keep out. it's boring.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

@ ff#14

my thoughts are all jumbled up in random order
some are too insignificant to be placed there
i'm a human not a machine, i dont remember things so horridly well
i even wonder if i added something but i'm pretty sure i kept that at minimum
even if i did it wouldnt be at her part
it would just be me

or maybe i should just not publish it... till the final version is complete?
ideas are most welcomed.
although i'll ignore those i dont like to see haha.

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

feather fragments # 14: February

Note to self: i'm delusional.

i didn't slept well the past few nights in recent time. I wonder if it's caused by knowing that the next post i'mma write is this post. My first and only valentine's day/te.


what if we run out of things to say? what if she bails last minute? am i really that prepared for tomorrow? what if i actually try to hold her hand? what happens if she actually let me? Thoughts like these haunted me before i slept. I was fatigued due to the series of activities after the day and i knew i had get some rest to be at my best tomorrow but my own anxiety, or excitement had kept me awake a lot longer. Everytime i was about to doze off, one of the questions stated above materialized out of nowhere and bothered me for awhile. I didnt realise when did i actually went into dreamland but i did realise i woke up a little bit too early, just to think. I remember forcing myself to sleep but efforts were futile. Well, don't pity me, i was enjoying it back then.

After two hours of rolling on the bed, i gave up pretending that i was asleep. Changed, i headed to gurney to try my luck on the last keychain and to buy the tickets to ensure we get seats for the movie later. I withdrew the key chain gift plan as i couldn't find that name there too. Bad omen. Proceeded to get the tickets. There were to on screens that i might thought she wanted to watch. Valkyrie or Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Yea, im indecisive and i know it's a negative trait for a guy. So i phrased my question (in sms) to not sound too autonomic nor undecided -' which movie u wanna watch, Valk or CCoBB? If u say up2me then i would choose CCoBB.' So CCoBB it was.

Then i went home to grab my branch. and waited and waited and waited. for the specified time of meeting to come. and tried to look my best in the meantime. Now i could look my best and be punctual.

Reached her house a little bit early and waited for the time to come before informing her of my arrival. My means of transportation was a big disappointment though, or so i thought, but it didnt seem to bother her at all, or so i thought again. Like the last one on one outing, i had to wait awhile again but again it was more worthwhile. Red blouse, streched to a few inches above the knees, jeans, high heels, slightly heavier make up, same scent of perfume. She made her way to my humble little car and the sequence was almost dreamlike to me. But it WAS real. Past tense. Real enough for me to remember it till today.

We arrived at the cinema around 30 minutes before the movie starts. In the meantime she went to MNG to change the size of the jeans she mistakenly bought a few days before. I thought i hallucinated very badly because almost everyone in the shop turned around to eye us wondering if i was too lucky to walk with someone like Siren or vice versa or i was the only guy in the girl's department which made me feel kind of out of place. Nevertheless i got so cocky i rhetorically complimented myself by asking Siren if i look good with or without glasses while both of us were looking at the mirror admiring ourselves. She looked at my reflection then at the real me, as if trying to imagine me without the glasses (i was wearing), disappeared into a world of her own thoughts for awhile, and answered, 'hai si yi yang hao kan de la/both looks good'. Boy, it felt good to be gullible, i floated sky high and saw light in every dark corner momentarily.

That took about the time we needed to wait for the movie and i regreted not doing something during the previous movie we watched - getting popcorns. It was either she skipped breakfast and lunch that she would almost eat anything or she adores popcorns very much her mouth never rested longer than 10 secs as long as the packet was within her hand. She munched popcorn so much that she almost finished three quarter of the packet alone and i actually felt jealous of not being the popcorn. During intervals of the movie she would pass the food to me after eating alot herself and still took popcorns from the packet even when i was holding it. I noticed that and turned towards her and stared at her, but all that above was just an excuse to look at her. She seemed to notice me noticing her and widened her eyes as if to concentrate on the movie, slowed down her eating pace and her mouth biting motion was more graceful than it was. If i had the ability to stop time, it was then. It was magical, to me. No wonder that long movie didn't felt long. I remembered the first time we met at starbucks she ordered caramel-skimmed-milk or something similiar. The popcorn was caramel flavored too. Hoping that we have more things in common, i inquired if she liked caramel. Stupid move. She answered,'no ah' and i came to realisation that my hypothesis was wrong. I was happy for the wrong reasons. Maybe she was straving and i even failed to notice that.

The movie ended at like 6 something. Dinner time. Tried to trick her to drop her home to get her camera so that i could sneak the florist to get the flowers for her but to no avail. She said her battery wasn't charged but it could be that she didnt want to take pictures with me. So i resorted to bringing her along to the florist and presented it to her there. She giggled, laughed and reverted back to giggling again with her hands on her mouth for a moment. It felt like she wasnt believing what she was seeing but the optimistic me told me that act complimented her anyway so it was natural she reacted that way. While not recovering from her giggly-laughter, she asked why would i do such a thing. I responded, 'happy valentine's day' only to induce more laugther. It was then i thought i finally had the right to be happy but it didn't last long. The next thing, it could be mean, or confusing, that she said was,' bu xu yao ze yang zuo de la/ dont need to do such a thing'. Ouch. Maybe she's not the materialistic type that pursuers didnt need such things to get to her. Or maybe it was a blatant lie that girls usually say. Because i felt the way she laughed betrayed that statement.

Throughout the journey to the Gardens (dinner place) she held the flowers within her hands. Maybe she was compelled to do so because it wasnt spacious enough and it was kind of disrespectful to leave it elsewhere. We educated each other with details of our lives to the point that she asked me, again, why would i give her flowers during valentines. Unalarmed, i answered,

'to make you happy.'
'its valentines and both of us are single and did you do this out of respect for me?'
'er.. frankly speaking i dont really know u that well but i do have some feelings for you.'

fucking hell tbc..
My heartbeat raced like a deer running from a hungry lion. I felt baited saying what i just said. I couldn't stop wondering why she would pressure me with questions. The enthusiasm and tone of her voice was unexpected though. It wasn't the all serious kind of voice full of assurance and clarity. Rather, it sounded rather cheerful and something tells me she was anxious for the answer. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe she was being mischevious and playful. She sounded like a busybody friend who is asking some personal gossip about me. But she ought to know the other subject was clearly herself. She sounded eager to know my answer, not awkward at all, in fact so natural as if she practised the line before. In fact, i planned to talk a whole lot more with her before confessing, this caught me very unexpectedly. There were many maybe-i-should-do-that-than-this ideas that i could think of later on and somehow i felt what i did was a mistake. Lesson learnt.


Laughter continued but no words were spoken.

'ok point taken. let's move on to another topic. it's kinda awkward to stay in this one.'
'neh it's not like that. we just dont know each other that much. Plus, you are too young for me.'

Upon hearing that, what Cool warned me of struck me. Thanks to him though, i wasnt caught off-guard. My daydreaming sessions had drafted out several replies for this situation. It wasn't really needed though, she continued reasoning to her own statement herself. Maybe it would be annoying in the future, * **** the way she elaborates things. She would go on a talking trance and give full detail speeches that fallen preys would only nod in fascination.

'It's the way i think of stuff. I don't really trust guys younger than me. Somehow i felt that they are insecure due to having a longer period of 'trying'-age. They can go 'oh i'm still young if im not with you then i can be with someone else'. It's not fair for me, in my opinion, and my position. I'm 23. Yeah maybe it's not that old to you. But for me, as a girl, it is. I can't simply go in out of relationships. You are turning 23 too. But you are a guy. Still young for a guy. Still might wanna explore many things.'

Now i'm rather impressed by myself that i remember what she said, almost exactly, but not the exact sequence. I thought, and still think that a few words are not enough to convince someone like her. Her high popularity entitles her to be more choosy and i acknowledge that. I am - correction - i was, gonna show her how capable i can be in terms of security, but it could only be done with a long stretch of time. I didn't confirmed with her of what i was gonna do. I wonder if it was a mistake. No matter now. My heart still pounded abnormally rapidly, and i came out with this within pressure,

'i wasn't asking for a relationship. I wanted to know of you more first. I'm aware that people have to know each other better if they are compatabile with each other and all before going into a relastionship. Am i good enough- just to get you out for dates and talk our hearts out?' (this is less accurate. it sounds lame if its directly translated from chinese.)

It felt like i took a step back. But asking if i was good enough was kind of brave, at least. Even though the answer provided by her might be slightly candy coated to prevent massive damage.

'you are actually not bad as a guy, so far. but i still don't know you that well yet. Plus, we didnt really dated before now.'
'red cliff 2'
'Oh sorry i dont remember.'
'haha it's fine. I actually think you are too high up there for someone like me.'

Ouch. A mosqituo sting though. Cool came back and haunted me. Siren veteran, indeed.

'nono.. it's not about you. I personally think that older people would be more family-ish and loyal as they are starting to plan to settle down. dont you think so?'
'it depends.. Maybe men would be less likely be playful at an older age, but it ultimately depends on a person's character, regardless of age. So do you treasure security that much?'

My statement favored me while my questions put me in a disadvantage. It didn't mean that i can't be secure but it makes her think otherwise. I knew this for a reason as she snapped at me.

'who doesn't want their lives to be secure?'

I paused. Too late to take back that question now. I thought of butterfly ( the him back then) but cleared my mind of him almost immediately. It was me who was asked that question. A rhetorical one though. I had to take a stance. A not too obvious one. A stance to hint my trait.

'you're right.'

I wonder if it worked. It didn't look like it did to me. It takes a psychic and a time traveller to properly let her know what i wanted to let her know.



My notorious bad sense of direction miracously didnt fail me that day. I managed to locate Gardens which i had never being there before, after missing a turn. Before parking the car, i went crazy brave, and at the same time wanting to wear a mask, for asking,

'you wanna bring the flowers down with you to show off?'

Partially it was because i was curious whether she held them all the way in the car willingly or not.

'so ma fan mieh. donnit kua'

Sell me a mask twice its original price. Or thrice. I would still buy it, back then. Originally i planned to do something stupid like trying to hold her hand after giving her the flowers. But i was a coward. And a sore loser too. Because i had give it to her in the car and we wouldnt be walking together. But we were as we left the car. Siren wasn't laughing randomly anymore which i thought her laughter might morally support my courage. Nevertheless each step we walked we were closer to each other by a few milimeters. Or maybe i was the sole factor for the decrement of the distance between us. We weren't talking that much yet, but my heart was reciting poems in monologue. Unaware of where the place was, Siren walked straight towards a direction which i thought, was not the supposed destination. Chance.

I stretched my arm across her back, landed on her shoulder and applied some little force on the landing zone so that she wouldn't go off-track. I felt a budding bliss. Okay, I was the perverted tour guide, but still the same coward seconds ago. Flashbacks of our conversation moments ago came back. Then somehow the slight moment of bliss turned into guilt. Guilt of taking advantage. I released my grip on her. That lasted not more than 4 seconds. Whether this was before or after what i did, i remembered trying the same feat on Boushbell two years ago only to get pushed away in a struggle almost immediately. Not so bad huh, Siren didn't resist in those four seconds. But i dont know her enough to deduce anything from this forgetable incident.

Gardens was visually magnificent, exterior to interior. We stood in front of the back entrance in awe, admiring the multi-cultural-influenced designs and the alignment of the bamboo trees. She complimented on my choice of venue (thanks dr!) and i replied something so trivial i couldn't remember but the next thing she said carved a mark in me.

'i dont believe you were never in a relationship before.'

Glass half full, it's a compliment; glass half empty, it's an insult. I had heard that from people but it never impacted me as much as hearing it from Siren. I was torn between deductions like, woah-i-keep-doing-this-and-i-can-be-in-a-relationship-****-*** and she's-gonna-think-i'm-the-playful-type-omg-no. Ignore me. Anyhow, i came out with an answer a five year old boy who was never knew the definition of lie would give. In fact what she said felt like a reply to what i said.

'i really was never being in a relationship before.'

It was then images of Akasha and Boschbell came back to me and say hi and disappeared in a few miliseconds as Siren stood right before my eyes.

'people whom i wanted never wanted me.'
'but you're so daring.'

Apparently not daring enough. or it's better that way.


Nevermind the failed attempt. I had one of the most memorable and lengthy conversation with Siren, face to face, later on. We revealed little things about our lives and if i were as attentive as i was on every lecture, i had i would've gotten straight A-s every semester.

We actually met Boushbell and Zeroes (nickname for bb bf) and Siren pretended (i think) to feel bad about the encounter by apologizing even though i was the one who brought her there. From that, the talking topic suddenly became our past relationships but sadly i had none to tell her but failed attempts. In return, I asked about her ex. The more outstanding details about him and her were: zoo; he fell in love with her at first sight; helped her on physics; made paper flowers for her and she accepted him non-verbally. These had later on inspired Epic. Hence,the nickname SourceofEpic.

The thrist for her history overcame me and i asked again, if she was popular in Australia among her friends. She told me about an extremely vain pianist who looks as good as lingzhiying but behaves childishly who chased her. She added that he is a big fan or mirrors, goes on a proper diet, visits gyms regularly and complains if he misses gym sessions or the food is unhealthy. He had this crush on her when both of them were in different relationships but never told her until they were (note the past tense) single again. Hmm, i'm just trying to make you think what i was/am suspecting. It could be another person.

Then we became childish ourselves and told each other about our experiences as kids. We were quite shameless about our past stupidities and thinking about it still manages to be me a chuckle even now. I told her of my creative fear of the dark. I would imagine ghosts and spectres and flying heads materializing at specified spots every time i switched off the light. They would patrol around a fixed route and i have to perform a special ritual of counting before i can evade them... just to sleep soundly. It cracked her up. In return, she told me that she used to believe like she was some mandate of god. Like a spoiled brat, she thought she was a standout among every kid and knew she was meant for something special. If that wasn't enough she believed she could teleport. Yes, similar to the Hiro-kind of teleport. Even the open and close eyes part. One fine day (only) she missed her grandma so much she wanted to see her and all she needed to do was to close her eyes and *poof* and open them again and she was with her grandma. However, her mom wasn't around anymore. Missing her mother, she performed the same procedure to revert herself back to her original spot and.... it happened. Grass was always greener on the other side, she would want to see a someone she couldnt see and had performed more teleports than Hiro did in a small stretch of time. Finally she ran out of energy when she accidentally travelled herself to school. She said that she knew it didnt make sense at all but it felt too real, so real that she actually became more arrogant after that incident. It cracked me up.

Somehow we talked to our primary school lives. After exchanging some now-uninteresting questions and information, we interrogated each other about our puppy crushes. She **censoredduetopromise***. Then it was my turn to be asked. It went:

'So what about you? I'm pretty sure you too have your childhood sweethearts.'
'But what? Come'on. Tell me who.'

She looked at me so anxiously. Due to obvious reasons, I was lost at words. and her eyes, too.

'Tell la tell la'
'It'll be awkward if i did'
'Ha? Could it be me? Kinda impossible. Let me think ha...'

Now her view switched to the ceiling. Realising that she never remembered my existence, she almost gave up at once.

'Could it be..... errrrr .. dunno.'

I took a deep breath. I needed enough oxygen to confirm that i was thinking rationally. My brain sent numerous amount of signals to my mouth to say something but most of them failed to reach it. I could only let out a murmur,

'it's you.'

Upon hearing that, her gaze became more focused on me. Maybe she didn't hear it properly. Maybe she didn't believe what she heard. Maybe she thought she was dreaming again. She wanted to smile uncontrollably but her eyes tells me she didnt buy it if i was lying.


Suddenly my manly hormones contributed to make myself sound clearer. It was too late to take back those words.

'yea it's you.'

She couldn't resist to laugh anymore and she did. After composing herself from the laughter, she stated out facts that might deny what i just said.

'we were in the same class before mieh? why me leh? nobody else to like mieh?'
'standard 5. dunno. maybe you were pretty. oh wait you are.'
'but we didn't meet for long. i find it hard to believe la haHahAha.'
'call me a creep. your school number was 93018. you used to have a green minnie mouse bag with magenta edges. but that's all i can remember.'

Nodding in disbelief, she told me that she herself almost couldnt recall that two information about her. She exclaimed,

'HOOORR!~ you must be ogling at my boobs to remember my school number so well!'

I narrowed my eyes, reacting as if i was offended, didn't say anything for a few seconds, and the vocalist said to herself,

'Ooops~ I was like 11-12 back then. Still flat. Havent grew anything yet haha.'

She shied away to snigger. Deep down inside of me, it felt like multiple miniature fireworks exploded in unison. I imagined invisible confettis pouring down all around me. A temporal urge of standing up and declaring 'i'mhappierthanallofyou!' came to me but i was sane enough to prevent myself from looking stupid.

Service was slow and bad. We had to wait two to three hours but that had allowed the long conversation with her. My food, some grilled snapper dish sucked. She ordered some steak and almost finished all of it. The portion was big. Her table manners wasnt the finest and she apologized but i like it that way. Nevertheless that doesnt mean that i can spill water over the table which i did. Embarrasing. Didn't seem to disgust her, though. A nearby waiter walked pass and she asked him to clean up the mess (although it was just plain water) and fill up my drink. Impressed, rather than the usual 'thank you', i said,

'xi huan ni lo'

She just looked at me and smiled. It didn't feel awkward. But the next things we talked about were of no relation with that.

We finished the food and had this brief moment of silence. It was eleven something-ish. Maybe we talked for too long. Maybe her jaw was tired chewing the beef. Maybe she was fatigued from the whole day of activities. Maybe we just ran out of things to say. Or maybe we were in the same place for too long it's getting boring. Tried to take pictures with her there but i was a fail cameraman with a fail camera phone. All the pictures taken were requested to be deleted by her. I didn't know why i was so obedient.

Originally i planned to bring her to the beach for a seemingly romantic moment but it didnt happen. I brought up the idea and she frowned at it. So i resorted to bringing her to Starbucks but Toby saved her life from me. He summoned us to Red for socializing sessions. Again, i didn't know why i was so obedient.

This tiny part of conversation in the car was on a repeated loop in my brain, even now.

'You have someone in your mind now?'
'Hmmmm.... (long pause) no.'
'rejection. ouch.'
'haha. actually when you asked me out on wednesday, i didnt realise it was Valentine's.'
'ouch. again.'

I reminded myself not to go emotional all over this by convincing myself verbally. She could hear me too.

'well. thanks for not bailing on the last minute. i got that a lot.'

She chuckled. Somehow it lifted the uneasiness that the previous two statements had caused. A lesser magnitude though.

I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or it was just her trying to eliminate the silence, she claimed,

'i'm not that ready for a relationship yet.'

Reminiscent. From Boushbell. Then what happened happened again. Present tense. I would like to add two words behind to their statements, 'for you'. Siren reasoned,

'there are still so many things i have to manage and i still can't. I'm too much a mess myself to be involved in such a commitment.'

My ass. Well, thanks for trying to make me not feel bad.

I didn't remember what i replied. I replied something relatively useless. But it did make her say,

'I didnt know you long or well enough. You doubt your own commitment too. Even so, you can tell me you love me but i wouldnt buy it. Anyone can say that he/she love you anytime. But it's only words. There's no truth to it. Actions are usually different. Or maybe it's just me but i hardly believe people when they say that.'

I feel challenged. Nonetheless it was logical and healthy. We reached Red. Leaving the car, it was only a short walking distance to there. Hoping that i could promote myself better, I defended myself,

'notice i didn't use the word 'love'. notice i did say i didn't know you long or well enough when i confessed. I rather let my actions speak my words. I wont simply misuse the word 'love'. I wouldnt want to taint the meaning of word'

We were supposed to enter the building if i didnt say that. She delayed the walk, stood still and turned around and looked at me just to let me finish what i just said. It could totally mean nothing but something tells me what i said left some, if not a little, impact on her.

'let's go in.'

It was the second time i got to touch her shoulder for awhile. The day/te unofficially ended.


I left out a lot of minor details which would seem uninteresting to readers. Through this date (please let me declare it a date for my efforts), i've learnt quite a lot. I am brutally honest and somehow i feel good about it, although it is fruitless.

ff#14:February ends. Signed off @ July 1st. Took me 5 sessions to complete. That's around 8-9 hours.


p.s: @ ff#15

Saturday, June 20, 2009

feather fragments # 13: February

happy belated birthday, Toby


(This part should be in ff#12, attunement. Remembered it after posting that entry. Putting it here due to laziness.)

It was just another normal day of dinner. My parents are awfully busybody. They never fail asking who i am with every time i go out. To prevent complications, i told them about what was gonna happen at the 14th. ( i have a taboo from experiences that if i told someone that I'm gonna have a date, it will be canceled at the last minute) However, around that time, my mum sent my car to repair the exterior damages on it that i usually ignored when she requested me to do so personally. Damn the... luck. My family was still left with two cars, my dad's camry and a kelisa. Considering the transport for a valentine's date, the latter would be a ripoff. After building up some courage, i actually asked if i could use my dad's car so that i wouldnt feel so small driving to Siren's corner house just to see both of her family's car are far superior than what she's gonna be in on such a date. Permission denied. I finished the dinner quite silently then after.

Oh and i bought a nike water bottle when shopping as a present for Toby.

I told my closer friends that i might meet Siren after work while attending Toby's birthday gathering, much to their shock. I was warned that it might be ackward and it wouldn't be fresh for us to converse with each other with too much time spent together in such a short period. The element of surprise would be lesser. It didn't occur to me at all. Honestly, i didnt really understand them either. What's wrong with seeing her as a friend, then as a date/friend-again? Perhaps i was too green at this. Upon hearing that, i felt a wee bit of paranoia. Therefore I clarified myself of these cynical thoughts by reminding myself the fact that i never thought of it before.

When we were dismissed at work, those who knew about me wished me good luck and i responded to them with a smile so wide that i couldn't do it now looking at the mirror no matter how hard i try. A few of them told me to go back to change but i opted punctuallity over appearence, as for that scenario. Firstly i had to fetch Siren to Fung's place. Secondly we thought we had to get the birthday cake. Lastly i had already prepared quite something for the next day and i didnt look that crude at that time.

Due to friday traffic i wasnt as punctual as i thought i would be. We scouted around her housing area for cakes. We almost decided on a specific cake to buy only to find out from Fung that some gal actually presented Toby the cake. Laughing at our blunder, Siren suggested that we get some donuts because it would be sort of disrespectful to show up empty handed.

She wore a top with red and white stripes with jeans. Makeup was moderate but she put on some perfume. My bad knowledge on perfumes was taking its toll on me because i couldn't remember if its the one i gifted her on her birthday. Shamelessly i complimented her scent crudely and even asked Siren what fragrance was she wearing. My shame amplified upon hearing her answer. I wasnt told the name, her answer was just something that some friend gave her. Thus no further statements were made regarding this matter. I actually came across this thought that the scent belonged to the aqua blue bottle.

Along the way i told her about the favourite song of my life. Obviously she never remembered. That's a good bad sign.

Although we were late, we reached Fung's place before Lenalee and boyfriend. We were invited into Fung's room for a brief moment. While waiting, Fung and Toby were watching some American sitcom comedy that i didnt recognize. All the guys present laughed at the funny parts, but Siren seemed to force a smile out to go with the flow. Can she comprehend the joke? She's not very westernized huh? Would that be an obstacle if miracle happens? (last question is a fantasy question and must be ignored at all costs.)

Around ten minutes everybody arrived and were good to go. Fung asked if the group was going in two cars or three cars. Definitely six people would fit into two cars. I felt somehow Fung knew about my intentions. (I was told about the Twilight incident by Toby in distant future.) To prevent myself from feeling the potential bitterness that only i would feel slightly if someone else said 'two cars', i said so myself. Two cars. My car isn't as comfortable as Fung's anyway.

The original destination seafood restaurant wasn't open at that day, so we ended up in one of its competitors. The group and i had let myself stick pretty close to Siren. I think. I wonder if she despised every moment of it. Nonetheless i remembered cracking some crab shells for her. I will remember that moment always so that i can brag about it if she somehow becomes famous.

After depleting the food, we mutually agreed that the place is too shabby for a birthday song or a present opening session. (Toby took a sneak peek though.) Subsequently i suggested that we go to E-gate for that. They complied for not having any other ideas at all.

While in the car travelling towards E-gate, Fung unsuspectingly popped the question 'would we be free tomorrow for a singing session?'. Anticipating tomorrow so eagerly, i was dumbstruck. I wished i knew telepathy to find out what was in Siren's mind. But it wasn't needed- she answered 'yeah' almost directly. I gave her a stern glance and look at the front again realising I shouldn't be making the situation worse. She didn't remember about tomorrow? I struggled to clear my throat and braved myself to say 'no' in weak effort. The car suddenly felt so silent although there were music playing. I attempted to look at Siren again. She didn't notice. I swallowed a gulped, crossed my fingers and reminded myself to be optimistic. Luckily Fung broke the silence by asking on a different day, Sunday. Couldn't be more thankful. Now i can say 'yeah', in the same tone as Siren did. Finally i understood what my friends were warning me about.

We played quite a number of socializing games in 3G, after doing the same ritual of what a normal birthday would be. Neither Siren nor I wanted to drink, but we were reluctantly forced to do so to not spoil the hype of the game as losers were punished to drink. Oh, and another thing to brag about if Siren becomes a celebrity, because we shared the same drinking glass, and everyone else was having their individual glasses. Hurray for something that was actually nothing!

Spent a few hours there laughing at each other, we were tired enough to call it a day. Either it was intentionally or unintentionally i don't know, but Fung asked Toby ONLY what would himself and him be doing tomorrow. Fung avoided asking me or Siren at all even when Siren asked both of them the same question and teased them for possibly hiding their dates. Thank god she didn't ask me. I'll be damned if she did.

Finally i was alone with her again, shortly just to drop her back. Reminded her. Green light. Good night. It was then she told me her stay in Penang will be extended by one week. It was a good thing then. I wonder if it still is judging from now.


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

feather fragments # 12: attunement

The little agents of joy followed me home. When i onlined i randomly spammed 'hehehehehehehehehe'-s for a good 5 minutes to every person that i talked to. Not only i couldnt stop smiling to myself, i couldn't think of anything else to say properly without including the state of happiness i was in.

But smiling was not the only thing i would do, there were plenty more that were yet to be done. So far i'd gotten the flowers, the venue and her permission. What was still missing? A new set of attire? Yeah.. pretty much. So I dragged some of my friends, like around four or five of them to shop with me for something decent. And they exploited my happiness by asking me to treat them dinner. I agreed like very naturally without any second thought. Note though, it happened back then. Usually I'm not that generous.

Out of nowhere (somewhere actually) i had this idea of getting her three keychains, each bearing the name of her chinese character. Yeah, would be weird in the sense of the bulkiness. But it would be special, or at least i thought so.

Thursday it was and in Queensbay we were. The original group of friends were evil because they called a few more people to my treat. Lord had mercy on me though, one of the adds paid me back and another decided to have a fast. After scanning around and trying on different clothes (note that this was a very rare feat that i would do), all of them with the exception of boushbell's boyfriend regarded the topshop shirt with white-grey-black boxes as the one being the most fitting on me. And so it was decided! I've thought about the jeans that i purchase in KL would pull it off with the top, and now it was suggested that a pair of new shoes would do the finishing.
Browsed through shops like Nike, Adidas, Puma, and those mixed ones, and i've finally decided on something by myself! The white Adidas with red stripes is the result, and i feel comfortable and think that i look good wearing it. Raggy's confidence has been increased by 1!

I even purchased some hair wax (i never used wax before) and went for a haircut. All of these required me to spend more than i usually do but believe me, this was one of the enjoyment that i never came across before in my life and the experience was.. exhilarating. I felt like i could turn heads towards me with every new piece on. I felt like i could finally stand rightfully beside Siren without arousing anyone's curiousity about mismatching cases. ( i would like to emphasize on the word, 'i felt'.)

On a side note, i could only get Siren's first two names from Queensbay. Without the last character it feels totally weird to give her only the first two. As creatively-superstitious-to-myself as i am, it felt like a bad omen to me. Anyhow i promised myself to find the last name for her in time.. at Gurney.

I was still generous on friday. Lunch was on me, and two of them actually ate the free dinner from me last night! Friends in need are friends indeed.


Monday, June 15, 2009

feather fragments # 11: anxiety

The self-induced happiness was short lived. I should stop expecting people to remember as well as i do. Or maybe they can have a better memory than me, just that they choose what to remember and what not to.

Tried to reach her on the next day. Fruitless. She didn't answer my calls. Neither did she replied in sms. I even tried to call her only once every long interval hours so that im less annoying but still annoying. Zero responses. It got me to the point that i was thinking whether what i said to her yesterday offended her or not. Or maybe she was just busy. Her sister was going to be someone's fiance, her whole family was accompanying her, so she should be outstation. But that wasn't a valid excuse to not answer my calls, right? When it was yesterday we were pretty much smiling to each other. Could it be her mistake that she didn't bring her phone with her? How could she?

I intended to bring her out some time before Valentines to ask her out, face to face, on Valentines. Was it gonna happen, judging from the situation then? Siren, being Siren, is quite careless and ignorant about phone calls, as told by Toby. He also mentioned that she wouldn't return one's call, you need to call her back unless it's really necessary for her to reach you. That's her style. Upon hearing that, i didn't know to worry more or adapt to her style.

I actually felt desperate. Because she was gonna leave to Australia at 18th. Not much time left. I've pretty much decided on what to do, and i was gonna do it. I sent her a message when Sunday was coming to an end. When my phone wasn't making any sound for what seemed too long, which is only an hour after the message sent, i actually, for the first time in my life, turned on the delivery report of the message on my phone. Curious to know if she actually ignored me or didn't receive the message, i sent another of the same message again. The delivery report didnt give me anything. Since i'm not familiar with that function, i sent a message to myself and an unsuspecting friend of mine. Both of them gave me messages delivered report. The status of the two messages destined to sent to her was still pending. I'm relieved, by one percent. Spend some time waiting for nothing, i slept without realising.

As i woke up the first thing i did was to check my phone again for the messages sent status. Pending. Is this good news or bad news? Should i be worrying? I went to work, constantly unlocking my phone hoping something would happen to it. I even had hallucinations that i heard the message received sound. Sometimes it was really hallucinations. Sometimes it was someone else's phone that was making the noise that i thought i wanted to hear. Sometimes it was some stupid message sent by the phone service provider. All of these three situations required me to check on the delivery report of my messages sent to her. Or at least, the urge to do so appears from those happening. This was one of the very few moments where my phone was my best friend in my life, and as far as i know, this was for the first time.

After repeating the same procedure till the same time of the next day the message was sent, the delivery report reported, 'message failed to be sent.'. I tried calling, but all i hear was the operator talking to me. I did what i did the day before, and devoted myself to unlocking my phone more regularly.

The same thing happened on Tuesday. I was so lost. I looked like a zombie during work. Nonetheless, i was not giving up yet. So was Wednesday. Phone check frequencies were more or less the same. I was more zombie than the usual zombie i am. Anyhow, i tried to cheer myself up by booking the place where we might or might not dine during Valentines. After I did it and i felt momentarily happy but only to resume feeling down some time later.

I play badminton at night with my colleagues every Wednesday. That night, I went to play too, with the same dull look. Sultan gave me a pat in the back, telling me to think positive. I appreciated it, but i didn't know if it helped. Even there, I didnt stop my phone checking habit. As i saw the message delivery report failed, again, I stared at the same screen and spaced out for a few seconds. My thoughts were blank, but not blank enough to press the green call button. I pressed the speaker towards my sweat-covered ear ignoring the chance that the sweat might spoil my phone and then i'm pretty sure i wasnt hallucinating when i heard,




Trust me, it felt like i was on adrenaline. My eyes widen. I pressed the phone harder on to my ear each tuuuttt i hear. My heart beat like i was lacking oxygen. If you are a psychic and can read my mind, you'll only hear one thing coming from my mind, which was 'answer the phone, answer the phone, answer the phone!' very anxiously.

'Hello. What happened to you? Have being trying to reach you the past few days.'
'Oh. Went KL with family. Sister registering to get engaged. Sorry that i didn't bring a charger over there. haAhaAhahaha. Worried about me is it?'
'Worried madly. Saturday free? I booked a restaurant for two and i thought it would be nice i can bring you there.'
'hmmm saturday ar... ok ar. can. what you doing?'
'playing badminton. keep let people bully.'
'wa so miss me ar playing badminton also call me.'

Upon hearing that, I swore angels fell from the sky and stretched the side of my lips upwards. I smiled so idiotically that i could almost qualify as being retarded and i didn't even mind. My colleagues saw the drastic expression change in me and understood what was it all about. I told them what was the phone call all about anyway, to confirm their guesses and to remind myself how happy should i be. My heart danced like a butterfly. I transformed from a starving zombie into a monkey given an unending supply of bananas.


p.s.: conversation with Siren is cut short. no details were added. last paragraph was exaggerated.

Saturday, June 13, 2009

feather fragments # 10: my song echoes from the deeps

Sultan Sultan. Never thought that you would so much of a help even though i wanted to murder you for a few seconds. I'm very easy to be influenced and gullible, i don't know to thank you or hate you for now.

I remembered that invitation. Siren never asked me again about it. Maybe it was my reaction that she thought i have no interest. Or maybe she never invited cordially. But Sultan remembered. I've told him once and later on he kept pestering me about going to the performance. Also, he said it's his interest to watch classical live shows. So i gave in. Asked Siren the details, venue, time, date of the performance.

Towards thursday i suddenly received a message from her. That never happened before. It means bad news. I'm a professional at getting rejected. I'd suspect it's either to tell me off, but she was trying to tell me she's sick again, and there's a possibility she might not sing that day. I didnt saw that message till awhile later, and there's a second message, i go take injection from doctor later. Huh?

So i did what a regular fly would do - call her and show her some concern. She didnt even sound like she could properly talk. At this point i found myself being lower than an average pervert because i ran out of things to say fast, and ending the conversation with the excuse, 'ok maybe you shouldn't talk so much to not hurt your throat.' I almost had a nervous breakdown from my lousiness.

The following day she told me she visited the doctor and the doctor told her that the injection wouldn't do her any good and it's also damaging, long term. However, the lineup of the performance is out and she had to do it. Whether it's a failure or not i dont know but i found myself saying things i usually don't, ' i'll be there to support you morally and see your showmanship.' (wasn't the exact words i remembered it from raw memory)

I don't remember if she replied that message or not. She didn't if i'm not mistaken.

It was going to be Valentines. Toby suggested that i give Siren some flowers on that day. To be honest, i didn't had that thought before he suggested. Well, it was the same time that i was still rational and hesitant to go to the concert. Anyway, the ultimate decision is mine and i've decided on something, so it means something, no? Should i learn to make up my mind quicker next time? Based on what should i decide on something? I'm not given a full description of every options, i have to find out myself.

7th February. Had lunch with Sultan. Then i ordered flowers somewhere near Siren's house. Then went to her house to get the tickets for the concert. She was in heavy make-up. Then i went home to change for a visit to our senior colleague's house, as it was still within the 15 days of CNY. But they recommended that i change if i were to meet her later, because i was wearing the only overly loose red shirt i have. I wanted to wear that color because i recalled that she liked deep red the most. (this fact is unnecessary and insignificant, sorry) Sultan was me with all the while.

Thinking about her bad condition of her throat, i bought some strepsils, like on the very last minute.

We made our way to the auditorium, and to our horror, almost every audience there were aged on the two very far ends. Most of them consists of families that the moms and dads were at least above 40. Their kids aged when they can achieve orgasm by running around and screaming with no particular reason. I felt so out of place. Siren was nowhere in sight. I would suffer another nervous breakdown again if i didn't bring a wingman.

The usher greeted and thanked us for showing up and appreciating such kind of music. Since we were like the outcast there my paranoia tells me the usher was thinking that i'm there for someone rather than what he said. Whatever. We found ourselves a place to sit. There were girls, dressed with eye-catching traditional cheongsams walking around the area. I assume they were going to perform. Siren was still nowhere to be seen. Busy with her wardrobe i guess. I thought i saw her sister though, not very sure, but that assured me to not worry unnecessarily.

I called her to tell her of our arrival and asked her to let me see for awhile so my RM2.60 of strepsils won't go to waste. She appeared, but remained stationary in her partition and i had to walk to her for a chance to talk to her. How mean. Now i'm obviously a pervert to the audiences. I wished her good luck and not to force herself too hard. Then i handed her the little white packet of chemical candies. She took it, without hesitating, smiled, turned around into the dressing area, and i felt like i had amnesia because i don't remember a thank you. Nevertheless i jumped for joy that she took it for granted spontaneously. I don't care if i'm lying to myself because i felt that her smile was genuine. The walk back to the seat was different from the walk towards her. It's like i was so panicky and uncertain at first while later, i was so basked in a self-induced feeling of achievement. I imagined all the old people on the seats were eyeing me with envy and all the kids were wondering to tease me or not because they would if they knew me. (Note that the last part is just delusional.)

We were provided with song lists that states the singer's name and the song name but i didnt bother to look at it. I'm afraid that if i knew when would she be coming out i wouldn't pay attention to the rest of the show. However, i thought that she might ask me who sung well relatively so i gave my best in trying to listen to the whole concert. I found my concentration level strange because i was actually paying attention to singers, even if they were not her.

Siren did two songs by herself, one with a duet and two with the whole group. It's either i'm gullible or my eyes are playing tricks on me, because Sultan told me that she looked at her parents, and then at me the most while performing, and i believed him partially. Unconvinced, i looked at the other singers during the finale, and i still managed to lie to myself that what he said is true because i felt, comparatively, that their line of sight weren't as biased as Siren's.

Before the finale they announced that Siren's sister would be getting engaged and they would be registering the knot as soon as Monday in KL.

Her last song was mindblowingly fabulous considering her condition of her throat. Sad thing is that i can't really tell the difference between that being bad and when she was doing it in good condition because my heart suffered a total major meltdown even though she said it's one of her bad days. She was as if, imitating the sound of some bird because i remember long stretches of kuka-s with melismatic note changes, all in one breath. ( pardon my stupidity)

When the show is over, they had this small photo session. She came to me and asked me about how good was the performance. I looked at her and smiled without saying anything too. Then she asked me if just went to yingchou her. (give her face) Same response from me. I asked her would she be free tomorrow, she replied probably. Lastly, we took a few photographs together on the stage. I never saw those pictures though. Even until now.

After the event i replied her the two questions via sms. You sing real good and its up to you to believe or not but im not just yingchou-ing you. She never replied.

I felt sheer pleasure. Like never in such a long time. Sultan told me that if i were to go for her, it would start with a wait if i happen to succeed. I firmly said i could wait, if it's worth it. He said he couldn't if he were me. I see too little of the whole picture.


Sunday, June 7, 2009

hit the floor

Siren says:
now is already before dear
Siren says:

p.s: Omar. Explain title. Please and Thank you.

Saturday, June 6, 2009

feather fragments # 9: oh sorry i dont remember

'How was the dinner there?'
'Didn't go because of you ma.'
(wasn't exactly word to word because it's just remembered but trust me it's almost like that)

Fung organized an eating trip to Bukit Genting (the pg one) and Toby, Siren and I were invited. I couldn't make it due to my work time and i'm booked for another gathering as early as a month ago. My ex-collegemates were probably fed up with me not showing up to their events a number of times around that time. Or did i think too much. Whatever.

Instead, Siren and Toby or Siren or Toby invited me for a movie on that particular day. It was quite late but i was, again, invited before them by another group of guys for dota. Why the bad timing! Subsequently i was a little silent during the gambling session. I drank little to no alcohol. Maybe i wasnt noticed at that time, but i think i'm kind of being a cold blanket there. (with reasons, though) Too late to apologize, huh?

My mind was drowned in a non-existent dilemma. Non-existent by meaning because the decision is made supposingly, making it not a dilemma. At the same time, the perverted side of me was sulking deep inside. Or more correctly, outside too. Evil thoughts like ditching people came to me for awhile and dissipated in a few seconds later, repetitively. I'm such an asshole.

And finally the one asked me and my gang to dota didnt show up. Wanna ditch but didnt and end up being ditched. Karma.


Siren and co. were supposed to watch RedCliff2 but didnt because the tickets were sold out at that time. Using that as a chance i asked her if she wanted to watch the movie, with all the details left out purposely besides the time. If i could remember, Toby was no longer at Penang at that time, and neither of us are close to Fung. That makes the two of us, only if she didnt brought any of her friends, which she didn't. (Thanks!) I didn't ask for a dinner though fearing she would not show up at all. However she said she had to be back at 11 to pray since it was the ninth day of CNY.

The showtime was after dinner time, around 8 to 9, with Gurney an earlier one and Queensbay a later one. Fearing the same ordeal that happened to her would reoccur again, i went to Queensbay to purchase the tickets directly after work. My original plan was to buy them at Gurney first but it didnt happen due to time constraint. This is because she lives near there and would almost surely prefer to watch it there. Oh well, just to be safe.

So i arrived at her place at 8. It took her almost 15 minutes for her to come out from her house but the wait was worth it though, she applied makeup. Not that i'm a big fan of makeup, the fact that she didnt put any during Quantum of Solace and Twilight kinda cheered me up. She did, during her birthday, though. She knew she was going to be momentarily alone with me, no? Or was she presenting herself to look better when she visits her relative's place.. just to pray? No, i'm not jumping up and down for that, but there's a slight-itchy-giggle-happy kind of sensation.

She wore what she wore on the boat and being hugged by him, that night.

The second little fact that tickled me was that she intentionally skipped her dinner with her family. I amaze myself at times on how i manage to make myself slightly happy from non-existent things at times. I asked if she wanted to eat something but she said she's on diet (doubt that) plus there's not enough time for the movie. As expected, she wanted to watch the show at Gurney. The miser side of me bids farewell to the RM20 for the Queensbay tickets and secretly hopes for the seatings in Gurney to run out so i can impress her by having prepared a backup plan earlier; while the perverted side of me intended to devise a plan to let her know of my earlier preparation accidentally intentionally. Unluckily, or luckily, neither of those scenarios happened.

As we were making our way towards the cinema we bumped into a colleague of mine, Sultan. He was mesmerized by Siren's beauty and utterly surprised that i was the one walking with her. Due to him being a busybody, he partially knew about my pitiful history being a pervert. Without thinking much, he greeted me and threw me a question before i introduced her to him,

"oh, is this Akasha?"

My heart sank. Even though the answer can be given almost immediately by me, it took me a few seconds to recover from the awkwardness to reply him. A sudden gush of murdering-him-to-silence-him-for-spoiling-my-'da(y/te)'-intention rised up but only to fade away in that few seconds. We happened to be there to watch the same movie at the same time. After a brief introduction of each other by me, we parted ways.

She invited me to one of her performances which would be on the next week at that time. (7th February 09). The theme would be CNY-ish. It's not like i'm that close to her at that time, nor was my feelings towards her as developed as later. Furthermore it's gonna be super weird to go alone to a concert which is not my choice of genres. So, judging from now, i was stupid enough to reply her 'see how'.

Somewhere along the way i told her that i felt she would be rather called cute/keai/wenjing (question @ goodnightnsweetdreams) than the other (yao yan). She commented that as long as it's a compliment then it's fine, but somehow i think she kind of forgotten that she asked me such a question. Towards the end of the movie, she commented that the last part of the movie was to dramatic and the characther linchiling was playing should die. Haha. Ironic cause the next thing she told me is that someone back in Australia commented she resembles her in terms of appearance but she does not think so. Meh.

Movie was long and by the time it finished i had to drop her back at her place. Nothing memorable to anyone else i guess. Too short. Too little things done. I wonder if it's even considered a date. However, I asked her a little bit about her studies regarding vocal, and the answer came with clearer explanations and examples that she sang herself, eg ornament differences between Baroque, Classical and modern era, which honestly speaking, i could barely understand. Nevertheless comparing the authenticity that time with the first time i inquired her regarding the same topic, i felt a certain degree of satisfaction.


Tuesday, June 2, 2009

black font

sometimes it is just better to say nothing
one'll realise when all is said and done

all my wounds are self inflicted.
i know how not worth it it is.
i know nobody would give a damn if i switch like that
im told that i refused to listen
but all i did, obeys what that's being listened, no?
besides, what i did to obey is actually to, do nothing.

you know what to seek to make yourself happy.
i guess doing nothing is all i can do to contribute to that.