feather fragments # 27: don't keep promises you can't make

Those words just blurted out. Even though i considered how uneasy she would react to it. Selfishly i didn't care. Because at that moment i wanted to show how much i cared although i knew it wouldn't be appreciated.

'very hard for me to tell you.'

She sounded as if she was sleeping and my phone call was the one responsible for waking her up that day. Her talking speed was slower than usual. Nonetheless it challenged me to feel nervous. I knew what i heard but i didnt quite understand it.

'what does that mean? like or don't like only wert.'

I never thought i would become so pressuring. An immediate moment of guilt rushed in but it was gone as soon as it came. Our conversation suddenly turned awkward within ten seconds from the start of the call. Taking some time to think to herself, she said blurly, but clear enough for my concentrated ear to pick up.

'don't.. really... know.. how to tell you.'

Why this reply? That pictures will lead or mislead people to think that they are more than friends. My mind became deductive due to the brainstorming-warm-up i'd gotten all night:

a) It is just a picture.
b) Maybe she hadn't decide if she likes him, but still considering.
c) Maybe she already did, and he hadn't proposed so she didn't dare to declare that they were officially an item.
d) She didn't want to tell me.

I thought of the picture that we've taken together although it didnt come as close as the pictures that don't have anyone tagged. I remembered that she told me about boys pursuing her and how easily and firmly she would say no to them but not to this one. I remembered that she wouldn't jump to conclusions hastily so she would take some time considering. Ironically i thought of her being an adoration junkie although im not supposed to.

I snapped out of my own world of thoughts after a few seconds. The next time i said, as impulsive as i was, was the summary of what happened to me the night before. Of what that kept me rolling on the bed till sunrise. Of what that sent me into a violent whirlpool that never reached the bottom.

'i know im not supposed to tell you this, but im jealous.'

Forgive me. I couldn't help it although i knew im no position to tell her that. Or just let me and forget about me begging for forgiveness. Credit me instead for being so honest and direct.

'really.. dont know how to tell you.'

dont really know how to tell me or dont really know how to tell someone like me? I knew she was aware of my intentions. Or maybe she wasn't. Or maybe there was still a slight amount of hope on me but that was merely predicted by my desire. Or less maybe but more definitely, no considerations about me were made due to herself being busy considering the other one. Maybe i should give her some space to sort out her thoughts. Well, not maybe. I should.

*

It was my friend's birthday. I remembered it but i didn't wish him. I didn't feel like typing the word 'happy' at that time. Happy belated birthday, Recharge.

********

I couldn't sleep for the next two days. To redundant thoughts of Siren. Jealousy works better than caffeine. Or horror movies.

*************** please kindly skip to the non-purple part. these are just posted as evidence for being imsomniac. They are repetitive and boring if you are not me.**********


what does don't-know-how-to-tell-you means?
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She never made any attempts of talking to me. Well, almost never. (ff#21-24)
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I'm the first person she would ever got close to in the shortest period of time. (ff#17)
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He's the guy she mentioned during ff#14? (ff#14)
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What happened to the guy who gave her the chain? (not included in any ff-s, happening during ff#23) Did she return him?
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Is the guy who was all over her in the KTV session him? (not included in any ff-s, before ff#26)
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She doesn't let me in her room. (ff#18)
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Nor staying with her. (ff#24)
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She asked me to compare herself with Akasha though. (ff#14)
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She never replied that facebook message. (ff#23)
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She sometimes askED me if i miss her when i call her (ff#24~ff#2?)

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I'm not sincere enough? (ff#20)
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Am i missing out something on that day? (ff#20)
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Besides getting her phone number. (ff#21)
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She said she had this distrust on foreigners due to her so-called 'temptations'. (ff#5, ff#16)
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but ff#26 begs to differ.
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What if i waited outside her house during ff#19?
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What if i didnt chicken out during ff#17?
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What if she didnt prolong our meeting period? (ff#8)
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I should be happy with what happened. and that delay of flight. if not there wouldn't be ff#16-ff#20. or any feather fragments at all.
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what happened to the pendrive and highest hope now? (ff#16)
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i so should sleep.
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does she remember ff#17?
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Can i still carry out epic? (ff#25). seems very imappropriate.
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It might be effective. But its too impractical. Takes too long and it might hurt her.
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What if i didnt meet her at all? (ff#1)
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Does she hate me for passing the flu to her? (ff#2)
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I've gotten the best prize ever from learning how to growl/rap. (ff#3) because without that there wouldn't be ff#4.
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she asked a total stranger like me if i was single or not. (ff#1)
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Statement about secret is no longer valid (ff#16)
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what if i stayed and showed what my throat can do during ff#18?
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or rather, just mingle with them. (ff#18, again)
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I really should sleep. I didn't sleep last night.
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She happy?
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All her comments on the facebook pictures implied so.
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She is happy. Her friends are happy for her too.
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She said when SourceofEpic wanted her back he had a girlfriend already in two weeks time and she was really heartbroken about it. (ff#14)
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I only wore that boxed shirt once. (ff#14)
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When the first angel possessed me, she told me Hong Kong guys are creepy because there's one person who tried to do that to her too. And she had to run. But only to his car because he drove her. And she didn't run away from me. (ff#17)
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My first time (ff#17)
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There's only 26 ff-s. Too little for anything to happen.
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ff#17 could mean nothing to her.
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what if i noticed and answered that she wasnt on make-up during ff#20?
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Her parents remember me? (ff#10)
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What about her sister? (ff#18)
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No. No.
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Please remember me.
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and my birthday.
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Maybe she won't.
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i hate crabs. (ff#26) like how i hate alcohol.
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and gooses. (ff#26) like how i hate christmas eve.
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I would love to sleep.
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Should i still go visit? (ff#20-24)
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she didn't find out a specific date for me to go visit her. (ff#24)
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Graduate and go back together? (ff#24)
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Don't think she remember saying that.
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Together.. (ff#24)
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rather, with him. (ff#26)
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Age? (ff#5)
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Yes. (ff#14)
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Security. (ff#16)
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Ice cream.. (ff#19)
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Nah probably she didnt want to go redbox alone with me was because our genres of songs are way too different. It's like she's heaven and i'm hell. (ff#17)
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我准备就现在　乘着流星　抛开崩坏的过去 (ff#15)
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骄傲的人类 (灭), supposed to be 毁 (ff#17)
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took me two weeks to catch up that part. (ff#20)
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did she threw them away? those keychains.. (ff#20)
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Oh i should be sleeping.
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Her laughter. (ff#1,2,3,7,9,10,11,13,14,15,16,17,18,20,24)
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So little.
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Her emotional side. (ff#16)
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Her sleepy face. (ff#17)
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Her compliments. (ff#1,3,4,5,6,14,16,17,20)
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Her lousiness in playing chor dai di. (ff#7)
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And that cute expression when she thought she was gonna win. (ff#7)
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All that will be drowned out and forgotten. (after all ff-s)
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by her.
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and by me hopefully.
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really.
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as soon as possible.
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as soon as possible.
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etc.
****************ok i will not put anymore. it's annoying enough already i know**************

Don't worry, even though i couldn't sleep, my diet was still normal. Nevertheless i looked as if my spirit had left me. I went to work carrying the same look, too ignorant to bother what people would think of me. Thankfully there was work, something to distract me from those imsomnia causing thoughts. Never before i was so workaholic; never again either. My bloodshot eyes glued themselves to the computer unflinchingly and it was one of the very rare times i didnt require coffee to keep myself awake to do work even though the consecutive days of not sleeping. (fri, sat, sun)

A kindred soul, or a colleague, noticed my irregularities. She gave me a sneak peek of how she handles such issues and that made me realise how strong she was and relatively, how weak i am. Somehow i felt ashamed for overreacting. For being troubled when i wasn't supposed to. As she couldn't stand seeing the zombie i was, she gave me an advice that brought senses to my corpse. It was just something that anyone could say but the impact was critical.

You can move on in one day or one week or one year or never. But provided with how she is treating you now she wouldn't give a damn. Life is too short to fully enjoy it so enjoy it while you still can. Everyone deserves better.

I saw that coming though i never saw how i would feel upon seeing that. Those words seemed so righteous. Or was it the way she executed it. Or was it the lucky one that got into me after the plenty advices i got from other friends. I didn't know. I knew i had to leave Siren in peace. All odds were against me.

If this was a battle that dying is inevitable, the least i can do is die standing.

So i decided to make that call. To declare that i'm disappearing from trying to get into her life.

*************

'I've decided to give up on visiting you in Melbourne.'

Those words left my mouth stern, loud, clear and very unwillingly. I sure hoped she didn't need me to repeat saying it because it was too contradicting to what I've said to her before this phone call, what I've told people, and what i've wanted to say. Probably surprised by such an initiation of a conversation, she took some time to digest what she heard.

"haa??"
"I think you know what i mean."

She knew. Moreover, she seemed to be relieved upon hearing what i said. I didn't know this for a fact, i merely guessed it from her reaction, which was laughter. As much as i like to hear her laugh, it was upsetting to hear it for such a moment. After she regained her composure, she reassured me of my suspicions of herself being relieved.

"wo he ni ye si mei she me la." (me and you, nothing)

Siren's actually correct. We never promised each other anything. I realised i was keeping a promise i silently made to myself but not to her. Not that i could make it anyway. I no longer have the thinking that action speaks louder than words.

"aiya, we also didn't know each other for very long.. and we went out to eat and sing K for a few times only."

An instant of all the feather fragments flowed into my mind. Yes, it was all pleasant, but it wasn't enough to lead to anything. Perhaps it wasn't never meant to lead to anything. All elements of romanticism were just from my perspective only. It takes two to tango.

"besides, you are too young for me."

I remember. I wanted to defy her principles. By being the exceptional example. But now all the silent vows i made to myself would remain in silence. Nevertheless i appreciate her being so direct. Really.

"So would you tell me who the guy is now?"
"Some guy from my music school. A pianist. How tall are you? Around 180cm right? Almost as tall as you. Known him for more than three years. One year older than us."

Oh. I was this arrogant peacock that have yet to meet a phoenix. Just when i thought i should be proud of those magnificently iridescent feathers of mine, the phoenix prevailed its superiority of feathers by leaving a longer trail of more colorful and sparkling fragments, putting me to shame for thinking so highly of myself before. Or maybe he was just an average peacock while i was only an average pigeon, unrecognized among the many pigeons who approached her.

"He's quite good looking."
"YA MIEH? ok ok only la. Not as good looking as you think la."

Well, i wasn't sure how good looking Siren thought he was, but she seemed to be very concerned and excited when this topic was brought up, and this confirmed who the peacock is and who the pigeon is.

"So would you answer me now if i ask you if you like him?"
"At this moment.. i don't really know how to tell you yet. Getting there i guess.."

Hmmm. Yeah. Good answer. Logic was the right one all the while.

"I didn't sleep the last few days.."
"Haha, your joking, right? I don't believe you."

Right. What was the difference even if Siren believed me? Wouldn't change the fact that i didn't sleep. Neither would it change the fact that she didn't bother.

"Fine if you don't believe me."
"Hmmm... keke.. we also didn't have the advantages of time and space.. Relationships aren't that simple. You have never experienced one so maybe its hard for you to understand. Timing plays an important factor. When we met i was just holiday-ing in Penang. You knew i was going back to Australia."
"Haha... i'm like a kid who have never tasted candy."

It implied that i would cry like one when i thought i almost had a taste and then i didn't.

"You're still small la. You'll understand better once you are in a relationship. When i go out with a particular person and when both parties are single and available, considerations about the other party come to mind. Further considerations and meetings will be made if the person has positive or suitable traits." (translation errors, i doubt the meaning stayed the same but i tried my best to maintain the same meaning.)

I needed a saving grace. I wasn't rational.

"Ever considered me?"

Siren's statement before my question indirectly answered my question. Or maybe she didnt mean to and i was just thinking too much. Maybe she already knew i was. It took her a few long seconds to reply me. Perhaps she was trying to keep the damage at minimum.

"bu yao hui da ni, bu yao ge ni wu si luan xiang" (not answering you. Don't want you to think too much)

It didn't stop me from thinking too much. As a matter of a fact, whatever she answered wouldn't stop me from thinking too much. It would be too mean for her to say she never considered me. On the other hand, she might be afraid to give me false hope if she said she did. Furthermore, even if she did, she wouldn't change herself for someone as insignificant as me. To be honest but bias, it felt like she did consider. The way she said it. The way i saw it. Let me know it as the way i wanted it to be. Nonetheless, it did stop me from inquiring further.

We moved on to discuss about our perspectives towards relationships. Our conversation was abruptly ceased when my parents summoned me for dinner.

I could finally sleep that night.

*************************

Siren's facebook relationship status changed during May the 16th. *EDIT*