Irony part IV

i always fantasize
because i never felt like i win
anything real to make me really happy
i feel that I'm asking too much
but thinking back..
what did i really asked for?

i seldom craze for items
am satisfied with what i'm using now although its average or below average
almost, never had the thought of getting anything new too..
does that make me, very, not materialistic?
i had two major crushes on two unlucky girls
who look, above average..
would i ever get a crush on a below average ?
does that make me, very, materialistic?
..
or does that make me, luscious?

someone asked me if i only would like good looking girls only
i answered no
i've been telling myself that, i'm not that kind of person
but deep inside, i dont really understand myself
or maybe i did and i refuse to face the truth....
i'm bad at facing truths

man i should really get a life instead of wondering stuffs like that..
sometimes i think i've healed
sometimes my scars rip open
sometimes i wonder if im just hiding, although i no longer feel bad around people
sometimes i feel really bad being with only myself thinking i'm being only with myself
sometimes, i rather be with myself..
never a time, i can feel that im superior and being admired of some capabilities
everytime, i wanna .. ditto

what is love?
am i just curious about it so much since i never experienced it
but it wouldn't be fair to the person i use to fulfill my curiousity
life's not fair anyway so why should i care so much?
i still do wanna care..
for now
i rather feel pain, than inflict pain
you can say im stupid, i dont care
for now..