feather fragments # 17: angels

Saturday. Siren day. Wished that i could make that everyday but my schedule didnt allow it. Back then, i could ask her out and she agreed without questioning me where to go or what to do like she did during goodnightandsweetdreams. Ha, i'm so good at making something out of nothing that misleads myself to no end.

The top at 13:February. Jeans. Usual make up. Usual lateness in coming out. Mom cooked some soup for her. Neither of us had anywhere in mind to go to. Well, for horny reasons i suddenly became adventurous and thought of bringing her to go around Penang Island although i do not know the exact route to go around it. Furthermore, my sense of direction is notorious of prolonging travel times to specific locations that i barely know of. Or maybe i was hoping that we could get lost together so there's something extraordinary happening to us that we could remember. Shhhh...

Siren talked about this friend of hers whom i knew of her existence due to NationalService. Indeed a small world, but it wasn't that surprising because this friend of hers sings so well i saw a full page writing about her singing in the newspapers. Spontaneously Siren missed her to the extent she called her and talked, from Island Plaza to the middle of the road after Batu Feringghi before Teluk Bahang. That was around 20 minutes. That made me think that Siren would take the initiative to call someone, just to talk. But it was never me. But the person she called was a girl. Hmm.

It was like 3-4pm when she ended her call and it was only then she told me she havent had her lunch. Upon hearing that, i slapped myself silly for not being caring enough to ask if she had had her lunch or not and squealed like an eunuch. She laughed and told me that i was cute for making that noise and i actually bought it because of the poison from typical rarity were still lingering in my veins. So we made a three point turn. Thinking that she would probably bored with Gurney and Queensbay being too far, i suggested that we go to Prangin although it's a bit dodgy. She shook her head. Even though she was hungry, she kind of forgotten it and suggested that we go to Fung's college just to look see. I protested, reasoning that nobody would be there since it was saturday afternoon. Disagreement. Crap. Then she suggested Gurney and i became fickle-minded and agreed. And let her drove my car. Or forced her to. Or taunted her to. Whatever.

She drove like she was having driving lessons. Slow and steady wins the race, right? Moreover, there was only one lane at where we were. The car was travelling in such a slow speed that a number of vehicles were literally queueing behind us. Not surprisingly, the driver behind us lost his patience and horned but she acted like nothing happened and continued driving at the same snail-like speed. Somewhere in the middle of the journey she told me she drove with both legs, with the right on the pedal and the left on brakes. It cracked me up. What goes around comes around; I told her that she was cute the way she told me i was. Nonetheless i like that kind of honesty; that she wasnt ashamed of letting me know her weakness. A number of cars sped pass us when they had the chance and glared into my car expecting to see an old lady but i think the sight of me and Siren laughing at each other further frustrated them. Her ignorance reminds me of myself... when i sing.

We finally managed to reach gurney. More opportunities for me to tease her, because she didn't dared to drive up that spiralling car park. We had to change seats in front of the ticket dispenser. Memorabily embarassing. I wonder if she hated me secretly already.

******

We made a stop at some random chinese restaurant in gurney for Siren to have her lunch.

'you know, sometimes you gotta guess what girls really want. Sometimes they can say one and mean another.'
'ha? i usually take words literally. i'm really bad at guessing.'
'qi si bu yao jing de la.'(actually, nevermind)

Somehow she looked like she grinned. Somehow she looked like she forced a facade-smile. Or a mixture of both. Sometimes i wished i was psychic. Anyhow i should be thankful that i wasnt blind because i could see that she was looking at me while saying that, all the while.

'well i usually meant everything i say. Brutal honesty. No return favors?'
'girls are like that. you have to really good at guessing. you would know if you in a relationship. i can't really specifically tell you how. learn from experience.'
'aw. i have zero experience. now you believe that i wasn't in a relationship before?'
'haha you really suck at guessing that sometimes. but that's ok keke.'

I wondered if the girls she mentioned include herself. Judging from now, i felt she meant almost every girl. I hated her nevermind though. So misleading. Maybe it was already a test of guess itself. Her expressions didnt really justify that the nevermind was a test. Or maybe it could just be a generalization statement. An advice for me in the future.

'Why do you always laugh?'
'Erm. Sometimes i don't really know what to say so i do it to prevent awkwardness.'
'Haaa? Meaning you were/are always awkward with me?'

I don't remember what she replied but I remembered finding myself in questions. We kept talking while we finished her food and started to walk around the mall. We would stumble at different shops and she would ask me which cloth/shoe/spec/etc is nicer. In response, i would always take some time to think and tell her an answer and asked about hers and she would ocassionally reply. I wonder if that kind of reaction is the best for her. By this happening, it answered my question-about-being-awkward-with-me by 30%, favoring my desire. Then i confirmed the next 70% when she told me,

'i tell you la, you will always have something to reply me to whatever i say.'
'huh? it's that a compliment for me being good at talking or an insult that i'm annoying?'
'SEE! like now. then i will have something to say back and you will have something to reply.'
'you talk a lot too. thankfully.'

Acting as if i'm a qualified counsellor, i lectured her of my theory of ratio and balance of conversational skills. If you were wondering why, it was just to keep the conversation going because i'M not so much of a good talker myself. Failed hard though. It only got her to say,

'oh got like that want ar?'

Then she saw a banner of this lamecrap-kungfuchef-style-chinese movie and wanted to watch it. I knew i was horny because i agreed without feeling reluctant because i usually would feel so given all the circumstances are similiar with a different person.

******

Finished the movie. We were walking around the place wondering where to eat as we weren't that hungry but still feel like doing something with each other. (i think) Aimlessly we hopped into my antennea-less car and wandered around the area without a specific destination. Maybe it was the silence. Maybe the mood was right. Or maybe she wanted to impress me haha. She replaced the car radio with her voice. She started humming almost silently and gradually she felt more and more comfortable to amplify her voice. Additionally, she was acting as the DJ/emcee to her one audience concert. She started with some tune from Italy. She didnt tell me the title or the artist of the song though. Not that i can remember it anyway. She told me about Italy's superiority in classical singing. Next on the playlist was some song from Germany. Well, i dont have any musical backgroud to write about the details. I listened in awe even though i was never interested in that genre. My heart reduced into a puddle of mud and the solvent of mud and heart itched all of my internal organs upon contact. Consequently, irrationality kicked in.

Effects of irrationality are usually bad. Siren did a part where she hit a high note and that got my irrationality to say,

'woah. if i weren't driving i would have already hugged you'

Hearing that, she just slided her eyeballs towards me momentarily and reverted back to the original position. And continued singing. Ignorance of perverts is bliss.

After that, she would tell me how sopranos usually warm up before practices or performances. Usually they travel through every note they can reach in quick sucession as to smoothen the change of notes for later. (????) Then they would stretch their voices like athletes stretch their body parts that they were gonna use. (????) Then she would tell me how unsuitable is she to sing usual pop songs because the techniques are different. Coupled with examples of herself trying to sing pop-style, and then classical-style of the same song. It did sound a bit weird of her singing pop but i am too shallow to judge about anything. It sounded good to me, though. Honestly, i enjoyed that treatment of hers. She knew i know nuts about music and nonetheless she was patient enough to explain bit by bit. I was hooked, even it was only to listen.

(????) - ( i remembered from my mere memory, true facts may differ)

Planned to stop at Sunset Bistro. Neither of us are good at directions. The only lead was that it was close to the Gardens. So i parked my car somewhere near there and we wandered around the area, hoping that luck would bring us to the place. But good luck had brought ME to the wrong place. We were clueless about where to go and was approaching this very eerily creepy dark deserted area. It felt wrong, but it felt right to give her some sense of physical security. As if the devil had possessed me, it brought my hand to her shoulder, again, and landed like a novice pilot on a safe spot. This time, it wasn't a re-direction. This time, it had more grip than the previous 'landing' attempts. This time, like a demon acting innonent, i said,

'this was my first time.'

Yeah you can argue with me. First time what? that i was this obvious and that i wasn't pushed away. To her, maybe it was just to give onlookers an impression of protection. We walked closer to the forbidden zone and mutually thought that Sunset Bistro doesn't attract customers by reenacting a horror movie scene. We turned around with our postures maintained. It lasted so much longer albeit it was still VERY SHORT LITERALLY. (around 10-15 secs) But it came with a special prize. For a moment i thought a ghost touched on the open side of my shoulder. Logic catched up to me in split seconds. It wasn't a ghost. It was Siren's hand.

It felt like an angel had possessed me now, replacing the devil. I felt like i grew two imaginary wings. I defined euphoria. That lasted 4-5 seconds.

We stumbled across this human obstacle who was in our way and had to let go of each other. (although we could just move a slightly longer way without letting go) I no longer define euphoria. Nevertheless the essence of the angel stayed in me, regenerating me with non-existant spark of hope with the memories of what happened. But that was, truthfully, a first time, of a positive(?) reaction, as for me.

tbc..
******
We shared a plate of seafood platter. Non-alcoholic pina colada and cranberry juice. Favourite celebrities and movies. She narrated her favourite movie to me. Starred Leslie Cheung. She said maybe she was too young and gullible during the time she watched the show, she was extremely impressed by the show that she remembered it till today. It goes.'

LeslieC and somegirl work together as operatic singers. they have mutual feelings for each other. However, somegirl was forcefully married to somerichass. Somegirl still loved LC, raising the jealousy of somerichass. This caused somerichass to mistreat somegirl so badly she faked her insanity. She lost her job while LC continued his career.

A fire broke out and the theatre was razed in portions. LC was thought to be caught in the fire and was assumed dead. Little did the public know that he survived, but with a face so mutilated he wouldn't dared to present his physical appearance. He still dwells secret somewhere in theatre. Yea very much like Phantom of the Opera, chinese style.

Somegirl thought LC was dead. Somerichass ditched her and she became somewhat a wandering beggar. Insane.

Theatre was refurnished and new talents are sought out. There's one who was a standout amongst other newer singers. Standouttalent covered LC's songs but he was nowhere as good as LC. Every time there was a performance, and there would be this mysterious voice coming from nowhere to teach standouttalent something useful while handling the song or to calm him down when he felt pressured. It's obvious that it was LC who was responsible for the unexpected aids.

One day standouttalent had to do this song of LC where there's a part he could never master. Somehow somegirl was around to witness the performance. When standouttalent reached his failed part, LC somehow sang his parts for him to perfection. The audience gave a standing ovation, not knowing the truth. Somegirl was the only person who recognized the voice and found out about him.

and i dont remember the ending. Crap. Anyhow she told me that she slightly altered the version to gain my attention. I guess i pass as a listener huh? Oh and she never told me the title of the movie too. Or that i dont remember it happening.

We talked, talked and there was this fiasco of an Caucasian with the bartender. His pronounciation sucks, he was mouthing profanities and reasons but the only words i heard clearly was 'fucking' and 'gimme my beer' while the rest, i couldnt comprehend. That ruined our talking atmosphere. Fearing that a bar fight might occur, we left the place.

'i always feel like i talked so much more than you. Is that okay that i talk so much?'
'HUH? i felt we both covered 50-50. But you know what? Talking to you needs warming up. I usually start conversation and you will reply at minimum. Then when i hit the right thing you will transform into a chatterbox.'
'really? i still felt i talked more. haha.'

It was heartwarming to hear. From that, i deduced that she was comfortable talking to me, or at least. I thought of her previous silences and couldn't help feeling that i had achieved something. Siren opening up.

'you are the first guy whom i got so close to in such a short peroid of time. In like.. two months.'

Ha. We didnt even meet much during January. She delayed the meeting time so much longer. I wonder what would happen if she didnt delay, and why she delayed. But i guess i should keep those questions to myself. Nevertheless i was absolutely glad to hear that from her. Now i felt like a second angel possessed me. I have two pairs of wings now. It got me to the right mood to dance to sunshines and rainbows at night.

'ha? really? How long did you take to be close to a previous person?'
'four months, at least, as i can remember. I don't know if i came back here and became more friendly or what. Or maybe i myself become more friendly. haha.'

Again, I thought to myself about her ignorance or one-word-replies to me during featherfragments 1-8, contradicting to what she said about herself just now. Looking from another perspective, it was an effective catalyst to happiness because it reminded me of how good was i in conversing with her. In the process i let my guard down and let one of the seven sins, pride, to take over me. With great confidence and no solid truths to support what i said, this came out.

'Maybe we see things from the same perspective. No doubt we have different interests, but i felt we have the same approach when we encounter something. Our thoughts are built on the same basis, its just that our distinct environment that makes us look different.

I wondered if what i said did justice because she wasn't spontaneous in replying. Wasn't looking at me either. Digesting what i said i guess. I didnt bother and moved on to a next question. It felt too good when you have two angels in you, celebrating an unexplainable joy as if both of them were carrying you around the world to explore its wonders.

tbc..
*******
The next question was,

'do you think i'm matured enough?'

People who knew me well already added a 'for you' behind the question. If i didn't mention the word 'enough' in that question, it wouldn't be any clue that i was asking if i was matured enough for her.

'yeah. in fact i think you are more matured than me. you have your way of seeing things. i'm still nonchalant about certain things although i knew of its importance. Plus, you are working already.'
'you cant really label a person matured just because he/she's working. I'm not so sure about my maturity yet frankly.'

Well, i was pretty sure her reply to my question soothed me. I wonder if i believed her just because it was something i wanted to hear. If it was, at least i wasn't lying to myself like i always do, she did.

'Do tell me, how is it like to work? I know there are differences between working and studying. But i've only experience one. Is adapting hard?'
'I didn't quite like it. Nor hate it. Most of my friends are (some were now) still studying and somehow part of me refusing to accept that i'm working. I have to admit i'm not so diligent at work, yet, or never yet, because of that i-dont-wanna-grow-up-mentality. Nevertheless i believe i will change for the better as in to take up more responsiblities in life. Now i no longer take pocket money from my parents. Moreover i return them a small sum of cash on a monthly basis. I knew they dont really need it but they just wanted to see how filial i am to them.'

I hoped that impressed her. All in a sudden both of us were serious and talking about life matters. Then we laugh at each other's lame jokes which i don't think would be funny to other listeners. I saw another slight advancement when she asked.

'What kind of girls would you go for?'

No laughter. No signs of trying to hold a laughter. Not like the gossip-happy-fairy-face she gave me a week ago. (ff14)

'matured and independent ones. with a personality. Not the spoilt princess kind.'
'i think i can be independent. I think i gave you the impression that i'm the pampered kind because i'm here with my family which treats me good. But if you were to put me in a situation where i have to fight for everything by myself, i feel that i'm capable of handling it.'

Out of nowhere i sensed the presence of a heavenly being. He was cheerful, but i saw through his eyes that he was lonely. In hopes to end his misery, he approached with an offer of companionship and promised the more the merrier. The original two imaginary angels in me were so charmed that they accepted without questions. Three pairs of wings. Who needs jet engines to fly.

Why did she say that after i told her of my preference of girls? I'll pay you $50 if you can convince me with some eligible reason that she was just being random. For her certainty assurance, i varied the questions about her declaration about herself and she answered with ease and confidence. The three pair of wings were getting more synchronized.

It was a few minutes after midnight. One of us came out with an seemingly awful idea that both of us agreed on which was to go for ice cream. Angelic whispers told me we weren't going for ice cream for the ice cream. Normal people shun ice cream at times like these, and BaskinRobins and HaagenDaaz are smart enough not to waste resources by extending their business hours to accomodate crazy cou/people like us. So where could we go? 12++ was too late for a geek to juice out ideal date venues.

Enlightenment was upon me as i came up with the idea of visiting her home studio. My angels had persuaded her spiritually to think that was a good idea. But first, Siren had to call her sister (who was then alone in the house) to ask permission or inform her sister about Siren bringing a pervert into their house. Surprisingly, angels work through phones too. Permission granted.

Yes, i was very sure it was only me, that i heard this sirenly acappella of three that was breathtakingly fabulous. The three angels had such good chemistry, it took them only a short while to sync with each other to carry out such a perfection. Ironically it's sad, sometimes to think of it, or more optimistically to suspect, that i was the only one who could truly embrace this virtual ear candy.

tbc
*****
The chorus rang loud and proud. Just when i thought it couldn't be any better, a fourth voice resonated with the original three. It began faintly, and the closer i was to her house the clearer the sound became. As i allowed myself into her living room, it was apparent where the mezzo vocal was sourced from. Another angel was resting on a lineup of roses placed in the living room. A selfish angel though, she sucked all the life from all the roses and rendered herself more lively. Well, it metaphorically meant that all the roses received during Valentine's were trophied there even though they were withered and black (it was one week aft valentines). As arrogant as a peacock, the selfish angel came into me without second thought as if i had already offered myself to be possessed. The three angels welcomed her in open arms and together, they continued the song so delightfully that happy-mood-Christmas songs are no match to it in terms of happiness.

'they were all given by my sister's fiance.'
'nobody give you mieh?'

Rhetorical question. Purposed to remind her of my intentions although i knew she didn't have amnesia. My expressions were too cheeky to let her down with that question though. Siren continued to open the studio door and answered,

'aiyo. somebody here gave me and dont remember mieh?'

I heard the 'here'. (im not sure about the word 'here', but she did say something that obviously hinted that it was me) But there might be the possiblity of someone else who gave her roses too. Maybe i wanted to know. Or maybe i just wanted to hear her say it.

'whooo?'
'youuu la. chis.'

I sniggered to myself as if i was spastic. The bridge of the imaginary song started. The moment was beyond heaven-like when i saw that she wasnt annoyed by these stupid questions and had almost the same expressions as me.

She readied the room and went to her kitchen to prepare honey. I wandered around that soundproof room checking on her families' possesions. After serving the drinks she chose a teresateng song and sang it repetitively for around half an hour. During intervals when there were no vocals she would ask me regarding her singing or how was the song. Just when i thought she wasn't satisfied asking the same kind of questions, this came,

'do you think i am fat?'

Examining the mirror, she tried to look the least fat she could by standing as straight as possible. She would look better if she were slightly slimmer although i'm already satisfied with her current (then) body size. Honest. So i answered her from the bottom of my heart.

'just nice.'(gang gang hao la)
'hmmp. you're only saying things i want to hear.'

My problem was that i took her words for granted. I never knew she was glad to hear that. You'll see later. Nevertheless, the fact that she asked me such a question, mysteriously, satisfies me. Yes, that is another one of my problems.

Then she forced me to sing something. I thought it was impossible to find a song that i learnt before, in her playlist of songs. Thank angels i was wrong. The first and last rap she would hear me do - zhi zhan zhi shang. For vengeance, i asked the same question she asked me after i performed.

'you have your own style. you have more clarity than the original one.'

F.I.R saved my life again. I spotted woyaofei and womendeai on the same disc and dueted those songs with her. Optimisically, I hoped she enjoyed it back then because it aint fair; i got to listen to her while she had to listen to me. I didn't realise guilunmei was in womendeai's MV. Failed pervert. One of my angels withered away and dissipated without my knowledge.

I went to the washroom and then she suggested we watched DVD instead. Secret. Well, secret featuring guilunmei. I pretended to compare her with the actress just so i could look at her more and she would smile when i did that. She wanted to show me this duel of the pianists and the fact that i didnt know piano secretly took away another of my angels. She said that was the best scene of the movie and felt like switching to another movie when it was over.

'Am i fat? What say you?'

Hm. Not a totally positive response from the previous reaction. Plus, i'm a little bit of boschbell too. I was slightly agitated by the same question and said something that killed another angel.

'hana hana fat la fat la.'

She looked into the mirror again. Silence. Somehow you're just telling me things i wanted to hear was nicer to hear. Silence wasn't golden.

There was a single seat sofa only in the room. She gave me the option to treat her nicely and sacrifice myself or vice versa. So i had to sit on the floor. She pitied me and went upstairs to fetch her (or not hers) bolster for me for comfort. Rejuvenation. One of the fallen angels was resurrected. I know i'm horny.

I know i'm hornier because i was leaning on the sofa that she was sitting on. Well, not really sitting on, more like lazing on. Her legs and head were positioned on the sides rather than the usual ergonormical position. No skin contact. But hair contact. I didnt really recall what which highschoolmusical she was showing, i just knew that she didn't know how to turn off the dual dubbed mode of the show and we had to listen to two languages spoken overlapping each other at the same time.

Mysteriously she tilted her head further away from me. Hair contact no more. My heart sank six feet underground and one of the angels was about to leave me again. For the few seconds i thought the angel was no more, she repositioned her head back to range of hair contact, although it wasnt as close. I savoured. I imagined my arms wrapped around her. My left waist pained all the while because the posture of leaning was too one-sided. Nevertheless the ecstatic sensation compensated for the tiny sacrifice. My angels were certified perverts.

Seeking for more leads, i jerked my head to her line of sight. My heart raced like a deer being pursued by a lion on steriods. Then i saw. That her eyelids are struggling to keep her eyes open. And it opened mine as if the lion drove its claw into my neck, incapacitating me. I wasn't sure if it was a dream or i was dead, because i saw a white blinding flash for a few miliseconds, and then four disciplinary devils materialised, cornering me in four angles. They outnumbered the remaining two angels, and each of the devils stared at me, stern and cold.

They recited an incantation. They were comprehensible and logic, but all jumbled up in random order. It caused the angels to shiver in fear.

She's sleepy. If i were to hug her i feel like i'm taking advantage of her. We were only had a few dates. Maybe if we had more dates i would've hugged her. Or maybe she would look me in the eye when i look at her when we were so close, and being lost in each other for awhile, then i would do that. Or maybe she would ditch her chair and come accompany me on the ground, then i would do that. Or maybe i could do that anyway with all the circumstances that happened. Just that i chickened out.

I came back to my senses. Looked at the time. 230++ am. We hung out for almost twelve hours. It was no wonder she was fatigued. So I suggested that she get some sleep. I wondered if the angels and devils exist. But I knew i chickened out. I wonder if it was the right thing to do. To not do. However, the sad ironic thing is that, i remembered going home, happy. As in really, really, happy.

(This part is so hard to write looking at the irony of the situation now wtf)

tbc..

p.s. : ff17 ends here.