feather fragments # 14: February

Note to self: i'm delusional.

i didn't slept well the past few nights in recent time. I wonder if it's caused by knowing that the next post i'mma write is this post. My first and only valentine's day/te.

************
Yet.
************

what if we run out of things to say? what if she bails last minute? am i really that prepared for tomorrow? what if i actually try to hold her hand? what happens if she actually let me? Thoughts like these haunted me before i slept. I was fatigued due to the series of activities after the day and i knew i had get some rest to be at my best tomorrow but my own anxiety, or excitement had kept me awake a lot longer. Everytime i was about to doze off, one of the questions stated above materialized out of nowhere and bothered me for awhile. I didnt realise when did i actually went into dreamland but i did realise i woke up a little bit too early, just to think. I remember forcing myself to sleep but efforts were futile. Well, don't pity me, i was enjoying it back then.

After two hours of rolling on the bed, i gave up pretending that i was asleep. Changed, i headed to gurney to try my luck on the last keychain and to buy the tickets to ensure we get seats for the movie later. I withdrew the key chain gift plan as i couldn't find that name there too. Bad omen. Proceeded to get the tickets. There were to on screens that i might thought she wanted to watch. Valkyrie or Curious Case of Benjamin Button. Yea, im indecisive and i know it's a negative trait for a guy. So i phrased my question (in sms) to not sound too autonomic nor undecided -' which movie u wanna watch, Valk or CCoBB? If u say up2me then i would choose CCoBB.' So CCoBB it was.

Then i went home to grab my branch. and waited and waited and waited. for the specified time of meeting to come. and tried to look my best in the meantime. Now i could look my best and be punctual.

Reached her house a little bit early and waited for the time to come before informing her of my arrival. My means of transportation was a big disappointment though, or so i thought, but it didnt seem to bother her at all, or so i thought again. Like the last one on one outing, i had to wait awhile again but again it was more worthwhile. Red blouse, streched to a few inches above the knees, jeans, high heels, slightly heavier make up, same scent of perfume. She made her way to my humble little car and the sequence was almost dreamlike to me. But it WAS real. Past tense. Real enough for me to remember it till today.

We arrived at the cinema around 30 minutes before the movie starts. In the meantime she went to MNG to change the size of the jeans she mistakenly bought a few days before. I thought i hallucinated very badly because almost everyone in the shop turned around to eye us wondering if i was too lucky to walk with someone like Siren or vice versa or i was the only guy in the girl's department which made me feel kind of out of place. Nevertheless i got so cocky i rhetorically complimented myself by asking Siren if i look good with or without glasses while both of us were looking at the mirror admiring ourselves. She looked at my reflection then at the real me, as if trying to imagine me without the glasses (i was wearing), disappeared into a world of her own thoughts for awhile, and answered, 'hai si yi yang hao kan de la/both looks good'. Boy, it felt good to be gullible, i floated sky high and saw light in every dark corner momentarily.

That took about the time we needed to wait for the movie and i regreted not doing something during the previous movie we watched - getting popcorns. It was either she skipped breakfast and lunch that she would almost eat anything or she adores popcorns very much her mouth never rested longer than 10 secs as long as the packet was within her hand. She munched popcorn so much that she almost finished three quarter of the packet alone and i actually felt jealous of not being the popcorn. During intervals of the movie she would pass the food to me after eating alot herself and still took popcorns from the packet even when i was holding it. I noticed that and turned towards her and stared at her, but all that above was just an excuse to look at her. She seemed to notice me noticing her and widened her eyes as if to concentrate on the movie, slowed down her eating pace and her mouth biting motion was more graceful than it was. If i had the ability to stop time, it was then. It was magical, to me. No wonder that long movie didn't felt long. I remembered the first time we met at starbucks she ordered caramel-skimmed-milk or something similiar. The popcorn was caramel flavored too. Hoping that we have more things in common, i inquired if she liked caramel. Stupid move. She answered,'no ah' and i came to realisation that my hypothesis was wrong. I was happy for the wrong reasons. Maybe she was straving and i even failed to notice that.

The movie ended at like 6 something. Dinner time. Tried to trick her to drop her home to get her camera so that i could sneak the florist to get the flowers for her but to no avail. She said her battery wasn't charged but it could be that she didnt want to take pictures with me. So i resorted to bringing her along to the florist and presented it to her there. She giggled, laughed and reverted back to giggling again with her hands on her mouth for a moment. It felt like she wasnt believing what she was seeing but the optimistic me told me that act complimented her anyway so it was natural she reacted that way. While not recovering from her giggly-laughter, she asked why would i do such a thing. I responded, 'happy valentine's day' only to induce more laugther. It was then i thought i finally had the right to be happy but it didn't last long. The next thing, it could be mean, or confusing, that she said was,' bu xu yao ze yang zuo de la/ dont need to do such a thing'. Ouch. Maybe she's not the materialistic type that pursuers didnt need such things to get to her. Or maybe it was a blatant lie that girls usually say. Because i felt the way she laughed betrayed that statement.

Throughout the journey to the Gardens (dinner place) she held the flowers within her hands. Maybe she was compelled to do so because it wasnt spacious enough and it was kind of disrespectful to leave it elsewhere. We educated each other with details of our lives to the point that she asked me, again, why would i give her flowers during valentines. Unalarmed, i answered,

'to make you happy.'
'its valentines and both of us are single and did you do this out of respect for me?'
'er.. frankly speaking i dont really know u that well but i do have some feelings for you.'

fucking hell tbc..
*******
My heartbeat raced like a deer running from a hungry lion. I felt baited saying what i just said. I couldn't stop wondering why she would pressure me with questions. The enthusiasm and tone of her voice was unexpected though. It wasn't the all serious kind of voice full of assurance and clarity. Rather, it sounded rather cheerful and something tells me she was anxious for the answer. Maybe i was wrong. Maybe she was being mischevious and playful. She sounded like a busybody friend who is asking some personal gossip about me. But she ought to know the other subject was clearly herself. She sounded eager to know my answer, not awkward at all, in fact so natural as if she practised the line before. In fact, i planned to talk a whole lot more with her before confessing, this caught me very unexpectedly. There were many maybe-i-should-do-that-than-this ideas that i could think of later on and somehow i felt what i did was a mistake. Lesson learnt.

'haaaHahaHAHahAHaa'
'hmmmm?'

Laughter continued but no words were spoken.

'ok point taken. let's move on to another topic. it's kinda awkward to stay in this one.'
'neh it's not like that. we just dont know each other that much. Plus, you are too young for me.'

Upon hearing that, what Cool warned me of struck me. Thanks to him though, i wasnt caught off-guard. My daydreaming sessions had drafted out several replies for this situation. It wasn't really needed though, she continued reasoning to her own statement herself. Maybe it would be annoying in the future, * **** the way she elaborates things. She would go on a talking trance and give full detail speeches that fallen preys would only nod in fascination.

'It's the way i think of stuff. I don't really trust guys younger than me. Somehow i felt that they are insecure due to having a longer period of 'trying'-age. They can go 'oh i'm still young if im not with you then i can be with someone else'. It's not fair for me, in my opinion, and my position. I'm 23. Yeah maybe it's not that old to you. But for me, as a girl, it is. I can't simply go in out of relationships. You are turning 23 too. But you are a guy. Still young for a guy. Still might wanna explore many things.'

Now i'm rather impressed by myself that i remember what she said, almost exactly, but not the exact sequence. I thought, and still think that a few words are not enough to convince someone like her. Her high popularity entitles her to be more choosy and i acknowledge that. I am - correction - i was, gonna show her how capable i can be in terms of security, but it could only be done with a long stretch of time. I didn't confirmed with her of what i was gonna do. I wonder if it was a mistake. No matter now. My heart still pounded abnormally rapidly, and i came out with this within pressure,

'i wasn't asking for a relationship. I wanted to know of you more first. I'm aware that people have to know each other better if they are compatabile with each other and all before going into a relastionship. Am i good enough- just to get you out for dates and talk our hearts out?' (this is less accurate. it sounds lame if its directly translated from chinese.)

It felt like i took a step back. But asking if i was good enough was kind of brave, at least. Even though the answer provided by her might be slightly candy coated to prevent massive damage.

'you are actually not bad as a guy, so far. but i still don't know you that well yet. Plus, we didnt really dated before now.'
'red cliff 2'
'Oh sorry i dont remember.'
'haha it's fine. I actually think you are too high up there for someone like me.'

Ouch. A mosqituo sting though. Cool came back and haunted me. Siren veteran, indeed.

'nono.. it's not about you. I personally think that older people would be more family-ish and loyal as they are starting to plan to settle down. dont you think so?'
'it depends.. Maybe men would be less likely be playful at an older age, but it ultimately depends on a person's character, regardless of age. So do you treasure security that much?'

My statement favored me while my questions put me in a disadvantage. It didn't mean that i can't be secure but it makes her think otherwise. I knew this for a reason as she snapped at me.

'who doesn't want their lives to be secure?'

I paused. Too late to take back that question now. I thought of butterfly ( the him back then) but cleared my mind of him almost immediately. It was me who was asked that question. A rhetorical one though. I had to take a stance. A not too obvious one. A stance to hint my trait.

'you're right.'

I wonder if it worked. It didn't look like it did to me. It takes a psychic and a time traveller to properly let her know what i wanted to let her know.

tbc..

***********

My notorious bad sense of direction miracously didnt fail me that day. I managed to locate Gardens which i had never being there before, after missing a turn. Before parking the car, i went crazy brave, and at the same time wanting to wear a mask, for asking,

'you wanna bring the flowers down with you to show off?'

Partially it was because i was curious whether she held them all the way in the car willingly or not.

'so ma fan mieh. donnit kua'

Sell me a mask twice its original price. Or thrice. I would still buy it, back then. Originally i planned to do something stupid like trying to hold her hand after giving her the flowers. But i was a coward. And a sore loser too. Because i had give it to her in the car and we wouldnt be walking together. But we were as we left the car. Siren wasn't laughing randomly anymore which i thought her laughter might morally support my courage. Nevertheless each step we walked we were closer to each other by a few milimeters. Or maybe i was the sole factor for the decrement of the distance between us. We weren't talking that much yet, but my heart was reciting poems in monologue. Unaware of where the place was, Siren walked straight towards a direction which i thought, was not the supposed destination. Chance.

I stretched my arm across her back, landed on her shoulder and applied some little force on the landing zone so that she wouldn't go off-track. I felt a budding bliss. Okay, I was the perverted tour guide, but still the same coward seconds ago. Flashbacks of our conversation moments ago came back. Then somehow the slight moment of bliss turned into guilt. Guilt of taking advantage. I released my grip on her. That lasted not more than 4 seconds. Whether this was before or after what i did, i remembered trying the same feat on Boushbell two years ago only to get pushed away in a struggle almost immediately. Not so bad huh, Siren didn't resist in those four seconds. But i dont know her enough to deduce anything from this forgetable incident.

Gardens was visually magnificent, exterior to interior. We stood in front of the back entrance in awe, admiring the multi-cultural-influenced designs and the alignment of the bamboo trees. She complimented on my choice of venue (thanks dr!) and i replied something so trivial i couldn't remember but the next thing she said carved a mark in me.

'i dont believe you were never in a relationship before.'

Glass half full, it's a compliment; glass half empty, it's an insult. I had heard that from people but it never impacted me as much as hearing it from Siren. I was torn between deductions like, woah-i-keep-doing-this-and-i-can-be-in-a-relationship-****-*** and she's-gonna-think-i'm-the-playful-type-omg-no. Ignore me. Anyhow, i came out with an answer a five year old boy who was never knew the definition of lie would give. In fact what she said felt like a reply to what i said.

'i really was never being in a relationship before.'

It was then images of Akasha and Boschbell came back to me and say hi and disappeared in a few miliseconds as Siren stood right before my eyes.

'people whom i wanted never wanted me.'
'really?'
'really.'
'but you're so daring.'

Apparently not daring enough. or it's better that way.

tbc

*****
Nevermind the failed attempt. I had one of the most memorable and lengthy conversation with Siren, face to face, later on. We revealed little things about our lives and if i were as attentive as i was on every lecture, i had i would've gotten straight A-s every semester.

We actually met Boushbell and Zeroes (nickname for bb bf) and Siren pretended (i think) to feel bad about the encounter by apologizing even though i was the one who brought her there. From that, the talking topic suddenly became our past relationships but sadly i had none to tell her but failed attempts. In return, I asked about her ex. The more outstanding details about him and her were: zoo; he fell in love with her at first sight; helped her on physics; made paper flowers for her and she accepted him non-verbally. These had later on inspired Epic. Hence,the nickname SourceofEpic.

The thrist for her history overcame me and i asked again, if she was popular in Australia among her friends. She told me about an extremely vain pianist who looks as good as lingzhiying but behaves childishly who chased her. She added that he is a big fan or mirrors, goes on a proper diet, visits gyms regularly and complains if he misses gym sessions or the food is unhealthy. He had this crush on her when both of them were in different relationships but never told her until they were (note the past tense) single again. Hmm, i'm just trying to make you think what i was/am suspecting. It could be another person.

Then we became childish ourselves and told each other about our experiences as kids. We were quite shameless about our past stupidities and thinking about it still manages to be me a chuckle even now. I told her of my creative fear of the dark. I would imagine ghosts and spectres and flying heads materializing at specified spots every time i switched off the light. They would patrol around a fixed route and i have to perform a special ritual of counting before i can evade them... just to sleep soundly. It cracked her up. In return, she told me that she used to believe like she was some mandate of god. Like a spoiled brat, she thought she was a standout among every kid and knew she was meant for something special. If that wasn't enough she believed she could teleport. Yes, similar to the Hiro-kind of teleport. Even the open and close eyes part. One fine day (only) she missed her grandma so much she wanted to see her and all she needed to do was to close her eyes and *poof* and open them again and she was with her grandma. However, her mom wasn't around anymore. Missing her mother, she performed the same procedure to revert herself back to her original spot and.... it happened. Grass was always greener on the other side, she would want to see a someone she couldnt see and had performed more teleports than Hiro did in a small stretch of time. Finally she ran out of energy when she accidentally travelled herself to school. She said that she knew it didnt make sense at all but it felt too real, so real that she actually became more arrogant after that incident. It cracked me up.

Somehow we talked to our primary school lives. After exchanging some now-uninteresting questions and information, we interrogated each other about our puppy crushes. She **censoredduetopromise***. Then it was my turn to be asked. It went:

'So what about you? I'm pretty sure you too have your childhood sweethearts.'
'Yea...but...'
'But what? Come'on. Tell me who.'
'Er...'

She looked at me so anxiously. Due to obvious reasons, I was lost at words. and her eyes, too.

'Tell la tell la'
'It'll be awkward if i did'
'Ha? Could it be me? Kinda impossible. Let me think ha...'

Now her view switched to the ceiling. Realising that she never remembered my existence, she almost gave up at once.

'Could it be..... errrrr .. dunno.'

I took a deep breath. I needed enough oxygen to confirm that i was thinking rationally. My brain sent numerous amount of signals to my mouth to say something but most of them failed to reach it. I could only let out a murmur,

'it's you.'

Upon hearing that, her gaze became more focused on me. Maybe she didn't hear it properly. Maybe she didn't believe what she heard. Maybe she thought she was dreaming again. She wanted to smile uncontrollably but her eyes tells me she didnt buy it if i was lying.

'really?'

Suddenly my manly hormones contributed to make myself sound clearer. It was too late to take back those words.

'yea it's you.'

She couldn't resist to laugh anymore and she did. After composing herself from the laughter, she stated out facts that might deny what i just said.

'we were in the same class before mieh? why me leh? nobody else to like mieh?'
'standard 5. dunno. maybe you were pretty. oh wait you are.'
'but we didn't meet for long. i find it hard to believe la haHahAha.'
'call me a creep. your school number was 93018. you used to have a green minnie mouse bag with magenta edges. but that's all i can remember.'

Nodding in disbelief, she told me that she herself almost couldnt recall that two information about her. She exclaimed,

'HOOORR!~ you must be ogling at my boobs to remember my school number so well!'

I narrowed my eyes, reacting as if i was offended, didn't say anything for a few seconds, and the vocalist said to herself,

'Ooops~ I was like 11-12 back then. Still flat. Havent grew anything yet haha.'

She shied away to snigger. Deep down inside of me, it felt like multiple miniature fireworks exploded in unison. I imagined invisible confettis pouring down all around me. A temporal urge of standing up and declaring 'i'mhappierthanallofyou!' came to me but i was sane enough to prevent myself from looking stupid.

tbc...
*********
Service was slow and bad. We had to wait two to three hours but that had allowed the long conversation with her. My food, some grilled snapper dish sucked. She ordered some steak and almost finished all of it. The portion was big. Her table manners wasnt the finest and she apologized but i like it that way. Nevertheless that doesnt mean that i can spill water over the table which i did. Embarrasing. Didn't seem to disgust her, though. A nearby waiter walked pass and she asked him to clean up the mess (although it was just plain water) and fill up my drink. Impressed, rather than the usual 'thank you', i said,

'xi huan ni lo'

She just looked at me and smiled. It didn't feel awkward. But the next things we talked about were of no relation with that.

We finished the food and had this brief moment of silence. It was eleven something-ish. Maybe we talked for too long. Maybe her jaw was tired chewing the beef. Maybe she was fatigued from the whole day of activities. Maybe we just ran out of things to say. Or maybe we were in the same place for too long it's getting boring. Tried to take pictures with her there but i was a fail cameraman with a fail camera phone. All the pictures taken were requested to be deleted by her. I didn't know why i was so obedient.

Originally i planned to bring her to the beach for a seemingly romantic moment but it didnt happen. I brought up the idea and she frowned at it. So i resorted to bringing her to Starbucks but Toby saved her life from me. He summoned us to Red for socializing sessions. Again, i didn't know why i was so obedient.

This tiny part of conversation in the car was on a repeated loop in my brain, even now.

'You have someone in your mind now?'
'Hmmmm.... (long pause) no.'
'rejection. ouch.'
'haha. actually when you asked me out on wednesday, i didnt realise it was Valentine's.'
'ouch. again.'

I reminded myself not to go emotional all over this by convincing myself verbally. She could hear me too.

'well. thanks for not bailing on the last minute. i got that a lot.'

She chuckled. Somehow it lifted the uneasiness that the previous two statements had caused. A lesser magnitude though.

I don't know if she was just trying to make me feel better or it was just her trying to eliminate the silence, she claimed,

'i'm not that ready for a relationship yet.'

Reminiscent. From Boushbell. Then what happened happened again. Present tense. I would like to add two words behind to their statements, 'for you'. Siren reasoned,

'there are still so many things i have to manage and i still can't. I'm too much a mess myself to be involved in such a commitment.'

My ass. Well, thanks for trying to make me not feel bad.

I didn't remember what i replied. I replied something relatively useless. But it did make her say,

'I didnt know you long or well enough. You doubt your own commitment too. Even so, you can tell me you love me but i wouldnt buy it. Anyone can say that he/she love you anytime. But it's only words. There's no truth to it. Actions are usually different. Or maybe it's just me but i hardly believe people when they say that.'

I feel challenged. Nonetheless it was logical and healthy. We reached Red. Leaving the car, it was only a short walking distance to there. Hoping that i could promote myself better, I defended myself,

'notice i didn't use the word 'love'. notice i did say i didn't know you long or well enough when i confessed. I rather let my actions speak my words. I wont simply misuse the word 'love'. I wouldnt want to taint the meaning of word'

We were supposed to enter the building if i didnt say that. She delayed the walk, stood still and turned around and looked at me just to let me finish what i just said. It could totally mean nothing but something tells me what i said left some, if not a little, impact on her.

'let's go in.'

It was the second time i got to touch her shoulder for awhile. The day/te unofficially ended.

*******************

I left out a lot of minor details which would seem uninteresting to readers. Through this date (please let me declare it a date for my efforts), i've learnt quite a lot. I am brutally honest and somehow i feel good about it, although it is fruitless.

ff#14:February ends. Signed off @ July 1st. Took me 5 sessions to complete. That's around 8-9 hours.

tbc...

p.s: @ ff#15