Public Monologue

For this very moment
i feel like locking myself up in a room and not talk to anybody
and enjoy things myself
i wanna lie on the bed
and look at the ceiling
and do nothing

i'm slightly tired i think
not physically
nor in a way that i can describe
i hereby apologize to the victims of the antisocial me
whether you see it or not
whether you feel it or not

i just came back from KL two days ago. I'm going Thailand later.
i had fun. i must say. thanks.

Neutralise

i almost cried pride.
i dont know.
i deserved to be laughed at.
why are you trying to make fun of me?
you think its funny what the fuck you think its doing to me?

i've poured enough alkaline to neutralize the acid
did i pour too much?
i felt like i did.

i think i've gathered enough strength to make another step again.
and i should look at where am i going.
so i wont fall. again.

Prisoner

i'm feeling this social prison
i wanna blame it on my luck to make me feel better
as i said
i fell
and i shouldn't try to climb back up so soon
until recovery
else i'll keep falling again with my flimsy feet.

undecided title. unfinished report. untouched logbook.
nobody beats me being a pro-procrastinator
i never was a practitioner
what am i?

One-Sided

i climbed just to fall again
i've lost my patience and fell harder
i've lingered, too long
i knew why it is said that way
yet i questioned knowing i wouldn't get a reply
i should learn when to admit defeat and stop causing anymore damage
and also to appreciate the very little that's given to me
it wouldn't be this way if i werent so greedy right?

this is so my fault.
how do i put in effort, if i'm not given the chance?
or was i given and i missed it?
i'm so losing my confidence

and nothing i can do about it
when it is so one-sided

Compelled

Question: do i feel sick?
i've being trying too little too many to make myself not sick

sometimes i thought i'm no longer sick
occasionally i thought i'm infected with another sickness that i thought i'm immune to
a few times i got carried away and i don't feel sick
seems like im fighting fire with fire
but just to get myself burnt

sometimes this, sometimes that
would i fall away from responsibility in the future?
however you can't blame me for this
nobody assured me anything

Stuck

Now i don't know what to blame
i'm just like every other typical person
i should behave like one.

i'm stranded in the middle of nowhere
i don't feel particularly bad
i don't feel good either
i like it this way though

i'm not special and i do not deserve special treatment

just stuck, hollow and alone and the fault is my own and the fault is my own

Eclipse

My IE and msn are screwed for god sakes i'm already so disconnected from my social circle
everything around me is going wrong

why do i still interest in things that i disciplined myself not to know?
is mentioning hazardous?
its going to go away someday right?
it's not like i am gonna gain anything from bitching like that.
start something
do something
i did didn't i?
or maybe i haven't finish doing
just stuck somewhere in the middle

i was told, the day that had passed, to reach sooner
it reached, coincidentally as the same day
it passed, and it was as blissful as it is so then, i was warned since ...
and i've forgotten, or maybe never experienced, that kind of bliss in my life.
why am i told anyway.
you didn't mean to lie, but lied.

four full moons after now, i wonder where will i belong to
the mere thought of it scares me, not mentioning seeing or living the day
two full moons before now, i solemnly dread
that i didn't
because i couldn't
and i shouldn't.
perhaps... i... should..

Traffic

i can, could i?
i didnt.
fearing i'm not allowed to.
and turns out i'm allowed to.
what if i did?
i'm not allowed to, because i didn't?
am i supposed to regret?
am i supposed to even know the answer?
whether i am or not, there's already one, and it doesnt make any difference
so, better keep it a question, knowing a definite answer would cause trouble.
i'm glad that i kept myself sober

a sudden thought of a child protecting his doll despite that him himself was getting bullied and beaten by a mob.
then the mob gets tired and goes away, the child looks at his unharmed doll and smiled.
then the doll breaks into piece without reason, and the child cries.
Although this has no relation to me,
nor am i sure why i came across this thought,
i shed tears.
i couldn't control it.
i was driving and was horned by a car behind.

I like to sleep but i hate to dream.
Better lonely than bringing someone else down with me.

Blaming period. Ignore me.

Nata de Coco

i'm a sin
when i go i should go all out.
hestitating.sucks.
i deserve the ignorance
well, it doesnt really bother me and i've learnt a lesson.

and the blaming goes away for now
and, i've grown, for now..
i know, the blaming is gonna come back someday
and, i'll shrink, for that moment.
let's just hope that i grow.

Ah, and there are times when i feel i don't wanna grow up at all.
I love the irony
that's why i like chewing nata de coco
The surface seems firm and yet so soft
It could be easily broken into pieces and yet it stays so rigid
It's feels juicy and is made of fibre
It's processed from coconut and contains no oil
I can eat it even if im full

even if im full..
when would i, be filled?

Vague Confession

I am blaming now.
Sorry.
I know you dont deserve to be blamed.
I know i'm in no position to blame too.

I hate it when i tried my best and i still cant be honest even in my blog.
people judge, it matters too much to me.
i've given up so many just to reach the point of giving up.
.
full stop.

Can imaginary me stop talking, and listening to myself?
Everything turned out so wrong
i'm left with silence

and i've realised..
its never taken
could i just, take it back myself, and try giving again
with or without another?
preferably, rationally, morally, supposingly,
with a n o t h e r.

im honest now. dont like it? fuck you.

Blame

when i feel lonely
i think
too much
is it that im just finding something to blame
for my loneliness
because its the only thing that comes to mind
coupled with the uneasiness of the hollowness
so, its just me, blaming.
blaming. blaming. blaming.

and the blaming stops
when there is something
anything
anything that removes the loneliness

and when the something goes away
the blaming comes back

31 - 10 =

im growing
literally
mentally
physically
and horizontally
when can i go back to the time
when i know nothing and believe in everything at all?

back then
simple things entertain me
not now
but at least, now..

what's done is done
if i were to travel back in time
it wouldn't be fair to those who can't
it's time to learn to give up the innocence
and take on the responsiblity
which, ironically can't be portrayed with anything that i've done now

let's just believe in reincarnation..
it gives us the chance to return to innonence
as well as limitless chances to grow up with uncertainties and obstacles
cause without it, life would be boring as i know what's gonna happen
which demotivates me from putting any effort since i know, its gonna happen

i see yellow sign.

Miss

omfg
i can remember &**^^*@)
i can remember *&!)@^)&%!%@
i can remember )!^$&^*)#(
but i cant remember !)@^
for twelve hours in my life i thought today was oct 25th!
luckily project:FS was cancelled
luckily i wasn't picked
i'm losing my pride of remembering numbers
i feel so ashamed of myself

*Stabs myself to death

*Reincarnates and stab myself to death again

Choice

Pen drive
so i can only be mediocre

Deteriorate

i can no longer make that epic
dreading, dreading,dreading..
oh how i wish times just fly faster and stop at some moment later when it is interesting

i still am growing fat..
i wore black today n realized i have a lot of dandruff
my my imma turn into some ugly old man who sits on the public benches to look at girls passing by since i wont have a wife to bug me everyday
....

Irony part IV

i always fantasize
because i never felt like i win
anything real to make me really happy
i feel that I'm asking too much
but thinking back..
what did i really asked for?

i seldom craze for items
am satisfied with what i'm using now although its average or below average
almost, never had the thought of getting anything new too..
does that make me, very, not materialistic?
i had two major crushes on two unlucky girls
who look, above average..
would i ever get a crush on a below average ?
does that make me, very, materialistic?
..
or does that make me, luscious?

someone asked me if i only would like good looking girls only
i answered no
i've been telling myself that, i'm not that kind of person
but deep inside, i dont really understand myself
or maybe i did and i refuse to face the truth....
i'm bad at facing truths

man i should really get a life instead of wondering stuffs like that..
sometimes i think i've healed
sometimes my scars rip open
sometimes i wonder if im just hiding, although i no longer feel bad around people
sometimes i feel really bad being with only myself thinking i'm being only with myself
sometimes, i rather be with myself..
never a time, i can feel that im superior and being admired of some capabilities
everytime, i wanna .. ditto

what is love?
am i just curious about it so much since i never experienced it
but it wouldn't be fair to the person i use to fulfill my curiousity
life's not fair anyway so why should i care so much?
i still do wanna care..
for now
i rather feel pain, than inflict pain
you can say im stupid, i dont care
for now..

Redeem Phase 1

I'll be so glad if
I have your problem
but it wouldnt be a problem to me

i could just leave it
save all my troubles
even though it seems that i'm happier if im troubled
in such a manner

but ill just do something
simple
for safety's sake

i dont blog so much anymore
my throat is becoming powerless
is that a good sign?

i reckon it is...

i hate myself so much that i love myself
i wonder if this applies to you?

Dim

i'm turning antisocial

i live like a hermit

god please find someone that i can talk to so i can talk to

distancing..
thoughtless bridge, just that they didnt die, and not all

Meme

Lazy to copy and paste those rules

here goes
1. I'm pretty. Prettier than YOU. *laughs at reader*
2. I'm good at remembering numbers. 1+1=3. Oops.
3. I'm good at waiting. Likes to wait sometimes.
4. I rap really well. Those songs i know the lyrics, though.
5. I think I'm smart, and i like the fact that people think im stupid.
6. I rock at blink-epi-ing
7. I'm very very humble. haha.
8. ok, this sucks, i'm weird and i'm fat, and mandy is blind to say that i'm thin. GRR!

Fat *Sobs*

Ugh....
i'm growing so fat that one of my pants keep unzipping itself as it cannot contain my belly
i have to go to some place where nobody can see to zip it
and i must not tuck in !
and i still eat like nobody's business and do not do sports..
imma turn into this very fat man who cant fit into the largest size of clothes available in normal clothing stores..

Cold

tried to be funny
turned out rather annoying
sigh

should i take more risks by keep trying
to improve myself
or should i silence myself to minimize the risks?
to improve myself, too

i can always talk normally..
well, i didnt always talk normally..
my job is making me more and more stupid i guess

should i at least say hi before i say bye
felt so cool saying that, then after awhile, it feels so rude

Blind

Head hurts
my eyes are tired looking at different monitors all day
just when i thought imma repeat the same procedures like everyday
im assigned something different
well, hurray, until i was told what i am going to do..
differentiate colors..
i'm given lotsa round objects, which looks like a button and has two metal layers
one is disc-shaped, surronding another smaller metal button..
they are grey
well at least i thought they are
and if the colors contradict too much, im supposed to put them in the 'rejected' slots
and the colors are grey, slightly slightly dark grey,slightly dark grey, dark grey, and dark grey
-.-""
then when i change the angle of view, its all black
---_____---"""
so here i go
picked a few ones, that i thought its different in color..
but i was unsure about my decision, i asked the one who taught me to confirm whether my choice is correct
turns out only 2/5 'buttons' i picked are supposed to be rejected are not supposed to be rejected
then the others that i didnt pick, he chose around 2 out of 5 buttons to be rejected

!
me color blind??
.....

he's like 50 years old
im like 30 years younger
......


ughhh
my eyes are failing me


i cant see i cant see i cant see im going blind
i cant see i cant see i cant see im going blind

Drift

Time flies the moment you do not want it to
Time stops the moment you do not want it to, too

I'm drifting around the ocean without having a motive
Would I stumble across an island
or would i get caught up in a storm?

i dont have a paddle to determine where am i heading
i dont have a map to see where can i go
but then, its not 'i dont'
its just 'i can get it but i havent'?
or 'i can get it but i lazy'?
so what am i doing?
waiting for the waves to bring me somewhere?

This situation is not hard to go through
nor easy though
time would just go on, as it usually does, not flying, not stopping

well, i can't swim..
would i drown?

Enlightening Wound

sometimes i think
i look down at myself at times
or maybe
i like to say myself a little lousier than i should be
and hoping that people around me to convince me that i'm not
and also hoping to be complimented instead
but rather
there was a time i came across this thought
i'm so hypocritical
i show an expression without confidence
but inside my mind i am waiting to be praised
i wonder if other individual who looks down at himself have the same thought as me
the liking to be consoled, complimented, clarified..

i should not depend on others to build up my confidence
i should have some self-confidence
indepedence and confidence

you should not be so reliant

and since treating people like that is hypocritical
a common reply, from others, would be hypocritical too
and people who suspect my intentions
would probably just ignore

you should not be so reliant
thanks for saying this
i used to be similar to you but as i grow i find this attitude immatured and your old enough so you should stop being like that
thanks for saying this too

Jermaine Chan

he sucks
he's nude in his room talking to me
he has a very perverted face
his name is NOT hang tze
he loves gay buttsecks
and has a fetish for kids

he rocks tho
he gives me code geass!!
<3 <3

oh dear balmung
im such a fan of you
can i get your autograph?

Redeem, Phase 0.5

i see differences in reactions
i don't know what to feel now
reacted this way by this character
reacted that way by that character
to be silent or to continue talking
to be happy or to be frustrated
to ask or to tell

i dont feel confused though
.............................................
floating again meaninglessly through life
enjoying the nothingness of going through no big obstacle
but still scratching my head
doubting the wonders of life

talk, or not talk
felt like i've lost my rights to
you were never interested at all at any point
silence is indeed golden
but you never wanted silence
cause silence is lonely..
i can't make you not lonely
rather i make myself lonely
or i made myself lonely
and you are no longer lonely now
guess i should make myself
not lonely

at least
now that i have a clear head
i think...i should
go to bed
at least

Coincidental Obedience

Why do i listen to him and fall and fall again?
would i fall again?

am i just a toy
a guinea pig
or just
someone he really look up to
someone that would guide me through my life

i'm a freak on a leash
or
i was one

loneliness, temporary

i dont have anyone to talk to now
i dont have anything to do in particular
everyone seems busy
or not in a socializing mood
or is it me being too ....
stop this negativity

i don't wanna be so obsessed anymore
every moment we wake up from sleep
our minds are usually blank
mine is indeed
the unexplainable hollowness
tolerable yet hard to live with
do not play dead
i'm just fooling myself by this
life seems to lose its meaning
meaningless, meaningless struggle

Project: Final Struggle never happened
wrong emotion investments
misguided feelings and reactions
i never had a chance
never was close
never, more

no one would listen to the other side of me
wouldn't know how to tell it to someone either
wouldn't wanna tell it to someone

or is it just my pride taking over me
why'd it end up this way again?
........
i never changed
i thought i did
can i?

you came, you saw, you conquer
i waited, i observed, i watched you conquer

and i wait again, for something, or nothing to happen to me

Pity

this website and the reader

this is not the end
should it be the end of this blog?
i don't know what to write not writting what i wrote
or
i don't know what to think not thinking what i thought

i'm done
i'm defeated
i'm finished
echo..

no

need there be a reason?

(yes you suck)

i mean me
that's just a reply
that's just one of the many reasons
no, not again

i am strong
i will be strong
i am weak
i am too weak to have this bother me so much

let me be simple
i'm too simple
too complicated though
contradictions

lost interest d
gained interest d

let me be forgetful
let me apologize to begin with

wait, wait, wait, thought waited but thought wasted
untold feelings..
silence..
approaches..
questions..

ran
pissed

cried
complained

complain
can't stand complain
complain too

cry too then

faint bridge
right now bridge

......
smile
=)

nymphetamine

as noisy as it gets
this song soothes me..
it's beyond emo
it's sadistic
it's used to prevent my computer in the office from standby-ing so that i don't need to log in with an account since i don't have an account yet
volume's at minimum
wonder if there are any listeners..

pick up my pieces that i've left somewhere
i gotta ....
said it
didnt do it?
or didnt do it yet..

red september
no, green september
pass me
let me embrace
the healing time could do
free me
from my own devouring plague
don't stay on me
like it did
causing unwanted trouble
to myself and others

nemesis
why do you have both when i have none

paranoia, lust, jealousy
why do i have all when you have none
that's why i dont deserve one?

at least she's happier
at least he's superior
i have no say

nymphetamine
i wanna listen to you...

compel

i liked someone before they start until after they break up

i feel sick doing it again

this is just a reminder
just don't do it

nonchalance

i dont care
falling away from me
i dont wanna care
let nature take its course
tell me something
i say ok
tell me nothing
i say nothing

i dont wanna feel
i dont care if i heal
lets just live the life
in whichever way i want it at the moment that i can think of.....

falling away from me

twist

sometimes
if you move closer
things aren't as it seems

at this point
i've thought i'm bad at controlling my emotions
the fact is
you all didnt read my mind when something unpleasant to me is happening

i'm actually controlling it better than you thought...

don't judge me from the surface

drowning

supposed to be sleeping now
not used to sleeping so early?
bothered by thoughts
thoughts of her

why can't i just be a man and take it?
why do i have to punish myself for feeling this?
can't i just remove all of them from my mind and rest?
why can't i just let them all out and feel better?
i'm her nobody
i dont deserve this
i dont have to think of this
let me sleep in peace

can i just handle jealousy
can i forget everything i see
can i not overreact to normal stuffs like this

is it just sense of hollowness
is it just a need of filling
or is it true
or is it truly twisted

hope is only an illusion
i wonder if im blessed or cursed..
im devouring myself

complicated

you, are complicated
can i point the finger at you and laugh?

i, am complicated too
can you point the finger at me and laugh?

885214768

1475157881

1453572505

haha i'm mad

820

actually 8205,
5 wasnt taken intentionally

i'mtoldredsign

i'm told to stop writting..

and i'm told that it's my blog, no one can decide what you do to it..

who do i listen to?

impulsive defeat

i've screwed up...
never thought i could be so impatient..

thank you for bursting though..

.............

and i know, i'm freaking you out

i took pic of my car hitting 8039km
hehe
i'm so weird

when's next time?
every this time's next time..
but at least she does think of me now, right?
and i would convince myself that she did
even though i don't know if she actually does

cos
i hate
waking up
in tears

she knew all along
did she intentionally did that?
denial through delay
oh im too sensitive
and she apologized

irony part 3

unfinished log book
syllabus that i didnt cover at all..
undone reports
time is running out

suddenly she talks a lot
suddenly she doesn't talk much
unpredictable..
im no different..
can't complain on that..
and also, in no position to complain of that..

she didn't move away...
is that a good thing to me?

would friday be another denial?
rearrange it, and it still will be my enemy
i'm both bad at luck and these..
let's not expect so much so i wont get to fall from the top

she's certainly uncertain..

ok gua

Duality

i push my fingers into my eyes
it's the only thing
that slowly stops the ache

ok correction

i push my towel into my eye
it's the only thing
that slowly adds the ache

and my towel is all covered in blood..
not a lot of blood but yea, blood..

and she has to see me with my eye like this... =(
but it doesn't matter to her anyway right?
i'm not like someone she expects anything from

and i took a picture of my car hitting 7866km, haha
actually it was sent to repair at 7855km and it returned at 7867km
and i wasn't in the car at 7866km
but trip A was a few kms behind the real distance

ok that was the weirdest thing i ever did in my whole entire life

Eyesore

eyesore..

tiring day..

stupid microcontroller..

i need some happy thoughts...

happy thoughts, raggy, happy thoughts..

fuyooo

yuhuu

errrrr

grrrrr

yum yum

nitez nitez

*V* 'tink!'

fatigued...
at least i don't feel like i'm wasting my time
it's as if im camping in the engineering workshop.

at least i gave a better impression
shouldn't expect so much though

i can save myself from this
it's not a big problem

looking forward to my 'request' or what should i call it
even though it seems that i dont really have anything to say
but i'm sort of glad that i'm not the only one not having things to say
even though its nothing to be proud of

i hope i'm advancing
whatever happens will be a memory
and the very least to make myself happy is
to fantasize on a victory which never happened

tink!

silencer

she stared at the pen drive
then at me
then silence...

....

ouch....
fear, so silenced

No Time To Cry

Woke up crying for an hour
stupid huh?

i'm turning invisible

everything will be alright
everything will turn out fine

un-done

im recovering i think
shown by the less frequent posts

so little time
so many things to do
wasted too much time in the past
no time to regret

i'm not so bad i guess..
i find myself distancing from some people
and getting closer to some people
is it supposed to be like that?

should i give one last try?

broke

haven't being updating for a while
had a dota competition last week
screwed up one though
but it's fine
i'm glad that some of my dota friends came for advices and suggestions

she's talking to me in real life like normal again
at least

dunno what should i do
i dont really understand her and vice versa
i'm scared i can't afford my expenses
i'm scared that i would bore her
the odds are all against me
..
i'll just leave it to fate to decide for me

i'm left with 1 ringgit in my wallet
help me

oh and btw i hate microcontrollers and assembly language
arghhhh

this entry looks familiar

she
never starts a conversation with me
unless its something too important not to say
never greets me hello or bye bye
but she used to do so
never look me in the eyes
as if imma eat her up
she restricts these little actions
because afraid that imma misunderstand?

do i have to recognize the 'no' sign by myself?
can someone please tell me what to do?
she hates me being sensitive
because i think so much
and maybe part of what i thought is true
and i pinpoint those parts out
and she doesn't want me to pinpoint
but can't say i'm wrong
and still dont want me to say it?

sat's dota dota dota n no more dota aft that
and everyday's without her without her without her
lalalala
i gotta go on with my life

pure irony part 2

sometimes i wish i could turn back time
but there are always things that i've done and i won't be able to do it again
maybe i could do it better but it's done and its fair for everyone
but life's not fair
and i'm just too lazy

or am i?
my mind is just so blank when i see her
and its the other way around when i don't
but it's blank now
so i guess i'll stop now

talk to me laaaa~~
sob sob
like ur not doing it now
well you are
hehe

i dunno what im feeling now
but i know im feeling too many things now
or maybe not anything
arghh

scribble

things that i should be doing (things i didnt do)

study microcontroller
build it
test it
search for internship jobs
do suresh report
do chai report
make over myself


things that i am doing (things i shouldnt be doing)

WoW
DotA
zzzzz
kacau her
do nth
blog?

lol
being having many super awkward convos with her
know i shouldnt talk anymore yet i still did
please control myself
or at least find something that she would be interested in talking

why?
why why why?

ok lets not talk about sad things
linkin park's new album isnt that nice anymore
i only liked a couple of tracks like given up, what i've done, no more sorrow and in pieces
unlike the previous albums where i enjoy every song from the album
evanescence's sweet sacrifice kept echoing in my head again and again
open door , too is inferior compared to fallen...
liked lithium only after listening to album
lalalalala
guess i wrote this out of boredom

pure irony part 1

i know im not supposed to say those
and yet i did
seems that i've being bothering her

i should be happy with how she talks to me now
instead of asking for more
but she talks to certain people with full interest and attention
wonder why she didnt do it to me
or maybe she did and the way i responded decreased her interest and attention to me?

and heck she hates it when i complain about this
im so screwed if she reads this

(ran out of suitable song titles)

hi
another day without her
or more like
another day without me

playing more and more WoW
seeing less and less her
dissappointed in myself
maybe it's better that things happened this way

i can talk to most people that i've met
wonder why i can't to her
or maybe it's because i expect too much?

and i'm not doing anything
if things goes on like this
then nothing would happen to me

i'm confused
i hope she listens to me
not about this
time is wasted again and again
(not thinking anyone would understand this verse)

Indecisive - Empty Decorations (Lagu Kopitiam).mp3

here i go again with repetitive stuff
her her her and her again

she has lots of thoughts going about in her mind
wonder why she becomes blank when facing me
seems like im still a total stranger
im too risky to be told anything?
or it is just uncomfortable?
or she did tell me some already? just that i'm not satisfied while i should be
i wanna know more about her
nevertheless the more i know the more that i know i don't know

she seems traumatised by her past
i dont wanna do that, i dont wanna hurt her
...
i'm can't control her feelings.. so i can't possibly hurt her right?
ironically
i hope that i can control her feelings which would mean the possiblity of doing damage
and i know
i'm new to this
i'm not sure about me being completely harmless to her
if i had the chance..
as if i would..
i would like to try
yet i know its reasonable that she doesnt want to take this risk
and again
...
why risk something that's undesired?
...
dont associate at all?
it's still harmful, in a way..

she seems to embrace freedom..
so what i wish to do would take her freedom away?
i'm told that i give the impression that i would
i feel like changing, but it's not something that can be done overnight
i do admit, that i would take it away if it's the me several years ago..
things happen, but do i change?
i don't know
i don't wanna lie to people so that i'm closer to getting what i want
...
do i embrace freedom though?
i often obey what people wants, or at least that's what i think
does that make me do not understand freedom?
does it make me do not understand her?
i should respect her
and what she wants
and whatever that makes her happy
instead of wanting what i desire for myself
but it's normal to do things that you want to do
or like what you like
which makes me..
indecivise

used to like this, used to like that
would this be another 'used to'?
i'm deducting marks for myself for being so indecivise
but hope that she doesnt deduct so many.. hehe =)

Fiona Apple - Never Is A Promise.mp3

can't seem to get it right
what's stopping me
things are not as easy as they seem

to think or not to think?
well i'm thinking right now.. so to think
little things make me happy
little things make me disappointed

haha
i didnt do wad i said that i would do yesterday
wonder if she remembers
its too minor right?

hmmm
i hope she remembers though
ironically

Whisper.wma

why?
life has got to move on
and i can't do anything about it
i'm not the saddest person in the world
i should be fine
yet i still like to complain
here goes..

asked her out few times
she said not now
she's not free
doesnt seem so..
or is it that she's not free for me at this moment
asked her if she would go if she's free
'why not?'
but she didnt say yes
'next time..'
delay?
or denial through delay?
i would do the same if i were her
if we swap our places

bad habit's reoccuring
should think positively..
at least 'why not?' usually means yes
or maybe she wants to spend a long period of time with me so any time now is inadequate
...
that's a little too optimistic
well is it that the timing is wrong
or i'm just not the right one
unexplainable facts
reality..

wondering what's she doing now..
hope family dinners dont bore her
wanted to talk to her
afraid
awkward
would do so if she wants to
but does she?

02 Sick Cycle Carousel.mp3

sometimes i feel like i can mix with anyone
sometimes i feel like i can't really mix with anyone
maybe i think too highly of myself
maybe i demand too much from people
maybe people just give me face and try their best to talk to me
maybe people have their rights of privacy and choose not to tell me everything
and they only do to those who are extremely close to which i'm not
maybe its neither of them
people just dont feel like talking at some moments
or people did told me stuff and i've forgotten about them
come think of it i'm not not talked to, so thanks to everyone to talked to me=)

2 weeks + 1 day has passed
tee hee
but its not like she wanted to let me see also
sigh
i know
i am a pervert
but its something i like to do
wonder if i ever get the chance to see her whole day
i know, again its not like she wanted to let me see
or maybe she does?
please do please do please do
blah
face reality
oh wait i dont even know..

raining cats and dogs now
having ocassional thunder strikes
always hoped that my luck would change
looking out the window and remember my past
which wasn't much any story to anybody but to myself
i've finally
changed some
while maintaining some
goals, perceptions, personalities, communication skills, behaviours...
no longer stalking the one i stalked for four and a half years
feel stupid for doing such a fruitless action
feel guilty for not perserving
felt sorry to that her for "perserving-ed"
stalking someone new now
wonder how long is it gonna last
wonder would the results turn out the same
feel sorry for her for stalking her
she reading this?
well hope not..
ironically hope so too..

life's a carousel
at times you reach high
eventually u still have to reach the ground
and the cycle continues
wonder, would i go up or down this time?

Night Wish - Sleeping Sun 2005.wma

I CANT SLEEP!
nose dripping water like hell
no its not mucus, just water, maybe its some lowly saturated mucus
feels like i'm gonna die of dehydation
ate some, well quite some stuffs before sleeping
strangely i cant sleep with a filled stomach
thinking of how badly i did in my exams
thinking of what that's written below

still need to learn visual basics
which i dont even know any basics
to my teammates in the group design project, sorry for being so emo

thinking whether to go school tomorrow
to appeal for the scholarship
sigh
nevermind
will go for tryings sake

hmmm
she's sleeping now right?

argh
i wish to sleep
i should go and try to sleep now
good luck to myself
its four
s l e e p
s l e e p
s l e e p
p l e e s

Rare - The Howling.mp3

results arent good enough to continue my scholarship
screwed but parents didnt screw me as bad as i thought
lost rm3k++ for half a mark for my average
looked moody the whole day
rather
was it that that turned me this way?
partially...

when asked why i look so down
at least i got something that i can tell everyone
when i have something that i can't tell everyone

life has to move on
what's done is done
should cut down time spent on games and outings
wonder if i have the discipline to do that

haha at least something
which is almost nothing to everyone else
happened to me
happy
but not extremely happy
cause its rare
and i would be very happy if its common
well it didnt last long though
but its still
something
she sms-ed me!

two weeks + 1 day
since tomorrow doesnt have class
sigh sigh sigh sigh
I WANT SEE HER

BreakingBenjamin-TheDiaryOfJane.mp3

she sighs after he calls
wonder if she sighs when i do

he asks
she answers
she never asks
feels like the people in the same category as me talking

wonder if its lack of interest
or not the right topic
or laziness
or its annoying
or all of the above

naming my blog red sign doesnt work..

Without You.wma

I FINALLY WENT OUT!
with my family though..
was a nice trip but with lots of cash spent..
by my mum
hehe
ordered two seafood platters and couldnt finish the chips..
guess i should not lecture people for not finishing their food..
and denied watching spiderman3 with family because of JC (some gay fag) who asked me to watch on saturday..

still having diarhoea
being peeing with my butt for three , or maybe four days
sucks to not see solid shit
although it sucks to see shit
and i still eat as if there's nothing wrong with me..
stop me..

nights were spent in front of the computer again
paid for WoW, but still pulled to play DotA..
WoW player asks me to play WoW when i play DotA
DotA players ask me to play DotA when i play WoW
DotA players that i know > WoW players
and even WoW players play DotA
am i wasting cash not playing WoW?
blah don't know hope my bro manages the WoW account..
feel bad for okama for asking him to play but not playing myself so much..
oh wait it wasnt me who asked him to play -.-"
i suggested the idea though..
thought of this risk so i didnt dare to ask myself

tomorrow asked for paintball
yay i have some outdoor activities again
no i don't feel like spending money on that..
to go or not to go??
no idea..
think tomorrow, lazy now

haha finally a non-emo entry
i'm ok right?

miss her though
"nite nite"

Mudvayne- Happy.mp3

perhaps i've stayed home too long...
today is like a repetition of yesterday..
and tomorrow's gonna be a repetition of tomorrow..
perhaps its going away..
it doesnt seem so to me but it is right?
even if it is or it is not
its no big deal right?
its no big deal right?
its no big deal
IT'S NO BIG DEAL..
IT'S NO BIG DEAL..
relatively..

life has got to move on..
can't get emotional and stop doing everything else..
realised that i've been a jerk to those i've related to about this issue..
sorry..
guess i should find happier things to talk about here..

but what?
guess nothing's nice about me
being doing nothing..
cant write about something nice..
wonder what are you doing right now
wonder if you ever 'wondered' about me
wonder who do think of when you are lonely
wonder how happy are you now
wonder what can make you happy
wonder why i cant do that
wonder how would you feel if i were to ask you what are you doing right now
wonder how many times you answered that question to different people
wonder if its correct
wonder how many people asking me to stop wondering
if it makes you happy

does it make you happy?
are you feeling happy?
are you f*cking happy now that i've lost left with nothing?

08-the reason.mp3

reloaded WoW, life's gonna suck..
one week of holidays left, life sucks..
she's not here for the week, but then it seems like there's no difference if she's here or there because she is never 'here'..
maybe thats a good thing..
maybe that made me have no feeling to WoW..
i hope WoW drugs me..
but i know what i want..
and i know what i can want and what i can't want..
anything wrong with me?
well something, many things are definitely wrong with me..
i'm lethargic
i'm sensitive
i'm paranoid
i'm cynical
i'm unable
i'm arrogant
i'm hard to talk to
maybe that's why things turned out this way..
i'm speechless because it makes sense
dont feel so down, i tell myself
maybe i'm good at something...
hmm...
let's see...
playing enigma(dota hero)?
ok that's why things turned out this way..

Seven days left..
felt like i've done nothing
in fact i've done nothing
Hmmm should i go KL to visit my friends..
but everytime i think of this
i wonder if its to find my friends or to find her
well dont think she's gonna meet up with me
but i miss my friends..
i reloaded WoW, should i stay and play?
or should i go stay in my friends' place where i accidentally scolded their mum?
or should i go interupt those who are having their finals?
or is it just that i want to go is just to find topics to talk about, with her?
"Oh, i went KL too, where'd ya go? "
sweat..
lame..
i know you think so too..
i mean anyone who's reading this..
well, another reason things turn out this way..

smile smile
this is not the end of everything

SHKO2SE - Identity pt 2.mp3

here again... boring day...
thinking the same thing over and over again..
wonder what should i feel after doing that..
wonder if it should be regretable or something i should be proud of..
what's there to regret when there's nothing much actually done?
what's there to be proud of when the results obtained is a negative one?
should i regret, because i know?
should i be proud of myself, since i've break away from my cowardice?
questions, questions, questions..
answers, self-generated, assumptions..
think i've lost my rationality, yet i dont think im crazy..
continuously telling myself not to think so much yet doing it so much..
i know, i should occupy my mind with something, but what?
haha, this...

well, it isnt really helping, but in a way it does..
i'm sensitive.. hypersensitive.. one of my greatest flaws..
hate it as it makes me suspect unpleasant things..
like it as it makes me more cautious..
yet i dont think i'm cautious in all the things i've done..
hate it too, because she hates it..
what can i do to it, its me..
my personality, part of my identity..
should i change it, and lose my identity?
its a change for the better, so why not?
she said..
can it be done so soon?
doubt so..
would i wanna do it?
doubt so, too..

but i hope so=)

Kevin O2SE - Red Sign.mp3

hearing this song when creating this blog..
hence this title since there's nothing in my mind for a nice title.
weird reason huh?
like the song, so who cares..
thinking not really rationally now..
thinking too much now..
wonder how noisy would it be if anyone were to read my mind..
Blah
in no position to complain
done almost nothing
no such thing as free lunch in this world
wouldnt wanna take free lunches too
or is it that i cant afford lunch so out of pride i say that?
i dont know..
would i wanna know?
so many thoughts flowing into my mind..
not many letters come out though
thinking it would be sensitive..

who's gonna read it anyway
should i just spit everything out here?
ironically i think more than i type
how to stop myself from thinking so much?
HELP
hear me
help me
somehow i realise
only me can help myself
Sigh..
ok anyone reading these would think im nuts
oh well dont think anyone would
omg im thinking too much again
STOP




red sign..means stop