feather fragments # 24: taint

being contemplating cutting myself. here goes. they aren't in chronological order.

*******

'got miss me ma?'
'got la.'

We both sounded somewhat cheerful. Because i liked her respond. And occasionally she would be the one asking. Little did i know missing someone is a terrible thing. Quoting myself, i should learn to be more greedy; i somehow thought that being missed by her was satisfying enough, but it wasn't enough. In fact it is far from enough, for everyone else normal.

*
(random different occasion)
'got miss me ma?'
'miss you all lo.'
'huh? you all?'
'my friends and family in penang lo. the gang also lo. keke.'

Upon hearing that i swallowed a gulp. Maybe i should significantly let her know that i was selfishly asking this question for myself but thank god i didn't. She knew i was asking that question for myself right? And that was a deflect. Or maybe she was just telling me what was on her mind and her friends and family are at that moment occupying it. I kept my cool and ignored the crack in the dam.

*
Anyhow she would swap between those two answers, with the one that i wanted to hear more being the prevalent one. But the fact that she's not replying consistently bothers me. To a minor extend, though, but to that extend it's here in this blog.

*****
Remember the first time i proposed visiting her? It was a good idea. Back then. For both of us. I think. It was gradually becoming a less and less good idea. Day by day. For her. It is a fact.

'so you said your holidays are in june-july-ish. You checked? Let me know ASAP kay, wanna get cheaper flights.'
'woahh. you really gonna come mieh?'

We were on the phone. We couldn't see each other's expressions. Or i couldn't see her expressions and she couldn't be bothered seeing mine. I was confusing myself between thoughts like 'the-would-be-butterfly-effect-of-not-getting-her-number', 'why-was-she-doubting-me-so-much' and 'no, it-indirectly-means-she-doesnt-want-me-to-go.' Of course, she didn't sound like she did during turning point. I strived.

'yes la. you tell me when you are available to let me find la haha.'

*

(different occasion,phone call made lying on bed)
"so have you found out when would you have time for me?"
"wei you really gonna come mieh?"

It didn't sound convincing enough that she didn't want me to go. Nor promising. Maybe she's busy at that moment, but finding the date out shouldn't be so uneagerly troublesome, right? I paused momentarily to catch my breath, wondering why my simple chinese was so incomprehensible. And no, she never came across the thought that i was wrecking my nerves trying that long distance visit feat. After seconds of recomposing myself, i tried my best to sound sincere so she wouldn't repeat that question.

"yes."
"but coming here is so expensive."
"it'll be worthwhile."
"but it's really very expensive...'

As for someone like me, i gathered a lot of courage to declare that statement and she just trampled over it within a few seconds. I saw something wrong there, but i, at that moment, still firmly stood by my declaration.

*
(random ocassion, stuck in traffic)

"you really gonna come ar? i don't really know where to bring you around wor."
"ya laaa. it's okay."

I optimistically thought that, at least she intended to being my tour guide, so to some extend she's okay with me visiting right? Else she wouldn't be inquiring or answering if one of us miss the other of us, right?

"but where are you gonna stay?"

An innocent question that means a lot of things. The scene became something similar to the moment of truth. I didn't try my best to provide an intellectual reply, but nevertheless i made an attempt. A weak one, though.

"your place?"
"my place ar..... kinda small worr."
"oh. er.. meaning?"
"furthermore you're a guy and i'm a girl. Sharing and sleeping in a room. What could people think ar?"
"meaning no?"
"not too decent la. and it's really small. i dont really know where to let you sleep."

Kudos to myself bombarding myself as i'm writing this. An intense surge of guilt of belittling Onion's offer streamed into my consciousness. I used to laugh at his ingeniously perverted plan that he crafted out for me and now it bited back at me. I remembered that she didn't allow me in her room back in mandate. I had to lick my wound by assuming Siren is this conservative girl to go against cohabitiliating. Curiousity alone might prove me wrong so i'm satisfied with not knowing exactly.

This incident itself is a very bad sign. Simple logic deduces the cruelest answers. Yet it wasn't enough to hinder a determined pervert like me. Yet.

*
(random ocasion, walking around the house)

"so found out when would you be free yet? if not i would force myself there on the 1st of July."

Took me lots of courage, again, to say that. I don't know if i should feel proud or ashamed. Logic told me that she would've eagerly informed me of her specified available date and even accomodated me if she really wanted me to visit her. Neither happened. Perservance told me that i had to fight for my own happiness. I'mma try to make something happen.

"i'm still uncertain if i have enough time for you la. I have holidays on till end of june, then it will be exam period."
"so june's not interfered.."
"you coming just because of me right?"
"yeah.."
"if so i'm really scared if you travelled so far and i couldn't allocate time for you. Why not like that, you come at the end of the year, that would be when and after i graduate. I'm pretty sure i will be free then. Then let's go back together?"

That surprised me. Totally. It sounded like a good idea for a few seconds. Then it sounded fishy. Then it became the same old good idea the few seconds ago. Repeat. The inclusion of the word 'together' was so soothing all the negative deductions from her cold reactions towards me were temporarily voided. However, doing so would prolong the next time we meet each other. Things might happen in between. I couldn't stop my paranoia from making up stories like she's-delaying-the-meeting-time-to-grant-more-space-for-her-to-deny-me. Maybe it was just my bad experience. That wasn't negligible.

I was immersed in my chaotic mind for awhile and produced sounds that give people the impression that im retarded if they hear me. Indecisiveness is a sin to impressing girls and i was commiting in broad daylight.

"errrr........ hmmm...... errrrr (after some time) i'll think about it."

********
I told my parents about visiting her. It was nerve-wrecking. Like you had to show them your report card and you failed all the subjects. Due to the negative signs, my dad was skeptical against the idea and was stating out all the deductions that i've produced long ago. And so, the cynical questions were countered with the most optimistic answers that i usually wouldn't give under normal conditions. I couldn't help feeling ironic and not very myself.

But i've let them knew. For what I've being through, it's very reclutant for me to pull out. Just like that.

************

No, she didnt reply that facebook reply on the professional refresher. No, she didn't made any effort to call me back there. She did, horridly rarely though, take the iniatitive to message me on MSN. And if she did it could probably be the day where more than a hundred people got struck by lightning in the whole wide world. Or the day she got into a high fever. or after a lengthy phone conversation which i assumed she enjoyed. or the time he went back.

*************

I agreed on the November idea, after much consideration. I don't know if it was only me, but she seemed relieved to hear it. Look at the bright side, more time for epic.

tbc..