loneliness overdose

When you know your picture is gonna be taken, you smile. When you are introduced to new people, you smile. When you listen to a cold joke said by some not-so-close friends, you have to force a smile too. When life is happy, you smile gleefully. Sociable people can differentiate real smiles from fake smiles. Good actors can smile anytime anywhere so much that the action is doubted by narrow minded characters. Maybe they are really happy just the way it is. How can i achieve this happiness?

I never was a good actor. My expressions tell people more than my words about my intentions. Sometimes i feel like i suck so much at lying that i must well tell the truth and face the consequences earlier. But no, don't get me wrong. i'm not totaly an honest person. It's just that i never lie about anything major for signicifant reasons. or maybe i did about what i feel. i dont know. You can ask me a question today and u get an answer. Moments later, another person might inquire about the same question and i'll get another answer. Things around you change that influences me to alter my choice. However, i firmly believe that this happens to everyone too.

am single from birth till now. tried but failed. maybe my effort wasnt enough. maybe my methods are wrong. i think n talk about it alot but seems like the actions i've taken is inversely proportional to all my think-n-talking. sometimes i wonder if i missed a few buses. but its kinda disrespectful to the 'buses' to think like that. I say this based only on the expressions and way of talking which are only considered 'suspicious', not obvious. I'm told that, to success, you have to properly hide your 'pursuing intentions'. Since i've never had any luck at this, is it safe to say that im showing my 'intentions' too much? People i've 'tried' to talk to werent as authentic than the people i 'try' to talk to. maybe they think im desperate. maybe i am. and it doesnt help at all. sigh.

i might or might not play wow again. i hate the life resulted from commiting to that game. it doesn't make me know what to say to people, where even now i'm having problems with that. months ago, when anyone ask me to play, i would strongly refuse. am i influenced now? am i blaming being single for the rest of my life on it so i dont wan to play? do i disrespect if i dont play because its given as a gift? thinking back 2 years, i almost didnt treasure gifts given upon me. it's kinda shameful to mention around the topic of the gift to the person who gave the gift. But we have the right to choose right? and to all question stated above, i dont have a specific answer to any of them.

grass is always greener on the other side. but people around me are granted better things in life and are still complaining.
damn'em all.
and sorry too.