Ignorance is bliss. not.

After receiving my results, i'm starting to wonder what's going to happen to me in the future. It wasn't as what i expected, but my disappointment slowly turns into nonchalance. This is bad, i know. I'm the kind of person who used to care. But i'm a person who's afraid of facing reality when it's harsh. Like now. Shucks.

Come to think of it, the effort i put nowadays on academics is relatively low. This is the time where everyone should work the most. This is what that determines what you do in the future. Yet i don't seem to have interest on it. Reasons? Many have been thought but they sound like excuses. Irresponsible excuses. Excuses used to make oneself feel satisfied for only the moment the person is saying it.

One of the so-called 'excuses' are because of the less stringent regulations around me now. I'm seemingly aging and maturing but that's just the word used to 'cover-up' for being rebellious. Although i'm a slob and i suck at taking care of myself, i get pissed upon being ordered to do something that i don't feel like it. Explains a lot on my negligence on my studies.

My friend even pointed out that i don't show interest on the subject i'm studying. Hm. I wasn't sure about that. I've being telling people i chose this path just to try out and end up continuing it due to laziness. And after those words were uttered, the fact, amplifies and disturbs me somehow. Then i start to think, i'm not alone on this, and there are so many people handling this situation better than me. I should be ashamed.

Things that supposed to happen are not happening to me. Maybe its not even supposed to happen anyway. I can list out a few reasons of it not happening though, namely my incompetence. Immaturely, i demand that exposure so that i feel that i have a life or a purpose. However, for that, determination-dedication-perservance-etc are needed. I lack that and i need that.

Then, when there's a large duration of associations not happening, more attention will be given. Questions will be asked. Lameasswhodoesntknowhowtojoke me can even induce laughter. Then, when the duration's shorter, i'm starting to feel what i'm supposed to feel. Blah, i don't deserve to complain too as efforts made by me are relatively low.

I wish i can be understood. Well, it's almost impossible. Guess i'm just too lonely.

Now I see the times they changed
Leaving doesnt seem so strange
I am hoping I can find
Where to leave my hurt behind
All the shit I seem to take
All alone I seem to break
I have lived the best I can
Does this make me not a man?
KoЯn- Alone I Break

Chorus of one of my all time favourite songs. There's a reason why it's there.