B-blues

is she gonna wish me?
no, she forgotten my previous one

is she gonna wish me?
oh she's gonna do so

is she gonna wish me?
oh wait she never even bothered to know

come think of it, neither matters anymore
im turning 22
*frowns*

i dont wanna be abused anymore. i shall stand up for myself. and i did. and so i'm feeling a helluva weird feeling mixed with guilt and pride. correct me all u want but its what i really felt. maybe he'll change his perceptive or me or not. even though life's not fair, its never wrong to attempt to make it fair.

reality struck me again. maybe i wont be like this if i shared the same lifestyle as him. or maybe i wont even choose to. happiness can be met in various ways. guess i've found some but not totally. or maybe its just my personality to complain.
*frowns again*

i so am gonna turn into a 40 year-old-virgin!!

*slaps self and goes to sleep.

loneliness overdose

When you know your picture is gonna be taken, you smile. When you are introduced to new people, you smile. When you listen to a cold joke said by some not-so-close friends, you have to force a smile too. When life is happy, you smile gleefully. Sociable people can differentiate real smiles from fake smiles. Good actors can smile anytime anywhere so much that the action is doubted by narrow minded characters. Maybe they are really happy just the way it is. How can i achieve this happiness?

I never was a good actor. My expressions tell people more than my words about my intentions. Sometimes i feel like i suck so much at lying that i must well tell the truth and face the consequences earlier. But no, don't get me wrong. i'm not totaly an honest person. It's just that i never lie about anything major for signicifant reasons. or maybe i did about what i feel. i dont know. You can ask me a question today and u get an answer. Moments later, another person might inquire about the same question and i'll get another answer. Things around you change that influences me to alter my choice. However, i firmly believe that this happens to everyone too.

am single from birth till now. tried but failed. maybe my effort wasnt enough. maybe my methods are wrong. i think n talk about it alot but seems like the actions i've taken is inversely proportional to all my think-n-talking. sometimes i wonder if i missed a few buses. but its kinda disrespectful to the 'buses' to think like that. I say this based only on the expressions and way of talking which are only considered 'suspicious', not obvious. I'm told that, to success, you have to properly hide your 'pursuing intentions'. Since i've never had any luck at this, is it safe to say that im showing my 'intentions' too much? People i've 'tried' to talk to werent as authentic than the people i 'try' to talk to. maybe they think im desperate. maybe i am. and it doesnt help at all. sigh.

i might or might not play wow again. i hate the life resulted from commiting to that game. it doesn't make me know what to say to people, where even now i'm having problems with that. months ago, when anyone ask me to play, i would strongly refuse. am i influenced now? am i blaming being single for the rest of my life on it so i dont wan to play? do i disrespect if i dont play because its given as a gift? thinking back 2 years, i almost didnt treasure gifts given upon me. it's kinda shameful to mention around the topic of the gift to the person who gave the gift. But we have the right to choose right? and to all question stated above, i dont have a specific answer to any of them.

grass is always greener on the other side. but people around me are granted better things in life and are still complaining.
damn'em all.
and sorry too.

shirokuyon goyonreehachi

am so reluctant to give up the number.
am so lazy to sms everyone to tell them that i've new number
..

have i really let go?
i know
any new number wont deserve the position
even if it is no longer anything
even if it is nothing to you
its something that i've treasured.

oh well. move on.

Help.

i think i landed.
life's been so dull.
im running out of things to say to anyone.
im getting fatter and fatter

so many things seem so high up on the sky
as if it is unreachable
shall i shoot the moon or just go with the flow that i usually do?
things arent the way they were before
i'm no go-getter
would i be able do change for the better?
c'mon, i'm already working.

blah.
it's not like i'm so happy with my job.
neither am i happy with anything else
being the opposite of materialistic is boring and bore-inducing
hope i can make someone (i wish there's a specific one) happy to make myself happy.

crap. symptoms of the imaginary beau.