woang

do you ever hear?
i'll be glad even if its not more than three times.
i wonder if you remember it was from me.
maybe u just used it as its primary function and if that's the case i'll get a bit of sense of achievement.

ha.
u listened albeit the disagreement reply.
maybe its totally nothing but that's another sense of achievement for me to feel for myself. a very minor one though.

there's always a shadow
now that there's no more source
it'll go away someday..
someday
so ironic that part of me is still holding on to it
maybe its just better than emptiness
although its relatively close to it.

that time will come

i'll be darn happy if i couldnt wake up in time for work.

because that'll mean i forgot to set my alarm.
till then..

epilogue #2 (flower # 13)

i guess that's it.
i'm so lost and i dont know what i want in life anymore
think i have to not take everything literally
it doesnt work that way
excuses are just excuses with no valid reason
you can call them a hypocrite but it doesnt matter at all and nobody cares.

am i putting up a facade to the world now?
or am i handling it better than last time?
i dont know
its all so familiar.
i dont know why im so slow at believing the obvious
maybe its just because its something i strongly not wanted
maybe its just because of the overly optimistic me telling me the slightest and rarest reasons to not believe so
this is not madagascar and he's not motototo and im not melman

how long will i live like this?
ur experienced
very the hell experienced that i can't stop thinking if there's something wrong with me.
time will heal
yea its gonna heal. someday. somehow. it will.

what if it is the very slight 0.05% that i wanted?
would i still bring myself to accept the minor-est chance of possibility?
i dont know. because all the pointers doesnt say so. its like winning a game out of sheer luck. i wont feel proud. yet there's a small part of me being greedy.

again, as i've mentioned in the previous post, epic fails. i know im not very rational now because i've actually thought of epic-REINCARNATION - a mellowed version of epic. oh well. its up to how i feel at close future to determine if im doing it or not.

i'm 22-3. not too long not too short. the short period of the start of the year was the happiest moments of my life. yet. its your problem if u dont believe me.
i'll forever appreciate that little moment. even if by now you have already totally forgotten about it. even if i no longer carry the same feeling i carry now.

as far as i know. i like you. really. but i guess it has to be 'i liked you'. now. little by little. day by day. until i dont remember to even mention it.

when a mirage turns reality

i no longer have the ability to lick my wounds
glass half full or empty is almost totally empty.
i dont get why being pessimistic is wrong.

........

epic fails.
well, it almost didnt start.

oh well. oh well. oh well.
red sign. again.

one last thing to settle..

dawnwish

when i see from far
its like a glass half empty
but when i reach up close and drank from the glass
it feels like its more than full.

should i live in this delusional optismism (?)
or should i be this paranoia freak?

sometimes, in fact, everytime it's best to be practical than wonder this and that and it all ends up to nothing.

anyway.. wish i could see ur blurry-just-woke-up face n tell u good morning.

flower # 5

so i just bought some materials.

wonder how to do the branch.

so what's in it?

red (flower):
memories within temptation
nightwish over the hills and far away?
epica sancta terra

green (leaves):
leaves' eye elegy
the truth beneath the rose/mother earth within temptation?
flyleaf all around me
nightwish amaranth

(some of them not included in this flower might be filler greens for other leaves)

shape? no idea yet. thinking of.. carnation. wtf lol.

void

would we run out of things to say once we did not talk for very long?
things that happen in life- that i might tell u if u were here or if u had paid more attention-are getting more and more stale to be told.
are u even interested to know?
maybe u r, just that there are more important things to be done.

oh well. i wanna tell u good night n sweet dreams n miss you again. do u wanna hear?

i'll delude myself that u do. you'll say so if i ask. you said so.
i dont quite want to take things for granted but i'll take that to keep me going.

thinkthinkthink

perspective 1:
is it just an art of denial?
is it the same old postpone-deny trick?
might be im a paranoid.
but i got those, all the time.
explains why i really appreciate that minor consistency of attendance

perspective 2:
respecting me for the effort i guess.
understands my intention and afriad might not be able to live up to it.
hence the delay?
nope im not taking things for granted. reminded by self and people around me.

perspective 3:
patience and commitment test?
ok that's totally from me.
and i shall keep that to myself
although i always wanted to ask
but i felt that the answer will be better told by time.
and this is how i lick my wounds
regardless of the negative opinion against young(er)sters
i always felt that im young enough to waste that time to see the worthiness.

submerge

the lack of response. the ignorance. the lack of initiative.
all that means something right?
or maybe i'm convinced to believe so.
i've already seen it since awhile.
but my digestion system is a tad bit too slow.

all my hope is almost gone.
the only thing that kept me going is me licking my wound
i dont wanna bark loud and do nothing anymore
just to prove to myself im not the useless kind of people who knows nothing but playing computer games
my plans will not falter, regardless of the hopelessness of the situation.