keep out. it's boring.

Monday, March 30, 2009

flower # 7

she, an operatic singer actually questioned, gave opinion, laughed at me on how/why did i growl/sing EVEN THOUGH I AM TALENTLESS AND ANSWERING WITH TOTAL CRAP AND NONSENSE REASONS.i kinda like that tho regardless of person asking me. even if u ask me ill b happy 2 answer u but almost nobody would do that.

she would actually tell me totally personal stuff (not supposed 2 tell u though u might already know) and not realised that she told me. i find that cute sometimes. but i wonder if im supposed to be told. she thinks im direct n honest. i felt the same for her. but anyhow i didnt ask that much of super personal stuff tho.

she felt that when we dated she actually talked more than me. i felt both of our participation in the conversation is 50 50 but i liked the fact she felt that she can talk comfortably.

she's kinda mistake prone she dont really mind me being mistake prone too. or at least that's what i thought. yes, im being optimistic and delusion.

she can go singing in the car like for almost an hour. and she asked me to sing my own set of songs too but i felt too inferior i dont dare to voice up. maybe she's just resting. or whatever. cani like that too? that being she asking me to sing/rap.

she frequently (face to face time only though) tells me im good looking. (ok thats kinda lame but its nice 2 be complimented, right?)

she almost never take any initiative to talk to me through non-face-to-face-means eg phone sms online. ok that kinda suck for me.

but i remembered once i asked her out she said she cant cos her family has dinner but called me right after dinner to tell me that she's free. just once, tho. yes im such a loser.

i always feel like talking to you without bothering you. but i feel im bothering you now. and the people around me i've confided in... sorry..

she said she prefered older people for the security he can give in a relationship. what if i can show u that i can offer the same security?

i started wow (some addictive mmorpg) to stop think about her so much.

i replace my hp wallpaper with her picture i took of her before her departure. she knows.

i manually set my alarm everyday. i'm confident i wont miss out one day of not waking up early to work.

oh and she said, things can just be said and actions can be totally something else. that made me so reluctant to say that i am sure. i guess i dont need to tell you. time passes and actions will be done. and when that happens, i dont even need to say, you will be sure.

Friday, March 27, 2009

at my standards

are you busy?
you probably are.
add oil + good luck + gambateh + whatever-crappy-useless-motivational-and-super-common-phrases.
please dont say 'don't need to worry about me'
i'm happily worrying about you.

and im being optimistic.
very optimistic at my standards.

gah my fault for expecting this, this, this and that.
it's so contradicting and confusing
bad signs are 'neutralized' with good signs, vice versa, and the cycle continues.
yes, same old me thinking too much too much

and im being thoughtful.
but very thoughtful at my standards.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009


i was pessimistic
my dad shares the same pessimism as me.
i have to convince him with my optimisim.
how ironic.

i've told a few people about epic.
i've decided to be crazy.
if i dont do it i'll not be raggy
why the name epic? failing is an epic fail.

oh and since you probably wouldnt bother to reply
i'll just wish you here, good night sweet dreams

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


just in case
u werent there to see
or it didnt go thru
or u were too busy
or that i forgot which is almost never likely

good night n sweet dreams.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009


i'm doing this for the sake of building up my confidence.
it shall be an innovative effort. avant-garde. but made by someone with bad technical skills.
it shall be a recollection of knowledge, interest and memories. that i know. that you know. that i want. that you want. or at least, that i assume you want.
with a combination of bad art and nerd rage, i hereby present to myself, project: epic

13 origami flowers. white papers. red ink or color pencil. flower shape unknown YET. (will be updated).
flower1- bir kadin cizeceksin
flower2- ditto i guess
flower3- ditto, my hp
flower4- lyrics of the songs u like. (wtf lol)
flower5- lyrics of the songs i like n would like u 2 like. (wtf wtf wtf no lol)
flower6- ditto of tenth star
flower7- things i want to tell u
flower8- rm10
flower9- primary school punishment in chinese
flower10- link to this blog?? (most of it will be white, but the posts shall fill the emptiness) (if its ever opened)
flower12- (ok im out of ideas)
flower13- ...
those are just written to clad the white papers with red. some of them do not make sense. some of them will be replaced by a better idea if i managed to brainstorm another one.

12 dead flowers. black, dark purple or brown. different from the former 13 in terms of pattern. they shall face down. they shall be distinct, easy to detach.
flower1-12: random physic equations or, notes. no confirmation about the 'correct'ness. made to be thrown away in front of you. stupid. history-thrash. but unique. and meaningful. to me, at least.

also, portability. big problem. assembling here or there.
wrapper. leaves. branches. side decorations. - unthought yet.

i have 2-3 months for all of this bouquet of misunderstood kaleidoscope. anyhow, everything here is a draft. it's crazy effort, will i be able to carry it?

Sunday, March 15, 2009


am i annoying?
my lousiness in conversations is taking its toll on me.

are things going as expected?
i'll bother u here because i know there are times im not suppose to bother u.
but then again how'd i know?

drafting project epic.
requires: will n determination.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

that fine line

am i suppose to treat u this way?
am i scaring u off or am i lacking in attention?

you never take any initiative though you show enough enthusiasm to talk back, to me.
or that's just the way you are, to everyone
and im being too optimistic.
well this time, i dont feel wrong being optimistic
everyone treats everyone differently.

i dont wanna pester you yet i wanna entertain you.
can someone please tell me how?

Saturday, March 7, 2009


i'm still having my cough but i went redbox anyway!
and i lost my voice almost completely due to forcing myself not to cough when singing.
i'd think of that day a month ago and it kept me going.
although it's kinda imappropriate to compare.
i way out of your league.
in terms of that la. haha.

how's life over there?
ppl start labeling me emo for talking to myself like that.
but its my blog, i say whatever i want here right?
and its more of a private one. the only ppl who know are ppl who are close to me. (haha ironic huh im writting abt u n u dont even know. yet. )

good night. sweet dreams. hope ur silently wishing me that.

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

7 days

its been one week already
can you remember what i've remembered?
call me optimistic, or call me delusional
but im savouring every moment about that day even if i merely reminiscence it.

so its been one week already
i asked before and i'll ask again (even though to myself because you can't answer me yet) whether you found a place to stay already?
if you have not, how's the feeling of going to university from a hotel and returning to it and doing your assignments there? are there even any assignments yet?
if you did, how's the place? far from university? getting along with your house/roommates? expensive or not?
argh. i just vowed not to talk to myself and i did. every time i ask a question here i'll hallucinate you giving me a reply. rather, its actually me giving myself the reply out of nowhere or from my creative/wild imagination. ugh. sadly i wont stop here yet. let me tell u a bit abt myself! i dont care if i'm hated by everyone. hmp.

well its been one week already.
and i'm still sick. omg. yes you can ask me to rest well and drink more water and then scold me for not resting thaaaat well for going clubbing saturday night. yes. guai guai me going clubbing. with colleagues. kinda dragged there though. BUT I DIDNT DRINK OK! errrr not really a few frends asked me to taste their wine/vodka n i took a few sips. and the vodka is cold!!! (i'm coughing) i finished it nevertheless fearing i would spread my disease to her. (if u must know she's zjing)
then hor, i still dont get anything to do at work. yet. its being ONE AND A HALF MONTHS already! hurray for getting money from being useless.
erm... and i made new specs. thick frame wan. haha. wan see wan see?
AND IM STILL SICK. (colleagues got a redbox outing on friday and i CANT SING!) (oh well i cant sing anyway.) *shy*

anyway i think i'm boring the imaginary you so i'll sign off now and bore you some other time.

Monday, March 2, 2009

i dont get to talk to you

where are you?
how are you doing?
how is first day of school?
can i tell u about myself a little?

aww im so talking to myself.
oh well thats what i usually do
live with it

and i will be running out of things to say to myself because i'm realising i dont make sense in any of these. so please be ok, ok? i'll be ok.