keep out. it's boring.

Friday, May 29, 2009

feather fragments # 8: zero is zero and nothing but zero

Spent quite some time thinking how to write this part. This is actually a non-meeting part.
Dates from the day after her birthday and a few days after new year.

Siren never even thanked me for the gift. Maybe she hated it. But at least Akasha did showed some gratitude . Nevertheless prevention is better.

I persisted. Maybe at that time i was just trying my luck. To ask her out. She agreed, but told me she would only be free after 20th of January. That's two weeks gone, out of the one and half month remaining that she would be here. She told me that she's busy with something, its not a secret, but she chose to keep it to herself. Things that interest me usually make me curious but this time i wont let that give away the chance of meeting her. Till today, i still wonder what that is. Because at that time, i was this absolutely naive and moronically stupid guy to think that she restricted herself from meeting another guy after breaking up with her ex for a year and 20th of January was the time. Yes, this is pathetically irrational but then again i lie to myself a lot with incredibly creative and superstitious beliefs.

One of the saturday nights in between that period i remember that i tried to reenact another goodnightnsweetdreams but to no avail. She wasnt all ignorant though, just replying my questions and asked questions limitedly only.

Maybe she was busy preparing for some vocal competition. Maybe she was the judge for some junior singing contest. Maybe she's spending time composing something for her group/parents/own liking etc. I dont know. I wondered a lot, but disciplined myself not to ask. I owned Pandora.

It was January 19th. No word from her. So i did what a persistent pervert would do again - sms her asking regarding about the promised meeting after 20th. Apparently she was in genting, with her family. Originally i thought she was doing some performance there, but i was wrong but that doesnt matter anyway. She said she'll be back at the 23th. Meaning Friday of that week. Meaning Chinese New Year Eve. Meaning we, separately respectively will be spending our times with our families. I wonder if it was intentional. But that'll make me wait a bit longer, i foresaw.

And i was right. But she was wrong, about the date she came back. She onlined at the 22nd. I think we both remembered what I've requested, but acted as if nothing happen and go on with 'ohhowwasgenting-didyougamble-orgoforthethemeparks-hi-blah-blah-etc-etc-bye' type of conversation.

Bad signs. Evident from my January posts. Went through CNY with empty hopes. I was on the verge of giving up again. Ah, it was so easy back then. Should still be easy, no?


I persisted. The result was on February 2nd.


Wednesday, May 27, 2009

feather fragments # 7: January

Confusion. I'm only slightly a pervert at that time. Do i go full pervert or half a pervert? Or do i go with the crowd? Those goodnightnsweetdreams meant almost little to nothing. It might be memorable to me but not to her or anyone else.

My dilemma was almost non-existent though when Toby sms-ed me and asked if i were to share with them to buy a gift for her or am i buying alone? Although i foresaw the possible awkwardness, i followed my instinct on buying something for her alone, without having any idea what to buy though. Now, the word 'cosmetics' popped out of the delusional-fantasy-memories of the goodnightnsweetdreams series. No big deal, when it was then it was just a few days ago.

Went Queensbay. Alone. With thoughts like 'what-kind-of-cosmetics-to-buy-since-i-dont-know-what-she-likes-nor-i-know-anything-about-these'. I walked around the Jusco perfume/cosmetics area in misery as if i'm lost in the desert. The price is too much for a-first-time-gift a pervert would present, but yet its Siren's birthday. How? What if its not suitable for her? Would Siren be afraid of me if i gave something too costly? Siren's experienced in being chased, she can sense noobcake flies like me. Or maybe she had already sensed it. I don't know.

I needed help. Checked my contact lists for bimbos, found Boushbell (my apologizes, she's actually one of the smartest girl i've met), and asked for recommendations. She suggested the blue perfume from Body Shop, and so it is! Hey i actually smelled a number of perfumes from the shop before deciding on that too ok. And i liked it the most too. But then again me and Siren dont share the same nose.

Then home i was. Told Boushbell that i'm half a pervert. For Siren, that is. I think that was the first time i verbally admitted that. Or maybe to Toby. Not so sure about that.


And so she was 23. Toby, Fung and I went to her place first. The first thing that's gonna catch your eye is the treasure room-ish style living room, just that all the gold are plastic. But those are achievements, from young to now, something little people can acquire, something to be really proud of, and they deserve to be there. I silently thought to myself, that if i was going to be a pervert, i must be a rather ambitious pervert.

When she was good to go, we went to Manila's Place supposedly for dinner but instead to literally camwhore. Neither of us besides Siren (i think) usually camwhore but somehow the rest of us were compelled to do so. Furthermore, neither of the pics are uploaded for everyone else to see (with the exception of one for a few days). The boys were put in many awkward positions to forcefully get their pictures taken. We were not filming a movie but the number of re-taken pictures makes me feel as if we were doing some low budget film with careless actors. The waitress who served us must had secretly hated us then for ignoring her over paying attention to the camera.

Food came, random pictures were still taken. Oh here goes her trademark drinking facebook display picture pose. (just the same pose, not the one she's using) Me and Toby gave her small portions of our food. She never ate mine. T__T. Then it was present opening session. She never opened mine too. T_________T.

Then the camwhoring session was moved to G-Hotel. Neither of the pictures were uploaded too. We spent a good 30-45 minutes in only 1 floor of the building and missed a movie that she wanted to watch for that.

Not knowing what to do next, Fung suggested we went Red. Halfway reaching there Siren forced us to praise the pencil case she gave Toby. How mean. At the singing lounge, I remembered she hit a high note doing Celine Dion's It's all Coming Back to Me and some stranger looked at her with the bravo impression. I kinda like to be looked at like that. But she got that a lot so i guess its nothing for her. Then i heard a duet. It was then i solemnly swear to myself to learn up Di Shi Xing Xing before the next time we meet up for occasions like this.


p.s. : just to record the date. keyword 'hurt'.

Monday, May 25, 2009


when coffee and candies do not work to keep myself awake at work anymore
that picture works wonders.
they look so happy together

Sunday, May 24, 2009

feather fragments # 6: the last goodnightnsweetdreams # (3&4)

These two nights were different. I hoped for more lengthy conversations with Siren and wanted her to reply me with full enthusiasm, so i waited for that. For both nights, I remembered i moved to the other room because that room has a TV and i won't fall asleep waiting.


The third night, I remembered i watched the first Terminator when Arnold was the bad guy with 50 percent of my concentration and the rest on the taskbar, hoping for orange blinks meaning notifications for receiving messages. I remembered the car park scene from the movie, then how they brought the fight to the police station, then missed the part after that, then suddenly Arnold turned into an andriod and didnt even bothered to watch how the future guy killed it. I know the protagonist died. But i don't remember his name. How fail.

When she paid attention, i remembered the first thing we talked about was about her birthday, which will be arriving soon at that time. Suddenly she jokingly requested that i draw her portrait, and i'm guessing that was based on Boschbell's story that i told her. Woah, i declined saying 'who are you to me for me to draw you?'. Typing this i have an urge to go back in time and slap the 'me' back then. Anyhow that request/statemnt/question did disorientated my heartbeat rate. Yes, i'm that easy. Terms and conditions applied, though.

Nextly i asked her about her interests and the things she like. Obviously, at that time, it was just to get something for her for her birthday. (i doubt the honesty of this sentence) Her reply? Cosmetics. Oh great. I know nuts about cosmetics. Then she said that her sis is gonna buy for her anyway. Plus it's expensive. It made me wonder though, to get or not to get?

Her favourite color is deep red. I told her about mine. She can barely remember it but she got it correct in the facebook quiz about myself 'how well do you know XXX?' (should i feel happy about it? she did that question through the phone with me with me agreeing on what color she thinks that i don't like. i'm easy anyway)

After feeling tired of exchanging informations about our interests, i remembered, not very clearly though, asking her about her life in Australia. About how she converse with the people there because her English didn't seem as refined as someone who studied and came back from Australia. So i found out most of the people she mixes with were Mainland Chinese, Hongkees, Koreans. (not very sure on this part). Explains a lot. A whole lot.


For the fourth night, i remembered watching Rain being featured on MTV. Used that as a starting topic, then moved on to asking her about her preference on random good-looking artists, eg Takeshi Kaneshiro or Wang Li Hong, then her choice on description of character, eg, macho or pretty etc. TK>WLH to her. Second question was answered greedily, answer being a little bit of both. She then said her man doesnt have to be super good looking, just presentable is good enough. However she added, if he's too not good looking it's very hard for her to fall for him too. Do i need to worry for that? Oh, she complimented on how i look at that time, again.

So i went on to compliment her too, and the topic is changed to my preference now, question being yan li vs wen jing. The celebrity examples have being changed to lee jia xing vs linda chung. Apparently, my chinese and my knowledge about TVB sucks, so both of the questions are kind of difficult for me answer. At first i don't quite understand the meaning of yan li too, and she patiently explained it to me. Somehow i changed her question to yao yan vs ke ai, with my answer being yao yan. She later asked me what type of girl do i see her as, i answered yao yan too. I wonder if that offended her or not. Cause somehow i felt she wanted to be complimented cute. Don't know. Heck it doesnt matter anymore now doesnt it.

My chinese was proved awfully bad again when she used the word wu nai and i dont quite understand it again. I see the word everywhere but never inquired about it. Again, she patiently explained the meaning of the word with a few examples. The first one is a bad one, she kind of forcefully used Akasha as a subject and i'm supposed to feel wu nai after all my fruitless efforts and duration. Still i don't quite get it and she used a teacher-student example, eg someone asked you to teach him something, you really gave your best teaching and the person being taught doesnt seem to understand, making you feel wu nai. Heh.

Then, she talked about her music teacher and how proud of the teacher having a student like Siren herself. haHAaHhaaHah. So i asked about her history of music and her family background.

As both of us were feeling more comfortable talking to each other, i tried to ask her out again. She suddenly didnt reply for a period. I swore my heart skipped a beat back then. I was halfway accepting the fact that i was ignored again but she replied that her mum talking to her. Another reason to slap myself if i were to go back in time, because she asked me where would we go, i simply replied, ' dunno, queensbay?', "do what?", 'go walk around lo', " I'm not Akasha wor"



Anyway, both nights have longest good night and sweet dreams exchanges. We initially bid each other farewell at like 530, then had something to talk about again until we realised its 545... 600... and finally my dad woke up and caught me still awake at such an early time. Offlined at around 615.


p.s.: 如果我说爱我没有如果错过就过你是不是会难过

Thursday, May 21, 2009

feather fragments # 5: goodnightnsweetdreams part 2

Siren is from my primary school. Just some information to continue the comprehension for the next part.

I was rational back then. Not drowned. Still able to visualize myself in the future, unaware that i'm not doing anything i thought back then. Nevertheless now there's always this thought that tells me i should done this, refined that, be more proactive, and i won't end up like now. Well, it's now, now. Swallow it. Learnt that the hard way.

Had a gathering with most of my closer primary school friends with the exception of Toby. Everyone there knows of Siren and my intentions too so it was a topic discussed around there. Let me introduce you to Cool. He's a Siren veteran. In simple words, he is/was close to her, so he have a better understanding of her than anyone else. So logically, he would be the one suggest and advicing me what to do. It goes:

"Give up. She's not easy. Very hard to guess what she is thinking sometimes. The only way that she would be with you in a relationship, is that she likes you beforehand." This, i can only listen, with all due respect of his knowledge of her.

Cool continued, "Furthermore, you are younger than her. Younger, even by months, is considered younger, to her. You can't change that fact. But you can change how you feel now." I nodded. As my feelings weren't as developed as now, I find that a perfectly fine thing to do.

Last but not least, "Maybe you can try really hard. Maybe it might work. But that'll have to mean you there with her for she still has another year over there in Australia. Maybe you can do PhD there. Just maybe, but my best advice for you is to give up".

"Yea, i dont think it's that worth it too." "Don't think i know her that much or like her that much to go over Australia." Yes, believe me, i actually said that. Contradicting, contradicting.

Then there was Friction. He adviced too, based on his results, that you dont really have to sell your soul to the devil to pursue a girl. All you need is timing, chemistry, and mocha. Spend only wisely, dont force yourself too much on something. Great words of wisdom, and no im not being sarcastic.

(i dont rmbr this is before or after the primary school friends meeting)

Same setting as the previous post. Transition of 1st January to 2nd January. This conversation lasted longer. Started off as any normal conversation with anybody. Usual stuff like 'oh what you do yesterday-did u enjoy new year- what ur family do- was it fun- yeah yeah i dont remember all of them so well etc.

All out of sudden she brought the topic of Akasha up without me telling her about Akasha, at all. I was caught by surprise, but somewhat happy about that for mysterious and wicked reasons that only me myself know of. (those who know me well probably already know what im thinking haha) Siren told me she actually heard of me trying to pursue Akasha long time ago for a very long period and that she went to her restaurant to look at how attractive she is. I remembered asking her back how she found out about this she said she doesnt remember. I have my suspects but i'll just let them pass.

Then we talked about our past relations, starting with Akasha first as she brought that topic up. Oh, i remembered that when i told her the duration of my pursuit she complimented on my loyalty/stubbornness and there she go rejecting me some time later for being younger and not secure enough wtf haha. Then i denied by telling her another tale of mine, subject being Boschbell. To feel good about myself, i told Siren that i drew Boschbell before albeit not being chosen. Tsk.

The thought of having proportional ratio of questions and statements and storytelling and listening came across my mind. So i interviewed her about SourceofEpic. Got quite a number of information. Reasons, actions, times, feelings, then and after then, and now. And i'm surprised, or biasedly impressed by the way she blames herself for not being able to play her role in a relationship. I always have that impression that people usually defend themselves regarding this matter. However, note that i'm very easily impressed. Under certain circumstances though.

Through this, i somehow obtained some a longer tongue to lick my own wounds in the future. The longer tongue, being Siren not liking SourceofEpic so much* at first, then feelings slowly develop. Anyhow i found out later that this fact is debatable. *And i would like to stress on the word, 'SO MUCH'.

And this conversation was longer than the previous one. Even the goodbye session was extended to 15 minutes. So she really meant it, to me. As in good night and sweet dreams. Back then.


Wednesday, May 20, 2009

feather fragments # 4: goodnightnsweetdreams part 1

I know. Anyone can talk to anyone on msn for a few hours. Nothing to be particularly proud of. But judging from how unfruitful i am, i honestly felt happy. It's like the feeling when a beggar received ten bucks from a generous stranger. Or more like the feeling of seeing a mirage of an oasis after long hours stranded in a desert. Of course, these situations are overly exaggerating, but my situation is like this: me ask-one-question, siren 1-word-reply; me give-one-statement, no reply; me give-one-opinion, no reply; me ask-her-out, ignored. So tell me if the examples are not suitable, i'll correct them.

It was the day before new year's eve. Or more precisely, the wee hours of new year's eve. 12.00AM. We were both online. I initiated a conversation. She replied with her usual 'hihi'. Explains every 'hihi' i use now. Scold me if you want to. Then for the next one hour, she didnt reply much either. She was watching some drama. Somehow somebody in my MSN list occupied me from sleeping till two something. Whoever you are which i dont remember, i hereby sincerely thank you. Because she replied me after that. A lot more than she usually do. This is the 2-3 hours i was talking about the previous entry.

This kind of conversation was a first time for me. I'm talking to a singer about my singing!! I've known by my friends that i 'attempt' (yes i hereby humble-ly clarify, ATTEMPT) to be a rockstar wannabe and growl. Everyone is annoyed by it, i know. Maybe Siren too, i don't know, but she actually inquired me about it. Although none of my songs are ear-friendly, i can actually rap/scream/growl a number of songs and you can almost guessed that she asked something like 'did u intentionally sing like this to make everyone laugh or do u really sing like that?'. In fact, she did. I answered, a little bit of both. She replied, not bad (i doubt her honesty about this) haha, that's your style. However, to her, being a vocalist, the way i sing is a big no-no. She told me it would damage my throat badly. Might be one day i might not be able to voice properly. Since then, this line, 'have you heard the change in my talking voice after i did that' has become one of my favourite quotations.

After that she asked me: Why do i make my voice louder when i rap? How do you actually managed to remember so many songs? Is the song actually sung that way? Does it hurt too much if you rap? Don't rap too much kay perserve your voice to talk to your kids. (ok the perserve part i made it up myself). I remember telling her i lost my ability to do falsetto notes trying to growl. (everyone can make falsetto notes, but not everyone can control it well to make it sound nice)

Some time in between, i thought to myself, all my efforts of learning songs and destroying them in many ways are not in vain. What a blessing in disguse. Haha.

Also, she commented on how straight i was to ask CloudK the why-come-here-but-didnt-sing question. She then said i was straight like a highway to ask that question without thinking much. Yeah. Bad simile. I silently laughed at her English, nevertheless admiring how sensitive she is to these minor details while treating people. Somehow she said she's fine with people being straight to her, but be careful if its other person. Lesson learnt.

It reached 5 when we were still exchanging comments, statements and questions to each other and we (or only me) were enjoying it. (i'm convinced by her longer than usual 'haHAhaHahaha'-s, some capital letters were slotted in between for no reason or for the reason of making a better effect of laughter. ) She told me her normal sleeping time was 3. And she should be sleeping already. Nevertheless we traded good night wishes for around 5 minutes as if repeating the same old 'good nite n sweet dreams' was interesting. Well, it wasn't only just that. But. It. Made. Me. Crave. For. More.

And this was only the first night. There would be three more of these. Of long MSN chats with Siren. And then, if i can recall, till now, no more, none that can match 30/31 December 2008 - 4 January 2009.


Monday, May 18, 2009

feather fragments # 3: the minor spark of light

Do not misunderstand. This title is written by me. So i'm the only person who saw the minor spark of light. Nobody else. Literally.

Meet Siren. You ought to know who. 'She' from the previous posts. Meet Toby. You ought to know why. 'He' from the previous posts. Irrelevant names are given just to avoid the confusion of subjects.


I tried to sms her some time in the middle asking casual stuff. I'm lucky that she even replied but i received one word replies. What a disappointment. Not crying for that anyway.


It was shutdown period for my factory. One week. Invited to sing by Toby. Siren's attending too. Yeah, wasn't having any hopes at that time but still went for the sake of listening to her sing. Never knew or heard someone who sung classically and professionally. Would've been nice if i had the chance.

So we arrived at RedBox at around 6. There were 5 of us. Siren went to get her friend, CloudK, leaving the 3 of us here in the room. We exchanged glances, passing the remote control and mic to each other, fearing that she would suddenly come in and see either one of us mutilate a song. Or at least that's what i thought back then. And that unlucky (or maybe not) person was.. me. zhi zhan zhi sang. Heh.

Then some pop songs were picked. Those classic 90s. BSB. Nsync. Blue. Westlife. Wtf. Some chinese songs then. Siren picked a number of Fish songs and wanted CloudK to sing but eventually sang it all by herself. Then some Joey Yung songs. Then Toby picked some Mayday songs. And then i did out of control. Everybody laughed. I feel like i can be the second William Hung.

Nextly i williamhung-ed Bring Me to Life. I ended it with a DaniFilth-like (ok, nowhere close) scream. Everybody there seemed, or acted like they enjoyed having their ears raped and applauded. Siren too.

They then moved on to Disney songs. Beauty and the beast. Reminds of how reality is not a fairy tale.

Somewhere in between Siren did Di Shi Hang( Xing: she mistakenly read it) Xing. I melted. Someone asked me to rap over that part. I couldn't catch up as i read chinese pretty slow. Plus, i only heard the song once. I picked Tian Tian Ye Ye (also from the same band) but she doesn't seem to know that song. Shucks.

I mutilated a number of songs. The only impressive part is i did it without seeing the lyrics. She then asked me if i visit Karaoke sessions frequently and it's bad that i do. I replied,' have u heard a change in my voice?'. Ok. Label me arrogant.

That couple of songs include she loves me not. I will somehow always pick that song to sing. Sucks to be me.

She sang operatically then. Hao Ri Zi. She asked us if she's scaring us by singing that song. We applauded for quite awhile as if we never heard operatic. Then some time after that i did This is the New Shit, and everybody laughed harder. I asked her back if she's scaring us more or me. Haha. Not funny.

In betweens (oops im so self-centered) were slotted with songs chosen from the other people besides CloudK. She left at ten without singing a song. I remember asking her why come here and dont sing, without realising the expression change in her face.

The other two guys picked songs which i didnt quite remember clearly. (Sorry!) I remember I'm yours was picked. She liked it. The song i mean. Not our version, just to ensure the obvious.

At 12++, Siren's mum called her. She was doing some jingbusa SHE song. When she chose that song i was like wtf even operatic singers listen to such poppish songs. To convince the validity of her answer about her location that her mother asked, she act-cutely sung a part of that song. Gave me the impression that she and her mother are close.

Hmm. this went on till three. a.m.. My throat is so sore talking seems like it's taking a lot of effort. I remember rapping over FRGT/10. Siren whispered to Toby inquiring about my standard of English. Apparently i didn't know that her English is inferior than mine even though she studies in Australia. (backstab!)

The rest of the details are boring. In fact to everyone else i think some of them written above are. These include taking pictures in front of RedBox (wtf)/in the stairs of Gurney Plaza (wtf wtf)/in front of the lifts (wtf wtf wtf)/in the carpark. (WTF)

Little did i know the next day we would have a 2-3 hour msn chat...


Sunday, May 17, 2009

is in a relationship with

cant continue feather fragments for a moment.
everything hurts now.
and she's probably enjoying the moment of her life there so i guess..

thank you for making it official.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

feather fragments # 2: twilight memory

If you are wondering, it's the EdwardCullen Twilight im talking about. It's not like i'm a fan of the show. It's just that we watched the show together. Together with the almost the same gang though. It's totally everyday-ish and nothing special, so you can hate me now, or get used to me.

I was keen on re-seeing her. Not extremely though, at that time. Wouldn't skip work for that. Nevertheless keen enough to show up sick. Around that time, i either deplete two boxes of tissue within three weeks at work with nucleus or cough like every ten seconds as long as i'm not sleeping (during the interval period when my nose is not dripping). Well, that didn't stop me from showing up and neither did it stop me from spreading my disease to 50% of my colleagues. They labelled me the 'source of virus', and if they found out about this they hate me more than how they have already hated me.

My attire was my usual attire, which means it was really bad, that day. Wasn't even expecting anything at that time though. I even carried a tissue box around even if i'm walking around the mall. Everyone else around me must had the hidden expression of 'i-dont-know-this-guy' while walking with me. Yet somehow i managed to not drip or cough throughout the screen time. Congratulate me please.

I got to sit beside her. Sometimes i amaze myself by how easy i feel happy or sad about things. To be honest it wasn't the jumping kind of excitement nor the smile-like-an-idiot kind of happiness. Anyone else would know it means nothing and i'm that anyone else then. Yes, i'm aware that i'm contradicting myself by even mentioning this.

I remembered, 'he (edward cullen) wanted to vomit because of seeing her (bella swann) hair blown by wind and become very messy'. Lame i know. And this is how i amaze myself by feeling happy because i was almost near to a total stranger to her at that time and she can say such things to me. Ok, reminder x 1000, she's friendly. Very.

Then i remembered telling her that Edward wouldn't have charmed Bella without his superpowers cause his conversation skills are bad. She thought to herself for awhile and agreed with me. Whether it was honest i don't know. Whether why i remembered i actually said something like that i do not know either.

Then i remembered she said that his leg was very thin hahahaha. Er. Ok not funny at all.

After the show i have to be home so they have to drop me first. During the journey we are somehow but not unwillingly forced to listen to Cat's Memory. So i played Epica's version from my hp trying to gain some attention. Then she played some Martha Mcbride's song which i don't know of but they do. Then she commented that i listen to out of trend songs and she does too. Somewhere in the middle she asked if anyone in the car has watched/heard of Phantom of the Opera. Shamelessly i asked/told her about the version that i've heard, the nightwish rock version. No she never heard of it. Aw.

Few days later, I found out that she's sick. I wonder if it's from me cause the symptoms are the same. To make things even worse she was going to have a performance in genting. She must've silently hated me back then.

Some time around there i actually inquired about her health and asked her out with a lame excuse: treating her a meal for the sickness i've caused (i think).She then ignored me. So i gave up. End of story. Or at least i thought so.


p.s. : met akasha some time around there too. then i'm ignored again. and this i really gave up.

Saturday, May 9, 2009

feather fragments # 1: re-know

i never thought this day would come.

i'm supposed to meet him, on that particular night, for a movie, but my main motive is more like to catch up with each other. Somehow it feels a little weird because we werent exceptionally close, we don't meet up one on one like that since we parted ways after our form six. But, it's still a good opportunity to socialize. So, yeah, why not? what the heck.

A few moments before the meeting time, i was sms-ed, 'she will be joining us'. Wow, if i were to travel back to the past and informed the twelve-year-old-me that this day will come, i'll be so happy i'll still be smiling even if it's the end of the world. But no, feeling that was too immature. That 12-year-old-me bluntly admired her for the looks and nothing else. Never talked. Just stalked. I like the song 'Creep' from Radiohead. Coming back to present reality, it'd be awkward. I barely know her and if i show up i might be cockblocking or being a lamp post. So i replied his sms to express my fear of awkward situations.

Then i recalled all out of sudden. and i firmly told myself that was just something that almost happened to everyone else when they were my age. so i wouldnt bother. Nevertheless the curiousity of how your childhood sweetheart has turned into in the future is there. Yes, im a pervert but if it's some girl i don't know but i know that she is pretty and the situation is totally similar with the subjects changed, i wouldn't have showed up. But it's her. So i did show up. They say curiosity kills the cat. I see what they mean.

I'm assured that she's friendly as he replied me so it'll be fine. Another friend will be joining us too later and so it will be less uncomfortable. (we all know each other). He offered to drive. Skip the unnecessary boring details, we reached her house. How do i describe how i feel seeing her again after so long? Nostalgic? No, not really. She was slightly plumber. I remembered I commented on that. Not too plumb though, but she used to hit A-list popularity list. Ok, i'm exaggerating here, but if you know her you'd know what i mean. Because of my high-expectation-perception of her, would've thought she wore something more according to her popularity. But no, she just wore something casual. Grey top with patterns of yellow and red sketch of a female face, dark blue jeans, and slippers. Presentable though. My original thought of myself being too ambitious has lowered down by 0.005%. And i have to remind myself that im 22, not 12, which i'm so well aware of at that time.

She came to the car, told him/us to wait for a moment cause she's occupied with something in her house. There's when i commented, with an 'aiyo'. Then when she was in, they talked. We weren't properly re-introduced ourselves since we know each other's existence. Sad thing is she didnt remembered i used to be in the same primary school as her. But i acted as if i don't know her. Yeah, officially i did not know her at that time. I dont think that i'm supposed to act as if i know her.

So we settled to dine at a coffee house nearby her house. Him fried chicken, her popiah, me CKT. I said something that mentioned the word 'fat' when she ordered her food and came back from the stall. I always wondered if she were to thought if it was pointed at her. We ate, they talked, i listened, tried to participate, failed, but not totally miserably. I remember asking what does she actually study regarding vocal and i get the answer back 'vocal lo'. Aw.

We talked slightly more but still relatively less compared to what we did in the future. I'm meaning during the journey from the goodall to queensbay. Met dog, talked about the primary school reunion thing, used that as an excuse to get her phone number. worked. i hate myself.

after the movie, on our way back, it was a different her. she talked more. first we agreed to each other that he looks like harry potter. then i was complimented physically. (ok im not suppose to take this for granted , she usually does that to random people but it's our first day knowning/reknowing each other) next we stared at each other for a brief moment after her comment on the location of Times Square. and laughed. Then we nicknamed accidents as dogs.
finally she talked about security/safety/crime rate. bye.

In our separation to our own homes after that night he asked me about her. I expressed slight interest. Knowing she wouldnt be here long. Knowing it would be that worth it because even if it works it'll be hard. Knowing i must not give too much. Not knowing i'm actually cockblocking. Not knowing that i'll actually lose all my rationality and became the me now, today, on may 2009. Not knowing if i can talk as much as i can really give.


Wednesday, May 6, 2009


bad timing?
maybe itll all just go away very fast
veryyyy fasttt
in one moment

when a wound is about to heal it itches and maybe its itching now

Sunday, May 3, 2009


it's not like i can control it
but can i still think?
yes it's kind of like im not supposed to but i cant help it.

i hold on to things pretty well when i hold on to them.
so whoever you are, don't worry ok?