feather fragments # 20: turning point

She had to pack right? She had to spend time with her family right? I planned to leave her alone on Tuesday. And i did. And wanted to take an advanced-annual-half-day-leave (i was still in probation at work so actually no leaves can be taken) so that i could meet her before sending her off to the airport. Was all hyped up. Till my supervisor told me advanced annual leaves doesnt come in halves, taking a full day was the only option. You ought to know what i picked. Without hestitation. And told her about it hoping she would spend more time with me for sacrificing little things for her.

******

25th February 2009. Noon. Superstitiously drove to Queensbay hoping for a good omen. Yeah, you know me, i create my own beliefs where one action cause another result that has no link at all. Get me? Nevermind if you don't. It simply meant i was getting the last keychain bearing her last name. Remember the scrapped idea? I placed the two key chains in my wallet to remember about it.

And i got it. I brought my heart an imaginary party hat and colorful balloons and ribbons and confettis. I never prayed, but i reckoned it would feel the same. The unexplanable peace and assurance you get from a good omen.

**********

Went home and waited and wondered would she only get me only to fetch her there and sent her off just in time. I imagined pessimistically if that happened what would my parents do to me. I imagined how would i waste a day's leave staying at home during work hours while i actually could still go to work and still make it in time, but only just to get her there, meaning that she wouldnt wanna meet me unnecessarily. The spiral of negative thoughts occupied me so much that it prevented me from doing anything productive besides sitting by the phone and waiting for the call. Each silent second that passed by was dreadful. For mental stability, I relied on the three keychains like holy charms. I laid idle on my bed. As eager and hopeless as dead.

4pm. Sahara rang. Siren. Rised from the dead. Changed. Charged to her house. Met her grandma. Helped her moved her stuff into my car clumsily and i was laughed at.

'Notice anything different about me?'

Looked at her. She didn't return eye contact but knew that i was looking and blinked. I couldn't differentiate if it was intentional or not. She was wearing a red T-shirt that i've never seen before. Jeans. and slippers. The thought of bringing her to the destination safely came to me so i turned my line of sight to the road again. Clear. Turned to her and Siren still looked like Siren. Somebody hit me in the head for being so not observant. and blunt.

'no ar. still so pretty. what's so different about you?'
'i didn't put any makeup.'

Fail. What was more was that i almost always notice if she applied or not during our previous meetings. The instant of guilt gave me a period where you could gouge my eyes out and i would feel that i deserve it as a punishment. Optimisically i thought to myself that, at least she wanted me to notice her, right? I'll keep that in mind next time.

****

Somewhere along the ride. Scotland road. Surprised me that she took the initiative to say that. It pleases/d me anyway.

'erm. due to limited bag space i only took one of the albums you gave me which you said its nicer to Melb. and the pendrive too because i didnt have time to transfer so i think i'd be only returning you at the end of the year.'
'oh. listened to it?'
'got lo. but browsed through it nia.'
'any song you think its nice?'
'errr... dunno never remember the titles. I remember there's a 'memory' there.'
'oh at least you did and remembered one, even if its that.'
'it's because it is so distinct from the other songs'

******
'you use SkyPE?'
'rarely. had an account that has only a few contacts in it.'
'me too. i remember creating one just to show my mum how it works. Add me ok?'
'ok. thru msn la haha. i dont remember it now also'
'neither do i'

Nope never used it. Dont ask. I dont even remember the account name i created for my mum.

'hows the phone services in australia like? what number you using? do you change everytime you come back?'
'nope i use the same australian number all the while. what, you gonna call me?'
'you let? what about the malaysian number? you keeping it?'
'haa. think i would.'

I know i'm a pervert when i have friends in Australia and never asked them about it.

******
Talked. She promised me dinner on her for the transportation. Reached Queensbay. Breeks. Spaghetti and Chicken. Bill. She surfaced her pursue and thought she saw me being masochist because i brought up my wallet at the same time.

'hey i promised to pay!'

She gestured me to prevent me from paying. I let her. My expressions changed, but it was all planned spontaneously. I turned into a scourge, a man capable of indecencies and miseries, and bringing out the wallet act was just a hypocritical formality.

'you really thought i was gonna pay? lian pi hou!' (face thick)

The twist of personality, in my opinion, caught her attention. Just when she was gonna think Jekyl had became Hyde, i unveiled the three keychains, lining up to properly spell her name in chinese. I was/AM somehow proud of my smooth execution; she gasped, covered her mouth momentarily, kept smiling, and kept exchanging glances on me and the keychains.

'wow. you even cut off any excuses for me to return you these.'

I acted as if chivalry was my middle name. And still wanted the assurance that i always wanted.

'haha. is it that i cant give these to anyone but you?'

Her smile had not left her. Seeing her being so lively was so nourishing i would pay anything for moments like these. It took her awhile to comprehend what i said and nodded slightly upon recovery.

'but hior, how do i keep it or use it? its a bit bulky for anything to put them together.'

My sense of achievement had left me. I came across that thought but never came to a perfect solution to that matter since my superstitous attitude has blinded me.

'maybe one at the purse, one at the bag, and one for your keys?'

She then saw this banner of a shoplet where the boss of the shop had ran away and the shop was hard selling the remaining products. And nudged me to look at it which diverted us from the topic. I took a picture of the banner. She asked me to send her that picture at that time. She never did. Till now.

****
Walked. About time to head to the airport. We paid attention to each other's words, gestures, body languages, and eyes. It brought my hand around her shoulder again. This time, it was more natural. Our conversation flow wasn't altered by my obviously intentional contact. This time, it was more comfortable. I was less nervous relatively although i still was but i guess experience teaches well. This time, it was slightly longer than the previous time. Around 1 minute. Longest record for raggy. Walking period from the elevator to car parked in the interval floors. As if the treat wasnt sumptous enough, some spices were added to enhance the bliss. Physical appearence comparisons and compliments from her. Heaven's a lie's a lie.

Let go of her when we entered the car. Questions like 'Why-didnt-they-make-the-car-park-bigger?' or 'why-didnt-i-park-the-car-further?' came spiralling in my irrationally-overly-happy-and-greedy mind. Nevertheless the continuity of our communication was still good. Secretly i told myself to appreciate what happened and to play safe so to not screw up big time.

*****
Reached airport. Lust gave me the strength to carry her slightly overweighted luggage around. My wobbliness never ceased to make her giggle. Teased. Thanked. Queued at the wrong place. Teased again. Silly laughters. SMS-ed. The one word message 'bye'. To a number of her friends. Recipients included me, upon my request though. More silly laughters. Nothing interest about this paragraph, it just served to boast about my memory. Of little negligible actions with her.

**** ####### (the parts within ### are in random order. Wasnt sure so included these)####

'can i see your phone and the pictures in it?'

Immediately i remembered that I had a picture of myself having my hand over Akasha in it. That image hit me like a sniper bullet. I contemplated for awhile and decided to believe that honesty is the best policy.

'erm.. there are things that i cannot show you.'
'what is it? i want to see! i want to see!'
'here. these are the things i dont want to show you.'

Ironically what i said doesnt match what i did. I have this pathetic ideology that i'll suffer lesser consequences by revealing the truth before being found out. I searched for that picture, took a deep breath and showed her that before anything else. Her expressions was as good as expression-less as she saw that picture. I suspected, and hoped that she was hiding the words that were going through her mind. For that few seconds of revelation, she remained silent.

'hmm. got disappointed or jealous?'
'just friends ma. haha.'
'cheh. was hoping that you are jealous.'

The silence continued. Made me wonder what her 'just friends ma' meant. Us, or me and Akasha? She continued browsing through the less interesting pictures that was in my phone. The feeling resembled when an angel had left me. I asked for hers but she didnt allowed to show hers to me. Note taken.

*****
Sat around the coffee bean before sending her off. Took a few pictures of her. And saw the usual Siren who checks if the picture taken is presentable enough to be saved. Then i tried taking pictures of us both but i was too inexperienced in camwhoring. So we resorted to some help from passerbys. Few had my arm over her shoulder, which retarded my acceptance when i saw those pictures that dont have anybody tagged. (you ought to know what i am meaning if you have her facebook)

Asked me to send her the pictures too, back then. And she totally forgotten about it.

********
Looked into her eyes as focused-ly as possible. Cleared my head of negative thoughts. And brought out a smile that wasnt too sweet nor too fake. I reminded myself of the last words during pinch me. As i saw an imaginary reflection of myself within her eyes, i uttered,

'are you gonna miss me?'

My eyes somehow sent a message that i remembered what we talked about two days ago. The receiving stare seemed promising. For a moment i thought i was lost in time and space. Then for the next few moments i thought that maybe i should ask something better like the 'official question'. Rationally, or cowardly, i withdrew the idea based on the fact that we only knew each other for two months and were intimate with each other for only four feather fragments.

My heart skipped a few beats but i noticed she chuckled slightly and our eye contact was still intact. She nodded, and took some time to clear her throat to say,

'hui la' (gonna)

My heart ate a popsicle. An exothermic chemical reaction has just occured. The chemical residues both soothed and stimulated the reaction container. Maybe she wasn't clearing her throat and was expecting me to for ask something more. Or i'M just being too optimistic. because she said,

'je yang mei you chen yi de!' (so insincere wan)

A virtual giant exclaimation mark floated above my head. I envied how Juliet believed Romeo. The usual me licked my own wound again by telling myself that, at least she wanted me to be sincere.

'zhen yang chai hui you chen yi leh?' (how to have sincerity?)
'ni mong jian wo jui ke yi liao lo.' (dream of me then ok already)

Those words willingly chained me to her prison. What i replied later, was the truth, it's up to you to believe me or not. Because it sounded too cheesy and flirtatous.

'ru guo yi jing mong guo ni liao leh?' (what if i've already did dreamt?)
'mong duo yi dian lo.' (dream of me more lo.)

Never thought those words were so literal now. Dre-ee-eam. dream, dream, dream. Dre-ee-eam.

****

'Would you be happy if i were to visit you in Aus?'

As if she got infected by a mild tetanus, her jaw dropped for awhile and couldnt seem to close it properly. But it wasn't tetanus, a little bird tells me that she found it too good to be true.

'really?'
'do i look like i'm joking?'
'would happy la. but really ar?'
'dont doubt me.'
'erm. i think i would be having my hols on june-july-ish. you let me know before you come ok?'

AND THOSE WERE HER EXACT (TRANSLATED) WORDS. Fuck all of you who thought i was gonna go fuck around and bother her.

*******

'can i hug you?'
'haaa?'

I ignored her. And took a step forward. That step was enough to place my flabby biceps around hers. My hands formed a knot behind her spine. My chin was on her slightly scarlet slight lyvelvet mostly black long silky hair, within sniffing range. And did what a pervert would always do, sniffed. and felt her hands finding two random spots, on my back, next to each other to place. Everything else in sight seemed to lost its colors. Everything else in this world that mattered seemed to lost its values. The salvation, or MY self-perceived salvation, lasted 9-10 seconds. Uncontrollably i murmured behind her ears.

'this was my first time.'

I lied. If any physical hug was considered a hug, yea it was a lie. I remembered trying to hug Akasha but she rebuffed me by telling me its for my birthday and its December. To save my face i guess.

We let go of each other. Subsequently I lost the key to the second padlock of Siren's chain. And didn't care. Rather it lost eternally.

As if.

*********###########(pretty sure the sequence of things after this part)#######

It was time. She walked. And kept turned around and smiled and waved. Went into the MAS gateway but realised her flight was SIA's, requiring her to walk back to where i was. It was another moment i was wondering if i was being rational or cowardly again. I just stood there and watched and waved. She resumed the three actions again. But i knew i couldnt see far,as i just lost my glasses the day before. I maintained the same motion even though she was out of range of sight anymore. For one minute. I didnt care how the onlookers would think of me. I wondered if she would suddenly became insane and retreated back to where i was at the sixty-first second in hopes of telling each other very important things. Closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and walked like the airport never wanted me to leave. Or like i didnt want to leave it.

Received an sms later on when i was driving home.

'thanks for everything. would be back in november. hope can chat with you more on msn!'

I thought i was critical in thinking. Deduced the possiblity that she would be boarding her plane already. And i was driving. So replied her a message as short as possible so she would read it in time before her Maxis number became out of service. I wonder if she expected more.

'miss u lots.'

Punish me. Mutilate me. Kill me. Little did i know I didnt get her Australia number even we talked about it.
********

Somehow i managed to convince myself with blinded faith and fairy tales. The vortex of unsorted thoughts cancel each other out, strangely resulted me to behave towards her departure neutrally. I was told by friends that i would go over-the-top kind of emo but no, i was pretty composed myself, back then. Pinch me, angels, typical rarity, and 14:February were replayed in my mind and analyzed almost excessively that had generated enough serotonins which had removed my anxiety on the incoming absence of flesh. I recognize/d my own unrequited patience and reminded myself that what belongs to you will always belong to you; and this would be viewed as, a test. A test of my capability and abilities to wait, that will prove to her how secure i can be in hopes of disinfecting her plague to think that young age doesnt govern the fidelity of a person. Unlike everybody else, i was so confident that i dont grieve during the gateway of physical absence. i sensed that a few people might point out and humiliate me that i was never being in a relationship before. And that i could never understand. Maybe i really don't. But know this, it's my naivety that had lead me to indulge in this fair-ealit-y tale.

tbc..

p.s: ff:20 ends here

终于我犯了罪 永远在此沉睡 就算崩溃 也要追回 记忆的美