keep out. it's boring.

Monday, August 31, 2009

feather fragments # 25: epic fail

the absence is taking its toll on me. if i don't do anything the burning material would run out and there wouldn't be any fire anymore. perhaps it had already died out. i yearned for it and i knew i had to do something about it. hence, epic was drafted out. I don't know how i got the idea, I knew i had nothing to do when i was working at that moment so i was randomly reading wikipedia articles. I don't know which was the one that inspired me, it was either ChungKingExpress or 2046 or something else which i couldn't remember. I watched neither of the shows. It was merely the synopsis responsible for the idea to craft epic.

I wrote a draft of it that only i could understand. I hereby would like to translate it to be comprehensible. And please note that this project had been abandoned. Due to obvious reasons.

i'm doing this for the sake of building up my confidence.
it shall be an innovative effort. avant-garde.
but made by someone with bad technical skills.
it shall be a recollection of knowledge, interest and memories. that i know. that you know. that i want. that you want. or at least, that i assume you want.
with a combination of bad art and nerd rage, i hereby present to myself, project: epic

This is self explanatory. No encoded meanings. It's your problem if you don't understand.

13 origami flowers.

Remember ff#14? No? Nevermind. Her ex, SourceofEpic gave her paper roses. 12 of them. and then Siren accepted the flowers due to its beauty and SourceofEpic interpreted it as she accepted him whereas she didnt officially did. Slowly she relented and started falling in.

I'm aware of the negative flashback and feedback of hers if i happen to do this. I'm also aware that someone normal wouldn't purposely go and mess with her past and what i was going to do was totally contradicting. But it wasn't just like that. It was something more. Something so much more it could be viewed as another entity, depending on whichever perspective she would look at it.

white papers. red ink or color pencil.

Her favourite color is deep red. (referring ff#6). Hence the red. White papers? So i could produce something meaningful on the papers.

flower shape unknown YET. (will be updated).

Thank you Youtube for being a teacher.

Can someone tell me how to go through the step on the 2.30th minute? I couldn't understand that even from the other similar videos. Oh, and i am not very motivated to do it anymore. I'll thank you though, if you ever tried to motivate me.

flower1- bir kadin cizeceksin
flower2- ditto i guess
flower3- ditto, my hp

bir kadın çizeceksin is my one of my favourite songs from the Turkish band maNga. It simply meant you'll draw a woman in turkish. So the first threes flowers will be colored red with two of her portraits and a picture of us that was taken on my handphone.

Pure red and white was a bitch. The cheap color pencils' red wasn't dark enough to contradict with the white as much as the black that usual 2B pencils can produce. My lousiness in differentiating the magnitude of color caused the shadows drawn above her tongue to look like beards. To get a better idea of color contradiction, i transfered her picture to my computer and two-colored it and tried to draw her according to that. Sketched 3 of the same picture and all of them sucked. Her straight teeth on a slanting angle shadowed by her lips was the hardest part to draw.

flower4- lyrics of the songs u like. (wtf lol)

If Siren could perform these songs she would've like them right? No, i never decided on a fixed amount nor the specific songs. The 'nominees' were:

容祖兒 - 獨照 (based on ff#7&15)
Celine Dion - It's all coming back to me (based on ff#7)
梁靜茹-會呼吸的痛 (based on ff#3)
鄧麗君 - 但願人長久 (uncertain, based on ff#17, will be corrected)

Ok this kinda sucked. All of them are pop songs and she majors classical. Out of my league, huh?

flower5- lyrics of the songs i like n would like u 2 like. (wtf wtf wtf no lol)

This is more of a filler. Why would she appreciate songs that i like? Well they are (or were and she deleted it) still in the pendrive i gave her during ff#16.

Within Temptation - Memories (red, on the flower, signifying how much i treasured the memories with her)
Nightwish -Over the Hills and Far Away? (red, on the flower, signifying our distance, but added a question mark behind because the lyrics talked about robbery and prison)
Epica - Sancta Terra (red, on the flower, but seemed more suitable as the ground, since terra means ground/earth)
Leaves' Eye - Elegy (green, on the leaves, due to band name.)
Within Temptation - The Truth Beneath The Rose/ Mother Earth? (green, on the leaves, due to the titles, these two songs were less considered unless the materials on the leaves run out.)
Flyleaf- All Around Me (green, on the leaves, due to band name.)
Nightwish - Amaranth (no reason, the title meant a kind of flower. More of a filler green.)

flower6- ditto of tenth star

Our only proud duet. I would like to laugh at the very little things we have in common. I almost intended to put Phantom of the Opera in it but it totally sounded like a bad idea. If that paper became too empty i might fill it up with Jason Mraz's I'm Yours and Lucky and rename the title of this flower lyrics of the song we mutually like. This was the original intended title, actually.

flower7- things i want to tell u

Click on link. Wrote those after being questioned by Toby regarding her. Thanks for the push. If written, they'll be translated to chinese.

flower8- rm10

Considered making a rose out of pure Malaysian Ten Ringgit notes. Planned to use 3-4 of them and Five Ringgit notes will be used as leaves as for this stem. Meant to boast about my willingness to spend for her.

flower9- primary school punishment in chinese

This was inspired by a long forgotten insignificant of a past of someone else's. Hadn't decide on what to write till the moment that i gave up. The few words that i thought were Siren'sChineseName, I-really-really-miss-you full page in chinese or a diary style of the same but with different "miss magnitudes" until the day i met her. eg,

26th feb. - SCN, thought of me? Think of you all day~
27th feb. - SCN, ok should think of you less before i go crazy. Wont think of you so much ok?
28th feb. - SCN, wei very hard la, please let me think of you!
1th mar. - hmp, dont want to write your name today! but but... SCN, argh.
2nd mar.- SCN. ok today is a boring day. Think of you averagely.
3rd mar. SCN. average is boring too. Think of you more ok?

I would like to clarify, again, that all that's above are just an example. Dont worry, none were actually written.

flower10- link to this blog?? (most of it will be white, but the posts shall fill the emptiness) (if its ever opened)

Pre-the-day-the-picture-was-uploaded i never thought of writing feather fragments at all. If things went as the original plan all the posts will be me talking to myself but as if i'm talking to her. And all the progress reports about epic. She might want to see what was written on the flowers and would be reluctant to unfold the origamis so this might help.


She told me about her dream ambition to become a coloratura soprano. So i planned to copy this to fill up the next piece of paper. Of course, i wouldn't understand the least bit of words from there.

flower12- (ok im out of ideas)

Thought of putting in a table of content and a brief description to every flower like a restaurant menu. The trick of this flower is that all words will positioned to face outwards so anyone can read it.

flower13- ...

This was written after i saw those pictures.

12 dead flowers. black, dark purple or brown. different from the former 13 in terms of pattern. they shall face down. they shall be distinct, easy to detach.
flower1-12: random physic equations or, notes. no confirmation about the 'correct'ness. made to be thrown away in front of you. stupid. history-thrash. but unique. and meaningful. to me, at least.

So all together 25 flowers will be made. These 12 flowers signifies the 12 flowers SourceofEpic gave her. The physics equation on them are some sort of a parody of the way he got to her. They will be written in a dull and darker color. They will be crumpled and made bad quality to look as if they are withering and about to fall off. They shall face down upon completion.

and they will be thrown away. in front of her. one by one.

and i realised i gave my form6 physics textbook to my friend because his sister needed it. So i went through the trouble to get the textbooks from a junior college-mate of mine but never get to put them to evil use.


Friday, August 21, 2009

feather fragments # 24: taint

being contemplating cutting myself. here goes. they aren't in chronological order.


'got miss me ma?'
'got la.'

We both sounded somewhat cheerful. Because i liked her respond. And occasionally she would be the one asking. Little did i know missing someone is a terrible thing. Quoting myself, i should learn to be more greedy; i somehow thought that being missed by her was satisfying enough, but it wasn't enough. In fact it is far from enough, for everyone else normal.

(random different occasion)
'got miss me ma?'
'miss you all lo.'
'huh? you all?'
'my friends and family in penang lo. the gang also lo. keke.'

Upon hearing that i swallowed a gulp. Maybe i should significantly let her know that i was selfishly asking this question for myself but thank god i didn't. She knew i was asking that question for myself right? And that was a deflect. Or maybe she was just telling me what was on her mind and her friends and family are at that moment occupying it. I kept my cool and ignored the crack in the dam.

Anyhow she would swap between those two answers, with the one that i wanted to hear more being the prevalent one. But the fact that she's not replying consistently bothers me. To a minor extend, though, but to that extend it's here in this blog.

Remember the first time i proposed visiting her? It was a good idea. Back then. For both of us. I think. It was gradually becoming a less and less good idea. Day by day. For her. It is a fact.

'so you said your holidays are in june-july-ish. You checked? Let me know ASAP kay, wanna get cheaper flights.'
'woahh. you really gonna come mieh?'

We were on the phone. We couldn't see each other's expressions. Or i couldn't see her expressions and she couldn't be bothered seeing mine. I was confusing myself between thoughts like 'the-would-be-butterfly-effect-of-not-getting-her-number', 'why-was-she-doubting-me-so-much' and 'no, it-indirectly-means-she-doesnt-want-me-to-go.' Of course, she didn't sound like she did during turning point. I strived.

'yes la. you tell me when you are available to let me find la haha.'


(different occasion,phone call made lying on bed)
"so have you found out when would you have time for me?"
"wei you really gonna come mieh?"

It didn't sound convincing enough that she didn't want me to go. Nor promising. Maybe she's busy at that moment, but finding the date out shouldn't be so uneagerly troublesome, right? I paused momentarily to catch my breath, wondering why my simple chinese was so incomprehensible. And no, she never came across the thought that i was wrecking my nerves trying that long distance visit feat. After seconds of recomposing myself, i tried my best to sound sincere so she wouldn't repeat that question.

"but coming here is so expensive."
"it'll be worthwhile."
"but it's really very expensive...'

As for someone like me, i gathered a lot of courage to declare that statement and she just trampled over it within a few seconds. I saw something wrong there, but i, at that moment, still firmly stood by my declaration.

(random ocassion, stuck in traffic)

"you really gonna come ar? i don't really know where to bring you around wor."
"ya laaa. it's okay."

I optimistically thought that, at least she intended to being my tour guide, so to some extend she's okay with me visiting right? Else she wouldn't be inquiring or answering if one of us miss the other of us, right?

"but where are you gonna stay?"

An innocent question that means a lot of things. The scene became something similar to the moment of truth. I didn't try my best to provide an intellectual reply, but nevertheless i made an attempt. A weak one, though.

"your place?"
"my place ar..... kinda small worr."
"oh. er.. meaning?"
"furthermore you're a guy and i'm a girl. Sharing and sleeping in a room. What could people think ar?"
"meaning no?"
"not too decent la. and it's really small. i dont really know where to let you sleep."

Kudos to myself bombarding myself as i'm writing this. An intense surge of guilt of belittling Onion's offer streamed into my consciousness. I used to laugh at his ingeniously perverted plan that he crafted out for me and now it bited back at me. I remembered that she didn't allow me in her room back in mandate. I had to lick my wound by assuming Siren is this conservative girl to go against cohabitiliating. Curiousity alone might prove me wrong so i'm satisfied with not knowing exactly.

This incident itself is a very bad sign. Simple logic deduces the cruelest answers. Yet it wasn't enough to hinder a determined pervert like me. Yet.

(random ocasion, walking around the house)

"so found out when would you be free yet? if not i would force myself there on the 1st of July."

Took me lots of courage, again, to say that. I don't know if i should feel proud or ashamed. Logic told me that she would've eagerly informed me of her specified available date and even accomodated me if she really wanted me to visit her. Neither happened. Perservance told me that i had to fight for my own happiness. I'mma try to make something happen.

"i'm still uncertain if i have enough time for you la. I have holidays on till end of june, then it will be exam period."
"so june's not interfered.."
"you coming just because of me right?"
"if so i'm really scared if you travelled so far and i couldn't allocate time for you. Why not like that, you come at the end of the year, that would be when and after i graduate. I'm pretty sure i will be free then. Then let's go back together?"

That surprised me. Totally. It sounded like a good idea for a few seconds. Then it sounded fishy. Then it became the same old good idea the few seconds ago. Repeat. The inclusion of the word 'together' was so soothing all the negative deductions from her cold reactions towards me were temporarily voided. However, doing so would prolong the next time we meet each other. Things might happen in between. I couldn't stop my paranoia from making up stories like she's-delaying-the-meeting-time-to-grant-more-space-for-her-to-deny-me. Maybe it was just my bad experience. That wasn't negligible.

I was immersed in my chaotic mind for awhile and produced sounds that give people the impression that im retarded if they hear me. Indecisiveness is a sin to impressing girls and i was commiting in broad daylight.

"errrr........ hmmm...... errrrr (after some time) i'll think about it."

I told my parents about visiting her. It was nerve-wrecking. Like you had to show them your report card and you failed all the subjects. Due to the negative signs, my dad was skeptical against the idea and was stating out all the deductions that i've produced long ago. And so, the cynical questions were countered with the most optimistic answers that i usually wouldn't give under normal conditions. I couldn't help feeling ironic and not very myself.

But i've let them knew. For what I've being through, it's very reclutant for me to pull out. Just like that.


No, she didnt reply that facebook reply on the professional refresher. No, she didn't made any effort to call me back there. She did, horridly rarely though, take the iniatitive to message me on MSN. And if she did it could probably be the day where more than a hundred people got struck by lightning in the whole wide world. Or the day she got into a high fever. or after a lengthy phone conversation which i assumed she enjoyed. or the time he went back.


I agreed on the November idea, after much consideration. I don't know if it was only me, but she seemed relieved to hear it. Look at the bright side, more time for epic.


Tuesday, August 18, 2009


have been signing into blogger but not knowing how to write the next feather fragment. i would type out feather fragments # 24:and then stare at the screen blankly for a few minutes and then close the window. is that a good or a bad thing?

my routine life has being pretty boring. i wonder how long i'm gonna last paying tribute to my false goddess. i'm running out of things to say to her. and she's running out of intention to talk to me. and i've being playing a lot of WoW lately. FML.

I guess i wont be writing ff#24 any time around. But one day i will. Because if i stopped like that it wouldn't be fair to Siren. I think.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

feather fragments # 23: the professional refresher

Never before i was so keen on receiving a facebook message. When you press f5 on the facebook page, it would take around 1 to 2 seconds for the whole page go. blank. Then another 3 to 4 seconds for more important commands like 'home', 'profile', 'friends' and 'inbox' to be generated. The next thing after these is the number of unread inbox messages and never before it attributed to me such a high level of suspense. And i would curse silently to myself like an uncivilized auntie whenever i received the plenty secondary school alumni messages for the sole reason they weren't Siren's.

My efforts bore fruit two weeks after the departure. I think i've pressed more f5-s than the number of times my father brushes his teeth. Salvation.

I was doing some boring quest in Ashenvale(some place in some game). This was the first time i was grateful facebook notifies/d me every single activitiy that's happening around your social network. Honestly speaking, i wasnt as eager as if i was expecting it because i've being clicking on notifications telling me that some random friend did some test/quiz/questionaire/comment-on-some-picture/status-update/wtf/wtf/etc. But it was her reply. I remembered i was gaming and forced myself to forget that i was and it was done with little effort. During then, I found myself alt+tabbing between the game and the message to a point i got so anxious in replying her that i closed the game impulsively. I giggled. And smiled. And sniggered. And chuckled. And whatever-verb-that-meant-the-same. Told myself to be sane and stop whatever-verb-that-meant-the-same-ing to myself for no good reason, but failed and resumed WVTMTS-ing.

I'mma glamourise my professionalism in refreshing facebook pages. Remember the date i sent her the message? February 26th. Look at her reply time and mine.

That's why the picture's still there. Sorry.

And she never replied after this. So much for being professional at refreshing.

Monday, August 10, 2009

feather fragments # 22: rend

sent her another message telling her about the dream. still inhibitedly refreshing that page.
this is the life of a man with imaginary friends.

but i shall not falter. not that easy. i needed a plan. i've made plans. if there were still no signs of her, i would give myself datelines to carry them out:

a) Siren told me she was/is still friends with this not so close friend that we mutually know. I almost lost contact of this particular friend (jiaying) so i had to somehow get her contact from another friend(nic) just to ask for Siren's. Planned date: march 10.

If that doesnt work,

b)drive to her house. call the number on the singing tutorial banner advertisement in hopes of getting to her sister to get to her number. This is a too bold someone like me to do. But it was er, my last resort? Planned date: march 15.

Well, not really my last resort.

c)get dog to get someone who knows CloudK. CloudK probably would not remember me at all or even give a stranger a girl's number. and dog himself might not have her contact. so its more like a second or third degree request. This is more awkward than anything else. Planned date: march 20.

Wish me luck.

Thursday, August 6, 2009

feather fragments # 21: disconnect

i woke up to what i presumed the longest day of my life - the first day after she left. That was only when i realised my horrendous mistake about not getting her phone number. Immaturely i thought if she missed me enough she would've called.

Which she never did till now. Not even once.

Maybe she was busy settling down. Before she left, she told me that she havent found a place to stay and had to dwell in a hotel with her parents momentarily. And she was carrying quite a number of things, not to mention the documentation process of her universities and courses. Probably busy right?

Yeah. Probably.

I found myself missing her so much i kept browsing through the pictures we've taken yesterday. Even though nobody was around me, i was somehow shy and scanned through the pictures as soon as possible hoping no one would catch me ogling the pictures. My paranoia told me somebody's gonna appear out of nowhere and that was so convincing i hastily reverted to the main menu and dropped the phone out of my hand but on somewhere safe.

The pervert in me was not satisfied.

My stupidity regenerated some courage enough for me to grab my phone again. Pressed the same buttons in the same sequence in a slower pace. I found myself staring. Into that refreshing smile of hers. Which was the only picture of herself only that she let me keep. Again, my paranoia kicked in causing the same actions to be repeated. Don't worry the landing ground was the bed.

The pervert in me was still not satisfied.

Yeah, same boring actions again. But each time i did it, it gradually increased my bravery. Hence I wasted 15 minues of time which could be more benefical if you used it to pee or poop. Unknowningly my enhanced bravery also boosted my impatience.

The pervert in me had a brilliantly perverse idea.

I made that picture my phone's display picture. To save the energy to moronically repeat the same buttons just to catch a glimpse of her and then it's gone. I smiled to myself as if i won a bet. And complimented myself silently because doing that would turn all other girls off naturally. So even if i somehow slipped and asked a girl for her number, this would be my saving grace. The moment of truimph didn't last long though.

The pervert in me felt guilty suddenly.

I needed to somehow indicate to her how much i miss her. Even by crude means. Something is better than nothing. At least when we came in contact some time in the future i had something to save my ass from my assumed (non-existant) wrath of hers. I typed her a semi lengthy facebook message, which includes telling her about displaying her picture as my wallpaper of my handphone. Then,

The pervert in me kept refreshing the facebook page.

Even there were no signs of her being online. My phone was then jealous of the keyboard because i spent more time pressing f5 on the facebook page hoping the message numbers received was increased by one. It was the most monotonous but exciting thing i had ever done. She would happily reply when she saw that right?

Yeah, probably.

My friends were persuading me to play WorldofWarcraft but i strongly opposed their attempts. However, i was having second thoughts after some illogical reasoning. The in-game long travel times enabled me to constantly refresh my facebook page. Moreover, it was gonna damage my real life social circle, meaning less chances to meet girls. I never saw this day coming due to my bad experience with the game but the future is too unpredictable. And if something bad happens i can fully indulge in the game to maintain my emotional stability.

As if it worked.

The day ended.

She called me back to scold me for not getting her number when she returned.

But it was all a dream. No facebook replies. No phone calls. Oh, it's tomorrow.