White Flag

I'm reliving history.
I guess this is defeat.
No attention given.
No promise promised.
Ok becomes next time.
Next time becomes see how.
I guess i'm just asking for too much.
then i'm ignored, forgetfully.
it's not wrong to want something, right?
Higher frequency of initiatives proportionates ignorance
and you won't initiate a conversation with me unless its important
otherwise i'm a stranger
and everything else seems to matter to you besides me
I hate this feeling but i'm not going crazy because of these.
I needed to be somniac.

There's nothing i can do to fix this.
to suddenly realise i've fallen deep
i guess i shouldn't bother you anymore
as it bothers me more than you'll ever know.

Fingerscrossed

Did i say something wrong?
seems so.
hope i won't repeat it tomorrow

i'm not good at this
after every time i did something i would come out with an idea to do it better but the timing is already out
frustration overcomes me and it makes awkward situations more awkward
i wonder how much can you tolerate
but i'm giving my best so that i wont regret in the future

hold on..

Mirage

somehow i dont wanna receive any calls or messages
although i dont usually receive them
but receiving before the time usually means cancellation.

but whatever happens
even though i might not be anywhere to you
i'm stranded in the desert for so long that a mirage of an oasis seems like a blessing to me

and whatever that happened
i actually feel some satisfaction
and i should be thankful upon the treatment i received.

till then, i'll continue enjoying the sight of the mirage, hoping for the illusion to turn into reality

Ignorance is bliss. not.

After receiving my results, i'm starting to wonder what's going to happen to me in the future. It wasn't as what i expected, but my disappointment slowly turns into nonchalance. This is bad, i know. I'm the kind of person who used to care. But i'm a person who's afraid of facing reality when it's harsh. Like now. Shucks.

Come to think of it, the effort i put nowadays on academics is relatively low. This is the time where everyone should work the most. This is what that determines what you do in the future. Yet i don't seem to have interest on it. Reasons? Many have been thought but they sound like excuses. Irresponsible excuses. Excuses used to make oneself feel satisfied for only the moment the person is saying it.

One of the so-called 'excuses' are because of the less stringent regulations around me now. I'm seemingly aging and maturing but that's just the word used to 'cover-up' for being rebellious. Although i'm a slob and i suck at taking care of myself, i get pissed upon being ordered to do something that i don't feel like it. Explains a lot on my negligence on my studies.

My friend even pointed out that i don't show interest on the subject i'm studying. Hm. I wasn't sure about that. I've being telling people i chose this path just to try out and end up continuing it due to laziness. And after those words were uttered, the fact, amplifies and disturbs me somehow. Then i start to think, i'm not alone on this, and there are so many people handling this situation better than me. I should be ashamed.

Things that supposed to happen are not happening to me. Maybe its not even supposed to happen anyway. I can list out a few reasons of it not happening though, namely my incompetence. Immaturely, i demand that exposure so that i feel that i have a life or a purpose. However, for that, determination-dedication-perservance-etc are needed. I lack that and i need that.

Then, when there's a large duration of associations not happening, more attention will be given. Questions will be asked. Lameasswhodoesntknowhowtojoke me can even induce laughter. Then, when the duration's shorter, i'm starting to feel what i'm supposed to feel. Blah, i don't deserve to complain too as efforts made by me are relatively low.

I wish i can be understood. Well, it's almost impossible. Guess i'm just too lonely.

Now I see the times they changed
Leaving doesnt seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
KoЯn- Alone I Break

Chorus of one of my all time favourite songs. There's a reason why it's there.

Dawn

there's always a time when everything goes wrong
the time is now
it didn't matter that much though
i wasn't so prepared for it

upon that i went emotional for awhile
yes, i still am that immature irrational freak but i have a faster recovery rate
and im so glad i replied that way
only to be replied after another few attempts of initiative

but this chain reacts to other things
other things that matter and shouldn't be affected like this

i need things that make me happy
there's gotta be more to life that's worth living for
nothing's interesting lately.

there'll be sunshine after darkness
all i need to do is to wait for the dawn

because it's different.

Where am i to you?
i wonder and wonder but feared to know if the truth isn't what i hoped for
nevertheless i don't even know what i hope for

i was always a runner from reality
always running from everything resulting in getting nothing
and complain about everything

somewhere in time it amplifies automatically
and yet i still feel uncertain
diminishing and reccuring
just like every asshole that comes and goes

more activities leads to more considerations
mistakes shall be remembered and not regreted upon
i no longer feel that it's fair to turn back the time for one person
because it's different
everything that happens makes you you today
and it applies to me too
forcefully changing fates like that is just unjust

and don't get me wrong. i'm an awfully biased person