If Only

if only he had let me fetch him
if only he went instead of sleeping at home
if only he didnt correct me when i say its one way street OUT from penang road
if only he told me no, but its near there
if only he didnt mention upr or the road arcs
if only the handsfree is louder
if only the phone loudspeaker is louder
if only i have some self confidence
if only i do not need to rely on people
..
blaming. Pointing fingers. Stop that.
but i wasnt issued a ticket
black fat cop did requested to look at my driving license
am i supposed to sign anything? i didnt.

mine, died, and i dont know why
i made yours died too and i dont know why
its stupid to feel this way
im innocent
why do i feel guilty
and when i thought its ok since the interest died, it happened again
im not following
im too pissed to follow
why do i have to pay for things that's not my fault?
i said i would and im told no need for awhile and then now?
maybe not the right timing.
im pissed at the moment.
sorry for not replying

fuck you for taking advantage
how could you forget when you just did it
but why am i letting you
maybe im too lonely that i dont mind being taken advantage for extra social behaviour
but then i have to know the fact that i can give
just that those that i wanna give to doesnt want to take
and still i have to give

and i thought the awkwardness cooled down.
why cant i follow to buy things?
excuses.
at least im not expecting so much now

my right hand and legs are growing red jellyish spots that slightly itches and slightly hurts upon contact.
i look like im diabetic
my cough has not stopped for three weeks
my inner right jaw or gum pains when i open my mouth too wide
my new phone keeps having bugs that im wondering if its a prototype product.

WHAT THE HELL DID I DO WRONG TO DESERVE ALL OF THESE?
its gonna be better tomorrow.