feather fragments # 20: turning point

She had to pack right? She had to spend time with her family right? I planned to leave her alone on Tuesday. And i did. And wanted to take an advanced-annual-half-day-leave (i was still in probation at work so actually no leaves can be taken) so that i could meet her before sending her off to the airport. Was all hyped up. Till my supervisor told me advanced annual leaves doesnt come in halves, taking a full day was the only option. You ought to know what i picked. Without hestitation. And told her about it hoping she would spend more time with me for sacrificing little things for her.

******

25th February 2009. Noon. Superstitiously drove to Queensbay hoping for a good omen. Yeah, you know me, i create my own beliefs where one action cause another result that has no link at all. Get me? Nevermind if you don't. It simply meant i was getting the last keychain bearing her last name. Remember the scrapped idea? I placed the two key chains in my wallet to remember about it.

And i got it. I brought my heart an imaginary party hat and colorful balloons and ribbons and confettis. I never prayed, but i reckoned it would feel the same. The unexplanable peace and assurance you get from a good omen.

**********

Went home and waited and wondered would she only get me only to fetch her there and sent her off just in time. I imagined pessimistically if that happened what would my parents do to me. I imagined how would i waste a day's leave staying at home during work hours while i actually could still go to work and still make it in time, but only just to get her there, meaning that she wouldnt wanna meet me unnecessarily. The spiral of negative thoughts occupied me so much that it prevented me from doing anything productive besides sitting by the phone and waiting for the call. Each silent second that passed by was dreadful. For mental stability, I relied on the three keychains like holy charms. I laid idle on my bed. As eager and hopeless as dead.

4pm. Sahara rang. Siren. Rised from the dead. Changed. Charged to her house. Met her grandma. Helped her moved her stuff into my car clumsily and i was laughed at.

'Notice anything different about me?'

Looked at her. She didn't return eye contact but knew that i was looking and blinked. I couldn't differentiate if it was intentional or not. She was wearing a red T-shirt that i've never seen before. Jeans. and slippers. The thought of bringing her to the destination safely came to me so i turned my line of sight to the road again. Clear. Turned to her and Siren still looked like Siren. Somebody hit me in the head for being so not observant. and blunt.

'no ar. still so pretty. what's so different about you?'
'i didn't put any makeup.'

Fail. What was more was that i almost always notice if she applied or not during our previous meetings. The instant of guilt gave me a period where you could gouge my eyes out and i would feel that i deserve it as a punishment. Optimisically i thought to myself that, at least she wanted me to notice her, right? I'll keep that in mind next time.

****

Somewhere along the ride. Scotland road. Surprised me that she took the initiative to say that. It pleases/d me anyway.

'erm. due to limited bag space i only took one of the albums you gave me which you said its nicer to Melb. and the pendrive too because i didnt have time to transfer so i think i'd be only returning you at the end of the year.'
'oh. listened to it?'
'got lo. but browsed through it nia.'
'any song you think its nice?'
'errr... dunno never remember the titles. I remember there's a 'memory' there.'
'oh at least you did and remembered one, even if its that.'
'it's because it is so distinct from the other songs'

******
'you use SkyPE?'
'rarely. had an account that has only a few contacts in it.'
'me too. i remember creating one just to show my mum how it works. Add me ok?'
'ok. thru msn la haha. i dont remember it now also'
'neither do i'

Nope never used it. Dont ask. I dont even remember the account name i created for my mum.

'hows the phone services in australia like? what number you using? do you change everytime you come back?'
'nope i use the same australian number all the while. what, you gonna call me?'
'you let? what about the malaysian number? you keeping it?'
'haa. think i would.'

I know i'm a pervert when i have friends in Australia and never asked them about it.

******
Talked. She promised me dinner on her for the transportation. Reached Queensbay. Breeks. Spaghetti and Chicken. Bill. She surfaced her pursue and thought she saw me being masochist because i brought up my wallet at the same time.

'hey i promised to pay!'

She gestured me to prevent me from paying. I let her. My expressions changed, but it was all planned spontaneously. I turned into a scourge, a man capable of indecencies and miseries, and bringing out the wallet act was just a hypocritical formality.

'you really thought i was gonna pay? lian pi hou!' (face thick)

The twist of personality, in my opinion, caught her attention. Just when she was gonna think Jekyl had became Hyde, i unveiled the three keychains, lining up to properly spell her name in chinese. I was/AM somehow proud of my smooth execution; she gasped, covered her mouth momentarily, kept smiling, and kept exchanging glances on me and the keychains.

'wow. you even cut off any excuses for me to return you these.'

I acted as if chivalry was my middle name. And still wanted the assurance that i always wanted.

'haha. is it that i cant give these to anyone but you?'

Her smile had not left her. Seeing her being so lively was so nourishing i would pay anything for moments like these. It took her awhile to comprehend what i said and nodded slightly upon recovery.

'but hior, how do i keep it or use it? its a bit bulky for anything to put them together.'

My sense of achievement had left me. I came across that thought but never came to a perfect solution to that matter since my superstitous attitude has blinded me.

'maybe one at the purse, one at the bag, and one for your keys?'

She then saw this banner of a shoplet where the boss of the shop had ran away and the shop was hard selling the remaining products. And nudged me to look at it which diverted us from the topic. I took a picture of the banner. She asked me to send her that picture at that time. She never did. Till now.

****
Walked. About time to head to the airport. We paid attention to each other's words, gestures, body languages, and eyes. It brought my hand around her shoulder again. This time, it was more natural. Our conversation flow wasn't altered by my obviously intentional contact. This time, it was more comfortable. I was less nervous relatively although i still was but i guess experience teaches well. This time, it was slightly longer than the previous time. Around 1 minute. Longest record for raggy. Walking period from the elevator to car parked in the interval floors. As if the treat wasnt sumptous enough, some spices were added to enhance the bliss. Physical appearence comparisons and compliments from her. Heaven's a lie's a lie.

Let go of her when we entered the car. Questions like 'Why-didnt-they-make-the-car-park-bigger?' or 'why-didnt-i-park-the-car-further?' came spiralling in my irrationally-overly-happy-and-greedy mind. Nevertheless the continuity of our communication was still good. Secretly i told myself to appreciate what happened and to play safe so to not screw up big time.

*****
Reached airport. Lust gave me the strength to carry her slightly overweighted luggage around. My wobbliness never ceased to make her giggle. Teased. Thanked. Queued at the wrong place. Teased again. Silly laughters. SMS-ed. The one word message 'bye'. To a number of her friends. Recipients included me, upon my request though. More silly laughters. Nothing interest about this paragraph, it just served to boast about my memory. Of little negligible actions with her.

**** ####### (the parts within ### are in random order. Wasnt sure so included these)####

'can i see your phone and the pictures in it?'

Immediately i remembered that I had a picture of myself having my hand over Akasha in it. That image hit me like a sniper bullet. I contemplated for awhile and decided to believe that honesty is the best policy.

'erm.. there are things that i cannot show you.'
'what is it? i want to see! i want to see!'
'here. these are the things i dont want to show you.'

Ironically what i said doesnt match what i did. I have this pathetic ideology that i'll suffer lesser consequences by revealing the truth before being found out. I searched for that picture, took a deep breath and showed her that before anything else. Her expressions was as good as expression-less as she saw that picture. I suspected, and hoped that she was hiding the words that were going through her mind. For that few seconds of revelation, she remained silent.

'hmm. got disappointed or jealous?'
'just friends ma. haha.'
'cheh. was hoping that you are jealous.'

The silence continued. Made me wonder what her 'just friends ma' meant. Us, or me and Akasha? She continued browsing through the less interesting pictures that was in my phone. The feeling resembled when an angel had left me. I asked for hers but she didnt allowed to show hers to me. Note taken.

*****
Sat around the coffee bean before sending her off. Took a few pictures of her. And saw the usual Siren who checks if the picture taken is presentable enough to be saved. Then i tried taking pictures of us both but i was too inexperienced in camwhoring. So we resorted to some help from passerbys. Few had my arm over her shoulder, which retarded my acceptance when i saw those pictures that dont have anybody tagged. (you ought to know what i am meaning if you have her facebook)

Asked me to send her the pictures too, back then. And she totally forgotten about it.

********
Looked into her eyes as focused-ly as possible. Cleared my head of negative thoughts. And brought out a smile that wasnt too sweet nor too fake. I reminded myself of the last words during pinch me. As i saw an imaginary reflection of myself within her eyes, i uttered,

'are you gonna miss me?'

My eyes somehow sent a message that i remembered what we talked about two days ago. The receiving stare seemed promising. For a moment i thought i was lost in time and space. Then for the next few moments i thought that maybe i should ask something better like the 'official question'. Rationally, or cowardly, i withdrew the idea based on the fact that we only knew each other for two months and were intimate with each other for only four feather fragments.

My heart skipped a few beats but i noticed she chuckled slightly and our eye contact was still intact. She nodded, and took some time to clear her throat to say,

'hui la' (gonna)

My heart ate a popsicle. An exothermic chemical reaction has just occured. The chemical residues both soothed and stimulated the reaction container. Maybe she wasn't clearing her throat and was expecting me to for ask something more. Or i'M just being too optimistic. because she said,

'je yang mei you chen yi de!' (so insincere wan)

A virtual giant exclaimation mark floated above my head. I envied how Juliet believed Romeo. The usual me licked my own wound again by telling myself that, at least she wanted me to be sincere.

'zhen yang chai hui you chen yi leh?' (how to have sincerity?)
'ni mong jian wo jui ke yi liao lo.' (dream of me then ok already)

Those words willingly chained me to her prison. What i replied later, was the truth, it's up to you to believe me or not. Because it sounded too cheesy and flirtatous.

'ru guo yi jing mong guo ni liao leh?' (what if i've already did dreamt?)
'mong duo yi dian lo.' (dream of me more lo.)

Never thought those words were so literal now. Dre-ee-eam. dream, dream, dream. Dre-ee-eam.

****

'Would you be happy if i were to visit you in Aus?'

As if she got infected by a mild tetanus, her jaw dropped for awhile and couldnt seem to close it properly. But it wasn't tetanus, a little bird tells me that she found it too good to be true.

'really?'
'do i look like i'm joking?'
'would happy la. but really ar?'
'dont doubt me.'
'erm. i think i would be having my hols on june-july-ish. you let me know before you come ok?'

AND THOSE WERE HER EXACT (TRANSLATED) WORDS. Fuck all of you who thought i was gonna go fuck around and bother her.

*******

'can i hug you?'
'haaa?'

I ignored her. And took a step forward. That step was enough to place my flabby biceps around hers. My hands formed a knot behind her spine. My chin was on her slightly scarlet slight lyvelvet mostly black long silky hair, within sniffing range. And did what a pervert would always do, sniffed. and felt her hands finding two random spots, on my back, next to each other to place. Everything else in sight seemed to lost its colors. Everything else in this world that mattered seemed to lost its values. The salvation, or MY self-perceived salvation, lasted 9-10 seconds. Uncontrollably i murmured behind her ears.

'this was my first time.'

I lied. If any physical hug was considered a hug, yea it was a lie. I remembered trying to hug Akasha but she rebuffed me by telling me its for my birthday and its December. To save my face i guess.

We let go of each other. Subsequently I lost the key to the second padlock of Siren's chain. And didn't care. Rather it lost eternally.

As if.

*********###########(pretty sure the sequence of things after this part)#######

It was time. She walked. And kept turned around and smiled and waved. Went into the MAS gateway but realised her flight was SIA's, requiring her to walk back to where i was. It was another moment i was wondering if i was being rational or cowardly again. I just stood there and watched and waved. She resumed the three actions again. But i knew i couldnt see far,as i just lost my glasses the day before. I maintained the same motion even though she was out of range of sight anymore. For one minute. I didnt care how the onlookers would think of me. I wondered if she would suddenly became insane and retreated back to where i was at the sixty-first second in hopes of telling each other very important things. Closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked like the airport never wanted me to leave. Or like i didnt want to leave it.

Received an sms later on when i was driving home.

'thanks for everything. would be back in november. hope can chat with you more on msn!'

I thought i was critical in thinking. Deduced the possiblity that she would be boarding her plane already. And i was driving. So replied her a message as short as possible so she would read it in time before her Maxis number became out of service. I wonder if she expected more.

'miss u lots.'

Punish me. Mutilate me. Kill me. Little did i know I didnt get her Australia number even we talked about it.
********

Somehow i managed to convince myself with blinded faith and fairy tales. The vortex of unsorted thoughts cancel each other out, strangely resulted me to behave towards her departure neutrally. I was told by friends that i would go over-the-top kind of emo but no, i was pretty composed myself, back then. Pinch me, angels, typical rarity, and 14:February were replayed in my mind and analyzed almost excessively that had generated enough serotonins which had removed my anxiety on the incoming absence of flesh. I recognize/d my own unrequited patience and reminded myself that what belongs to you will always belong to you; and this would be viewed as, a test. A test of my capability and abilities to wait, that will prove to her how secure i can be in hopes of disinfecting her plague to think that young age doesnt govern the fidelity of a person. Unlike everybody else, i was so confident that i dont grieve during the gateway of physical absence. i sensed that a few people might point out and humiliate me that i was never being in a relationship before. And that i could never understand. Maybe i really don't. But know this, it's my naivety that had lead me to indulge in this fair-ealit-y tale.

tbc..

p.s: ff:20 ends here

终于我犯了罪 永远在此沉睡 就算崩溃 也要追回 记忆的美

feather fragments # 19: pinch me

The excuse now was ice cream. More than happy to see ok ar. Too soon to be happy yet though. Anyone could just cancel it last minute and you cannot do anything about it. I'm experienced. Hence my paranoia. Receiving any messages between the time she agreed and the time we agreed to meet is like a taboo to me. My heart would skip beats upon hearing the message notification alert urging me irresponsibly to activate the silent mode of my phone and disable its vibration. But no, i didnt do that, as truth must be dealt with honorably.

6pm. Taboo time. The usual happenings i encounter happened. Siren had to dine with her family somewhere outside. Told me off because she couldn't really promise me her presence. Believe me, i was handling it well. Partially was because of the beyond satisfaction treatment she gave me.

8pm.++ She told me her mum might participate in some singing competition for the function her family was attending. So it might be very late. Nothing to jump for joy about, but I was rather content that she would report to me about this.

10pm++. She called. She told me she was available for our meeting already. Requested if i could fetch her. I should hit myself silly because i didnt know where pacific is. Then when she was about to tell me the location, the line cut off. I was taken aback by her initiative, nonetheless died and went to heaven. She already cancelled right? I couldn't help but think that some part of her treasures my company.

I spent a few minutes embracing the heavens and came back to reality. Tried calling her or messaging her. My second time turning on my message delivery report notification and my phone was my best friend. Ah. What happened to her? Her careless mistake again?

Around 1030pm. I became a bitch to some of my friends. Toby was one victim. Nevertheless i couldn't thank him enough, he provided me Siren's home number. Siren told me she was ready, she might be heading home a bit later right? I waited for every 15 minute intervals to actually call to her house. I even thought of going to her house and wait for her to come back but it was late. Yes, you can curse me for not doing that because i feel like cursing myself for that too. Very much.

3rd attempt. Someone answered. Her mum i guessed. Summoned her. It was like 1130 to 1200. Asked her to guess who was i when i was still anonymous. She got it. This became my trademark greeting with her in almost every time i call her.

Talked about myriad stuffs regarding the dinner just now and how prepared was her to go back to Australia. The last lines of our conversation got stuck in my head though.

'ask you something la. before we hang up. you got miss me boh?'
'hmmm. dont ask me now. ask me when you're sending me off in the airport ok?'
'okay.'

If you could see me that time i nodded incessantly and my eyes were almost in tears. I wasn't expecting her to say that but it was something i wanted to hear the most. I should learn to be more greedy.

call/normal

I slid my phone open. I sensed that pressing that few numbers would result in an incoming panic attack. Nobody was home but me. The loneliness mysteriously contributed some slight factor of comfort. Every device in the house was switched off, i would hear every minute sound around me but they didnt seem to register in my mind. All signs lead to nothing and doing nothing about her the best thing that i can and should do. I'm entangled by my own illusion of things and somehow i seem to like it that way. I saw her smiling face, an image, which is real, but is more imaginary than real. I unslid my phone.


I slid my phone open. Because of the fact that i slid it open for the first time. And the fact that the lights doesnt turn off immediately after i revert it back to its unslided position. I assured myself that i'm too good for a panic attack. Pressed the numbers for the operator. I reminded myself how lonely i am and wanted to feel as if someone is calling me by their initiative. And wanted to look cool to those invisible CCTVs in my room. So i unslid my phone. And left it on the table.


I pretended as if i wasnt suspecting a call. I changed. The return call from the operator seemed forever. I lost my patience. Slid my phone open. Redialled. A message alert. My phone seemed to send me a message by sending a message that the previous called was voice mailed. No dial tone. Because that message cancelled that redialling call. To regain immoral support, i looked at the image again. The smile looked less like a smile. I unslid my phone.

The call card wasnt used since purchase. Supposed to be yesterday. And yesterday's yesterday. I slid my phone open, so that today wouldn't be another yesterday. Panic resurfaced, causing hestitation. I know i memorized her number. Somehow i feared that there's this possibility that i might forget the number so i refreshed my doubtful memory of the number. And resumed to the picture. And wanted to key in the numbers. And forgot. And unslid my phone.

The lights doesnt turn off. Now her smile looked more like a smile. Maybe it's angle. or the angels. or i'm mad. Checked on the number again. No, it didn't secretly change by itself. I'm certain. I'm certain. Well, i wasnt. What the heck. My fingers ran through the numbers as fast as possible. I'm still certain. I lost all senses of sight, feel (touch), and scent. Beautiful women dont capture my eyes now.

It took an eternity but it was only awhile when i heard the dial tone. Due to the distance of the call, the dial tone was distinct. It sounded like a distortion of frequencies and heartbeats. First dial tone. Fourth dial tone. Second dial tone. Seventh dial tone. Third dial tone. Fifth dial tone. Ninth dial tone. Sixth dial tone. I was about to unslid my phone on the infinity-th dial tone.

It connected. A few thousand miliseconds of silence. I imagined my heart followed the frequency. But my heart is normal. I pictured myself saying the usual first line i always say when i called her.

'waii'

A man's voice. Her man's voice? It sounded like...heck i dont wanna remember. Was she unavailable somewhere and he was with her so he answered for her? Suddenly i felt like if i had cancer i rather not know i have. Or it could just be that i pressed the wrong numbers. I own dramaqueens in terms of drama.

'hello?'

The unfamiliar voice again. It echoed itself to familiarity. Its innonence knocked me out of my evil intentions. Wait. I am not evil! Why am i scared? and guilty? I don't know why but i knew i was. I'm too fragile to take this. If this was a movie, I'm the first pawn of a villian to die, those that just got killed in a random gunshot and you wouldn't bother remember watching him die. Nevertheless I died politely.

'Sorry wrong number.'

The echo continued. Silently. Persistently. I unslid my phone. Like finally. For that day.

feather fragments # 18: mandate

22nd February 2009. Toby called. Told me that Siren had some problems with her internet connection and told me to check for her. I wondered why she didn't go through me directly. Didnt last long though, she called moments later to ask for help. I wasn't exactly free at the moment she requested help but i made myself available in 30 minutes time after some discussion with my parents. Sadly by that time she wasn't free herself. Her choir friends accompanied her to shop for the trip to return to Melbourne.

So we agreed to meet at her house at night. She sent me another message that you can label it misleading but it amused me to no end.

'hope can see you later tonight to fix my internet.'

Yeah that totally sounded normal. Maybe if i didn't had this intense crush on her i would just reply 'ok' without giving it much analysis. Or maybe i wouldn't reply. But this is Siren. It tickles me to see the 'hope-can-see-you-later' , in a positive manner. If she rephrased the sentence to only a simple 'see-you-later' it wouldn't be this itchy because it would just sound like a formality. Ah, this paragraph is bullcrap but this was how my poisoned heart danced to my corrupted mind.

********
Fetched her from gurney to her house. Her friends would be visiting the house some time later too.

So we were in her house again. She went upstairs. I almost followed. For no reason, or to make myself look less perverted and more gentleman, i asked,

'hmmm you let me enter your room?'

Her expressions looked like she left her house and she forgotten to bring her handphone. She turned around and paralyzed for a few seconds that seemed like the few seconds contestants of who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire getting to know if their selected answers are correct, as for me.

'ermm.. no. my room very messy.'

It was very confusing because she shook her head and was smiling and the same time. It was more confusing than very-confusing that i kept calling myself a pervert because i complied to her request. Nonetheless I persisted, with little effort of being less a gentleman.

'but i want to see your room. i dont mind if it's messy.'
'paiseh la its really messy. i take my laptop down har you stay here.'

To feel good about myself, i brainwashed myself to think that being obedient to her requests might earn me some bonus points. To feel better about myself, i felt like piercing myself with thaipusam needles on my mouth so i don't act noble and ask stupid questions like do-you-let-me-enter-your-room in the future. I stood there alone recalling on what happened yesterday and pondered if my 'no-action's caused this.

'dont come up weii!'

She changed to her PJ-s and came down with the laptop. No wonder. We both sat at the ground of her living room. The lineup of the dead roses were still there. I recognized mine and never thought that seeing dead roses were that beautiful before. Acting like a computer nerd, i studied her computer settings to her wireless and it seemed perfectly normal, just that there were no packets received at all. But i didn't really know what to do.

It felt like a mandate that her computer problems were just a coincidence to let us meet each other again. This was because the only thing i did was right click on her wireless icon, and select 'repair' and it... worked. Maybe the fallen angels yesterday felt bad and came back and aided me in this as a consolation prize. Honestly i told her that i didnt really knew what did i do to make it work and she replied that she totally understood how i felt because it happened to her before when her sister's comp had similar problems. For horny reasons, i playfully choked her and she seemed to struggle with little effort by retracting her shoulders which made withdrawing my hand harder. She knew that she teased me and laughed at minimal. I let go of my hand and retreated it to somewhere close enough to settle down for another attack.

Now i no longer had a valid reason to be there. But i was still there. Siren seemed to adore me as her audience. When the connection was up, she suggested that she sing to some songs from youtube-i dont know the title nor the artist (marthamcbride). She even brought down speakers because the sound from the laptop speaker couldnt cope with her voice.

Then she would show me different kinds of opera acts. Then Vitas. Then some chinese oldman that could go super high pitch. But she thinks he's annoying. Then Vitas again, on Ave Maria. And commented his version was not good enough. And also he sang with his eyes closed. Then Sumi Jo on the same song. And complimented on her ease on breathing and technique which i couldnt tell and why did i remember till now also i dont know. Then some kid who sang Queen of the Night and commented that his singing method which was unhealthy, long term. Then she would link to another billy? something kid who sang what about us. It felt like a one way communication so i forced myself to think of something worth showing her. But i knew nothing! I needed something extraordinary.

The thought of an angel, Gabriel helped again. At that time he recently linked a korean kid aged around 9-10 playing really good guitar in his blog. So that was the something i came up with in hopes returning the favor. She remained neutral, not too fascinated nor too disappointed. Maybe it wasnt extraordinary enough.

Some time in between she turned to me. Looked at me. Our distance each other was within electrostatic range. I was caught off guard with what i assumed, a test of guess question. The recurring one.

'you feel that i'm fat or not?'

I knew the previous reaction of mine to that question failed. My mind went into a chaotic storm and empathy came out of the rumble of the nerves. I returned her stare, and stated the worst possible answer.

'have you seen my tummy?'

It wasn't only silence, she looked away. It felt like missing the bus because you were only a few seconds late. What was more was you ran for the bus but buses werent invented to travel slower than usual human running speed so you wouldnt catch up to it by any normal means. Disappointments are good teachers though. Now i know what not to answer upon hearing that question.

The next and last thing i showed her was archenemy. ArchEnemy is a female-fronted metal band where the vocalist literally growled. Her expressions seemed different now. I thought she might be disgusted, but she actually extended her head nearer to the monitor. She laughingly commented that her voice would crack in no time and took control of the mouse i was holding to search for a clip about her usual talking voice to prove herself correct. Unexpectedly, what she clicked was a clip on an interview, or a lesson about growling. What was more was that the teacher's a female. It kinda felt good in an evil way for awhile.

However that didn't last long. She started to make ju-on sounds in hopes of imitating it! I was guilty as hell as growling would damage a singer's throat to make smooth voices even if the growl technique is correct. I know that for a fact.

Suddenly, her friends reached her house in such a wrong time. One of them is even her singing teacher! Siren went missing for the guests and the teacher sat on the sofa, behind the ground where i was sitting. I turned around and smiled but she looked so moody as if she just quarreled with her husband. She's no medusa but a slight glance at her petrified me. I escaped into a what seemed safer zone and pretended i was actually petrified, hoping that she wouldn't cast her mighty stone gaze on me. In order to not provoke the wrath of the classical singing people, my swift hands closed the tabs on the demon impersonators before leaving the hazardous area.

For a moment i felt relieved. Siren showed them the version of Ave Maria from Vitas because it was showing on the highlighted page. My peace from guilt didn't last long though, Siren herself told them that this idiot over there (me) found something interesting that she wanted to show them, much to my horror.

I dont want to ruin Siren's voice. Or i dont want to known as the one who did. As cowardly as i was, i ran. Well, not really, i took my leave. It was 1130 and i had to work tomorrow and all that were just excuses.

(Oh, i didnt recall exactly when,but she asked me to fetch her to the airport on Wednesday. Hurray! I mean it.) (for continuity of the conversation next part)

'hey i'm leaving now.'
'huh? so early?'
'ermmm. your teacher looks damn fierce la. i say hi she no response wan.'
'er no la she's always like that at first. can talk really well wan.'
'i still feel a bit awkward err. Also, its late already. i have to work tomorrow.'
'ok la. goodnightandsweetdreams. bye. take care.'
'so i see you onnnnnnnnnn.....'
'wednesday?'
'ah i was hoping tomorrow. bye.'

I don't remember her replying. or that she did but she didnt agree on seeing me tomorrow. On a side note, it bothers me to listen to if-you-wanna-be-my-lover-you-gotta-get-with-my-friends from spice girls after this incident.

tbc..

feather fragments # 17: angels

Saturday. Siren day. Wished that i could make that everyday but my schedule didnt allow it. Back then, i could ask her out and she agreed without questioning me where to go or what to do like she did during goodnightandsweetdreams. Ha, i'm so good at making something out of nothing that misleads myself to no end.

The top at 13:February. Jeans. Usual make up. Usual lateness in coming out. Mom cooked some soup for her. Neither of us had anywhere in mind to go to. Well, for horny reasons i suddenly became adventurous and thought of bringing her to go around Penang Island although i do not know the exact route to go around it. Furthermore, my sense of direction is notorious of prolonging travel times to specific locations that i barely know of. Or maybe i was hoping that we could get lost together so there's something extraordinary happening to us that we could remember. Shhhh...

Siren talked about this friend of hers whom i knew of her existence due to NationalService. Indeed a small world, but it wasn't that surprising because this friend of hers sings so well i saw a full page writing about her singing in the newspapers. Spontaneously Siren missed her to the extent she called her and talked, from Island Plaza to the middle of the road after Batu Feringghi before Teluk Bahang. That was around 20 minutes. That made me think that Siren would take the initiative to call someone, just to talk. But it was never me. But the person she called was a girl. Hmm.

It was like 3-4pm when she ended her call and it was only then she told me she havent had her lunch. Upon hearing that, i slapped myself silly for not being caring enough to ask if she had had her lunch or not and squealed like an eunuch. She laughed and told me that i was cute for making that noise and i actually bought it because of the poison from typical rarity were still lingering in my veins. So we made a three point turn. Thinking that she would probably bored with Gurney and Queensbay being too far, i suggested that we go to Prangin although it's a bit dodgy. She shook her head. Even though she was hungry, she kind of forgotten it and suggested that we go to Fung's college just to look see. I protested, reasoning that nobody would be there since it was saturday afternoon. Disagreement. Crap. Then she suggested Gurney and i became fickle-minded and agreed. And let her drove my car. Or forced her to. Or taunted her to. Whatever.

She drove like she was having driving lessons. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Moreover, there was only one lane at where we were. The car was travelling in such a slow speed that a number of vehicles were literally queueing behind us. Not surprisingly, the driver behind us lost his patience and horned but she acted like nothing happened and continued driving at the same snail-like speed. Somewhere in the middle of the journey she told me she drove with both legs, with the right on the pedal and the left on brakes. It cracked me up. What goes around comes around; I told her that she was cute the way she told me i was. Nonetheless i like that kind of honesty; that she wasnt ashamed of letting me know her weakness. A number of cars sped pass us when they had the chance and glared into my car expecting to see an old lady but i think the sight of me and Siren laughing at each other further frustrated them. Her ignorance reminds me of myself... when i sing.

We finally managed to reach gurney. More opportunities for me to tease her, because she didn't dared to drive up that spiralling car park. We had to change seats in front of the ticket dispenser. Memorabily embarassing. I wonder if she hated me secretly already.

******

We made a stop at some random chinese restaurant in gurney for Siren to have her lunch.

'you know, sometimes you gotta guess what girls really want. Sometimes they can say one and mean another.'
'ha? i usually take words literally. i'm really bad at guessing.'
'qi si bu yao jing de la.'(actually, nevermind)

Somehow she looked like she grinned. Somehow she looked like she forced a facade-smile. Or a mixture of both. Sometimes i wished i was psychic. Anyhow i should be thankful that i wasnt blind because i could see that she was looking at me while saying that, all the while.

'well i usually meant everything i say. Brutal honesty. No return favors?'
'girls are like that. you have to really good at guessing. you would know if you in a relationship. i can't really specifically tell you how. learn from experience.'
'aw. i have zero experience. now you believe that i wasn't in a relationship before?'
'haha you really suck at guessing that sometimes. but that's ok keke.'

I wondered if the girls she mentioned include herself. Judging from now, i felt she meant almost every girl. I hated her nevermind though. So misleading. Maybe it was already a test of guess itself. Her expressions didnt really justify that the nevermind was a test. Or maybe it could just be a generalization statement. An advice for me in the future.

'Why do you always laugh?'
'Erm. Sometimes i don't really know what to say so i do it to prevent awkwardness.'
'Haaa? Meaning you were/are always awkward with me?'

I don't remember what she replied but I remembered finding myself in questions. We kept talking while we finished her food and started to walk around the mall. We would stumble at different shops and she would ask me which cloth/shoe/spec/etc is nicer. In response, i would always take some time to think and tell her an answer and asked about hers and she would ocassionally reply. I wonder if that kind of reaction is the best for her. By this happening, it answered my question-about-being-awkward-with-me by 30%, favoring my desire. Then i confirmed the next 70% when she told me,

'i tell you la, you will always have something to reply me to whatever i say.'
'huh? it's that a compliment for me being good at talking or an insult that i'm annoying?'
'SEE! like now. then i will have something to say back and you will have something to reply.'
'you talk a lot too. thankfully.'

Acting as if i'm a qualified counsellor, i lectured her of my theory of ratio and balance of conversational skills. If you were wondering why, it was just to keep the conversation going because i'M not so much of a good talker myself. Failed hard though. It only got her to say,

'oh got like that want ar?'

Then she saw a banner of this lamecrap-kungfuchef-style-chinese movie and wanted to watch it. I knew i was horny because i agreed without feeling reluctant because i usually would feel so given all the circumstances are similiar with a different person.

******

Finished the movie. We were walking around the place wondering where to eat as we weren't that hungry but still feel like doing something with each other. (i think) Aimlessly we hopped into my antennea-less car and wandered around the area without a specific destination. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe the mood was right. Or maybe she wanted to impress me haha. She replaced the car radio with her voice. She started humming almost silently and gradually she felt more and more comfortable to amplify her voice. Additionally, she was acting as the DJ/emcee to her one audience concert. She started with some tune from Italy. She didnt tell me the title or the artist of the song though. Not that i can remember it anyway. She told me about Italy's superiority in classical singing. Next on the playlist was some song from Germany. Well, i dont have any musical backgroud to write about the details. I listened in awe even though i was never interested in that genre. My heart reduced into a puddle of mud and the solvent of mud and heart itched all of my internal organs upon contact. Consequently, irrationality kicked in.

Effects of irrationality are usually bad. Siren did a part where she hit a high note and that got my irrationality to say,

'woah. if i weren't driving i would have already hugged you'

Hearing that, she just slided her eyeballs towards me momentarily and reverted back to the original position. And continued singing. Ignorance of perverts is bliss.

After that, she would tell me how sopranos usually warm up before practices or performances. Usually they travel through every note they can reach in quick sucession as to smoothen the change of notes for later. (????) Then they would stretch their voices like athletes stretch their body parts that they were gonna use. (????) Then she would tell me how unsuitable is she to sing usual pop songs because the techniques are different. Coupled with examples of herself trying to sing pop-style, and then classical-style of the same song. It did sound a bit weird of her singing pop but i am too shallow to judge about anything. It sounded good to me, though. Honestly, i enjoyed that treatment of hers. She knew i know nuts about music and nonetheless she was patient enough to explain bit by bit. I was hooked, even it was only to listen.

(????) - ( i remembered from my mere memory, true facts may differ)

Planned to stop at Sunset Bistro. Neither of us are good at directions. The only lead was that it was close to the Gardens. So i parked my car somewhere near there and we wandered around the area, hoping that luck would bring us to the place. But good luck had brought ME to the wrong place. We were clueless about where to go and was approaching this very eerily creepy dark deserted area. It felt wrong, but it felt right to give her some sense of physical security. As if the devil had possessed me, it brought my hand to her shoulder, again, and landed like a novice pilot on a safe spot. This time, it wasn't a re-direction. This time, it had more grip than the previous 'landing' attempts. This time, like a demon acting innonent, i said,

'this was my first time.'

Yeah you can argue with me. First time what? that i was this obvious and that i wasn't pushed away. To her, maybe it was just to give onlookers an impression of protection. We walked closer to the forbidden zone and mutually thought that Sunset Bistro doesn't attract customers by reenacting a horror movie scene. We turned around with our postures maintained. It lasted so much longer albeit it was still VERY SHORT LITERALLY. (around 10-15 secs) But it came with a special prize. For a moment i thought a ghost touched on the open side of my shoulder. Logic catched up to me in split seconds. It wasn't a ghost. It was Siren's hand.

It felt like an angel had possessed me now, replacing the devil. I felt like i grew two imaginary wings. I defined euphoria. That lasted 4-5 seconds.

We stumbled across this human obstacle who was in our way and had to let go of each other. (although we could just move a slightly longer way without letting go) I no longer define euphoria. Nevertheless the essence of the angel stayed in me, regenerating me with non-existant spark of hope with the memories of what happened. But that was, truthfully, a first time, of a positive(?) reaction, as for me.

tbc..
******
We shared a plate of seafood platter. Non-alcoholic pina colada and cranberry juice. Favourite celebrities and movies. She narrated her favourite movie to me. Starred Leslie Cheung. She said maybe she was too young and gullible during the time she watched the show, she was extremely impressed by the show that she remembered it till today. It goes.'

LeslieC and somegirl work together as operatic singers. they have mutual feelings for each other. However, somegirl was forcefully married to somerichass. Somegirl still loved LC, raising the jealousy of somerichass. This caused somerichass to mistreat somegirl so badly she faked her insanity. She lost her job while LC continued his career.

A fire broke out and the theatre was razed in portions. LC was thought to be caught in the fire and was assumed dead. Little did the public know that he survived, but with a face so mutilated he wouldn't dared to present his physical appearance. He still dwells secret somewhere in theatre. Yea very much like Phantom of the Opera, chinese style.

Somegirl thought LC was dead. Somerichass ditched her and she became somewhat a wandering beggar. Insane.

Theatre was refurnished and new talents are sought out. There's one who was a standout amongst other newer singers. Standouttalent covered LC's songs but he was nowhere as good as LC. Every time there was a performance, and there would be this mysterious voice coming from nowhere to teach standouttalent something useful while handling the song or to calm him down when he felt pressured. It's obvious that it was LC who was responsible for the unexpected aids.

One day standouttalent had to do this song of LC where there's a part he could never master. Somehow somegirl was around to witness the performance. When standouttalent reached his failed part, LC somehow sang his parts for him to perfection. The audience gave a standing ovation, not knowing the truth. Somegirl was the only person who recognized the voice and found out about him.

and i dont remember the ending. Crap. Anyhow she told me that she slightly altered the version to gain my attention. I guess i pass as a listener huh? Oh and she never told me the title of the movie too. Or that i dont remember it happening.

We talked, talked and there was this fiasco of an Caucasian with the bartender. His pronounciation sucks, he was mouthing profanities and reasons but the only words i heard clearly was 'fucking' and 'gimme my beer' while the rest, i couldnt comprehend. That ruined our talking atmosphere. Fearing that a bar fight might occur, we left the place.

'i always feel like i talked so much more than you. Is that okay that i talk so much?'
'HUH? i felt we both covered 50-50. But you know what? Talking to you needs warming up. I usually start conversation and you will reply at minimum. Then when i hit the right thing you will transform into a chatterbox.'
'really? i still felt i talked more. haha.'

It was heartwarming to hear. From that, i deduced that she was comfortable talking to me, or at least. I thought of her previous silences and couldn't help feeling that i had achieved something. Siren opening up.

'you are the first guy whom i got so close to in such a short peroid of time. In like.. two months.'

Ha. We didnt even meet much during January. She delayed the meeting time so much longer. I wonder what would happen if she didnt delay, and why she delayed. But i guess i should keep those questions to myself. Nevertheless i was absolutely glad to hear that from her. Now i felt like a second angel possessed me. I have two pairs of wings now. It got me to the right mood to dance to sunshines and rainbows at night.

'ha? really? How long did you take to be close to a previous person?'
'four months, at least, as i can remember. I don't know if i came back here and became more friendly or what. Or maybe i myself become more friendly. haha.'

Again, I thought to myself about her ignorance or one-word-replies to me during featherfragments 1-8, contradicting to what she said about herself just now. Looking from another perspective, it was an effective catalyst to happiness because it reminded me of how good was i in conversing with her. In the process i let my guard down and let one of the seven sins, pride, to take over me. With great confidence and no solid truths to support what i said, this came out.

'Maybe we see things from the same perspective. No doubt we have different interests, but i felt we have the same approach when we encounter something. Our thoughts are built on the same basis, its just that our distinct environment that makes us look different.

I wondered if what i said did justice because she wasn't spontaneous in replying. Wasn't looking at me either. Digesting what i said i guess. I didnt bother and moved on to a next question. It felt too good when you have two angels in you, celebrating an unexplainable joy as if both of them were carrying you around the world to explore its wonders.

tbc..
*******
The next question was,

'do you think i'm matured enough?'

People who knew me well already added a 'for you' behind the question. If i didn't mention the word 'enough' in that question, it wouldn't be any clue that i was asking if i was matured enough for her.

'yeah. in fact i think you are more matured than me. you have your way of seeing things. i'm still nonchalant about certain things although i knew of its importance. Plus, you are working already.'
'you cant really label a person matured just because he/she's working. I'm not so sure about my maturity yet frankly.'

Well, i was pretty sure her reply to my question soothed me. I wonder if i believed her just because it was something i wanted to hear. If it was, at least i wasn't lying to myself like i always do, she did.

'Do tell me, how is it like to work? I know there are differences between working and studying. But i've only experience one. Is adapting hard?'
'I didn't quite like it. Nor hate it. Most of my friends are (some were now) still studying and somehow part of me refusing to accept that i'm working. I have to admit i'm not so diligent at work, yet, or never yet, because of that i-dont-wanna-grow-up-mentality. Nevertheless i believe i will change for the better as in to take up more responsiblities in life. Now i no longer take pocket money from my parents. Moreover i return them a small sum of cash on a monthly basis. I knew they dont really need it but they just wanted to see how filial i am to them.'

I hoped that impressed her. All in a sudden both of us were serious and talking about life matters. Then we laugh at each other's lame jokes which i don't think would be funny to other listeners. I saw another slight advancement when she asked.

'What kind of girls would you go for?'

No laughter. No signs of trying to hold a laughter. Not like the gossip-happy-fairy-face she gave me a week ago. (ff14)

'matured and independent ones. with a personality. Not the spoilt princess kind.'
'i think i can be independent. I think i gave you the impression that i'm the pampered kind because i'm here with my family which treats me good. But if you were to put me in a situation where i have to fight for everything by myself, i feel that i'm capable of handling it.'

Out of nowhere i sensed the presence of a heavenly being. He was cheerful, but i saw through his eyes that he was lonely. In hopes to end his misery, he approached with an offer of companionship and promised the more the merrier. The original two imaginary angels in me were so charmed that they accepted without questions. Three pairs of wings. Who needs jet engines to fly.

Why did she say that after i told her of my preference of girls? I'll pay you $50 if you can convince me with some eligible reason that she was just being random. For her certainty assurance, i varied the questions about her declaration about herself and she answered with ease and confidence. The three pair of wings were getting more synchronized.

It was a few minutes after midnight. One of us came out with an seemingly awful idea that both of us agreed on which was to go for ice cream. Angelic whispers told me we weren't going for ice cream for the ice cream. Normal people shun ice cream at times like these, and BaskinRobins and HaagenDaaz are smart enough not to waste resources by extending their business hours to accomodate crazy cou/people like us. So where could we go? 12++ was too late for a geek to juice out ideal date venues.

Enlightenment was upon me as i came up with the idea of visiting her home studio. My angels had persuaded her spiritually to think that was a good idea. But first, Siren had to call her sister (who was then alone in the house) to ask permission or inform her sister about Siren bringing a pervert into their house. Surprisingly, angels work through phones too. Permission granted.

Yes, i was very sure it was only me, that i heard this sirenly acappella of three that was breathtakingly fabulous. The three angels had such good chemistry, it took them only a short while to sync with each other to carry out such a perfection. Ironically it's sad, sometimes to think of it, or more optimistically to suspect, that i was the only one who could truly embrace this virtual ear candy.

tbc
*****
The chorus rang loud and proud. Just when i thought it couldn't be any better, a fourth voice resonated with the original three. It began faintly, and the closer i was to her house the clearer the sound became. As i allowed myself into her living room, it was apparent where the mezzo vocal was sourced from. Another angel was resting on a lineup of roses placed in the living room. A selfish angel though, she sucked all the life from all the roses and rendered herself more lively. Well, it metaphorically meant that all the roses received during Valentine's were trophied there even though they were withered and black (it was one week aft valentines). As arrogant as a peacock, the selfish angel came into me without second thought as if i had already offered myself to be possessed. The three angels welcomed her in open arms and together, they continued the song so delightfully that happy-mood-Christmas songs are no match to it in terms of happiness.

'they were all given by my sister's fiance.'
'nobody give you mieh?'

Rhetorical question. Purposed to remind her of my intentions although i knew she didn't have amnesia. My expressions were too cheeky to let her down with that question though. Siren continued to open the studio door and answered,

'aiyo. somebody here gave me and dont remember mieh?'

I heard the 'here'. (im not sure about the word 'here', but she did say something that obviously hinted that it was me) But there might be the possiblity of someone else who gave her roses too. Maybe i wanted to know. Or maybe i just wanted to hear her say it.

'whooo?'
'youuu la. chis.'

I sniggered to myself as if i was spastic. The bridge of the imaginary song started. The moment was beyond heaven-like when i saw that she wasnt annoyed by these stupid questions and had almost the same expressions as me.

She readied the room and went to her kitchen to prepare honey. I wandered around that soundproof room checking on her families' possesions. After serving the drinks she chose a teresateng song and sang it repetitively for around half an hour. During intervals when there were no vocals she would ask me regarding her singing or how was the song. Just when i thought she wasn't satisfied asking the same kind of questions, this came,

'do you think i am fat?'

Examining the mirror, she tried to look the least fat she could by standing as straight as possible. She would look better if she were slightly slimmer although i'm already satisfied with her current (then) body size. Honest. So i answered her from the bottom of my heart.

'just nice.'(gang gang hao la)
'hmmp. you're only saying things i want to hear.'

My problem was that i took her words for granted. I never knew she was glad to hear that. You'll see later. Nevertheless, the fact that she asked me such a question, mysteriously, satisfies me. Yes, that is another one of my problems.

Then she forced me to sing something. I thought it was impossible to find a song that i learnt before, in her playlist of songs. Thank angels i was wrong. The first and last rap she would hear me do - zhi zhan zhi shang. For vengeance, i asked the same question she asked me after i performed.

'you have your own style. you have more clarity than the original one.'

F.I.R saved my life again. I spotted woyaofei and womendeai on the same disc and dueted those songs with her. Optimisically, I hoped she enjoyed it back then because it aint fair; i got to listen to her while she had to listen to me. I didn't realise guilunmei was in womendeai's MV. Failed pervert. One of my angels withered away and dissipated without my knowledge.

I went to the washroom and then she suggested we watched DVD instead. Secret. Well, secret featuring guilunmei. I pretended to compare her with the actress just so i could look at her more and she would smile when i did that. She wanted to show me this duel of the pianists and the fact that i didnt know piano secretly took away another of my angels. She said that was the best scene of the movie and felt like switching to another movie when it was over.

'Am i fat? What say you?'

Hm. Not a totally positive response from the previous reaction. Plus, i'm a little bit of boschbell too. I was slightly agitated by the same question and said something that killed another angel.

'hana hana fat la fat la.'

She looked into the mirror again. Silence. Somehow you're just telling me things i wanted to hear was nicer to hear. Silence wasn't golden.

There was a single seat sofa only in the room. She gave me the option to treat her nicely and sacrifice myself or vice versa. So i had to sit on the floor. She pitied me and went upstairs to fetch her (or not hers) bolster for me for comfort. Rejuvenation. One of the fallen angels was resurrected. I know i'm horny.

I know i'm hornier because i was leaning on the sofa that she was sitting on. Well, not really sitting on, more like lazing on. Her legs and head were positioned on the sides rather than the usual ergonormical position. No skin contact. But hair contact. I didnt really recall what which highschoolmusical she was showing, i just knew that she didn't know how to turn off the dual dubbed mode of the show and we had to listen to two languages spoken overlapping each other at the same time.

Mysteriously she tilted her head further away from me. Hair contact no more. My heart sank six feet underground and one of the angels was about to leave me again. For the few seconds i thought the angel was no more, she repositioned her head back to range of hair contact, although it wasnt as close. I savoured. I imagined my arms wrapped around her. My left waist pained all the while because the posture of leaning was too one-sided. Nevertheless the ecstatic sensation compensated for the tiny sacrifice. My angels were certified perverts.

Seeking for more leads, i jerked my head to her line of sight. My heart raced like a deer being pursued by a lion on steriods. Then i saw. That her eyelids are struggling to keep her eyes open. And it opened mine as if the lion drove its claw into my neck, incapacitating me. I wasn't sure if it was a dream or i was dead, because i saw a white blinding flash for a few miliseconds, and then four disciplinary devils materialised, cornering me in four angles. They outnumbered the remaining two angels, and each of the devils stared at me, stern and cold.

They recited an incantation. They were comprehensible and logic, but all jumbled up in random order. It caused the angels to shiver in fear.

She's sleepy. If i were to hug her i feel like i'm taking advantage of her. We were only had a few dates. Maybe if we had more dates i would've hugged her. Or maybe she would look me in the eye when i look at her when we were so close, and being lost in each other for awhile, then i would do that. Or maybe she would ditch her chair and come accompany me on the ground, then i would do that. Or maybe i could do that anyway with all the circumstances that happened. Just that i chickened out.

I came back to my senses. Looked at the time. 230++ am. We hung out for almost twelve hours. It was no wonder she was fatigued. So I suggested that she get some sleep. I wondered if the angels and devils exist. But I knew i chickened out. I wonder if it was the right thing to do. To not do. However, the sad ironic thing is that, i remembered going home, happy. As in really, really, happy.

(This part is so hard to write looking at the irony of the situation now wtf)

tbc..

p.s. : ff17 ends here.

feather fragments # 16: typical rarity

It was the day she was supposed to leave to Australia. It was the very same day that we dated, a contributing factor to the happiest period of my life. Yet. It beats the last days of exams or the first week of a long holiday. Or the days i get to finish a tub of nata de coco in one shot. Or the day i've discovered the song 'Angel' by WT. It was nothing spectacular. It was just a day i never got to live through again.

(boring entry ahead)

Asked Siren to watch a horror movie. She was fine with that. Dinner inclusive. Hurray for the improvement from sorry-i-dont-remember. Had to pick up my car so was slightly late but i gave her the warning. I wondered if her 'take your time' was literal or just a formality.

Played highest hopes during the ride. Black one piece dress. Make up. She heard walking in the air (one of the songs from highest hopes) before from some HongKong children choir that she couldn't really remember the name. We talked about music again, which was very surprising for a tone deaf person like me. Well, all i needed to do is, was, to listen and ask questions that she felt comfortable answering. Ironically, she stereotyped mainland chineses' materialism. The girls only, right?

Then we moved on to mainstream music industry. Now i was the storyteller but most of what i said were supported with my own viewpoints. Reached Isarabi. Parked and walked and molested her shoulder for awhile again. Hehe.

Siren hates black seeds on pizzas. She called it olive. And that only. I wonder what that is. Then i offered her some salmon and she didn't want it. Made me think that there would be more food that she disliked, that she wouldnt tell me. She didnt finish her japanese pancake pizza but she could finish the beef which had a larger portion on Valentines'. The reason is that she eats what she likes more, she stated.

I liked the fact that we talked till we were too late for the movie. Yes, my intention was to talk to her more than watching the movie. Watching a movie was just an excuse. I hoped she felt the same because i sensed that she did, but i could be mistaken. However luckily, the flow of the our conversation kept going. Anyhow, i suggested a change of destination to Queensbay but we couldn't make it in time for the one airing in Gurney. Neither of us seemed disappointed though to travel somewhere further or maybe i was bad at reading minds.

We arrived at Queensbay to the same result. As a last resort, I tried my luck on prangin. She agreed.

On the way there, we told each other of our characteristics. She told me she could actually do better than what she did now(then) in terms of singing but she was always too lazy to fully maximize her potential, as said by her music teachers. Meanwhile, i told her about my ability to apply relatively a lot of knowledge in a short time but my inability to be moderately accurate or precise, as proven by the way i handle school work or play games. We then spoke of our circle of friends that we did not mutually know. Siren complimented herself for being a patient listener to this ex-roommate of her, V, who was this very antisocial girl and bitches nonstop about her relationship problems with someone V was not meant to be with. Sigh, so similar to me.

Next we traded silly pasts about ourselves when we were young. I revealed to her that i used to have this snap of synapse and thought the dustbin was the a toilet bowl and almost peed into it. And that the first time i ate an egg tart i devoured it along with paper because my stupidity never considered it inedible. In exchange, she told me that she used to have this performance that her whole group had made little efforts on rehearsing. Subsequently it was a disaster; all of the movements were out of sync and the bass singer went out of key so badly she couldn't tolerate it that she laughed on the mic while singing her part and the crowd could hear that. Strangely the crowd unanimously cheered at them and that act embarassed her further.

Arrived at prangin at around 1030. Movie was as late as 1130. I had to wake up early to work tomorrow but i was irrational enough to think watching it was a good idea. Well, it IS still a good idea, looking back from now. However, prangin at that time was so deserted it was kind of scary to bring a girl around in there. People were very scarce and most of them looked like punkish youngsters. Nevertheless it didnt stopped us from continue talking. Somehow she told me something really private. (i skipped some topics we talked about to not give out clues about it) Or it was only i who thought so.

***censored***

I sensed her change in tone. Slightly emotional. My heart was cursing myself for bringing her into such a state but my mind turned so irrational that i convinced myself to feel honoured about her confiding in me. It that werent enough, these thoughts turned into spoken words.

'you know, i dont really know why am i telling you this, but you are the first person to hear that from me. ** **** * **** ****'
'hmm i dont really know how to comment about it. but thanks for telling me. i actually feel honoured.'

If liking Siren was a disease that starts from the heart, it had already spreaded to my brain and conditioned it fatal. My judgment and considerations had being clouded by happy poison and i am addicted to it. It was only a first puff, but it was enough to corrupt my weak mind to submit myself vulnerably to her. The rope to climb to the top was getting a bit more visible and my senses claimed that it was more genuine than it was a few days ago.

Oh and how could i not forget popcorns. To reassure my opinion on her insatiable hunger towards popcorns, i brought some again and my hypothesis was proven correct. Maybe she wasn't full from not finishing the japanese pizza just now, but seeing her consuming the nutrionless tidbits relentlessly further drugged me.

Thanks to the director the movie sucked it felt so long that i could slowly embrace the moment with her. I actually laughed at most of the supposingly 'scary' parts. She seemed to concentrate on the show, commenting and exclaiming from the happenings and drama of the show. One drawback is that she asked a number of questions and liked to deduce things that was going to happen during the show.

Movie ended and it was almost two. I dropped her home and tried to influence her with some of the music i listen to by giving her a pendrive with songs that i thought she might like (dont worry i didnt put any scream-rap-hardcore crap in it), Nightwish's Highest Hope and Dark Passion Play. In doing so, She responded,

'jiang hao mieh? bu yong la. ni mai zhen pan de ni hao hao zhi ji ting la' (so good mieh? no need la. listen to it urself la since u bought original.)
'mei you hao ar. hiao ju you. (not good. just horny.- some language wordplay involved so i didnt translate it, and i'm going to translate from now onwards.) all the songs i've actually downloaded for these two albums.'
'you spent money buying these. better you keep it.'
'i spent money just to help to the record sales of the band. Moreover i wanted to give you something so that you can remember me.'

She looked at me. Stared. Without blinking. Or it was dark and i was tired so i didnt notice properly. But i interpreted it as an incoming feeling of euphoria.

'then i really take d ha? no regrets?'
'i would regret if you didn't take.'
'heh. thanks. good night and sweet dreams.' (ok i dont remember this line, i made it up)

(Long wave goodbyes.)

I drove home singing songs of joy to myself horribly but i didnt care because everything seemed like a good idea back then. If there were ghosts haunting my car, they would hoped that they lost their ability to hear when they were alive.

tbc..

feather fragments # 15: tenth star

(14th february 2009)

'let's hear you rap something.'

I was thinking of the pre-chorus at that moment. We were in my kelisa. But there was no background music and rapping over silence equals babbling. Moreover, i was greedy, i wanted her to react to it. By complementing the pre-chorus with the supposed chorus. She might not know what the hell i was babbling. She might not know the lyrics to the chorus. Idea scrapped.

'ha. very weird la like that.'
'why weird?'
'your musical background is classical. very ban men nong fu if u were to ask me.'

No doubt, it's like showing off how well you can play NeedForSpeed in front of Micheal Schumacher. Although i wanted to impress her with how i beat the last stage in NeedForSpeed, the timing was not right.

*******
(15th February 2009)

I brought Siren into Red. Toby and Fung were enjoying some booze and playing some card game. Siren headed to the restroom before taking a seat. During her absence, Toby asked me how did i fare with her. I frowned and shook my head. He seemed to understand, and made no further inquiries regarding that matter.

Red is like a public karaoke lounge. All of the customers can hear the singers, and it's gonna go bankrupt if the most of the customers are people like me. Anyhow each tables can only submit two songs at one time. It didnt feel right to pick that song yet.

While waiting for our turn, we played more socializing-type games. One of them is something like chain rhyming phrases and players have to memorize every word each player had rhymed. Among the group, usually me and Siren were the last ones standing. From this, i deduced that she could remember things well provided she has interest. So, from oh sorry i dont remember, my rejection is natural. i think.

It took two hours before the mic reached our table. It was late and we were very dissatisfied. Fung recalled us of the karaoke session on Sunday and asked for our attendance. We agreed.

Alone with her for a short moment again. My brains weren't functioning properly from the slight fatigue. I knew this for a fact because i asked her if she would remember me as someone who pursued her before. It was awkward. She said she didnt know how to answer me*. When she left my car and walked into her house, she just walked into her house without waving-until-i-left like she did before during oh sorry i dont remember. At least she didnt threw away the flowers in front of me.

*Anyhow, from what is going on now, she answers me already, i wont remember.

*****
I saw her again. That blue blouse. Fung was fetching us and we were late because they went to have lunch. Siren thought we would be eating together so she didnt take her lunch and waited. So i get to accompany her to buy food, alone. Err. Hurray? Anyway, we chatted like nothing happened yesterday. Well, nothing happened anyway.

Then we headed back to RedBox. Fung informed us that he had another group of friends who can sing well too and there will be an unofficial 'PK'. In order words, a singing duel. (wtf haha)

*******
'Ehhhh.. who pick my song?'
'Huh? What song?'

I feigned innonence but i knew my smile would give me away no matter how hard i try to hold it. I was the only one responding to her so naturally she looked at me, with her finger pointing on the upcoming songs list.

'di shi hang xing. who knows i like that song?'
'i picked the song. it's actually called di shi xing xing. you sang it the last time.'
'you know the song mieh?' (as in how to sing it, i think)

And now she became the one who was wanting to smile but trying to hold it. I was as excited as a dog seeing his master. So excited to the extend i had to lie to myself that i sensed, or assumed her happiness from that little reaction she gave me.

'you help me sing some parts lo.'

I smirked. And looked away, trying to be the coolest person on earth. Of course, i failed miserably. Finally, the moment that i had been waiting for. A duet with Siren. What's more is that i can do it properly without shame. I'm no singer. Kudos to myself.

The song consists of more female vocal part and only a small period of rap, during the pre-chorus. However, the latter was performed in a rapid pace such that following the beat smoothly without running out of breath requires practice. I had heard the song quite a number of times to know when the male backup vocal comes in and imitated it the best i could. Because usual listeners wouldn't bother to listen to the backup vocal part, i got it correct so many times it surprised Siren and she broke into a wild laughter during the second chorus. It felt like i just confessed to her again because the way she laughed after i confessed was similar to how she did it now. She even laid to the side as if she was bowing down towards me. Somehow the feeling of triumph unexplainably surged into me.

Nevertheless, i kept my cool and sang her parts on the times when her laughter prevented her singing. The bridge of DiShiXingXing is composed to have two voices singing the same lyrics but the backup vocals overlap from the first word of the line after the main vocals are sung halfway during a line. After seeing that see positioned her mic back to her mouth, i reverted back to covering the back up part. She sang somewhat forcefully though, trying to finish the song without laughing again.

After some time, when neither of us are on the mic, she nudged me.

'ehh.. you download the song to listen ar?'
'yeah'
'no wonder it sounded a bit like the original song. you can do all the parts ah xin did.' (i dont think he did that part though, his vocals in another song that he sang alone didnt sound alike)
'haha no. i wished i knew guitar.'

Yay. She complimented me. I think. It ain't fair, though. What i did flattered her.

***********

Now about the duel. I fainted. Hence i was labelled emo by my so-called opponent. He then trashed me badly with some song by GaryChao. Siren was having a mild sorethroat but her reputation doesnt allow her to bail out like that. She did a JoeyYung song and maiden listeners were utterly captivated by her singing. Her so-called opponent was good too but what she sung didnt register in my memory.

OngBak2 is a horrible movie. Dont watch it at all cost.

Siren was locked outside her house without her key in. Fung had to turn back and drop her at Gurney where her friends are at.

At night, she called me a number of times but i wasnt around my phone to answer. So i decided to feel happy about it and called her back only to find out that she was just calling to ask for directions to go to Gardens and she reached already when i called her kthxbye T_T.

tbc..

p.s: which ringtone nicer?

it is destined

if everything proceeded as i desired.
then i would be...
quarantined
or maybe i won't but i will still think of it that way

today WAS the date i decidED to fly.