised to kiss. Did we? Or was in or out of the dream? When did I start dozing off?

Wait. If i were asleep, why was i here lying on the floor, face down but not on his shoulder?
Yeah, I was gonna wake up anytime soon. It felt like worse hangover I had ever had. I didn't remember any recent alcohol intakes. My back and head ached like it had multiple blunt traumas. Suddenly I remembered, in that dream, Blinkie was holding on to a falling me so tightly while enduring beatings from that useless jerk Whart. I saw his perserverance and that suck-it-up expression and, for the first time in my life, was touched by man to the extend i shed tears. In a dream. Oh, my cheeks were wet. Did I just cried in the dream? Maybe that was why he left me at the floor.

"*blur*pose of is bod*blur*"

What the fuck? That voice bore an uncanny resemblance with my stupid ex's. Was Blinkie trying to imitate it? He sure did a good job. Wait. I never even told him that moron's name! Nevertheless this incident recovered my sense of hearing.

"dead or alive?"

Hind? Okay. This wasn't a dream. Maybe I was unconscious for awhile. Suddenly I worried about Blinkie's safety and hoped I wasn't unconscious for too long. Guiltiness surged into me but it was immediately replaced by adrenaline when I felt a recently fired Glock pointed at my head. A few strands of hair seared to the heat residue of the gun. I didn't remember having such short hair.

Hind was never this careless, I thought to myself. He knew the disarming trick my hand could do, right? Judging from the direction of barrel, the Glock must be right above my wrist. Seizing the precious opportunity, I wrestled the gun out of his hand into mine.

What the fuck? My motions were less fluid. Maybe Hind was being cautious all the while. Or that I got clumsier. I could do it faster three months ago.

"Fuck!"

Another few rounds were fired randomly due to a struggling Hind. What the fuck? I could out-wrestle him three months ago, too. And now he had the chance of overpowering me. Did I mellowed down ever since I was with Blinkie? Maybe that was the price i had to pay. Was it worthwhile?

Eh. I remembered I just somersaulted moments ago. I didn't believe that my fighting skills were rusted. Did I bruised his manly ego back in the days that he decided to work out more for today? Oh. I just somersaulted and shot him in the leg moments ago. Lucky bastard who survived. Not anymore.

"They should teach you a lesson that revenge is never sweet-"

In some ways I respected this man. But it takes more than respect for me to take such a dishonorable advantage - blame survival instinct. I stomped at his wound with my Jimmy Choos and hoped the pain would incapacitate him enough to move on the next threat.

The attacking sensation was strange - I felt the pressure of my whole feet instead of the supposed pressure only on my heels - and realised I was wearing Nike Air that didn't belong to me. It looked very familiar though. Blinkie's?

Unable to bear the pain, Hind collapsed to the floor and tried his best not to scream but failed. A running stupid ex subsituted for his fallen comrade's position and attempted to land a punch on my face. It was his trademark one-shot-punch or so he called it, I knew exactly how to avoid it but my reflexes seemed slower. Blaming Blinkie again. It didn't critically hit me but the sheer force of the punch and the shockwave made me fell flat to the floor. I was alive enough to feel happy about breaking up with this stupid. At least, if you wanted to kill me, do it in other ways but please don't disfigure my face. Although Moreno was stupid in many ways, he was the best guy I had ever met in bed. I could never find another bull to ride me like that. Not a chance with Blinkie. But that bull came with a catch, his left waist was his forbidden zone. He said it would hurt even upon contact and that he always had to sleep with the right side of his body on the bottom. Never thought that kind of information would come in handy. Half laying on floor, I ran a fist onto his weakness. I was in disbelief when I thought I heard my knuckle crack. Due to the spot on impact, he submitted momentarily but was still strong enough to stand up.

"That bitch told you that?"

Huh? Was 'bitch' addressing himself? I lifted myself up. I realised I was panting. It was been awhile since I've actually ran out of breath like that. Wait a minute. Something was missing. I was fairly sure that what I did just now WASN'T enough to tire me. Moreover, even if i pant, why did my chest felt, lighter? Did my boobs suddenly fall off? Out of nowhere an unlikely hypothesis occured to me. No way this was happening. Doubting how impossible my hypothesis was, my left hand reached to feel what that was in between my legs.

The Nike Air instead of the Jimmy Choos. The cracking of the knuckle. Moreno's "that bitch told you that". Hind's something-something-about-revenge. The panting. The pressumed rust of skills. The pain in the head and back.

A dick.

fragments, scatter # 0

hmm.

you've witnessed the fragments of my memory, now behold, the fragments of my imagination.

haha.

yes i knew it is very amateur-ish. i can spot grammar mistakes every now and then. my range of vocab is very very limited. my knowledge regarding the topics i wanted to talk about is limited too. Sigh. I optimistically hope readers enjoy it enough to critic, if there is even any. And also if any of you understood what i was writing.

my real life has gotten slightly busier in terms of work. And i think i need to read more to write properly. unlike now =(

also, I wonder if i could commit to fragments, scatter. Any tips, frequent novel readers?

and erm. I'm not Blink. Siren is not Xyren.

fragments, gather

Dear Siren,
I would be grateful if you actually take the least bit of your time to read any of the feather fragments. I would be even more grateful if you actually visit this page again with your own initiative, although i know it would be less likely. Anyhow, if you happen to do so, here's the table of content for everything, for your convenience's sake.

feather fragments #1: re-know
feather fragments #2: twilight memory
feather fragments #3: the minor spark of light
feather fragments #4: goodnightandsweetdreams#1
feather fragments #5: goodnightandsweetdreams#2
feather fragments #6: goodnightandsweetdreams#3&4
feather fragments #7: January
feather fragments #8: zero is zero and nothing but zero
feather fragments #9: oh sorry i dont remember
feather fragments #10: my song echoes from the deeps
feather fragments #11: anxiety
feather fragments #12: attunement
feather fragments #13: February
feather fragments #14: February*
feather fragments #15: tenth star
feather fragments #16: typical rarity
feather fragments #17: angels*
feather fragments #18: mandate
feather fragments #19: pinch me
feather fragments #20: turning point*
feather fragments #21: disconnect
feather fragments #22: rend
feather fragments #23: the professional refresher
feather fragments #24: taint
feather fragments #25: epic fail
feather fragments #26: Scorpio*
feather fragments #27: don't keep promises you can't make

(*- uhm, highlights? lol)

Thank you for making me feel feelings i have never felt before. I was never being this happy, although it was short-lived.

Yours Sincerely, (够诚意了嗎?)

feather fragments # 27: don't keep promises you can't make

Those words just blurted out. Even though i considered how uneasy she would react to it. Selfishly i didn't care. Because at that moment i wanted to show how much i cared although i knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

'very hard for me to tell you.'

She sounded as if she was sleeping and my phone call was the one responsible for waking her up that day. Her talking speed was slower than usual. Nonetheless it challenged me to feel nervous. I knew what i heard but i didnt quite understand it.

'what does that mean? like or don't like only wert.'

I never thought i would become so pressuring. An immediate moment of guilt rushed in but it was gone as soon as it came. Our conversation suddenly turned awkward within ten seconds from the start of the call. Taking some time to think to herself, she said blurly, but clear enough for my concentrated ear to pick up.

'don't.. really... know.. how to tell you.'

Why this reply? That pictures will lead or mislead people to think that they are more than friends. My mind became deductive due to the brainstorming-warm-up i'd gotten all night:

a) It is just a picture.
b) Maybe she hadn't decide if she likes him, but still considering.
c) Maybe she already did, and he hadn't proposed so she didn't dare to declare that they were officially an item.
d) She didn't want to tell me.

I thought of the picture that we've taken together although it didnt come as close as the pictures that don't have anyone tagged. I remembered that she told me about boys pursuing her and how easily and firmly she would say no to them but not to this one. I remembered that she wouldn't jump to conclusions hastily so she would take some time considering. Ironically i thought of her being an adoration junkie although im not supposed to.

I snapped out of my own world of thoughts after a few seconds. The next time i said, as impulsive as i was, was the summary of what happened to me the night before. Of what that kept me rolling on the bed till sunrise. Of what that sent me into a violent whirlpool that never reached the bottom.

'i know im not supposed to tell you this, but im jealous.'

Forgive me. I couldn't help it although i knew im no position to tell her that. Or just let me and forget about me begging for forgiveness. Credit me instead for being so honest and direct.

'really.. dont know how to tell you.'

dont really know how to tell me or dont really know how to tell someone like me? I knew she was aware of my intentions. Or maybe she wasn't. Or maybe there was still a slight amount of hope on me but that was merely predicted by my desire. Or less maybe but more definitely, no considerations about me were made due to herself being busy considering the other one. Maybe i should give her some space to sort out her thoughts. Well, not maybe. I should.

*

It was my friend's birthday. I remembered it but i didn't wish him. I didn't feel like typing the word 'happy' at that time. Happy belated birthday, Recharge.

********

I couldn't sleep for the next two days. To redundant thoughts of Siren. Jealousy works better than caffeine. Or horror movies.

*************** please kindly skip to the non-purple part. these are just posted as evidence for being imsomniac. They are repetitive and boring if you are not me.**********


what does don't-know-how-to-tell-you means?
*
She never made any attempts of talking to me. Well, almost never. (ff#21-24)
*
I'm the first person she would ever got close to in the shortest period of time. (ff#17)
*
He's the guy she mentioned during ff#14? (ff#14)
*
What happened to the guy who gave her the chain? (not included in any ff-s, happening during ff#23) Did she return him?
*
Is the guy who was all over her in the KTV session him? (not included in any ff-s, before ff#26)
*
She doesn't let me in her room. (ff#18)
*
Nor staying with her. (ff#24)
*
She asked me to compare herself with Akasha though. (ff#14)
*
She never replied that facebook message. (ff#23)
*
She sometimes askED me if i miss her when i call her (ff#24~ff#2?)

*
I'm not sincere enough? (ff#20)
*
Am i missing out something on that day? (ff#20)
*
Besides getting her phone number. (ff#21)
*
She said she had this distrust on foreigners due to her so-called 'temptations'. (ff#5, ff#16)
*
but ff#26 begs to differ.
*
What if i waited outside her house during ff#19?
*
What if i didnt chicken out during ff#17?
*
What if she didnt prolong our meeting period? (ff#8)
*
I should be happy with what happened. and that delay of flight. if not there wouldn't be ff#16-ff#20. or any feather fragments at all.
*
what happened to the pendrive and highest hope now? (ff#16)
*
i so should sleep.
*
does she remember ff#17?
*
Can i still carry out epic? (ff#25). seems very imappropriate.
*
It might be effective. But its too impractical. Takes too long and it might hurt her.
*
What if i didnt meet her at all? (ff#1)
*
Does she hate me for passing the flu to her? (ff#2)
*
I've gotten the best prize ever from learning how to growl/rap. (ff#3) because without that there wouldn't be ff#4.
*
she asked a total stranger like me if i was single or not. (ff#1)
*
Statement about secret is no longer valid (ff#16)
*
what if i stayed and showed what my throat can do during ff#18?
*
or rather, just mingle with them. (ff#18, again)
*
I really should sleep. I didn't sleep last night.
*
She happy?
*
All her comments on the facebook pictures implied so.
*
She is happy. Her friends are happy for her too.
*
She said when SourceofEpic wanted her back he had a girlfriend already in two weeks time and she was really heartbroken about it. (ff#14)
*
I only wore that boxed shirt once. (ff#14)
*
When the first angel possessed me, she told me Hong Kong guys are creepy because there's one person who tried to do that to her too. And she had to run. But only to his car because he drove her. And she didn't run away from me. (ff#17)
*
My first time (ff#17)
*
There's only 26 ff-s. Too little for anything to happen.
*
ff#17 could mean nothing to her.
*
what if i noticed and answered that she wasnt on make-up during ff#20?
*
Her parents remember me? (ff#10)
*
What about her sister? (ff#18)
*
No. No.
*
Please remember me.
*
and my birthday.
*
Maybe she won't.
*
i hate crabs. (ff#26) like how i hate alcohol.
*
and gooses. (ff#26) like how i hate christmas eve.
*
I would love to sleep.
*
Should i still go visit? (ff#20-24)
*
she didn't find out a specific date for me to go visit her. (ff#24)
*
Graduate and go back together? (ff#24)
*
Don't think she remember saying that.
*
Together.. (ff#24)
*
rather, with him. (ff#26)
*
Age? (ff#5)
*
Yes. (ff#14)
*
Security. (ff#16)
*
Ice cream.. (ff#19)
*
Nah probably she didnt want to go redbox alone with me was because our genres of songs are way too different. It's like she's heaven and i'm hell. (ff#17)
*
我准备就现在　乘着流星　抛开崩坏的过去 (ff#15)
*
骄傲的人类 (灭), supposed to be 毁 (ff#17)
*
took me two weeks to catch up that part. (ff#20)
*
did she threw them away? those keychains.. (ff#20)
*
Oh i should be sleeping.
*
Her laughter. (ff#1,2,3,7,9,10,11,13,14,15,16,17,18,20,24)
*
So little.
*
Her emotional side. (ff#16)
*
Her sleepy face. (ff#17)
*
Her compliments. (ff#1,3,4,5,6,14,16,17,20)
*
Her lousiness in playing chor dai di. (ff#7)
*
And that cute expression when she thought she was gonna win. (ff#7)
*
All that will be drowned out and forgotten. (after all ff-s)
*
by her.
*
and by me hopefully.
*
really.
*
as soon as possible.
*
as soon as possible.
*
etc.
****************ok i will not put anymore. it's annoying enough already i know**************

Don't worry, even though i couldn't sleep, my diet was still normal. Nevertheless i looked as if my spirit had left me. I went to work carrying the same look, too ignorant to bother what people would think of me. Thankfully there was work, something to distract me from those imsomnia causing thoughts. Never before i was so workaholic; never again either. My bloodshot eyes glued themselves to the computer unflinchingly and it was one of the very rare times i didnt require coffee to keep myself awake to do work even though the consecutive days of not sleeping. (fri, sat, sun)

A kindred soul, or a colleague, noticed my irregularities. She gave me a sneak peek of how she handles such issues and that made me realise how strong she was and relatively, how weak i am. Somehow i felt ashamed for overreacting. For being troubled when i wasn't supposed to. As she couldn't stand seeing the zombie i was, she gave me an advice that brought senses to my corpse. It was just something that anyone could say but the impact was critical.

You can move on in one day or one week or one year or never. But provided with how she is treating you now she wouldn't give a damn. Life is too short to fully enjoy it so enjoy it while you still can. Everyone deserves better.

I saw that coming though i never saw how i would feel upon seeing that. Those words seemed so righteous. Or was it the way she executed it. Or was it the lucky one that got into me after the plenty advices i got from other friends. I didn't know. I knew i had to leave Siren in peace. All odds were against me.

If this was a battle that dying is inevitable, the least i can do is die standing.

So i decided to make that call. To declare that i'm disappearing from trying to get into her life.

*************

'I've decided to give up on visiting you in Melbourne.'

Those words left my mouth stern, loud, clear and very unwillingly. I sure hoped she didn't need me to repeat saying it because it was too contradicting to what I've said to her before this phone call, what I've told people, and what i've wanted to say. Probably surprised by such an initiation of a conversation, she took some time to digest what she heard.

"haa??"
"I think you know what i mean."

She knew. Moreover, she seemed to be relieved upon hearing what i said. I didn't know this for a fact, i merely guessed it from her reaction, which was laughter. As much as i like to hear her laugh, it was upsetting to hear it for such a moment. After she regained her composure, she reassured me of my suspicions of herself being relieved.

"wo he ni ye si mei she me la." (me and you, nothing)

Siren's actually correct. We never promised each other anything. I realised i was keeping a promise i silently made to myself but not to her. Not that i could make it anyway. I no longer have the thinking that action speaks louder than words.

"aiya, we also didn't know each other for very long.. and we went out to eat and sing K for a few times only."

An instant of all the feather fragments flowed into my mind. Yes, it was all pleasant, but it wasn't enough to lead to anything. Perhaps it wasn't never meant to lead to anything. All elements of romanticism were just from my perspective only. It takes two to tango.

"besides, you are too young for me."

I remember. I wanted to defy her principles. By being the exceptional example. But now all the silent vows i made to myself would remain in silence. Nevertheless i appreciate her being so direct. Really.

"So would you tell me who the guy is now?"
"Some guy from my music school. A pianist. How tall are you? Around 180cm right? Almost as tall as you. Known him for more than three years. One year older than us."

Oh. I was this arrogant peacock that have yet to meet a phoenix. Just when i thought i should be proud of those magnificently iridescent feathers of mine, the phoenix prevailed its superiority of feathers by leaving a longer trail of more colorful and sparkling fragments, putting me to shame for thinking so highly of myself before. Or maybe he was just an average peacock while i was only an average pigeon, unrecognized among the many pigeons who approached her.

"He's quite good looking."
"YA MIEH? ok ok only la. Not as good looking as you think la."

Well, i wasn't sure how good looking Siren thought he was, but she seemed to be very concerned and excited when this topic was brought up, and this confirmed who the peacock is and who the pigeon is.

"So would you answer me now if i ask you if you like him?"
"At this moment.. i don't really know how to tell you yet. Getting there i guess.."

Hmmm. Yeah. Good answer. Logic was the right one all the while.

"I didn't sleep the last few days.."
"Haha, your joking, right? I don't believe you."

Right. What was the difference even if Siren believed me? Wouldn't change the fact that i didn't sleep. Neither would it change the fact that she didn't bother.

"Fine if you don't believe me."
"Hmmm... keke.. we also didn't have the advantages of time and space.. Relationships aren't that simple. You have never experienced one so maybe its hard for you to understand. Timing plays an important factor. When we met i was just holiday-ing in Penang. You knew i was going back to Australia."
"Haha... i'm like a kid who have never tasted candy."

It implied that i would cry like one when i thought i almost had a taste and then i didn't.

"You're still small la. You'll understand better once you are in a relationship. When i go out with a particular person and when both parties are single and available, considerations about the other party come to mind. Further considerations and meetings will be made if the person has positive or suitable traits." (translation errors, i doubt the meaning stayed the same but i tried my best to maintain the same meaning.)

I needed a saving grace. I wasn't rational.

"Ever considered me?"

Siren's statement before my question indirectly answered my question. Or maybe she didnt mean to and i was just thinking too much. Maybe she already knew i was. It took her a few long seconds to reply me. Perhaps she was trying to keep the damage at minimum.

"bu yao hui da ni, bu yao ge ni wu si luan xiang" (not answering you. Don't want you to think too much)

It didn't stop me from thinking too much. As a matter of a fact, whatever she answered wouldn't stop me from thinking too much. It would be too mean for her to say she never considered me. On the other hand, she might be afraid to give me false hope if she said she did. Furthermore, even if she did, she wouldn't change herself for someone as insignificant as me. To be honest but bias, it felt like she did consider. The way she said it. The way i saw it. Let me know it as the way i wanted it to be. Nonetheless, it did stop me from inquiring further.

We moved on to discuss about our perspectives towards relationships. Our conversation was abruptly ceased when my parents summoned me for dinner.

I could finally sleep that night.

*************************

Siren's facebook relationship status changed during May the 16th. *EDIT*

feather fragments # 26: Scorpio

My eyes were struggling to keep themselves open. It was dawn. I was utterly fatigued by the long hours of dota throughout the night. But i knew i had something to do before i sleep. Before going out, she told me that she was deciding which pictures to upload to her facebook. Pictures of her previous recent road trip. Pictures that i wanted to see. On a future perspective, pictures that i thought i want to see.

I readied my eyes on the LCD screen, hoping to claim the reward that was gonna energize my lifeless body. The picture that was used to represent the photo album was a man having his arm over Siren's shoulder. A very good looking man. Celebrity grade. It wasn't the most outstanding picture, i wasn't sure if i was bothered by it because i felt like i wasn't. Yet. And all that was just because of my fantasy about not restricting her social circle if i had the power to. Note, a fantasy.

Proceeded to check the photos one by one. I imagined the excessive amount of pictures she taken and filtered carefully to be shown to the public. I imagined how she would differently pose and force the photographers to delete the awkward shots of herself. I imagined how she would rejoice and clap and laugh and then my imagination was broken by the close-up shot of that same handsome man. Due to the distance, his features are all made obvious. Pretty, but manly too. Have a charm of his own. Would live happily ever after if i were to turn gay and live with him. However, I was so tired back at that moment that i ignored my paranoia of him being an avid competitor.

The next pictures were more eye-catching - they were taken on a travelling boat. The wind casted upon her face flung her hair as if it has a life of its own and the surronding unified ocean blue portrayed her sharp features so fine that i temporarily forgotten that i was sleepy. Especially the one where her body was slanting outwards the boat and she was only holding on to the steel bars.

I kept scrolling, eager to see another Siren that could replace the impression that previous picture had left me. And so i saw that picture that dont have anybody tagged. I never saw her look any happier than that. It seemed to channel an indescribable radiation of comfort. She seemed to try her best to look her best at the camera and it was all done very naturally. Her whole body was leaning on him as if he was her pillow; both his arms were wrapped around her as if she was his bolster.

My eyes widened. I forgot that it was 5am in the morning. I forgot that i went dota just now. I forgot that i was walking like a zombie to my room and was so ready to sleep. I didn't believe what i saw, for the sole reason i didn't wanted to. Impulsively i hit the 'next picture' cursor. A picture with a similar posture of the couple materialised. And so i continued to do it again and it somehow felt safe to look at the pictures of herself without him but for the shortest measurement of time. I covered my eyes and rubbed them, wishing it was all but a bad dream and that i would wake up any time soon. But it wasn't.

I opened them again and gathered a private amount of courage to revert to the pictures that dont have anybody tagged. Seeing is believing. I confirmed that my eyes werent playing tricks on me, my mind was. My eyes began to show signs of acceptance but my mind was still a retard, and this had contributed to myself to have an increased heartbeat rate. It was so silent that sound of the hum coming from the computer and the thud-thud coming from my heart were apparent. I thought i was too young to have heart complications but i wasn't sure anymore that i placed my hand over my chest to count my heart pace.

It felt normal for awhile. Then it felt as if it wanted to break free from the ribcage. But no, it was still, very normal, physically. And then it felt as if it was sliced and diced into shreds. But no, the fact that i was alive tells me that it was still in one piece. My stomach churned, i realised that i was awake for too long i was supposed to hungry. Or that i wasn't hungry at all. Repetitively i reminded myself of how normal i should feel. A little too late though, envy had manifested itself on me. The reminiscent. Seeping in unconsciously. Like a wound on top of another wound. And all that wasn't supposed to be painful. It never was....

****************( flashback)**************

The blaring music forced itself into my eardrums which never welcomed it. The air was filled with a mixture of the moisture of evaporated alcohol and cigarette residue. I was sandwiched between people, majorly strangers. They laughed and cheered and danced. They looked happy or they pretended to look happy. Each of them seemed to have interesting stories about themselves to tell but i never bothered to know due to them being strangers. The scacrity of free space somehow gave me a wee bit of claustrophobia. Comprehensible communications required shouting onto another person's ear that i gave up giving effort to talk. I felt like a Martian brought into Earth.

I was no longer a virgin to visiting clubs.

Her eyes werent swiveling around the area like mine's. She seemed to know what was supposed to be where because she's familiar with the place. Or maybe she wasn't curious enough. She trialed behind him. Because he was leading everyone else that wasn't a stranger to me. As easily lost as i am, i could only follow the crowd. Wasn't hard to do anyway.

I wanted to talked to her. Nothing effective came to mind. I blamed the harsh surroundings but it wasn't like i could say something that she would like to hear given a better environment. To look less like an alien, i moved my body at random motions trying to imitate what everyone else was doing - dance. It was my first time but it wasn't that awkward maybe because of the alcohol intake. And because of that too, i was less compelled to do as per thought. My eyes ignored everything else that didnt matter at that moment. Other random pretty faces. Even other random prettier faces.

Gracefully she danced. Maybe it wasnt graceful at all and i was just being biased. Nevertheless the way she moved seemed to make her look as if she belonged to the crowd. I closed in on her seeking leads to an invasion but her body language towards me was.. there wasn't any. Leads. At all. She then turned her back on me, probably to prevent me from studying her further. Trying to construct a conversation to inform her of my presence, i nudged her.

'zai zai?' (Steady?)

Gesturing the traditional good hand sign, i jolted my head nearer hoping she would give me an entertaining response. To my dismay, she never made any effort to turn around. Out of respect, her head angled itself to my line of sight and nodded with minimal attention. And fabricated a forceful smile that told me i'm better off saying nothing. For no reason i felt like biting off my tongue.

Perhaps it was the more popular music. Perhaps it was the boredom of staying in the same place for too long. Or perhaps it was the alcohol. We brought ourselves to the dancefloor. It was more packed but i kept her a safe distance away from myself. However, that distance wasn't safe enough to stop me from examining her.

She looked like she was enjoying it. Made noises that she usually wouldnt make under sober circumstances. Clapped and cheered when everyone else did so. Entertained the people who approached her to dance. Him particularly. I felt invisible.

He had his people to entertain too. Unintentionally temporarily he left her unguarded, susceptible to the danger of people by the likes of me. Cowardly i just stood there, reminding myself of all the signs being red. And saw another one of me, Shortstuff, making attempts of an invasion. It soured. To think that I'd being constantly and unsucessfully asking her out for the whole semester; and now, she was exchanging whispers with Shortstuff. Then he was all over her, then her hand reached out behind his head. I convinced myself to think that she was just balancing herself. Little did i know this was the effects of intoxication. As someone who never being to clubs, I wondered if this was norm or if this was supposed to happen. I wondered too, about what could i do if i was experienced in this. Because all i did and could do, within my capability, was, only, watch.

Zeroes to hero. Upon return, he protected her from Shortstuff. For a tiny speck of moment it felt relieving to see. Then it wasn't. Like a knight who have bested his nemesis, he claimed her himself. She willingly let him. They formed a tighter grip with each other. And it somehow became a romantic scene out of a movie where a couple dances and i was the only viewer who was concentrating on watching. After forever, we decided that we were tired enough to leave the dancefloor. I pretended that i didnt see that their hands knotted as we were walking away.

*

Outside the club. Waiting on the alcohol effect to wane. At one moment, she was beside me, leaning on the same wall. He stood opposite us, at my ten o'clock, a few feet away, leaning on a parked car. The wasted one made vows to herself that she kept breaking. A few of us tried our best to reply her. Boushbell was silent and only was silent beside me. In order to talk, she displaced herself to next to him.

The wasted one then made a joke that wasn't funny at all but it got Boushbell to laugh. She didnt laugh honestly, but she was expressing herself honestly. It seemed to be a vomit of her deepest emotions, that she didnt wished she had kept. It sounded melancholic, like she wasn't laughing with her stomach but rather she was making sounds from her heart. It sounded like an expression of her inner self that little would've understood, and laughing was just a temporary representative. As i am one of the ordinary many, I felt the distance between us, and the more i try to shorten it, the longer it became.

The toxic influenced conversation continued. Her head slowly found her way to rest on his shoulders. Naturally comfortably. I looked away. The street on my right filled with drunkards, rubbish, and Proton cars with spoilers seemed more panoramic.

*

He had to drop all of us back. As if my ego wasn't insulted enough, he rubbed some salt onto the wound by offering,

'you want me to drop you back first?'

Governed by my low sense of pride and a high amount of emotional distortion, i rejected. She lived somewhere along the way where my house and hers is, and my simple logic hanged while decyphering his offer. Little did i know he was protecting my eyes from the scene, obscene to nobody else but me.

Along the way, i remembered hearing no-more-tequila-for-ever, sorry-darling-i-promise-i-wont-do-drink-anymore, this is the worst headache i've ever gotten and from a different source, breathing, soft, but not soft enough to be not heard when there's a little mucus in her nose.

*

Reached her house. She was too frail to walk back alone. He came to her assistance. She steadied herself on his sturdy body. He extended his hand over her shoulder to strengthen her stance. It seemed to have offered her a sense of security too. After making a few steps, she stopped. Her eyes failed to contain her tears anymore. He recognized and reacted to it by staying put, patting her back and waiting for the moment to pass. But the wait wasn't long, simultaneously their arms reached out for each others' backs.

And hugged.

I didn't to look at it as much as i wanted to. She seemed to have found her salvation. The shoulder to cry on. The sponge to absorb all the pain away. I complimented myself for not drinking so much because i would go on a boiling frenzy if i did. And reminded myself that i was in no position to be jealous. But failed miserably.

They released each other. However, the comfort she felt seconds ago caused her to irrationally yearned for more. Her tears kept rolling. She felt comfortable to let him see the vulnerable side of her.

They reformed the hug.

Ever get the confusing feeling from a watching horror film where part of you wants to watch it so badly while the other part of you tells you to close your eyes? It felt the same.

*

dont expect life to be fair.

****************************

Christmas was never this dull. Antisocial was me. Going Gurney brought the possibility of bumping into her. No, them. Immaturely, i never wanted to see the truth as much as she never wanted to admit the truth. It was being quite some time since the testimonials, but recovering from minor wounds wasn't easy, as for me. Even a simple inquiry message from her seem to torture my sensitive and underdeveloped emotion, like pain.

'hey i going gurney with my friend you wanna come?'

I've heard rumours. From every possible source. She told me not to believe in them. Selfishly i wanted to. Making no sense, i forced myself to. I had made attempts to squeeze out the truth from her but to no avail. It was like having obvious cancer symptoms and the only diagnosis that was gonna convince me full-heartedly failed.

Just as i thought i was gonna be safe by being left in the dark, Friction sympathized me from his perspective and made attempts to get me out. He was aware of my situation, so i voiced out my anxiety of meeting them. And that i was gonna be a wet blanket if i tagged along. Righteously he got me to go by telling me the chances of meeting Akasha would be low due to the huge amount of people swarming around the area.

The length of my hair was long enough to almost fully cover my vision. I let it filter, although it occasionally tickled my eyes. I wondered why they wanted me around with them because i made the least bit of effort to socialize. My mind was blank and i failed as a friend because i wasn't thinking that i should treasure Friction and co.'s company even though i was in bad shape.

We loitered around meaninglessly like every teenager would at the time of their age. When cupid played me, i somehow disciplined myself to think that other prettier girls were not as eye-catching as Akasha. When cupid left me, the discipline didn't. I spend the whole time following the more familiar sneakers worn by the more familiar ones. I couldn't see myself back then, but i imagined myself to look like this low self-esteem kid who gets frequently ignored or bullied.

Finally we decided to leave the place, and Akasha was nowhere to be seen yet - thankfully. I've heard from different gangs that she, with gaara was sighted somewhere around. For just only that short moment, i wished i was deaf. Then for the next, i wished i was blind.

Them. Their wrists bore the same fluorescent bracelet. Their hands wore each others' hand. Our eyes recognized each other's but mine was trying very hard not to. I guessed it never bothered her at all as much as it bothered me. I froze, and it felt like i swallowed my own heart. They stopped for her to say the usual hi-bye.

'i thought you weren't gonna come.'

I broke my record for raising my head to the highest angle on that day. And gave her the look as blank as infinity. And that alone was my respond. I didnt care if it was rude. I never thought that friends only could hold each other's hand so intimately. (Please understand that i suffer from mental retardation)

'let me introduce you to my friend, gaara.'

Still friend only? What i saw and what i heard didn't match. Even a moron could tell. I gave him the same cold look i gave her. He returned the favor. He probably recognized me from somewhere or someone's mouth. And that i no longer pose any threat. To look less like a sore loser, i forced out a faint smile. To look more like a sporting winner, he offered a handshake.

'and this is raggy.'

His hand was like any ordinary hand except that it was very well built. It took me a few seconds to realise that i was supposed to return the handshake. Sometimes i wished we were Japanese because we could just.. bow.

Akasha realised that she had being doing the talking all the while and gave us the space to say something. We stood and stared in silence. As if i was raising the white flag, i waved goodbye, stiffly. Maybe they said goodbye. Or they didn't. I didn't pay attention so i didnt remember. We parted ways.

It rained before we reached our car. We had to shelther ourselves in the same area. I imagined how secure she would be resting on his hunky chest. I imagined how happy she would be laughing to his flirty jokes. I imagined how blessed he would be examining her little actions and expressions. I imagined how his heart would skip beats once she respond positively to his advances. I squatted in the corner hoping nobody would notice me. I wanted to disappear. A kindred soul came and patted me on the back. I didn't remember who. I remembered ignoring a few jokes that would usually make me laugh. I remembered that i was told that there were many other fishes in the sea but didnt remember who was the person who told me. Then the sky stopped crying. My heart started to however.

******************(flashback ends)*************

No, pictures shouldn't have more effect than having it seen live, right? The captured moment seemed permanent. Anyone would've hoped to look as pleasant as that forever. If i wasnt this selfish i would've being admiring how matchingly romantic they look. Like the usual happy ending of the usual chick flick. Or the lead picture of an advertistment bridal shops would pay millions for. Or a complicated piece of jigsaw puzzle, finally being put together in all the correct places. From a stranger's perspective, the pictures i'd taken with her seem to be dull, outcolored by what that were in front of my eyes now. I blamed the camera. and the scenery. and the cameraman. and all that was just to serve as an imaginary placebo, to an imaginary disease called jealousy.

I stared and stared and stared and realised my eyes were failing me physically and morally. Eventually i gave up staring and succumbed to sleeping. I was so sure that i was gonna sleep moments ago, but not anymore. The image seemed to appear on the ceiling, wall, pillow, and even on my eyelids. Logic, desire, emotions and assumptions entangled each other. Logic and assumptions told me that i needed to know. And give up. And cherish... them. Desire and emotions told me a different story. That i was the main character in a typical romantic film where the average village guy gets the happy ending. Or that this was all social. But the fact that she did upload those pictures manually told me that she wasnt afraid that people would know about herself looking as if she belonged to him. Needless to say, she didnt bother what would i think from doing that. But we took some pictures together like that, right? and ff#14-20. On the contrary, she looked more colorful on the recent picture. and ff#21-26. What would happen to the visit?

Irrational thoughts like going Australia and give her Epic and then return Malaysia at the same day surfaced. But what would happen to Epic itself? All my self-satisfying ideas showed its worthlessness now. I thought of Uncommon and didnt start it at all. I shouldn't bother her right? But it bothers me so much. I really wanted to sleep. I see the pointlessness in thinking of these. Then i didnt. Fantasies and wild imagination like the piano battle scene fom Secret (ff#17) came in but dissipated within seconds due to my zero knowledge and initiative about learning music. To console myself at the very same moment, i told myself that she wouldn't just pick a guy because he was more superior in music, but the person as for the person itself.

The recurring image of them demoralised me again. I compared our faces secretly and felt like hiding mine inside a brown paper bag. How long did she know him? I hoped it wasn't long. Then somehow i hoped it was because of my ego. How old is he? I hoped he was younger than her. Then, again, somehow i hoped he wasn't because of my ego. Would he treat her nice, long term? I don't know what to hope for, sincerely.

Then all the feather fragments visited me. And those less interesting ones that i didn't include in the feather fragments. Then i came across the thought that i was just thinking in circles, everything i think of was just a repeat of things i have thought before and i would be as tired as awhile ago to sleep. Yes, to sleep. It was easy. Really. Just five more minutes. Then i wouldn't be aware of dozing off.

The next thing i know i heard the morning bird called. I would fall asleep any time now right? I would. Yes, i would. Pianist. With Siren. Sleeping is healthy. Siren looks healthier with Pianist. Don't think of anything! Count sheeps. One, two, three, four, five, six, siren, eight, nine, pianist. Okay not working. I checked the time. Seven. Eight thirty. Nine. Siren should be awake at 1-2 pm right? Eleven would be the time i call her, i decided to myself.

*

Eleven. I told myself i'm the bravest man in the world. VIIIXIIIIIIVVIIIIIVIIIO. I thought i was nervous but i wasn't. Maybe because of the lack of sleep.

'i saw the facebook pictures.. who's that guy?'
'oh... a friend lo. keke'
'what's your relationship with him? you like him?'

tbc..

p.s: if this violates you (boushbell and akasha) in any way, feel free to tell me to take it down.