feather fragments # 11: anxiety

The self-induced happiness was short lived. I should stop expecting people to remember as well as i do. Or maybe they can have a better memory than me, just that they choose what to remember and what not to.

Tried to reach her on the next day. Fruitless. She didn't answer my calls. Neither did she replied in sms. I even tried to call her only once every long interval hours so that im less annoying but still annoying. Zero responses. It got me to the point that i was thinking whether what i said to her yesterday offended her or not. Or maybe she was just busy. Her sister was going to be someone's fiance, her whole family was accompanying her, so she should be outstation. But that wasn't a valid excuse to not answer my calls, right? When it was yesterday we were pretty much smiling to each other. Could it be her mistake that she didn't bring her phone with her? How could she?

I intended to bring her out some time before Valentines to ask her out, face to face, on Valentines. Was it gonna happen, judging from the situation then? Siren, being Siren, is quite careless and ignorant about phone calls, as told by Toby. He also mentioned that she wouldn't return one's call, you need to call her back unless it's really necessary for her to reach you. That's her style. Upon hearing that, i didn't know to worry more or adapt to her style.

I actually felt desperate. Because she was gonna leave to Australia at 18th. Not much time left. I've pretty much decided on what to do, and i was gonna do it. I sent her a message when Sunday was coming to an end. When my phone wasn't making any sound for what seemed too long, which is only an hour after the message sent, i actually, for the first time in my life, turned on the delivery report of the message on my phone. Curious to know if she actually ignored me or didn't receive the message, i sent another of the same message again. The delivery report didnt give me anything. Since i'm not familiar with that function, i sent a message to myself and an unsuspecting friend of mine. Both of them gave me messages delivered report. The status of the two messages destined to sent to her was still pending. I'm relieved, by one percent. Spend some time waiting for nothing, i slept without realising.

As i woke up the first thing i did was to check my phone again for the messages sent status. Pending. Is this good news or bad news? Should i be worrying? I went to work, constantly unlocking my phone hoping something would happen to it. I even had hallucinations that i heard the message received sound. Sometimes it was really hallucinations. Sometimes it was someone else's phone that was making the noise that i thought i wanted to hear. Sometimes it was some stupid message sent by the phone service provider. All of these three situations required me to check on the delivery report of my messages sent to her. Or at least, the urge to do so appears from those happening. This was one of the very few moments where my phone was my best friend in my life, and as far as i know, this was for the first time.

After repeating the same procedure till the same time of the next day the message was sent, the delivery report reported, 'message failed to be sent.'. I tried calling, but all i hear was the operator talking to me. I did what i did the day before, and devoted myself to unlocking my phone more regularly.

The same thing happened on Tuesday. I was so lost. I looked like a zombie during work. Nonetheless, i was not giving up yet. So was Wednesday. Phone check frequencies were more or less the same. I was more zombie than the usual zombie i am. Anyhow, i tried to cheer myself up by booking the place where we might or might not dine during Valentines. After I did it and i felt momentarily happy but only to resume feeling down some time later.

I play badminton at night with my colleagues every Wednesday. That night, I went to play too, with the same dull look. Sultan gave me a pat in the back, telling me to think positive. I appreciated it, but i didn't know if it helped. Even there, I didnt stop my phone checking habit. As i saw the message delivery report failed, again, I stared at the same screen and spaced out for a few seconds. My thoughts were blank, but not blank enough to press the green call button. I pressed the speaker towards my sweat-covered ear ignoring the chance that the sweat might spoil my phone and then i'm pretty sure i wasnt hallucinating when i heard,

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

tuuuttt-tuuuttt.

Trust me, it felt like i was on adrenaline. My eyes widen. I pressed the phone harder on to my ear each tuuuttt i hear. My heart beat like i was lacking oxygen. If you are a psychic and can read my mind, you'll only hear one thing coming from my mind, which was 'answer the phone, answer the phone, answer the phone!' very anxiously.

'Hello'
'Hello. What happened to you? Have being trying to reach you the past few days.'
'Oh. Went KL with family. Sister registering to get engaged. Sorry that i didn't bring a charger over there. haAhaAhahaha. Worried about me is it?'
'Worried madly. Saturday free? I booked a restaurant for two and i thought it would be nice i can bring you there.'
'hmmm saturday ar... ok ar. can. what you doing?'
'playing badminton. keep let people bully.'
'wa so miss me ar playing badminton also call me.'

Upon hearing that, I swore angels fell from the sky and stretched the side of my lips upwards. I smiled so idiotically that i could almost qualify as being retarded and i didn't even mind. My colleagues saw the drastic expression change in me and understood what was it all about. I told them what was the phone call all about anyway, to confirm their guesses and to remind myself how happy should i be. My heart danced like a butterfly. I transformed from a starving zombie into a monkey given an unending supply of bananas.

tbc...

p.s.: conversation with Siren is cut short. no details were added. last paragraph was exaggerated.