feather fragments # 18: mandate

22nd February 2009. Toby called. Told me that Siren had some problems with her internet connection and told me to check for her. I wondered why she didn't go through me directly. Didnt last long though, she called moments later to ask for help. I wasn't exactly free at the moment she requested help but i made myself available in 30 minutes time after some discussion with my parents. Sadly by that time she wasn't free herself. Her choir friends accompanied her to shop for the trip to return to Melbourne.

So we agreed to meet at her house at night. She sent me another message that you can label it misleading but it amused me to no end.

'hope can see you later tonight to fix my internet.'

Yeah that totally sounded normal. Maybe if i didn't had this intense crush on her i would just reply 'ok' without giving it much analysis. Or maybe i wouldn't reply. But this is Siren. It tickles me to see the 'hope-can-see-you-later' , in a positive manner. If she rephrased the sentence to only a simple 'see-you-later' it wouldn't be this itchy because it would just sound like a formality. Ah, this paragraph is bullcrap but this was how my poisoned heart danced to my corrupted mind.

********
Fetched her from gurney to her house. Her friends would be visiting the house some time later too.

So we were in her house again. She went upstairs. I almost followed. For no reason, or to make myself look less perverted and more gentleman, i asked,

'hmmm you let me enter your room?'

Her expressions looked like she left her house and she forgotten to bring her handphone. She turned around and paralyzed for a few seconds that seemed like the few seconds contestants of who-wants-to-be-a-millionaire getting to know if their selected answers are correct, as for me.

'ermm.. no. my room very messy.'

It was very confusing because she shook her head and was smiling and the same time. It was more confusing than very-confusing that i kept calling myself a pervert because i complied to her request. Nonetheless I persisted, with little effort of being less a gentleman.

'but i want to see your room. i dont mind if it's messy.'
'paiseh la its really messy. i take my laptop down har you stay here.'

To feel good about myself, i brainwashed myself to think that being obedient to her requests might earn me some bonus points. To feel better about myself, i felt like piercing myself with thaipusam needles on my mouth so i don't act noble and ask stupid questions like do-you-let-me-enter-your-room in the future. I stood there alone recalling on what happened yesterday and pondered if my 'no-action's caused this.

'dont come up weii!'

She changed to her PJ-s and came down with the laptop. No wonder. We both sat at the ground of her living room. The lineup of the dead roses were still there. I recognized mine and never thought that seeing dead roses were that beautiful before. Acting like a computer nerd, i studied her computer settings to her wireless and it seemed perfectly normal, just that there were no packets received at all. But i didn't really know what to do.

It felt like a mandate that her computer problems were just a coincidence to let us meet each other again. This was because the only thing i did was right click on her wireless icon, and select 'repair' and it... worked. Maybe the fallen angels yesterday felt bad and came back and aided me in this as a consolation prize. Honestly i told her that i didnt really knew what did i do to make it work and she replied that she totally understood how i felt because it happened to her before when her sister's comp had similar problems. For horny reasons, i playfully choked her and she seemed to struggle with little effort by retracting her shoulders which made withdrawing my hand harder. She knew that she teased me and laughed at minimal. I let go of my hand and retreated it to somewhere close enough to settle down for another attack.

Now i no longer had a valid reason to be there. But i was still there. Siren seemed to adore me as her audience. When the connection was up, she suggested that she sing to some songs from youtube-i dont know the title nor the artist (marthamcbride). She even brought down speakers because the sound from the laptop speaker couldnt cope with her voice.

Then she would show me different kinds of opera acts. Then Vitas. Then some chinese oldman that could go super high pitch. But she thinks he's annoying. Then Vitas again, on Ave Maria. And commented his version was not good enough. And also he sang with his eyes closed. Then Sumi Jo on the same song. And complimented on her ease on breathing and technique which i couldnt tell and why did i remember till now also i dont know. Then some kid who sang Queen of the Night and commented that his singing method which was unhealthy, long term. Then she would link to another billy? something kid who sang what about us. It felt like a one way communication so i forced myself to think of something worth showing her. But i knew nothing! I needed something extraordinary.

The thought of an angel, Gabriel helped again. At that time he recently linked a korean kid aged around 9-10 playing really good guitar in his blog. So that was the something i came up with in hopes returning the favor. She remained neutral, not too fascinated nor too disappointed. Maybe it wasnt extraordinary enough.

Some time in between she turned to me. Looked at me. Our distance each other was within electrostatic range. I was caught off guard with what i assumed, a test of guess question. The recurring one.

'you feel that i'm fat or not?'

I knew the previous reaction of mine to that question failed. My mind went into a chaotic storm and empathy came out of the rumble of the nerves. I returned her stare, and stated the worst possible answer.

'have you seen my tummy?'

It wasn't only silence, she looked away. It felt like missing the bus because you were only a few seconds late. What was more was you ran for the bus but buses werent invented to travel slower than usual human running speed so you wouldnt catch up to it by any normal means. Disappointments are good teachers though. Now i know what not to answer upon hearing that question.

The next and last thing i showed her was archenemy. ArchEnemy is a female-fronted metal band where the vocalist literally growled. Her expressions seemed different now. I thought she might be disgusted, but she actually extended her head nearer to the monitor. She laughingly commented that her voice would crack in no time and took control of the mouse i was holding to search for a clip about her usual talking voice to prove herself correct. Unexpectedly, what she clicked was a clip on an interview, or a lesson about growling. What was more was that the teacher's a female. It kinda felt good in an evil way for awhile.

However that didn't last long. She started to make ju-on sounds in hopes of imitating it! I was guilty as hell as growling would damage a singer's throat to make smooth voices even if the growl technique is correct. I know that for a fact.

Suddenly, her friends reached her house in such a wrong time. One of them is even her singing teacher! Siren went missing for the guests and the teacher sat on the sofa, behind the ground where i was sitting. I turned around and smiled but she looked so moody as if she just quarreled with her husband. She's no medusa but a slight glance at her petrified me. I escaped into a what seemed safer zone and pretended i was actually petrified, hoping that she wouldn't cast her mighty stone gaze on me. In order to not provoke the wrath of the classical singing people, my swift hands closed the tabs on the demon impersonators before leaving the hazardous area.

For a moment i felt relieved. Siren showed them the version of Ave Maria from Vitas because it was showing on the highlighted page. My peace from guilt didn't last long though, Siren herself told them that this idiot over there (me) found something interesting that she wanted to show them, much to my horror.

I dont want to ruin Siren's voice. Or i dont want to known as the one who did. As cowardly as i was, i ran. Well, not really, i took my leave. It was 1130 and i had to work tomorrow and all that were just excuses.

(Oh, i didnt recall exactly when,but she asked me to fetch her to the airport on Wednesday. Hurray! I mean it.) (for continuity of the conversation next part)

'hey i'm leaving now.'
'huh? so early?'
'ermmm. your teacher looks damn fierce la. i say hi she no response wan.'
'er no la she's always like that at first. can talk really well wan.'
'i still feel a bit awkward err. Also, its late already. i have to work tomorrow.'
'ok la. goodnightandsweetdreams. bye. take care.'
'so i see you onnnnnnnnnn.....'
'wednesday?'
'ah i was hoping tomorrow. bye.'

I don't remember her replying. or that she did but she didnt agree on seeing me tomorrow. On a side note, it bothers me to listen to if-you-wanna-be-my-lover-you-gotta-get-with-my-friends from spice girls after this incident.

tbc..